Young Writers Society

Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we’d like it to. Sometimes we just have to grab our happiness where we can get it. The thing is, there were only two things that brought great joy into my life. The first one sparkled my own existence with her own; the birth of my endearing sister, Angela. I lavished all my tender love and care on her, hoping to revoke the looming prospect of facing reality: my life was anything but fulfilling.

I could not fathom living without her. She was the only reason I was determined to stick around; to help her grow into the most successful woman in the entire world. I guess all parents and elderly brothers feel that way, that their children and younger siblings will be something special. Angela will, however, truly prevail. Furthermore, nothing would sway my aspiration of molding my sister into the most talented basketball player ever seen.

Which leads me to tell you of my other lifeline: basketball. Whenever I felt like the whole weight of the earth was burdening my shoulders and I couldn’t spend my time with Angela, I looked to indulge into something else to bury my sorrow. The only plausible answer was basketball.



Angela was thirteen. She was a blossoming flower enchanting in the world of basketball. I swelled with pride whenever I went to one of her games. Her golden hair flew behind her in an unkempt mess as she weaved around the opponents, surpassing the other team to the basket single-handedly. Perhaps my life was not so bitter after all.

Another thing; I was Angela’s taxi driver. As it was, I had attained my driver’s license a couple of years back. Since then, I was constantly badgered with pleading phone calls and messages from my sister.

"Can you take me to the game this afternoon"?
"I have to be at my friend's house at 6 tonight and mum can't drive me there."
"I'm going to be late for school, could you give me a lift?"
The list was innumerable. Of course, I always acquiesced. I couldn’t say no to my Angela.



“Come on Dav, let’s go. I want to practice for tomorrow’s game,” Angela groveled.

“Coming,” I replied, trying to cajole her into waiting a couple of minutes as I put on my basketball shoes. After pestering me endlessly and having to retie my shoes for the umpteenth time, we got into the car and left.

I’d promised Angela I would take her to the basketball gym so she would be shipshape for the following day’s game. Naturally, I accompanied her onto the court to ensure that she was doing everything right and point out a couple of reminders. I always enjoyed this part of my life. Me with my baby sister, playing basketball. My two treasures, combined into one. My simple, little heaven on earth.

As I turned the key into the lock and pushed the main gym door open, I knew something was amiss. I had this queasy, enigmatic feeling I always get when I see teenagers tampering with drugs and cigarettes.

“Angela, wait outside,” I whispered, desperately attempting to keep the panic from overwhelming my instincts. The changing room doors hanged on their hinges, the windows were splattered in blood. I crept in a little. Drugs were strewn all over the floor. The whole gym reeked of the smell of cigarettes. Evil had wrecked this place, inflicting everlasting stains.

“Angela, we have to leave. Now,” infusing my voice with subconscious urgency. I turned to her, making to grab her arm to tear her away from this place of debauchery. A place which had once been my own untouchable sanctuary.
My world was torn asunder. A chill crept up my spine. Angela was a spread eagle lying motionless on the floor. Her eyes still wide in fear, her mouth open in a silent scream she would never utter. Blood was spurting out of her chest. A pool was already encircling around her. My beautiful, angel. My little baby sister. Dead.

I was too stunned to cry, or find any other way to vent the engulfing grief enveloping me . I looked up, away from the paralyzing sight. However, that which met my eyes was equally chilling. I saw a knife dripping with my sister’s life. It was then I acknowledged the owner of the dagger.

“Hello David,” he uttered. A person clothed in black. Someone, whose only discernible feature was the face , distorted into a look of eternal, repugnant adulation.. It was embellished against the boundless, depraved mass of darkness. The nostrils flared, spitting out the air Angela would never taste again. The eyes were brimming in sheer, utter malice and delirium. Standing a few feet away from me, reveling in the death of my sister, was the person I had hoped never to see again. My father.

Hey Palip!

I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you

First off, I'd like to say well done for catching me off guard. I had a feeling that something was going to happen to Angela, by the way that you had the protagonist build her up, but I had no idea you'd have her killed! And by her own father no less. Great ending by the way, even if it did creep me out a bit

So, I didn't catch many mistakes.

“Come on Dav, let’s go. I want to practice for tomorrow’s game,” Angela groveled. “Coming,” I replied, trying to placate her into waiting a couple of minutes as I put on my basketball shoes.

You should start a new line with every new speaker so it should read like this;

'“Come on Dav, let’s go. I want to practice for tomorrow’s game,” Angela groveled.
“Coming,” I replied, trying to placate her into waiting a couple of minutes as I put on my basketball shoes.'

As I turned the key into the lock and pushed the door open,

I was a little confused here, and it was only when I read on that I assumed the doors you meant here were the changing room doors. If so, I'd state that here so it's clear to the reader -

'As I turned the key into the lock and pushed the changing room door open,'

The changing room doors hanged on their hinges, the windows were splattered in blood.

