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College Essay {help help please}



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Gender: Female
Points: 899
Reviews: 6
Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:18 am
ohhellothere says...



Spoiler! :
So, I really really need your help. This is one of my essays for applying to ~college~. I need to cut out at least 50 words, and make it as good as it possibly can be. PLEASE BE SUPER SUPER HARD ON THIS. IT WILL NOT HURT MY FEELINGS. Thank you guys so so much in advance. I will review whatever you want if you review this well. Seriously.



We were greeted by the oppressive heat, the mosquitoes, and the realization that we weren’t in America anymore. The orphanage was quiet at night; aside from the dull thud of Dominican music from nearby parties, there was only silence as we descended the steps of the packed bus for the first time. We were greeted by a long-term volunteer who welcomed us to Jaibon, Dominican Republic, and thanked us for volunteering our time to Orphanage Outreach.

I was about to embark on one of the greatest experiences of my life. It humbled me and forced me to reconsider what was important in life; material possessions or true happiness despite the conditions. The Dominican people, though the poorest people I’ve ever met, were filled with an unspeakable joy just to be alive and together.

The first time meeting the boys we crossed the path that separated the volunteer area from the orphanage with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement, bringing bubbles with us like an offering. That was all it took; a connection formed. We loved those boys from the moment we saw them. After a couple of hours playing with and getting to know us, they returned our love with smiles, hugs, and constant hanging all over us. They taught me that love is something much simpler and much greater than Valentine’s Day and roses; it is kickball and board games and napping on laps during story time.

The week we spent there, from that point on, flew by – each little moment of hopscotch and classroom time with the boys flashed. Each morning, my group, consisting of myself and a dozen of my classmates, taught the younger boys a Spanish Literacy class about safari animals. They’d pile eagerly onto our laps to read and re-read their favorite books, such as “Jorge Curioso,” and to study their vocabulary.

Our afternoons were spent running a summer camp in the nearby community of La Caya. Unlike the boys at the orphanage who had the benefit of a constant flow of American playmates and supplies, the children in La Caya had nothing – many of them had never even used face paint. We taught them hygiene and about how to take care of their environment – two basic skills that many members of poor communities are missing. We sang songs, and they belted them out louder than all of us, despite the fact that most of them were in English and they had no idea what it was that they were singing.

One of the greatest things about campamento in La Caya was the true gratitude and happiness that the people exuded. The way the children would chase after our bus as we arrived in town, or already be waiting in the community center as we arrived, and the looks on the faces of the mothers as they watched their children participate, was a true eye-opener to me.

Spanish was everywhere. We wrapped our heads and our tongues around this textbook language. We stumbled over our pluperfect progressive tenses and messed up our pronoun placement and learned how to speak. We didn’t have our thirty-second think period that we had come to rely on in speaking during class; pause for thirty seconds and the kid you were speaking with would be whizzing off to do something else. I learned to speak on the fly, but more importantly I learned how to communicate my love to a phenomenal group of kids.

I will never forget my time in the Dominican, and I definitely plan on giving more of my time to Orphanage Outreach in the future. Despite going down to teach and to help the Dominicans, I know that I was the one who was truly and forever affected by this experience.

[please read the spoiler thing <3]
“...Literature was the only religion her father practiced, when a book fell on the floor he kissed it, when he was done with a book he tried to give it away to someone who would love it."

-Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Jonathon Safran Foer)
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:32 am
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TinyDancer says...



Ok, here we go. I am returning the favor for your review on Sleepless, and I will try to be thorough with this since it's for college.
We were greeted by the (take out "the") oppressive heat, the [/b](take out "the") mosquitoes, and the realization that we [b]weren’t in America anymore. (make this flow easier by re-arranging: "we were no longer in America") The orphanage was quiet at night; aside (make this into two sentences)from the dull thud of Dominican music from nearby parties, there was only silence as we descended the steps of the packed bus for the first time. We were greeted by a long-term volunteer who welcomed us to Jaibon, Dominican Republic, and thanked us for volunteering our time to Orphanage Outreach.

