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A horrible, horrible smile



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Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:54 am
azntwinz2 says...



“Hey, you know our art teacher? She’s dead.”
The gym floor insulates the chilled bodies of all the Barrington middle school students. My outfit resembles the rest of my peers – a thick, wooly overcoat as a bare necessity and warm, worn out boots that leak pools of slushy snow.
“Yeah right, stop joking,” I scoff at my friend, and my brain freezes as though unable to absorb oxygen from the stuffy air.
“Oh my god. It’s not funny. Stop laughing, you’re horrible,” she says, and she looks at me with utter disgust. I realize now why my cheeks ache. They’re paralyzed from creasing my face into an awkward grin.
Even now I don’t quite remember her face. It might have been round with a pudgy chin and she might have had beautiful eyebrows that emphasize a benevolent face. Her hair might have been the color of secure, soft earth and she might have been short as to reach only my shoulders. She might have had a picture, framed to contain herself, a serious looking man, and a baby wrapped up in her protective arms. And while every other detail remains foggy, I vividly sketch her hands in my mind’s eye.
The flesh abundantly surrounds each short finger which ends in a round, sensible nail. The gray clay leaves a permanent stain that runs through the many creases on her palm like a flowing river endlessly splitting into a thousand different tributaries. Her chubby hands deftly hold a scalpel as she carves a row of x’s into the pliant, submissive clay. And with equal skill, they lightly clutch onto the tip of a brush as she soothes water into the parched substance. They always handle our clumsy fragile crafts with care as they ease them into the massive kiln. They pull out baked, deformed things with equal concentration. They caress our mugs, both wrapped tightly, comfortingly around our ugly creations.
Because I cannot delineate her existence completely, I find myself imagining how it happens. The heater hums quietly, but the window wipers crank furiously as they slide the heavy snow off. The silence is tense because the road is slicked with ice and they see nothing but a mist of pure white. And then the tires skid, the x rubber markings rolling continuously on either wet, pliant powder or on harsh jagged crystals of frozen ice. Either way, the result is ugly. She dies, and so does the serious man at the wheel and the innocent baby strapped up in its own car seat.
And then I am back in the dimly lit gym, the chattering of innumerable students who just returned from winter break rises in crescendo until I block it out. But I cannot avoid the gaze of contempt that judges me and my awkward grin.
I want to say ‘she was my art teacher not yours’. I want to tell her ‘you’re lying’ and at the same time ask ‘how can they be dead’? I want to climb back into my safe bed and pull the covers over my head. I want to remember her face and I want to squeeze a tear from my caked tear ducts. I want to complain that life’s not fair and death’s even worse. I want to explain that I’m not a monster. I want to comprehend already and I want to rewire the nerves in my brain. I want to see those hands work magic again.
But I cannot do a single thing. I can’t because my lips are sewed shut with water and cross stitches, baked dry into a horrible, horrible smile.
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Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:50 am
KingofTheDamned says...



Quite vivid. few grammatical errors but not too much. Good piece.
"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears."
  





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Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:49 am
mparq says...



Oh man, that was intense. Real experience?
It reminds me a lot of times where I will smile or laugh at the most inappropriate times. It's horrible. I want to kick myself. It's not funny and yet...

You do drama like a queen; you can draw so much from your personal experiences. One thing I'll say is that sometimes your sentences get wordy at least confusing at worst when you use adverbs. An example: "The flesh abundantly surrounds...." That last sentence where you're clay. Awesome. Will mess with my head though because that's one scary image. I agree with the previous poster: vivid describes it well.
  





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Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:36 pm
NerdTurd says...



killed me here with the parallelism ;)
its a bit of a spooky peice, when i first read it i got shivers... not only are you talking about the death of someone you knew (your art teacher) you have the whole stitches thing going on. It gives this really creepy atmoshpere to your peice...and the last sentence? Really kills...
I can’t because my lips are sewed shut with water and cross stitches, baked dry into a horrible, horrible smile.

The imagery through this peice was amazing... and you really managed to convey the tone.
I definitely feel like it got stronger towards the end. Maybe the only detriment might be the weakness of the beginning. You could start the creepy extended metaphor in the beginning around here:
I realize now why my cheeks ache. They’re paralyzed from creasing my face into an awkward grin.
i dont know maybe something with stitches? No se. Its not a major problem though so dont freak out about it.
Keep writing and stop complaining that I dont do enough. :D
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:29 am
EliteHusky says...



“Oh my god. It’s not funny. Stop laughing, you’re horrible,” she says, and she looks at me with utter disgust. I realize now why my cheeks ache. They’re paralyzed from creasing my face into an awkward grin.

Dialogue like this really makes me smile as it has a hint of authenticity to it versus something forced and unnatural coming from the character's mouth.

But I cannot do a single thing. I can’t because my lips are sewed shut with water and cross stitches, baked dry into a horrible, horrible smile.

Straight from a horror movie. Good use of detail and repetition.

Overall I believe you could expand this. It seemed very concentrated as if you were almost trying to cram too much inside at too fast a rate for the reader. With that said, if you were to expand this piece it would certainly have potential as you elaborate more on the different sections. Ultimately, it was an okay read that has the ingredients of a blockbuster thriller.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky
  








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