Young Writers Society

Immediately after being handed the essay, “Sexism in Rock and Roll Lyrics” by Rod Cohen, I opened it up and started reading. The title, though decidedly not the greatest title in the world, drew me in because of the mention of my favourite genre of music, rock. And I was not disappointed in the way that it was incredibly interesting, and brought up many different topics that made me think about society and how we as humans live in our current world.

For example, one of the main topics that this essay discusses is the portrayal of women in popular music lyrics, primarily classic rock and roll. Rod Cohen talks about how the songwriters demean and degrade women by the way they talk about relationships and various females that they have come in contact with; for example, he sums the song “Under My Thumb” by The Rolling Stones up as a song just about the male's need and wish to dominate his female mate, and have total control over her.

However, while this is all a valid point about there being examples of sexism and disrespect of women in these lyrics, the author fails to mention all the other forces in our society that are also degrading towards women, as well as promoting the idea that sex has no meaning in regards to an actual real relationship anymore.

For instance, a lot of the movies or TV shows lately have been mostly containing messages that everything is about sex and instant gratification. Take one of my favourite shows “How I Met Your Mother” for example. In this show, it revolves around the activities of a group of people who live in New York, told from the perspective of Ted, who is telling his children the story of how he met their mother. I've always enjoyed watching this show, because I've never really thought about what I was watching until reading this essay. However, now that I really look back, I see that through the whole series these characters are not role-models at all. All they do most of the time is drink, flaunt their sexual encounters and stay up most of the night, every single night. Not to mention, the one character named Barney is constantly trying to get another one night stand to add to his incredibly long list of people he has had sex with. Basically, they act like immature teenagers trying to play adult, despite the fact that they are all in their late twenties to early thirties. So really, what it all boils down to is the message that it is perfectly acceptable to be completely immature even if you are old enough to be able to be considered an adult and have sex with random strangers even if you're not in a committed relationship with them. Sex becomes nothing but a physical deed, all its spiritual meaning has been lost.

And then we also see these types of messages being thrown around all over our current pop culture; in books, celebrity “idol” lives, all types of music (especially rap and hip-hop), even in some of our news reports. These messages are everywhere all the time.

But, not only do these media messages affect how our society views sex, they also affect how people treat each other. Some people, after being bombarded by all these messages from the media, will begin to think that everyone is like the people they see portrayed. Men start to think that all women are willing to give themselves away to anyone, so they treat them according to their perceptions of them. And when they meet someone who refuses to conform to said social “norm”, they label them as a loser or a prude because they are modest and still have their morals intact.

However, it doesn't only affect the male population. It also makes women feel incredibly pressured to be like the women they see in the media, because they begin to think that you have to dress and act that way to be liked. They think that how the women on television and in magazines look that way naturally, are that thin naturally, and dress that way because it's how all women are supposed to look. Women start to think that there's something wrong with them if they don't have a model-thin body, so they do things like starving themselves to try to become just as thin and “beautiful” as the women put on display. They believe that if they do not do this, they won't fit in with the other people in the world, so they copy what they believe to be what everyone sees as beautiful.

And then this can be linked back to what I was saying about how people are beginning to view sex. Women become less modest, as well as freer with their morals. They will be more willing to dress and act provocatively just to get attention.

Say, if you take a look back about a hundred to a hundred and fifty years, you can see how drastically our society has changed in respect to how we treat things like sex. You could barely touch each other back then before you were either engaged or married, and sex was something you saved for within the promise of marriage, not something that was talked about all the time in regular society. I'm not saying that it wasn't heard of to have women who prostituted themselves, or men who would treat women like prostitutes, but those people were considered the lowest of the low. They were the scum of the earth back then, and now it seems like that behaviour is almost accepted. Sure, they don't accept it in the way that it's something that you see everyday on your way home from school or work, but it's something that people have accepted as a part of society.

One thing that is especially prominent in our society are places like strip clubs. These places are seen as everyday businesses that it's perfectly okay to go to, even though what people go to them to see is women strip naked for a room of complete and utter strangers for money.

But is that right? Is it okay for people to accept this prostitution and the drastic change in how we view sex? Is that what God wants us to do?

With the messages that we are constantly being tossed our way from movies, TV, music, even books, it would seem that our society would lean towards saying that this all is right and okay. People have accepted that this all is normal, and there doesn't seem to be any way to go back to the way that it was. We're stuck with this morphing image of what sex is, and how we should treat it.

God called us to abstain from sexual immorality, which is what this all is. We were called to treat our sexuality as a gift meant to be shared between two people who are committed to each other.

So now, what everyone really needs to do is just take a time out, and think about how they're acting. We all need to think about what we're listening to, reading and watching, and think about whether it really supports God's wish and plan for us.

Hey ChocoCat! (Can I call you that from now on?) Sporks here for a review. I don't know your exact prompt, so I can't give it a full analytical review. Also, your grammar is essentially spot-on, so I don't need to go into that. I'll simply answer your questions. :p

So, does anyone have any tips on how to make it more interesting, engaging, etc.?

