Young Writers Society

Read this: \/


Hi Jenny,

I'm going to be extremely blunt about this. My summer is extremely limited. I have a job from 7:30 A.M to 6:00 P.M (really 8:30 to 5, but commute takes an hour). That itself restricts the amount of time I have to do anything BSAC/BUS/school year related. I also have a lot of family things to attend to, such as visiting relatives, weddings, and taking care of cousins/being dragged around by parents to places I don't want to go. On top of that, I feel like shit (sick) because of all the work that is piling up. Oh and I forgot to mention that I haven't done my summer reading yet or my physics packet. Although my weekend are normally times that I get stuff done, those have been taken away from me quite often. That leaves week days in which, when I get home, I simply just want to relax. After all, last time I checked, it was summer vacation.

In other words, my vacation has yet to come. I went to school up until nearly the end of June. I had roughly two or three days to myself before I went to work on July 5th (yeah, the day after July 4th, fun). It is August 8th as I write this email and my job ends on August 19th. As of August 20th, my family will be taking a vacation to Canada to visit a church, which is not my idea of vacation either. That is a chore. Once that is done with, I may have a week or two at best before I do more stuff for BSAC and then school starts. I just want some time to myself and try to enjoy "summer vacation".

I want to work on the website.
I want to go to BUS meetings.
I want to help BSAC with everything that is going on.
I want to go to work.
I want to finish my internship.
I want to go visit family members.
I want to help out whomever in the family that needs it.
I want to do my summer reading.
I want to start my physics packet.
I want to stay fit and healthy.

But really right now, all I want to do is play video games, write my book, eat out by myself, and try to catch up on sleep (get into a normal habit, not this 12 to random time nonsense). I know this is how life is. We wake up, go to work, go home, and then sleep. That's how life will be in eight years when I'm done with college. But I shouldn't have to feel this a decade early because when people talk about fond childhood memories, I just fucking laugh at them because they don't exist. Right now I'm not really feeling overwhelmed or anything. I know I'm not thinking straight (no I'm not on drugs), but I'm just slightly, ever so slightly ticked off that I have to do all this bull shit and society expects me to do all of this because if I don't: "I'm never going to get into that college everyone else wants me to go too, I'll never become anyone in life, and I'll be stuck at the bottom of the food chain for the rest of my life."

You can entirely disregard this email though. Because I know that although I send this email and although you will try to console me, I'll still end up going to the next BUS meeting, I'll still end up doing stuff I don't really care for, and I'll still feel like ass. That's just the way life works. So I guess there was no point in writing this email, nothing will change. Nothing ever will with this world. I guess you could say I'm a little more depressed than angry now. Nothing ever changes in this world. Not the backwardness of how society works, or politics, or capitalism, or racism, or sexism, or any type of -ism, or war, or hunger, or poverty, or even life. From the minute you are born, you are set on a path and if you stray off of it, you're ousted from our little "utopia" and then shunned from life.

Would you like to know my path? I started school at the young age of three. I went to two pre-schools (a pre-pre-school and then a pre-school), followed by Kindergarten 1 and Kindergarten 2. I went to a public school for 1st to 3rd grade and upon reaching the 4th grade, I reached what people call the "upper tier track," in which they talk about me as someone who is destined for success. I enrolled in the Advance Work class for 4th to 6th grade and in the 7th grade, I enrolled in an exam school. It wasn't the most prestigious school (though I could have gone to Boston Latin School if I wanted). I went to the second school, simply because I wanted to ease the burden on my parents. I trudged through those years, constantly battling other people for what we call "college spots". Next year in the 11th grade, I will be taking two AP's and almost everything else Honor's with the exception of Japanese, which itself already feels like an Honor's class for someone who has trouble learning languages. In the 12th grade, I will graduate within the top ten students and then go to an Ivy League (Harvard, where my sister goes) or a +Ivy League (MIT). In four years I will graduate and then pursue a masters/PhD. After majoring in Engineering/Business, I will join a well known company and rise through the ranks or start my own business. After several years of working, I will have accumulated a tidy sum and retire. That is the path set for me. Or rather, that is what is expected of me.

