Young Writers Society

In the backyard of my apartment there is an old red-brick wall that has been standing there since my memory can recall. It wears a crown of broken glasses and like a faithful sentinel, it guards us from men with harmful intentions.

Unlike other walls in the premises, it's unpainted and neglected; a bunch of wild creepers have grown over it like a large, green cloak.

Although for most people this wall must be boring and uninteresting, but for some reason my eyes perceive it as an object full of charm and personality.

The dried up cement that was used to bind it, now act as graceful wrinkles on it's old face.
An extra dimension of life is added by the lizards who are often seen sunbathing and chasing lunch on it.

If you ever spent some time with it, then I am sure that you would go back home and rip every wall off of it's paint and grow creepers on it.

In many ways that wall is a symbol of being who you want to be. Rejecting the conventional definition of glamor, it has created a beauty of it's own.

It's kind of funny to say, but I want to be like that wall- strong, hard and unconventional. I want to make the world see the unique beauty that lies hidden in things which are different. I want to make niche in this world where people who are labelled as 'strange' can embrace their identity.
I consider that red-brick wall my idol in this respect.

Recently I came to know that my idol is soon going to be demolished.

Childhood memories came flooding back and I ran to bid my farewell.
And now I find myself teary-eyed, staring intently into it's depths.
Sitting beside it, I run my hand through it's ruff skin, soon a wall with paint and plaster will replace it.

In contrast to me the red wall stands strong in it's place.
Either it's ignorant of it's fate, or it's happy to leave a world which failed to accept things with a difference.

Hi there! I really like the message of this piece, and I think you chose a great symbol, but it might need a little work.

spike71294 wrote:The dried up cement that was used to bind it, now act as graceful wrinkles on it's old face.

The word "it" is an exception to the rule that possessive nouns require an apostrophe before the s. However, when "it's" is used as a contraction for "it is," an apostrophe is used. I can't tell you exactly why it isn't the other way around, but it tends to make the author's intentions clearer. I've seen this mistake made several times throughout the article, but I'll leave you to go through and find/fix them.

spike71294 wrote:In many ways that wall is a symbol of being who you want to be.

Show, don't tell! In literature, it's great to be blunt about some things, but it sounds like you're writing an essay when you say, "this is a symbol of this." The reader should be able to figure that out. Have you ever read John Keats's "Ode on a Grecian Urn"? If not, read it through here. Try and figure what the symbol is, and what it's a symbol for, and then you'll understand what I mean by show, not tell.

spike71294 wrote:Childhood memories came flooding back and I ran to bid my farewell.

I love this sentence. There's just something about it that appeals to me. I know you probably weren't physically running over to the wall, but I know what you mean somehow.

One other tip I might suggest is to vary your sentence length. Using a mixture of short and complex sentences shows emotion without telling it bluntly. Varying sentence structure is a great way to help with showing and not telling.

Well, I hope this helps. With a little work, this could be a really fabulous piece of work!

- Abigail

Hi there. Lavvi in for a review.

You have a good idea here worthy writing about, but it's just a matter of writing it in the right way. I found it was a little vague at times, but that can be easily fixed with some extra detail. I also noticed some things that need to be addressed:

In the backyard of my apartment there is an old red-brick wall that has been standing there since my memory can recall.

First sentence, I know. Focus in on the italics. I found this part very awkward and I had to read it a few times over before I actually got what you were trying to say. Perhaps you could write: ...ever since I could remember.

There's also a few bits where your grammar is a little off, like here:

It wears a crown of broken glasses and, like a faithful sentinel, it guards us from men with harmful intentions.

Often, you can read out your writing and these grammatical errors will pop out at you, because you read how the punctuation is placed...

Overall

So, I liked it. I didn't love it because there was little detail and I want to know that detail. Expand on this wall. Let the reader see the wall, and maybe its surroundings. Of course, don't overdo it on the description because that's jsut as bad as not having enough description.

Also, I found that the piece was as rushed as it was vague. Slow down and write the piece. There's no race when writing. And when there's a rushed feeling, most likely there's little description. So this brings us back to the above XD

Writing is supposed to take its time in order to be successful

Once revised, I'd like to read this.

Lavvi

Thank you guys for your criticism. Actually I wrote this piece as a warm up exercise for writing my novel. That's why it's so rushed and vague. I think I will improve it but only if I get the time (I have to write my novel and there is always that torture called homework).

-Spikey