I think you make it sufficiently interesting, though it read more like response to the other essay for the first few paragraphs. Maybe condense that bit and elaborate more on your own points? Maybe provide more than one example, like, talk about a specific magazine cover or fashion show you saw, rather than on simply vague terms.

Do you think it's specific enough?

Well, there are a couple parts that could be more specific; I mentioned them above. But it wasn't completely vague.

Does my point get across to you, the reader, easily?

Not very easily, in fact. I'm assuming your main point was that we need to re-evalute cultural norms? You don't mention it until the end of your essay, and then only for a few lines. Maybe insert your thesis more in the beginning, and then explain your subtheses, consistently tying them back to your overall thesis?

But yeah, I believe this is a pretty great start. Good luck!

Sporks

Hey, cat! It's Maddy here today, happy to review your piece. (Random, I know! That's the beauty of Review Day!)

Before I start today, I will mention that I am really quite harsh when it comes to reviewing essays, and I hope I don't offend you in anything I say; I can be quite brutal because I strive for perfection when writing my own (just ask my English teachers!).
Now that's out of the way, let's begin!

Immediately after being handed the essay, “Sexism in Rock and Roll Lyrics” by Rod Cohen, I opened it up and started reading. The title, though decidedly not the greatest title in the world, drew me in because of the mention of my favourite genre of music, rock. And I was not disappointed in the way that it was incredibly interesting, and brought up many different topics that made me think about society and how we as humans live in our current world.

First of all, you've used first person! Because I don't know the requirements for this essay, I won't slap you. But in general, first person is generally a writing style writers stray away from in any essay, even if it is opinionative. I would suggest changing it to third. Please. Or if you refuse to take my advice, please at least try to make it less personal and focus more on your information.

I can tell you've tried to be creative with your opening, but in most ways it doesn't work for me. In general, avoid opening statements that make your own actions clear, for example:

after being handed the essay, “Sexism in Rock and Roll Lyrics” {{{remember to italic your references!}}} by Rod Cohen, I opened it up and started reading

We know you were handed it, opened it up and started reading. This action is irrelevant to the essay. Lose it.

decidedly not the greatest title in the world, drew me in because of the mention of my favourite genre of music, rock

should be:
decidedly not the most creative title in the word, lured me in because of the mention of Rock, my favourite genre of music.

When I reread this introduction, I realised it was missing one key ingredient: the mention of the key topic disscussion! All introductions are supposed to introduce the topic and issue explored! So you've told us about the article, great: Now tell us the key topic you will discuss! It only has to be one sentence long, or even if you change some of the words in a sentence you've already written, and bam, we know the article you drew inspiration from, and briefly what's to be expected.

For example, one of the main topics that this essay explores is the portrayal of women in popular music lyrics, primarily classic Rock n' Roll. Rod Cohen shows us, by displaying and analysing their song lyrics, just how the songwriters demean and degrade women by the way they talk about relationships and various females that they have come in contact with; for example, he sums the song “Under My Thumb” by The Rolling Stones up as a song just referring to the male's need and wish to dominate and control his female mate, and have total control over her.

However, while this is all a valid point about there being examples of sexism and disrespect of women in these lyrics, the author fails to mention all the other forces in our society that are also degrading towards women, as well as promoting the idea that sex has no meaning in regards to an actual real relationship anymore.

In the last part of the paragraph, you've made it sound as if the author did a bad thing by not mentioning the other parts of society that contain sexism. This is a big no-no. You're wanting to support the author, not make him sound like an idiot, and yourself one too. Change the annotations in the words you're using to positive ones, and explain how you "feel other parts in society that also contain sexism ought to be bought to our attention". (Or something along those lines).

For instance, a lot of the movies or TV television shows lately have been mostly containing messages that everything is about sex and the instant gratification it brings. Take one of my favourite shows “How I Met Your Mother” for example. In this program, the plot revolves around the activities of a group of people who live in New York, told from the perspective of Ted, who is telling his children the story of how he met their mother, hence the title. I've always enjoyed watching this show, but until recently I've never really thought about what I was watching until reading Rod Cohen’s article. However, now that I really look back, I see that through the whole series these characters are not role-models at all. All they do most of the time is drink, flaunt their sexual encounters and stay up until almost dawn, every single night. Not to mention the one character named Barney, an immature man who is constantly trying to get another “one night stand” {{{because this is improper language (slang) use connotation marks}}} to add to his incredibly long list of people he has had sex with. Basically, they act like juveniles trying to play adults, despite the fact that they are all in their late twenties to early thirties. So really, what it all boils down to is the message that it is perfectly acceptable to be completely immature even if you are old enough to be able to be considered an adult and have sex with random strangers even if you're not in a committed relationship with them. Sex becomes nothing but a physical deed, all its spiritual meaning has been lost.

Where’s the link back to the topic, or mention of the key word, sexism? Whilst it might be clear to you that this article is clearly based on the issue of sexism, you need to remind your readers of this and link back this paragraph to the topic for clarity. Usually this is done in the last few sentences.