I find it funny that there is such a drive for youth to step into a more "mature" position. I use to be proud that I stood above my class mates. I use to be proud that I knew when to speak, when to be quiet, when to act, and when to pretend to be that little peon of society. But as time passed, I wished more and more to be ignorant like the teenagers people so often stereotypically describe. I wished that I wouldn't have to worry about politics that happen now and will affect me. I wished I wouldn't have to worry about the scandals that rocked the world now and would later affect me. I wished that I wouldn't have to worry about the impending wars that would affect me. But I can't. It's in my blood and it's in my mind. Some people have blessed me for having a superior mind. I call it a curse. When I stay up late at night, worrying about something that I've analyzed far too long, it frustrates me at how nothing ever changes. Because although it's nice to be able to realize all of these things, it's even worse when you realize that this is the way it has been for decades/centuries/millennia/beginning of man kind.

I've mentioned my emotions: angry and depressed. But perhaps it is in reality I am scared. Scared of the new and open? Perhaps that is the case. But I'm more afraid of myself. I've resisted the temptation to go smoke weed with my friends and do drugs. I've resisted the temptation to get wasted and then do stupid shit on the streets. There are times though, when I stare at the pills in the cabinet. There are times when I stare at the kitchen knife in the drawer. There are times when I stare at the extension cord plugged into the wall. There are times when I wait for the train and wonder what would happen if I jumped onto the track. But hey, I don't feel pain; I'm just a mindless pawn. I can survive another sixty odd years of this life, right?

But there is more than just that. Sometimes I stare at the metal pipe in the corner. Sometimes I stare at the machetes and hunting knives lining sporting good stores. Sometimes I stare at the I.E.D's that terrorists have strapped onto their chests. Sometimes I stare at the countless videos of guns. Sometimes I stare at my own two hands, wondering how they are capable of hurting and helping at the same time. Because it's not the world I'm afraid of or the people. I'm afraid of the day I may loose control of myself. The day I might harm something or someone. The day I may finally go crazy and off myself in a quiet corner.

That isn't going to come though. That's just a dream because that would be all too nice. No. For now I will truck through life. I will forget about this conversation I have had with myself for years. Maybe I'll come back to it, read it, and relive the emotions. But these are just that. If I kill my emotions and act like how society wants, it'll be ok right? Perhaps the time for being a rebel is over. You can only fight for so long before you lose everything you have: you pride, your honor, your friends, your family, your wealth, you joy, your will, and perhaps even your life. I've fought for so long. I don't want to be a typical 9 to 5 office worker. I don't want any of that I moan as tears drip down my cheeks. But fighting society is like holding back a flood with a bucket. I'm one small head screaming in an island of billions.

I'll steel myself, harden my face, and droop my bangs over my eyes. I'm tired. But there is just that one spark inside of me that I'll hide and lock away, to keep safe from the world. I'll wait until the chance comes to relight my soul. I'm tired and my energy is wasting away. I'll go into stand by mode and turn on my automatic personality. I'm scared, I'm angry, and I'm depressed. But nothing in this world matters anymore to me. I can throw away wealth, friends, and family just to answer this one question:

If you can answer that question then everything else melts away. At least that's the hope, but I believe it.