Now, the only thing about listening to my above comment, is that you say here, that the changing room doors are hanging on their hinges. So, the only way I can think to sort it out, would be to -

a) State which door he's unlocking by saying it's the door to the gym.

or

b) You could say that the lockers are hanging on their hinges.

or

c) You can totally ignore me and not change a thing. After all, I'm only suggesting things I think will benefit your story

My world was torn asunder. A chill crept up my spine.

Maybe this would read better if you joined the sentences together -

'My world was torn asunder as a chill crept up my spine.'

or

'My world was torn asunder and a chill crept up my spine.'

Angela was spread like an eagle on the floor,

I think the saying is 'spread eagle'

I saw a knife dripping with my sister’s life.

I love this sentence

Standing a few feet away from me, reveling in the death of my sister, was the person I had hoped never to see again. My father.

Ooh! Chilling.

So, I think you developed the relationship between David and Angela well, seeing as it was so short. It's clear that she meant everything to him

I would like to find out what happened in the past, that made David wish to never see his Father again, though. But that's just me being curious

Thanks for the great read and I hope this review is of some help to you!

xDudettex

Hello there.

The first thing I noticed was that you had a couple of tense shifts. These really threw me out of the story since it made it a bit difficult to keep track of when what is happening. For instance:

Angela will, however, truly prevail.

The rest of the paragraph is in past tense, but this sentence is in future. Considering what happens to Angela, and that the narrator is presumably telling the story after the fact, it makes more sense for this sentence to be in past tense as well.

Generally, you should stick to one tense per paragraph. It makes it much easier for your reader to keep track of events in the story, which makes for easier reading.

One other thing you might want to watch out for: overly-foreshadowing. I knew from the moment Angela was introduced that she was doomed. You foreshadowed it so much, that by the time they reached the court, I knew what was going to happen to her; it was just a matter of how and who.

That said, their father comes pretty much out of nowhere, and there's conflict set up perfectly, but it just ends. There's no explanation why David would never want to see his father again, why his father would kill Angela, or even what David's reaction to his father killing Angela is. Basically, you've ended on a cliffhanger, and it leaves your readers wanting more. And as far as I can see, there doesn't seem to be a continuation to this.

When you leave your readers hanging like this, you're essentially promising something and never delivering on it. Try not to leave your readers hanging in the future.

Hey, Palip! Sorry for taking such a long time to get to this. I've been quite busy as of late so a lot of work has piled up. With that said, I'm sorry but this review shall be shorter than I intended it to be but I will still do my best to point out the main tweaks that I think need to be looked upon a second time. ^^

So, I want to start with a quick look at the introduction. I actually liked it, it wasn't 'gripping' metaphorically but it was interesting and you captured a nice thought so it was easy to connect to and it made me want to read more.

However there was one thing that stuck out to me and that was 'reasons'. Why was his sister so important to him? How did she make his life better? Also, it seemed like he was determined to make her into a wonderful basketball player but how did he know that being a basketball player was the thing that she wanted to do? Normally, girls don't really take much interest in sports so I would've liked a more clear explanation to why it was important to her and to him. Maybe it was just worded weirdly and you were trying to tell us that he 'helped' her in trying to accomplish her dream of being a basketball player. This sentence here was the one that confused me really:

Furthermore, nothing would sway my aspiration of molding my sister into the most talented basketball player ever seen.

Get what I mean? :/

Another thing, it seems like this is a bit telly rather than showy. You're explaining his emotions and all and although that's good, it's becoming more of someone 'telling' me a story rather than me feeling like it's being 'shown'. I guess an easier way to explain that would be that I don't think it engages the readers as much as I would have liked it to. This could be an area where you might want to work on a little more if you plan on revising this or something.

There seemed to be many cuts in this, you'd explain one thing and then jump to another and that made this short story feel sort of choppy in a sense so you might want to work on the flow of the piece overall so it becomes easier to take in and keep pace with.

Now, as for their relationship I feel like it's almost too perfect so it feels fake. I'd have liked to see something different or off about them that would make them feel more real as caring siblings. However, since it's a short piece you did do a good job making them get along but ever now and then you did repeat how much she meant the world to him which was annoying to have to read over again and that also made it seem like you were trying to force the manner onto the reader like saying 'believe it!' I would recommend you try to cut a few of those instances out so it doesn't seem repetitive.

As for the ending, I don't understand why the father would want to kill his child at all. In fact, it's like you were trying to make it so surprising that it wasn't. I figured the murder would be done by someone close once I began reading the gym scene. Also, you didn't even really mention the father at all so I don't know why he would kill her and it makes the ending feel like a mess with no explanation of any sort. What was the reason behind it all? Try working this relationship between the siblings and their father into the story so we believe that the father would do something like that instead of having him pop out of the bushes from nowhere and stabbing his daughter or something.

Overall, it was good and interesting but it still needs some work. If you have any questions let me know through a PM and I'll try to explain anything else.

All the best,
-Pink