I was about to embark on one of the greatest experiences of my life. It humbled me and forced me to reconsider what was important in life;(should be a hyphen) material possessions or true happiness despite the conditions. The Dominican people, though the poorest people I’ve ever met, were filled with an unspeakable joy just to be alive and together.

The first time meeting the boys (make this: "The first time that we met the boys...")we crossed the path that separated the volunteer area from the orphanage with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement, bringing bubbles with us like(should be "as") an offering. That was all it took;(hyphen, not semicolon) a connection formed. We loved those boys from the moment we saw them. After a couple of (this is slang, use the word "few")hours (of) playing with (us) and getting to know us, they returned our love with smiles, hugs, and constant hanging all over us[/b](this last section sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps re-word it a bit?). They taught me that love is something much simpler (than what?) and much greater than Valentine’s Day and roses; it is kickball and board games and napping on laps during story time.

The week we spent there, [b]from that point on
,(make this something like "after that day") flew by – each little moment of hopscotch and classroom time with the boys flashed (by). Each morning, my group, consisting of myself and a dozen of my classmates, taught the younger boys a Spanish Literacy class about safari animals. They’d pile eagerly onto our laps to read and re-read their favorite books, such as “Jorge Curioso,” and to study their vocabulary (put this bit before the longer item about reading).

Our afternoons were spent running a summer camp in the nearby community of La Caya. Unlike the boys at the orphanage who had the benefit of a constant flow of American playmates and supplies, the children in La Caya had nothing – many of them had never even used face paint. We taught them hygiene and about(eliminate this word) how to take care of their environment – two basic skills that many members of poor communities are missing. We sang songs, and they belted them out louder than all of us, despite the fact that most of them were in English and they had no idea what it was that(take this word out) they were singing.

One of the greatest things about campamento in La Caya was the true gratitude and happiness that the people exuded. The way the children would chase after our bus as we arrived in town, or already be waiting in the community center as we arrived, and the looks on the faces of the mothers as they watched their children participate, was a true eye-opener to me. (very long sentence, this is. Perhaps divide it into two somehow?)

Spanish was everywhere. We wrapped our heads and our tongues around this textbook language. We stumbled over our pluperfect progressive tenses and messed up(just take this out--it's slang) our pronoun placement and learned how to speak(this grammar you're speaking of is technically "speaking." Maybe you could say something like "casually converse."). We didn’t have our "thirty-second think period" that we had come to rely on in speaking during class;(hyphen here) pause for thirty seconds and the kid ("child" sounds nicer) you were speaking with would be whizzing off to do something else. I learned to speak on the fly(really slang. Try something a bit more professional sounding), but more importantly I learned how to communicate my love to a phenomenal group of kids("children").

I will never forget my time in the Dominican (Republic), and I definitely plan on giving more of my time to Orphanage Outreach in the future. Despite going down to teach and to (eliminate this word)help the Dominicans, I know that I was the one who was truly and forever affected by this experience.



Whew! So, all in all, awesome expierence and it makes for a fantastic story. The only errors were very technical, and you have a great flow. Hopefully I wasn't too harsh, and I apologize if I was. I really liked this personally, but I just pointed out some things that picky admissions officers would catch right away. Hope this helped!

~Jess
`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•

“The circus arrives without warning.
No announcements precede it.
It is simply there,
When yesterday it was not.”

`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•
  





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336 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 805
Reviews: 336
Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:13 am
Jas says...



I'll review this during the weekend.

Remind me on my wall if it's not done by Sunday. :]
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1049
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:18 pm
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SanaIrfan says...



Well, I really like your piece... It's Extraordinary...
The ending... I JUST LOVED IT!...
I will never forget my time in the Dominican, and I definitely plan on giving more of my time to Orphanage Outreach in the future. Despite going down to teach and to help the Dominicans, I know that I was the one who was truly and forever affected by this experience.

This is wow... lOVE IT.. :) KEEP U THE GOOD WORK...
This is
Sana Irfan :)
Cheers... :D
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1049
Reviews: 11
Sat Dec 17, 2011 1:19 pm
SanaIrfan says...



UP*
This is
Sana Irfan :)
Cheers... :D
  








The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust