It looked like a satirical picture. The fresh blanket of winter laid across the gravestones, the tops of flowers were wilted and dead like all those who permenantly resided beneath them. I sighed as my eyes danced across the names of the graves closest to my wooden chair and then let myself peer upwards at the clouds.
'Do people really believe that when their loved ones die they goto Heaven? Do they really think they're looking down at them?' I thought bitterly to myself. For if something so surreal were so true, then these funeral services would not be lined with tears.
Somebody was speaking in the distance, and it was a voice I thoroughly recognized though I did not wish to hear their words. I knew what they would be saying, and what they would be forcing me to remember. I did not want to remember the trials and tribulations of what had happened the past years. What I wanted to recall was the way that you would lean forward slightly overtop of your acoustic guitar and bring your calloused fingers to the side of my face, caressing them roughly down my cheek. The smile you would give me would always be so genuine as you bore your baby blue eyes into me, searching my soul for all the answers you already had. You knew me so well, better than I knew myself. You would bring your lips softly to the back of my hand or the nape of neck and whisper, "You're the sweetest Angel,". I would try so hard not to breakdown.
Your hand was something that felt familiar in mine, and even though we could never be together because I could not return what you had for me, I still clasped your digits as tight as I could. How foolish was I, for I should have remembered that when you hold sand too tightly all it will do is slip through the cracks in your fingers.
Another hand reached out from beside me and grasped my leg. I turned to face the contorted, sorrowful face of your best friend...your Brother. He was whimpering deep in his chest, his body shook vigorously and his eyes pleaded for mercy from the pain. I frowned and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, hoping to bring the comfort you always used to.
"He always loved you Mysty," he cried quietly in my ear as he leant his head on my shoulder.
"He'll always be apart of our family, Hayden. He always will be there," I assured him. The cold felt distant to me, though my body shivered against it and I cowered underneath my jacket. It was probably because my mind was too distracted elsewhere, recalling the touch of your warmth against mine.
Your songs would never leave me, that much I knew. The way you had made me feel like I was worthwhile would never leave, and the way you always made us smile and got us out of all the trouble we got into. The way you'd always be the one in worse trouble.
I heard my name called and Hayden pushed me from my seat, I stumbled out onto the aisle as all eyes turned towards me. I had no fear of speaking in front of audiences, but as I twiddled the high school ring you had given to me around my pinky finger, fear hit me like it never had before. Such fear that my heart stilled and my breath stopped cold within my lungs.
As I approached the podium at the front of the funeral, I glanced sideways at the small casing that held you in your final form; Ashes. I choked on my own words and the speech I had written lay forgotten in my pocket. Tearful faces looked up at me with bits of hope, did they think that I would have the words to ease their pain? Did they not see how broken I've become inside since you took yourself away from here?
I leaned heavily onto the podium and felt myself sobbing as my tears froze to my quivering cheeks, "Does this mean you're my angel now?"
Unable to take it anymore, I burst away from the crowd. I couldn't look back at you, I had to keep looking forward.
On that day in cold November,
I did my best to remember
That even though you had passed
my memories of you would last.
I did my best to remember
That even though you had passed
my memories of you would last.
- - Dedicated to Adam Haylay. Born December 17th, 1991. Died November 16th, 2009. "When there is No Hope, No Faith, Always Remember 'Je Ne Mourrai Pas'" - -
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