Seven Reasons Why Men are Better than Women
Rated 18+ just to be on the safe side.
This is intended to be satirical, and therefore not taken too seriously.
Men are like parasites.
Parasites, contrary to the common connotations of the term, are actually amazing and admirable creatures. They are highly-evolved to take advantage of other organisms (like women), so while the other organisms are busy wasting time and effort on potentially useless endeavors (like talking and being emotional), we men are profiting from them without having to expend any unnecessary energy. And the best part is, no matter how much effort is spent in trying to get rid of us, we will always be around.
Our repertoire of counter-counter-strategies is endless, and we have made ourselves essential to the continuation of the female species. Besides which, it's not like our presence isn't somewhat beneficial. After all, we parasites need our host organisms to survive. Among the benefits of our continual presence are a) sex, b) protection from other men, c) companionship, and d) free problem solution dispensation.
Keep in mind that because all such benefits are free services provided for you women by us men, you have no say in when solutions are dispensed, and all such dispensations should be appreciated and taken to heart as a kindness granted to you by your parasitic (and therefore superiorly evolved) men.
Men are the solution to all problems.
Women create problems (or make them worse). If there were no women, there would be no problems (or worse ones). But since men are parasitic and need women to continue our species, we solve all your woman-caused problems.
Can’t read a map? Get a man.
Can’t fix the plumbing? Get a man.
Can’t lift that box of trinkets? Man.
Can’t deal with the drama in your life? Man. Go get.
...on second thought, forget that last one.
Men are less emotional.
Meaning, while women tend to be sobbing, weeping, soaking-wet emotional wrecks for the majority of their existences, we men are stolid, reliable, stoic, in complete control of our emotions. We only worry about the important things, like when the next Superbowl is, or politics, or why our woman isn’t in the kitchen where she belongs and why she hasn’t brought us our sandwich yet. Very important, these matters are, especially sandwiches.
So make me my sandwich already, damn it! BLT, with extra-crispy bacon and sesame buns toasted to perfection drizzled in Balsamic vinegar. Speaking of which...
Men are more decisive.
Take my sandwich, for example. I know exactly what I want and how I want it. But if you ask a woman what kind of sandwich she wants, she’ll tell you, “I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of everything.” Ask her if she wants a sandwich, and she’ll make a noncommittal noise and look at you blankly. If you’re lucky, she’ll give a little shrug. Hell, if you ask her if she’s hungry, she’ll just ask right back, “Are you?”
Women don’t know what they want. Which is why men are around to make decisions for them. And that leads me to...
Men are less complicated.
If you’ve ever talked to a woman before, and I mean really talked, you’ll know that with women, nothing is ever simple. There’s always this and that, but this-that, and then there’s that-this because this-this-that and that-that-this came together with this-that-this to deal with that-this-that and--
Yadda yadda yadda. It never ends.
With men, you’ve just got this and that, and that has been dealt with.
If there’s one thing parasites understand, it’s that the simplest solution is often the easiest one. We lounge around; the women keep us happy. We do nothing; the women do everything.
Simple. Easy. Effective.
It’s why we’re better at making decisions.
Men are more consistent.
To be a parasite, one must be acutely aware of one’s environment so that one may take advantage of opportunities to latch onto a desirable host. To do so effectively, one must be able to tune out all distractions (including/especially nagging), cut out the complications (like emotions), and focus solely upon the goal. To be a successful parasite, one must be decisive, fearless, willing to take risks, and strong enough to survive for prolonged periods of time in suboptimal conditions.
All of these combine to make men, the parasitic (and more highly-evolved) half of the species, the superior decision-makers, capable of making split-second choices that mean life-or-death in the blink of an eye. And not only are men better at making decisions! Since they lack doubt and are filled to the brim with absolute self-confidence, men are better at sticking to those decisions.
In short, men are like parasitic mountains: immovable, set in their convictions, and insurmountable without the proper tack. Women, on the other hand, are rather considerate hosts, albeit indecisive ones. But so long as we get our sandwiches, we men could care less what crazy oscillations of decision (or non-decision) go on in women’s heads.
While a woman doesn’t know what she’s doing half the time and so often works at cross-purposes, men are more consistent in their behavior and so achieve their goals with a minimal waste of effort.
And while I could easily continue on in listing all the ways we parasitic men are superior to our obliging hostesses, I have no intention of writing a book on the topic, and so I shall conclude with one final reason why men are better than women:
Men just are.
Deal with it.
Gender:
Points: 1656
Reviews: 8