And then we also see these types of messages being thrown around all over our current pop culture; in books, in celebrity “idol” lives, in all types of music (especially rap and hip-hop), even in some of our news reports. These messages are everywhere all the time; not always obvious, but still present.

But, not only do these media messages affect how our society views sex, they also affect how people treat each other. Some people, after being bombarded by all these messages from the media, will begin to think that everyone is like the people they see portrayed. Men start to think that all women are willing to give themselves away to anyone, so they treat them according to their perceptions of them. And when they meet someone who refuses to conform to said social “norm”, they label them as a loser or a prude because they are modest and still have their morals intact. {{{Good, I like this statement }}}

However, it doesn't only affect the male population. It also makes women feel incredibly pressured to be like the women they see in the media, because they begin to think that you have to dress and act that way to be liked accepted. They think that how the women on television and in magazines look that way naturally, are that thin naturally, and dress that way because it's how all women are supposed to look. Women start to think that there's something wrong with them if they don't have a model-thin body, so they do things like starving themselves to try to become just as thin and “beautiful” as the women put on display. They believe that if they do not do this, they won't fit in with the other people in the world, so they copy what they believe to be what everyone sees as beautiful.

The last two paragraphs are good, but you’re lacking evidence and stating too many generalisations. I would love if you could find a media article that shows a clear example of the woman conformity issue: it can be an article on a woman going through a period of her life as a prostitute, for example. I’m not going to provide one because that’s part of your research and comprehension for your essay and it would be cheating.

Say, if you take a look back about a hundred to a hundred and fifty years, you can see how drastically our society has changed in respect to how we treat things like sex. You could barely touch each other back then before you were either engaged or married, and sex was something you saved for within the promise of marriage, not something that was talked about carelessly all the time in regular society. I'm not saying that it wasn't heard of to have women who prostituted themselves, or men who would treat women like prostitutes, but those people were considered the lowest of the low. They were the scum of the earth back then, and now it seems like that sexist behaviour today is almost accepted. Sure, they don't accept it in the way that it's something that you see everyday on your way home from school or work, but it's something that people have acknowledged as a part of society.

You did an excellent job on this paragraph. Applause, please!

With the messages that we are constantly being tossed our way from movies, TV, music, even books music, television, media and other form of communication, it would seem that our society would lean towards saying that this all is right and okay. People have accepted that this all is normal, and there doesn't seem to be any way to go back to the way that it was {{you haven’t proven this, so don’t mention it as part of your conclusion}}}. We're stuck with this morphing image of what sex is, and how we should treat it.

Do you think it's specific enough?
Yes. Apart from the lacking evidence in the conformity paragraph, you’ve done a good job here.
Does my point get across to you, the reader, easily?
It’s a little vague, but I’m hoping once you change the introduction this problem should be sorted.
Any tips on how to make it more interesting, engaging, etc.?
Basically I’d suggest using more metaphors, similes, onomatopoeic language and in general some cool and unique words to give it that extra punch and make your piece more effective.

My Note:
What a topic to explore! I just love it when people confront sexism head on: it takes guts and moral values to be able to do this.
I love your tone, you have an agreeable and likeable personality in your style and this is fantastic.
Overall, don’t be discouraged by all that boldness and strikes. It’s only because I am a perfectionist, and I want you to do the best you can. Your ideas were sound, your evidence relevant: once you perfect your structure then it will be magnificent!
PM me a copy of your good draft once you complete it, I will be very interested in reading it.
- Maddy

Hmm, this is something to think about. While I agree with your views, I don’t think you portrayed them in the best way possible. From my point of view, everything you have said is both valid and useful, but perhaps it would not be so to others, yes?
What I mean is this: you meandered from your essay assignment and into other subjects that were somewhat linked to your original idea. You say you received an article on sexism in rock music, and then you get up on a soap box and speak about non-marital sex, strip clubs and immorality.
I believe that for an essay like yours, you must make it as concise and simple as possible, displaying brutal truth and proof, going in a straight line from point A to B and leaving no doubt overshadowing the question at hand.
For this, I would suggest that you limit the scope of your essay. Although the other topics are related and important, they water this essay down and spread the readers’ attention. Go back to the part where you branched off, this part I believe:

However, while this is all a valid point about there being examples of sexism and disrespect of women in these lyrics, the author fails to mention all the other forces in our society that are also degrading towards women, as well as promoting the idea that sex has no meaning in regards to an actual real relationship anymore.

See? This is where you started to deviate from your original intent. Try to keep the essay revolving around that point as much as possible and you should a more clear-cut and concise essay.
Now, the how of that procedure you’ll have to figure out yourself. After all, it is a school assignment, and most of the work must be your own.
I noticed no spelling, grammar or other such technical errors in your work. Just because I didn’t see any, though, is not good enough proof. Before you submit this to your teacher (Unless I misunderstood your spoiler and you already have) be sure to give it a thorough check-through for mistakes.
I hope I helped!
Jenth

P.S: I fear Maddy got most of the points already, but I reviewed this anyway!