Young Writers Society

We sat in the car, riding along the thruway; myself with a bag of Lay's, my mother holding onto the steering wheel.
I stared out the window for a long time, watching trees and Super Wal-Marts fly past our little station wagon. It seemed like at that moment, they were all so small, so far away and distant.
My mother, as always, had her bluetooth in her ear, talking to her friends about the new ring on her finger while trying to maneuver past a semi with an ad for Walgreens on it.
"Well, we were just walking around in the park when it happened. We were in front of that tiny little creek with the waterfall, and he just kneeled down and asked."
"It was sudden for me. Sure we had talked about marriage, but I didn't really think he would ask so soon."
"We had been dating for two months, but they've been the best months of my life."
"John is so sweet. Right after he proposed, we went to Ginovini's, which was deserted except for us. Turns out, he reserved the place just for us on a Saturday night. There was even a violinist." My mom paused and sighed, pulling a strand of hair out of her eyes. "I love him so much."
I groaned a little bit before stuffing my mouth with more Barbeque chips. This whole engagement and moving to Colorado thing was killing me. Absolutely, positively, killing me.
The moment my mother had ended one of her calls, I turned on the radio to a station my mom wouldn't like, Green Day's "Do You Know Your Enemy" blasting through the speakers. I turned up the volume to a level that I knew I wouldn't be able to hear my mom at, then settled back into my chair.
A look of disgust crassed my mom's face, as she reached for the volume button and slowly turned it down. Her lips parted slightly, letting me know that she was about to give me one of her "world famous" lectures.
"I know you're not very happy about this, but it'll be good for both of us."
I felt angle flare inside of me, ready to burst out at any moment.
"Really mom? You're taking me away from all my friends. I used to have a boyfriend, but now that we're moving, Chris broke up with me. And my friends, they've been my best friends since first grade. Plus, I was supposed to get my permit in a month."
My mom laughed sharply. "You can still get your permit in Colorado. The driving restrictions are no different."
"It's going to be different for me! I won't have a Pennsylvania license plate, on this - thing." I gestured towards the station wagon. "Instead I'll have an ugly Colorado license plate on it, no doubt."
"Don't make fun of Shelly." Shelly was our name for the station wagon. "Even though her paint is peeling, I've owned her for seventeen years, before you were born even, and she's been the most dependable car I've had. She's never broken down once." Mom turned the car left a litte, a large cornfield appearing on both sides of the road. She sighed again, gripping onto the steering wheel slightly. "I know you don't want to have to move in with John and his kid's, but I know they'll try to be understanding."
"They're not. John's kids are the snottiest kids I've ever met. When we were in Denver last month, they acted like they practically owned the whole city!" At this point, I was yelling at my mom, the words coming out like water from a leaky faucet.
"Well you're just going to have to deal with them for a while." Mom's voice was also getting louder, straining to give me a talking to over the sound of the highway.
I suddenly felt my eyes water, my voice cracking as a million emotions flooded my heart.
"I can't, I can't. I just..." I burst out into sobs, burying my head into my arms, leaning against the passenger door.
"Honey..." My mom stroked my back as she kept hold of the steering wheel with her other hand.
"I want to go home." I managed to utter between sobs.
Despite my plea, we kept on cruising down the thruway, going past more farms, Wal-Marts, and McDonalds. Each second, we were farther away from Pennsylvania, and closer to the hell that is known as Colorado.

So....Comment or click the Like button (if you like it of course). Thanks for reading.

Good job! I really like this piece because it's easy to relate to, I feel that I am able to empathize with you even though I have not been in the exact same situation. One line that really stood out to me:

I suddenly felt my eyes water, my voice cracking as a million emotions flooded my heart.

I like the metaphor there, it ties the end of your writing together nicely. All in all, a very heartfelt and emotional piece of writing!

First off, this is real. You really let us into your life, and I can really visualize this happening- everyone has arguments with their moms, and I know I've turned music up loudly to drown her out. It seems really personal, and I don't know if I would right something like this. The writing is interesting, you use some metaphors but you could use some more descriptions. (Ok, I'm not really sure what I mean by this but whatever).

