Young Writers Society

i wrote this for every body that was forced to be taken from his world and imprisoned in another, for every body that knows the feeling of trying so hard to fit in.. please don't forget the comments

------------sherine ahmed---------

walking behind others, an incomprehensible figure a ghost.
no voice, no soul
just a shadow following slowly, watching, observing how humans act.
you look hard, concentrated, shy, sweet, unseen.
safe in the shadows, safe in the dark.
somebody speaks to you, your shocked you are no longer a ghost. you lower your head and answer in your tortured voice.
your presence is now known.
you freak in silence, you twist, you roll, you blink, you can't believe what you just did.
you remember the words you uttered out, every body becomes silent in complete shock the ghost did speak!
silence tears you from inside, you tremble your brain storms away, "what have i done....what will i do?....."
your heart races so hard, you sense some voices...... your heart pumps so hard inside you.
it blocks you from every thing around you...
suddenly you find yourself in a sea of sweat.... you never even realize your running until you find yourself back in the shadows..leaving every body behind after despairing to your shelter...
too mush too soon...
still a ghost always will be you think.....

Hi there,
First off, this is a creative idea. However, I think it belongs in a poetry forum instead of non-fiction. Your diction provides for imagery that would make it a better candidate for a poem than for fiction; if you wanted to go the latter route, some plot or character development would be good.
There's good potential for this piece, but right now, the grammatical errors are too distracting. Go back and properly capitalize the first letter of every sentence. My other comments are in red.

walking behind others, an incomprehensible figure a ghost.
no voice, no soulPUNCTUATION , or .
just a shadow following slowly, watching, observing how humans act.
you look hard, concentrated, shy, sweet, unseen.
safe in the shadows, safe in the dark.
somebody speaks to you; or . or - you're shocked you are no longer a ghost.(Aren't you still a ghost, though? Maybe "No longer invisible" is a better way to say this.
you lower your head and answer in your tortured voice.
your presence is now known.
you freak in silence, you twist, you roll, you blink, you can't believe what you just did.
you remember the words you uttered out, everybody becomes silent in complete shock (insert line break and punctuation)
the ghost did speak!
Silent tears you from inside; or . or - you tremble your brain storms away, "what have i done....what will i do?....." (too many ellipses in the next few lines. One period will be more effective and classier)
your heart races so hard (I don't like this word choice), you sense some voices...... your heart pumps so hard inside you.
it blocks you from every thing around you...
suddenly you find yourself in a sea of sweat.... you never even realize you're running until you find yourself back in the shadows..leaving everybody behind after despairing(do you mean disappearing?) to your shelter...
too much too soon...
still a ghost always will be you think.... (this line makes no grammatical sense)

I hope you have found my comments productive! Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks!

thnx for the helpful remarks but this was written by my sister ( insists on getting into other people private business).