Reading this, I sware it's like you got in my mind and wrote the very words I've been whispering to myself ever since I can remember.
They tell me Im smart. But hearing that Im "smart" has gone from sounding like a blessing, to a curse. The word "smart" is equivalent to the word "potential". Potential means that I have to work. Hard. Because we all have to live up to whatever potential we have or what are we?
In this world it's been decided, prior to our arival, how things are to work. We do not argue with this. Argueing is pointless.
There are those of us who are hopelessly unintelligent. Not in an IQ sort of way, but in the way are brains work in general. And there are those of us who sit around in our heads, never able to escape.
We are the ones with the weight on our shoulders. It may be unrecognizable from the outside but its there. We are expected to change the world. Make it better. Or at least have above average lives. It's subtile, but its there. Its in the way people look at us. The way people ask us things.
There measuring up our potential. Deciding what we should have, who we should be. And if we aren't then what are we? What are we to them? And, perhaps more importantly, what are we to ourselves?
Failures.
I cannot fail. In anything. Anytime I do, I lose myself. I lose control. It feels over. Like I must be ended.
Not everyone understands, but it seems to me that you do. People ask me why I can never fully let lose. Why I can't just stop caring. Why I have to work so hard. Why it matters so much to me that I'm always on track with academics.
Here is why:
In high school I will have to start off with the top classes. From there I can get to the more advanced classes, the APs.Also I will have to join more extra curriculars. To make sure that Im one step ahead if I can be.
After highschool I will have to apply for several scolarships at a highend school because I know my and my family's earnings will not cover college.
I will have to get a very good job doing god knows what, as long as it pays well. It has to pay well or this all will have been a waste.
See how the world takes us back to the root of all evil?
For now Im supposed to be just a kid in middleschool right? Wrong.
Because when Im not in school Im doing extra curriculars, or Im on enriching websites, or Im trying to avoid my highly disfunctional family and friendships. My childhood ended before I got to enjoy it.

I realize now that Ive been ranting for quite some time.

I suppose my point is that I feel your pain. That this world does nothing but run around in endless circles, and its nice to know that someone else recognizes it.

I'm going to go with hopeispeace here and say that I can relate to this piece.

I've written a lot of these emails before and I'd just like to say that most of them end up in my drafts for a few days before they are discarded. There was only ever one person ever sent those sorts of email to.

I started my school life at age 5 and didn't know how to read a word other than my name. However, I began quickly progressing and was labelled as an 'overachiever'. My parents recognised this as well and somehow, I got dragged into piano as well and became labelled as a 'piano prodigy' by the time I was 10 because I managed to achieve grade six level.

We were never really offered any advanced classes until this year (where I'll be able to sit NCEA level one mathematics a year early) so spent most of my primary school life trying to be a know-it-all in class because I was just bored with everything, except I wouldn't admit that to anyone so I plastered on a smile and made it look like I had fun no matter what.

I also have an issue where in group projects, I tend to do most of or all of the work. I'm not sure if that's my choice or an expectation by the group I'm in anymore, but it bugs me...

Well, my life probably makes no more sense to you, but I'll get on with the actual review part of this as opposed to saying the story of my life.

I really enjoyed this because it felt real to me. That seems like a very general term and it is because I can't seem to think of another one to use. This felt like your life and its one of those pieces that makes me want to get up and give you a hug, so *hug*

I'd just like to say, I just quit piano (I did mention that, right?) because I had way too much on to do another exam. I really have no intentions to go to an Ivy League university at this point because, well, my school doesn't offer Cambrige or IB for one, so I have to do NCEA which I don't think is recognised very greatly, but I may be wrong =P

I probably don't have enough extracurricular activities to count for much either. I'm just an unnecessary member of our school orchestras and and even more unnecessary member of the choir =P

I guess at this point I could go the way of my school's gifted and talented co-ordinator and attempt to explain how the gifted mind works (you sound like you have the mind of a gifted person, but I'm probably not the best judge and I'm sorry, this is probably completely unnecessary), so I will. No, I won't. I just realised I had a completely invalid point.

When you read this, give yourself a good break- you deserve one for writing this and for everything written in here =)

Oh man, that was the question I was wondering. Whether or not you sent the email.
You know, you probably remember the piece I put up. When you're just tired with the world. I feel like yours is so much more intense and raw.
That feeling of so much to do, especially when you don't even want to, is so overpowering and I hope you find some positive outlet to release it! Feel free to PM me when you need to talk or complain or anything.
AND no matter how stressful, don't think stupid thoughts. Even though I don't know too much about life, that option is never worth it!
Keep fighting, though it may be hard.