Young Writers Society

*Deleted*

Hello there, SweetMoments! I hope your holidays are going well and that you are no longer as sad as you seem in this short little piece of non-fiction. Corrections or add-ins to the text that I feel are neccessary shall be in red.

SweetMoments wrote:Why is it that the exact people who are horrible and mean get all the awards, friends no one cares what happens to me.

Alright, I was a bit confused by this sentence. Are you trying to say, "Why is it that the exact people who are horrible and mean get all the awards and friends; no one cares what happens to me," or are you using 'friends' to address us, so it would be, "Why is it that the exact people who are horrible and mean get all the awards, my friends? No one cares what happens to me." You can go either way, but it's much too confusing how you have it now.

SweetMoments wrote:Sometimes, I wonder if they will they notice if my head gets chopped off.

I think the sentence just sounds better, more 'smooth,' this way.

SweetMoments wrote:How about if I get abducted and murdered at school?

Before, this sentence was a fragment, and it would be fine to leave it that way, but I prefer the above.

SweetMoments wrote:And I know that no one will probably read this, as no one cares, but maybe, one day when someone actually realises that I am alive, they will read this.

Some missing punctuation.

Overall

This piece was an interesting one to read; perhaps not too uplifiting (or happy in any way at all, really), it did however give a strong message that many teens (and children, adults, etcetera) could relate with, which is desirable, as readers can easily feel the pain you felt. However, you did have some problems with missing commas, so just watch out for that a little better next time, alright? Also, remember that a comma can make a sentence one thing or another thing. For example, a forgotten comma could end in this: "Let's eat Grandpa." It should have been: "Let's eat, Grandpa." See how much difference it can make, how much effect a comma can have?

Also, it seems as if you are just stating your pain. I know this piece is relatively short, but you can expand -- it could even be a short story length. I think the reader would be much more effective at feeling your pain and would sympathize with you much better if you paint a picture in our mind of how they treat you, how it effects you, etcetera. Maybe a longer length of this piece would not be a bad thing - perhaps you should consider expanding on it? Anyways, overall you did a nice job with this and if you have any comments or questions, please feel free to message me.

I feel silly for writing nearly twice the size of the actual story in critique. Wow!

Have a g'day,
Mizzle

Haha thanks cupcake