Young Writers Society

I don't remember most of that day. I remember getting off that boat. Onto an island; shell island. With assorted bushes and grasses throughout it's surface. I remember the joy of simply thinking "I'm on an island!" I remember running...In my joy of "being on an island" I lost my sense of navigation. I stopped, and looked around several times.
Which way did I come from? Where were my mother and grandfather now? I had thought such things frequently... Having turned around several times, I begun walking "back" to where I came from. I picked up various shells. I eventually got to a house on stilts. I will never forget that house... or maybe I have? I can picture it... although I'm not quite sure if that was really it. It was er tall... And brown... I think? Anyway, back to what I was thinking then... Why was it on stilts? Did the island flood at high tide? I panicked, and begun walking back the direction I came to it from, having not recognized that specific landmark.

I walked. And walked. And walked some more. By the coast. Across the island. Zigzagging. Anything I could think of. I kept thinking things like "What happens if I don't get off of this island before high tide?" or "How long has it been since I got here. An hour. Two hours? Three? Four?" even things like "I was never even in love..." I believed I would die at high tide. "How much time do I have left?" I thought, as the sun got ever so nearer to the horizon. I thought about that house again. Were there people in it? Maybe they could help me. I walked back to that house, "People!" I thought, and found myself looking at a group of people coming from a boat on the other side of the island. I ran over to them and said something like that I'd been stuck on the island and I needed to get back to my mom and grandfather.

They took me to the tourist boat and the people on the tourist boat, gave me 2 bottles of water, and a turkey sandwich. That is, if my memory serves me correctly. Anyway, since my grandfather had a TV show he was famous in the county or the state or something, they knew who he was, and were able to contact him. A few minutes later, My mom and grandfather picked me up. I gave my mom the various shells I had picked up. We still have them. Around... When I explained what happened, they said that they followed my footprints for awhile until the wind covered them up with sand, that the reason there were stilts on the house had something to do with hurricanes, that it was actually more like 2.5 hours, and from their description of where they were, I figured that I had been going in the wrong direction from the start. My grandfather asked me to be on his show for a day. I gladly accepted and was in a newspaper article a week or so later... True story. Happened in Florida. Awhile back... (I was 11 then.) Don't know how to end this story, but I hope you enjoyed what I could recall after nearly 4 years!

Hey !

That was a really nice article there! A few nitpicks (there are always a few arent there? ;D ):
1) I, personally, felt that you put too many dots, I figured that at that point of time, the character was trying to recollect what had happened, but you could have expressed it more in words than in dots.
2) Spellings! I'm not all that great in them, but I found two. The spelling of 'Their'. I believe you wrote 'thier' and the spelling of 'Country', you wrote 'county' (Last 3-4 lines and the beginning of the last paragraph respectively.)
3) Separation. After every 4-5 lines, begin a new paragraph. It will not only help the readers to read more clearly, but for you to - to know how far you've reached and how much more to go ahead.
4) No offence or anything if it is a true story (as you mentioned at the end) but how can you NOT know who your grandfather is? And you said it was 'a while back' as in, only some time back yeah? So why are you still so fuzzy with the memory?

I kind of felt that you wanted to get this over with, then and there. You didn't take your time, chosing your words and making your sentences clearly. If you werent in such a hurry, you would have put some space between

True story. Happened in Florida... Awhile back...

and the last sentence of the latter paragraph

My grandfather asked me to be on his show for a day. I gladly accepted and was in a newspaper article a week or so later...

BUUUUTTT--- other than that, the idea was nice!
Keep writing!

I think you were right about "their" but it was actually supposed to be "county" (a county is a group of cities or something...) not country. thanks for the review!
-IKnowAll

Hey. I'm Gheala.

I don't remember most of that day... I remember getting off that boat... Onto an island; shell island... with assorted bushes and grasses throughout it's surface... I remember the joy of simply thinking "I'm on an island!" I remember running...In my joy of "being on an island" I lost my sense of navigation... I stopped, and looked around several times...Which way did I come from? Where were my mother and grandfather now? I had thought such things frequently...

-You use so so many three periods. Why do you use them that much? A chapter might pass and the author wouldn't need to use them any more than once. Use a simple one period, because this honestly confused me before I even read one word of this piece.
-I have to say, though, you have a very good way of pacing through your story. Even though I so wanted to know your impression of the island and how you saw the trees and the ocean, I did enjoy how you got me interested in what the MC was doing. That's very good and it's very necessary, so you should keep that up. Nevertheless, I think I still want to know the description of the surroundings. I want to know it, even if it would be brief.

Having turned around several times, I begun walking "back" to where I came from...

-I was confused about why you put the word back in quotation marks.

I picked up various shells... I eventually got to a house on stilts... I will never forget that house... or maybe I have? I can picture it... although I'm not quite sure if that was really it... It was er tall... And brown... I think? Anyway, back to what I was thinking then... Why was it on stilts? Did the island flood at high tide? I panicked, and begun walking back the direction I came to it from, having not recognized that specific landmark.

-Try to use some commas and also give a shot and merge some of those sentences together. It would give an even better impression.
-The MC here sounded a little unfocused. First, he will never forget the house and then he thinks he did forget the house, but then he wasn't sure if the picture in his head was for the house. Try to decide for your MC whether he or she can remember the house.
-One more thing: When a person is lost, they mostly think about the way they should take to go back. Even if he wasn't lost, I don't think anybody would normally panic when they see a house on stilts. It's just a house and a person would only start to be afraid when the high tide actually takes place. Or at least, that's what I think.
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Practice more and you will definitely do much better as time passes. You have very good potential and a very easy way to describe things, but you do need to throw more description there. I wanted to see how the house really looked, its colors, and how high it was.
I think you have a very interesting start for a story here, but you unfortunately didn't give me as much details as I wished to read. I kept depending on my own guessing for how things looked and that isn't nice when it remains this way throughout most of the piece. You know what I mean?
Also, use punctuation and make your sentences longer. It will read much better. Practice and you'll do great.