This whole engagement and moving to Colorado thing was killing me. Absolutely, positively, killing me.

I really like this part, especially the last line. I'm sorry you had to move

I love this. This is really, really good. Great job on the descriptions. I just can't find anything wrong with it, so I'm going to point out all of my favorites, so you know where you did right

My mother, as always, had her bluetooth in her ear, talking to her friends about the new ring on her finger while trying to maneuver past a semi with an add for Walgreens on it.

You eased slowly into the subject with this, and I thought it was a great passage. It focuses the story on the real subject.

"Well, we were just walking around in the park when it happened. We were in front of that tiny little creek with the waterfall, and he just kneeled down and asked."
"It was sudden for me. Sure we had talked about marriage, but I didn't really think he would ask so soon."
"We had been dating for two months, but they've been the best months of my life."
"John is so sweet. Right after he proposed, we went to Ginovini's, which was deserted except for us. Turns out, he reserved the place just for us on a Saturday night. There was even a violinist." My mom paused and sighed, pulling a strand of hair out of her eyes. "I love him so much."

Brilliant. *applause* This was great. I'm not going to copy it, but the sentence in which your main character describes her feelings toward the subject is great too. You let us know clearly, yet the begining of the sentence [graoning] lets it on easy. Great job.

My mom laughed sharply. "You can still get your permit in Colorado. The driving restrictions are no different."
"It's going to be different for me! I won't have a Pennsylvania license plate, on this - thing." I gestured towards the station wagon. "Instead I'll have an ugly Colorado license plate on it, no doubt."

I actually really love this. You see, on one hand, it shows how very human your main character is, and how she is still young. This thing is a small detail, a minor one, yet it means the world to her. On the other hand, it shows a tiny character "flaw" - don't take it the wrong way - I love it! It really makes her human. You don't see this in most stories.

"I can't, I can't. I just..." I burst out into sobs, burying my head into my arms, leaning against the passenger door.
"Honey..." My mom stroked my back as she kept hold of the steering wheel with her other hand. "I want to go home." I managed to utter between sobs.

It felt very believable. Very good.
I would love to read more, if you have it. I think you should continue because this is very good. It might even become a big hit if you publish it I love it. Good job. Please PM me when there's more.
Ofir

Thanks SO SO SO much for the great reviews!!! I really appreciate them!
Thanks,
Jane

Hey hey! One nitpick:

JaneThermopolis wrote:...trying to maneuver past a semi with an add for Walgreens on it.

that needs to be 'ad'

Okay! that's all. Loved loved loved the piece! I can totally relate, the emotion and everything is PERFECTLY portrayed. Thanks!

Wow Jane, this is great I must say. I'm a Pennsylvania girl, and for a long time my mom's talked about moving to North Carolina. I can related to the character, and the way it's just so real and filled with emotion...is wonderful. One itty bitty thing I noticed.

I wouldn't be able to hear my mom at, then settled back into my chair.

When you say chair, my mind goes to like a wooden dining room chair, not a seat in a car. It's not really that big, but I just thought I'd let you know .

Really awesome job! Keep writing!

~Hope

This is a very good piece. The whole teenage angst, no one understands me especially my parent feel can easily come off whiny and annoying but this is pitch perfect. We feel every inch of your frustration and sadness, and it's very moving. Some things you might want to change are shaping your mother as a almost stereotypical villain. Is there another side to her. Add some more to to her to make her more fleshed out and three dimensional.
Also I recommend you to add another chapter to this story. Id love to see what happens next. In conclusion, this is a very good solid story that perfectly captures a story, a image and a feeling. Well done

This is truly emotive- I really feel like I can relate. Your descriptions were particularly impressive!

I love it! Everything that I've read from this anthology had been great so far, and I have to say that this piece even tops "Dear God". It's very real, very personal, and very modern. I do realize that you posted this months ago (haha), but great nevertheless. Keep it up!