Young Writers Society

First time ever, I am writing stuff as such.. I hope you guys enjoy it

Like a tornado your life likes to play with you with it's finger tips. Yes, we are puppets of this universe. The strings are unseen but is attached, just like the God within oneself.

Humans are two legged beings who do not seem to understand the very simple concepts of life. They like to complicate, because it satisfies their souls and their supposedly hearts. Questions haunt our lives everyday - the ones which are irrelevant. Ever thought of the heart beating inside you? Most of us believe that the answer to everything is by finding God. It's funny how the answer is so close and yet we tend to look for the end of the rainbow...

What is life? The first question that strikes in order to at least find the pieces of the puzzle if not solve it. There is no exact answer to be honest. But in my eyes, life is exactly like a matchstick. We love to live in illusions because it is soothing and hide the pain, the miseries, the sorrows and the mourns under the rug. Similarly, when a matchstick is lightened, darkness is overtaken by light for few graceful seconds - that is our illusion whom we want to stay forever, and when the fire stops burning because the stick's lifespan has ended - Reality glows and darkness showers all over again. No, life isn't dark with bad endings. Life is dark because our hearts are connected with the wrong people at the right time. Time is always right, the circumstances or the movements of a being is wrong. But it's the duty of a human to pin down circumstances on either things or one another because everyone likes a safe game. Yes, you and me too.

Life is followed by another essential ingredient, the heart. In biological sense, heart gives us life. But is it really that way? A human heart knows how to love, how to hurt and most painful of all, how to get hurt. These actions are preserved within oneself because there is a God and a Demon inside all. God is a form of light which is reflected as humanity in one, whilst Demon is a form of darkness which reflects the evil kind. A human knows how to love when the God in oneself is at it's best. You love the people because your heart is sober and lonely. Yes, you were made selfish from the beginning of the creation. You hurt people because your heart has given up on you and is too dark to understand the emotions. Lastly, you tend to get hurt to learn a lesson. A lesson which is to be remembered all life. Yes, there is no answer to "why" it all happens but there is a reason. A reason that will appear when it needs to, does not matter good or bad - "Like dust we will swirl around with the wind for a reason which holds the unbelievable truth"

A human life is always on guard, even if you believe you are not prepared. God throws problems, yes. But with remarkable solutions to all, then why complain about being unprepared? Because, complaining will elaborate the knowing and understanding of a problem. Through various gifted links, the chain of life is carried out wonderfully. It's the path you must choose is most important. No path is alike to each other. They differ drastically and yet, why do we tend to make mistakes? Because the answer is deep within - The God in you has been taken over by the Demon created by your sins. Doesn't mean there is no cure because there is. You just have to question your heart and believe.

Hello, Guilty! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

The first thing I saw when I read this piece was the title. Yes, I know that's obvious, but I have a point. Everybody has heard the saying about not being able to judge a book by its cover; however, they've never said anything about being able to judge a book by its title. That's exactly what I was able to do here. I was getting Yoda flashbacks when I read it; it almost made me laugh. It seemed like a title that was trying to be deep and philosophical but not succeeding. I would suggest changing to the title to "We Live Like A Matchstick." It's much cleaner and much more modern.

After reading the title, I thought I had at least a decent idea of what the writing was going to be like. I thought that it would be a slightly jumbled rant with a few moments of brilliance that were weighted down by a load of unneeded words. I thought that just by reading your title. It just goes to show how first impressions are important.

The thing is, I wasn't really able to get the point of this piece. Just like my first impression warned, it was jumbled. There was simply too much going on. You were shooting off into way too many directions all at once. I would suggest looking over this piece again and omitting anything that doesn't absolutely make a clear contribution to the meaning of this piece. If you slimmed it down to even half its size, you'd be able to get your point across if you used effective writing.

One last criticism: watch your punctuation, especially when it comes to the usage of commas. In poetry, punctuation and capitalization are slightly flexible, but in pieces like this, it needs to be spot-on. This is another example of how slimming down this piece will help you; if you scale down the amount of information in this piece, places where you need to punctuate will become much more clear.

If I'm sounding harsh, I don't mean to be. These are just my opinions. If you love this piece, don't change a thing. At the end of the day, your opinion is paramount.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

A few preliminary tips on this one:
1) Don't preach, chat with us readers, get down to our level.
2) Keep it simple, short and sweet and uncluttered.
3) Focus on the positive. No one wants to hear doom and gloom.

