Young Writers Society

Preface: This is a personal essay I am writing for admissions to university. According to my guidance counselor, and earlier essay I posted on YWS, The Trichotomy of Me, was too much of a laundry-list of my extra curriculars. In this essay I really wanted who I am to come out, and I hope it did. Additionally, it is 1,000 words and it should be around 500; any suggestions to cut it down are appreciated. Of course, all constructive criticism is welcome. Happy reading.

The Things I learned before I turned 17 (Revised)

There is no better quality than being true to yourself. If you don’t know who you are, it is quite difficult to espouse yourself. In 8th grade, I took a risk. I went against the advice of every educator in my Jewish yeshiva and elected to enroll in one of the best schools in the country, albeit, a public one.

When I entered 9th grade, I had a mission. I wanted to see if I could retain my Jewish identity and reconcile it with my adventurous self. I channeled passion to creative outlets; I started writing, playing sports, acting, and being involved in my community.

Who is wise? He who learns from every person, as it is said: 'From all those who taught me I gained understanding' (Psalms 119:99)- Ethics of Our Fathers

The mission I signed up for was a team effort; I needed other people to help me find myself. In order to be true to myself, I needed to understand myself, and to do that, I had to see myself in the context of the world (an impossible task in a homogenous Yeshiva). The good thing about my new school is I only had to walk a few steps before I found who I was looking for. School is a rainbow adorned with people of every race, ethnicity, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, and economic status. Some of my favorite memories include chats about our different customs with my Chinese Buddhist friend Ming-Mei , sitting at the Hispanic lunch table everyday during junior year, and agreeing with the Vice President of the Muslim Student Association about the mutual strife both politically and in the context of being a religious teenager in a secular world.

I accredit my mother for teaching me to never be afraid of opening my mouth, a freedom I have taken advantage of in numerous occasions. I did however learn to open my mind, my eyes, my heart, and my arms. My bookish yeshiva girl self soon befriended two gay peers who after coming out of the closet themselves, helped me unleash my true sociable self to the world. I became an activist and a leader both in my Jewish world and in school, and managed to use this duality to my advantage.

I learned in order to earn respect from people you must first respect them. Nobody likes listening to other people rant about things they don’t care about, like conservatism, and liberalism. As someone who speaks in front of crowds often, I learned to hear these people out. When I do recycle, I thank Ruthie from the environmental club for making me care. When I hear “that’s so gay” in the hallway I am the one who tells people not to say that because it’s offensive to gay people. Had I not met Todd, Evan, or the kind hearted people in the Gay-Straight Alliance I probably wouldn’t have cared or even noticed. My friendships have changed too. I became close with Avital, a girl with a panic disorder and emotionally abusive parents. I learned to be more empathetic; I was her on-call therapist if she ever needed to talk to someone, and when I was having parental issues she was first on my speed-dial. I learned to appreciate my background, the Jewish education I received, something my public school friends who are becoming more religious wish they had.

Some things never change. I still think a Torah lifestyle is one I want to lead, but I will defend anyone who wants to live another way. I’m a hardcore Zionist, yet I go to Israeli Apartheid week and hear people out; I incite dialogues. I admire the courage the people in my school who wear burkas and turbans have; they wear their beliefs proudly. I rejoice with my vegetarian friends because we both have dietary guidelines we follow that are both satisfied with the numerous Kosher-vegetarian restaurants New York City has to offer. Our favorite: Indian.

I have swallowed my pride long ago. I will ask anybody for help. I will talk to strangers (I blame my mother’s unconventional parenting for not scolding me for this). I will skip down the hallways in my modest clothing, or run down them in the newest fashion trend I made up (like sporting a 50s style bob when I donated a foot of hair to children with cancer). Amy can be against the status quo health care bill where I am for it, Billy doesn’t think there is a greater being while I do; we respect our differing opinions and can agree to disagree.

