Young Writers Society

Removed. Thanks for the critiques. ^^

Also, as much as possible, please refrain from quoting. I will be removing the text once I submit my application.
Thanks. ^^
~~~~

~~~~
Thanks for reading. Critiques apreciated. ^^
~Lava [/spoiler]

Here you go, Lava! Hope it helps, though I'm unfamiliar with such things xD
-attachment removed-

Hi Lava

On the whole I think this is a very nice essay. You come across as a confident and skilled girl. There are a couple of points I'd like to make. I hope they help:

To begin with, grammar in essays like this is vital. You can't afford to break any rules here as they don't want to see your poetry or story telling abilities, but rather your personality, academic prowess in the field of biotechnology, and your ability to communicate with them. Don't begin a sentence with "and" in this essay.

For the same reason, I would try to keep my sentences and paragraphs functional in style. You don't want to come across as telling a story. While you are no doubt great with descriptions and comparisons, they want content. Try to give that to them without wasting any of their time. Anything that doesn't inform them of your personality, academic prowess, or ability to communicate should be deleted. Yes, that means all the poetic stuff.

While what I said above is true, you want your essay to flow a little more and not come across like a list in certain places. For example, your paragraphs with your achievements come across as choppy. I would group all your achievements together in a paragraph as testament to your prowess rather than going through each independently. And try to develop a bit more of a flow from one paragraph to the next.

You also have several remarkably long and confusing sentences in the middle of the essay. I'd break these down into medium length sentences.

Also, this is just me, but I wouldn't suck up and say how it would be an honor for you and how they are an esteemed institution. That's blatant and ineffective. Just say you'd like to do the internship and feel you are an appropriate candidate.

I'd also modify the end and summarize that you have experience and skill together with the dreams and drive to perform.

This really isn't my forte, but I hope I helped in any case.
Have a great one!

This is good. The tone is nice and formal. I'm assuming that you'll substitute the actual name, for the xxx, when you submit it. I didn't really like your beginning. I think maybe you could expand it a bit more. Perhaps give an example of one of the intricacies that you found fascinating. Also, spell out whatever acronyms you use to make things clearer. For example I interned at NSRC which if it wasn't spelled out originally could mean either National Science Resources Center, National Sexuality Resource Center or Network Startup Resource Center. See my point? I love your ending bit. Sorry I couldn't look at the Word formatting, but I'm using my mother's iPad so no downloading. Good letter! Good luck with getting the internship!:)