I just pasted the thing here and I'm going to make some suggestions as to possible alternatives.

Like a tornado your life likes to play with you with it's finger tips. Yes, we are puppets of this universe. The strings are unseen but is attached, just like the God within oneself.
"Like tornadoes, our lives like to play with us. We are mere puppets in this universe -- our strings invisibly attached, like the God within ourselves."
By doing that, you could bring it down to the readers' level and unclutter it a bit. I am still not sure about the "God within oneself" part. Are you saying that the inner God is like a string that guides us, or it is an example of a string that guides us, or something else altogether?

Humans are two legged beings who do not seem to understand the very simple concepts of life. They like to complicate, because it satisfies their souls and their supposedly hearts. Questions haunt our lives everyday - the ones which are irrelevant. Ever thought of the heart beating inside you? Most of us believe that the answer to everything is by finding God. It's funny how the answer is so close and yet we tend to look for the end of the rainbow...
"We humans -- we two-legged beings -- cannot understand the very simple concepts of life. We like to complicate things, because it satisfies us."
Again it needs to be simplified, clarified and slightly tweaked to keep our attention and understanding. This whole paragraph can be redone similarly. Also especially when you say, "Most of us believe", do you mean that they are right, or that they are simply a group who thinks that etc. I liked the last sentence, though.

What is life? The first question that strikes in order to at least find the pieces of the puzzle if not solve it. There is no exact answer to be honest. But in my eyes, life is exactly like a matchstick. We love to live in illusions because it is soothing and hide the pain, the miseries, the sorrows and the mourns under the rug. Similarly, when a matchstick is lightened, darkness is overtaken by light for few graceful seconds - that is our illusion whom we want to stay forever, and when the fire stops burning because the stick's lifespan has ended - Reality glows and darkness showers all over again. No, life isn't dark with bad endings. Life is dark because our hearts are connected with the wrong people at the right time. Time is always right, the circumstances or the movements of a being is wrong. But it's the duty of a human to pin down circumstances on either things or one another because everyone likes a safe game. Yes, you and me too.
"matchstick is lit" and "illusion which we want" are grammar corrections. What do you mean by "Reality glows and darkness showers all over again"? Do we die? Do we give up hope? Is the illusion suddenly shattered?

Life is followed by another essential ingredient, the heart. In biological sense, heart gives us life. But is it really that way? A human heart knows how to love, how to hurt and most painful of all, how to get hurt. These actions are preserved within oneself because there is a God and a Demon inside all. God is a form of light which is reflected as humanity in one, whilst Demon is a form of darkness which reflects the evil kind. A human knows how to love when the God in oneself is at it's best. You love the people because your heart is sober and lonely. Yes, you were made selfish from the beginning of the creation. You hurt people because your heart has given up on you and is too dark to understand the emotions. Lastly, you tend to get hurt to learn a lesson. A lesson which is to be remembered all life. Yes, there is no answer to "why" it all happens but there is a reason. A reason that will appear when it needs to, does not matter good or bad - "Like dust we will swirl around with the wind for a reason which holds the unbelievable truth"
Actually, biologically, it is the brain which loves, hurts etc. This may reflect badly upon you because you have just referred to biology, then spouted things which are only true in a metaphorical sense. "does not matter" should be "no matter" and the quote at the end needs a full stop.

A human life is always on guard, even if you believe you are not prepared. God throws problems, yes. But with remarkable solutions to all, then why complain about being unprepared? Because, complaining will elaborate the knowing and understanding of a problem. Through various gifted links, the chain of life is carried out wonderfully. It's the path you must choose is most important. No path is alike to each other. They differ drastically and yet, why do we tend to make mistakes? Because the answer is deep within - The God in you has been taken over by the Demon created by your sins. Doesn't mean there is no cure because there is. You just have to question your heart and believe.
"It's the path that you choose which is most important" would say that making a good choice is important, "no two paths are alike" would be better grammar and "question your heart" sounds a bit strange. If you said "trust your heart" it would work better, because a heart symbolises truth and love.

Most of these things are just my personal feelings and opinions, so if it sounds harsh, don't worry, they're not the law! I just felt as if you were looking down from a height upon the sinful, telling us what to do. You were assuming that we have all been taken over by the Demon inside us. This was illustrated in the last paragraph to me. Otherwise, unclutter it, brighten it up a little and show us that there is hope, through all our problems and sins. I'd like to see it in an edited form sometime