I learned to make sure when I say yes to someone else I am not saying no to myself. I learned that with every decline for a hangout over the Sabbath, an offer should be made to schedule alternate plans. I dance in the park when people are watching (fine, attempt to). I pick the latest adventures: an LGBT Purim Party, museums, old forts, rock climbing, parks, giving cookies out to people in Times Square…

I learned the delicate balance between work and friendship. While staying up video chatting when I have a term paper due is a bad idea, when a friend is having a crisis, I delay my homework for an hour or two to lend an ear and some insight.
I learned that as long as you respect yourself it doesn’t matter what people think. I turn the other cheek if I am ever subject to anti-Semitic remarks, insulted about my studious nature, or vertically challenged stature. I learned about fortitude. I dealt with emotional and physical abuse at home, and I kept my chin up. I learned blood is not thicker than water, and I formed my own family; established a network of people I could confide in and who would appreciate me for who I am. I learned to manage for myself and know that I am prepared to live on my own and tackle any challenge that will come my way.

I learned in order to get what I want I have to be my own advocate. I sold myself to acquire a research internship, become the NY Jewish Student Union Coordinator, and plan to use this zeal to make the case for Israel when I get to college.

But most of all, I learned to be thankful for who I am. I plan to be happy wherever I end up, and make a positive difference in this world using whatever resources I have. I challenge you to throw me the world, and I affirm to throw it back at you, affected, inspired, and more fabulous.

I love this! I have no idea how you would cut it down. This is a wonderful essay, and I don't know how you could bear to cut it down. Good luck with the universities and I hope you change the world!

Very good essay. You have evaluated your life in just a couple of paragraphs. I like how you kind of write in the 2nd person, yet it is obviously from your perspective. My only problem, however, is your punctuation in very few parts of your essay. But it's only a little thing: no one's perfect. Keep up the good work; I rather enjoyed that.

Hi! As someone who's just gone through this, I'll try to give you some advice:

The first point you need to really decide, is WHAT are you trying to show? This is answer that can vary. What personality, what characteristics are there that you wish to emphasize? Choose wisely, you need to select one that you know the college admission officers would want to see. One tip in this decision is that it shouldn't be too much. Keep it limited to a few points you want to make (the best is probably one you can really focus on!)

Okay, after you've organized your thoughts, you need to think of a way to present it. Now, the main point in this step, is to AVOID writing what your peers will. Trust me, anything different will make them look at your application differently!
You might want to research this, but I'll just list the ones I know of:
-The Trip: You went to camp and learned something new.
-The Person: Unless you are certain you can make this different and unique, try not to tread on this overly used motif.
-The List: This is who I am, a, b, c, d, e..etc. (Just think of it as you have plenty of space to write about this on the common app. Since you can even send in additional information in a packet don't worry about not listing your credentials!)
There's a lot more, so I would advise you to buy a book that highlights all the pitholes you want to avoid!

So how to do it then?
Well, my personal favorite (as you might have noticed) is to focus on a specific memory I KNOW is EXCLUSIVE to me. You should do the same. Even if it's a certain game you played when you were young, or a memory that could only have happened to your life IT'S UNIQUE and the bored college admission officer will be INTERESTED.
So go for it!

And, although this current essay is very good, I have several things to nitpick about. You don't have a clear flow and organization to your essay. Theres honestly a bit too much information to process. I would decide out of all you wrote, which one you most want to emphasize on. Is it the fact that although you are a Zionist, you firmly believe in the need to respect other people's opinions, such as your Muslim, Hispanic, and Indian friends? This is a great point to make, one that shows you are sturdy in your own opinions, but you don't hesitate to considers others. HOWEVER, I would say that an admissions officer who's been reading tons of essays straight won't be too keen to pull out your message.

How I suggest you rewrite this:
Perhaps you can specifically recall a time where you met a Muslim friend? Then, as though you were writing a novel, use action verbs to SHOW not tell the encounter. Gradually, conclude with your point.

Now, you're almost done!
However, you need to make sure (this is the last hitch) that you don't STATE your point. College Admission officers hate it when you baby it down for them and tell them directly. The essay should be written in a way that lets them come to the conclusion for themselves!

I hoped this help, and good luck! Also, its not a bad idea to make several essays and choose the best one~!

Hi! I just want to say that I think this is really good! I love this sentence:

I dance in the park when people are watching (fine, attempt to).

But most of all, I learned to be thankful for who I am. I plan to be happy wherever I end up, and make a positive difference in this world using whatever resources I have. I challenge you to throw me the world, and I affirm to throw it back at you, affected, inspired, and more fabulous.

The ending is amazing! I really have no idea how you could cut this down. I like how you express yourself, and let the reader know who you really are. Great job!