Young Writers Society

Removed.

Don’t tell your mother what to spend her mother on.

...... I think you need to replace a mother with the word money.

It's early... I'm going to sleep now, I'll try to finish reading and fixing up bits if Snoink doesn't beat me to it.

Lovin' it so far.

Not sure why no one has really commented on this yet; guess it's just too long for casual internet reading.

But it may have to do something with the content too; it's just not an easy story to read. The tone is heavy and the story depressing. It's a completely heart-rending tale that I found difficult to read from beginning to end. I mean, who wants to read something that'll depress them? One usually reads for entertainment.

Two things though:

- You might want to explain that Leigh is a guy earlier on. Leigh is the girl's way of spelling Lee, which itself is a rather gender ambigious name.

- RATE THE STORY! Why you didn't give this story a content rating beforehand is completely beyond me. To be honest, it is a lapse of judgement on your part. This is a site for young writers and the ending definitely makes this worthy of an "R" rating.


On the whole, a very good story. I wished you left the ending more to the imagination; scenes like that are always best when done in an implied rather than straightforward manner.

Hey Brian,

Long time no see. Good to hear from you again. I suspect most people aren't commenting on this because most aren't reading it because, as you said, it's "difficult" or something. I don't think of it in that light; I think of it as my own experience being put to paper, but it makes sense, now that I've read it.

Your two comments:

(1) Gender ambiguity is sort of important, given the story.

(2) I really do apologize for not rating this. I don't know why, but it didn't even cross my mind as rate-able whenever I posted it. I'll do that immediately.

I've been waiting for another comment or two on C8 before posting some more of the story, so I guess I have no excuse, now. =]

All the best,
Brad

Incandescence wrote:Hey Brian,

Long time no see. Good to hear from you again. I suspect most people aren't commenting on this because most aren't reading it because, as you said, it's "difficult" or something. I don't think of it in that light; I think of it as my own experience being put to paper, but it makes sense, now that I've read it.

Your two comments:

(1) Gender ambiguity is sort of important, given the story.

(2) I really do apologize for not rating this. I don't know why, but it didn't even cross my mind as rate-able whenever I posted it. I'll do that immediately.

I've been waiting for another comment or two on C8 before posting some more of the story, so I guess I have no excuse, now. =]

All the best,
Brad

Thanks for rating it! Also thanks for the explanation on point number one. I still think some more descriptors would be helpful for the reader, but I do see what you mean about it being important to the story. In any case, I really do think there needs to be system such that stories like this get more attention. It's hard to reach 100% here, and so if you're piece would only interest 5%, it's really hard to reach that 5%.

All right, Incan, I finished reading the rest of the chapters. This last one seemed a bit long. I'm liking the way the story is progressing, except I feel like it should be progressing faster. There is little actual action and you keep adding new characters. This may be good for character development, but not so much for plot development. I suppose you might have something big, something huge that might happen within the next few chapters. If not, might I suggest you do so.

This is good writing, Incan. I am often impressed by the small things. The insights your characters have are original and interesting. I wish you luck with this in the future.

I couldn't help but to ask the most useless question. Why are there so many C?'s? What are the C's?

Vampirewolf, they stand for "Chapter".

Trident--


I commend you for trudging through this. I suppose this can be thought of as a very long character sketch--the plot becomes more apparent after Nightlife. It isn't an easy thing to do, reading this kind of work--it instantly hits the taste buds as something tragic due to characters' conflicting emotional bandwidths, and I'm afraid such literature has little to entice readers who do not already desire such a work. There is too much kinetic energy and no system to hold it down.

Hm.


Best,
Brad

I rather liked it. Well written and great detail without going overboard (I consider Lord of the Rings as an overboard of detail) But then....as has been said before, a sort of a lacking in a plot. Granted that this is the first chapter I've read so I don't actually -know- if ther is a plot but...

Regardless, it was impressively well done, if a touch...I don't know, stale. Like, you had considered this idea so many times from so many different angles that it lost it's life. Not helping I know but...I can't word it any better.