Young Writers Society

Removed.

scaring-looking kids

Chirs grabs my arm

I It was for kids.

“but I have to gome

spelling...

He can’t help it: every evening he’s with Chris part of him keeps hoping against hope that somehow, they’ll end up in bed together.

I feel as if it should be "ever evening he's with Donny...", because wasn't Chris the "he" just earlier?

He allows its heavy beat to inhabit him, as if his heartbeat is no more than another kind of drumming.

Heartbeats and drumbeats. Over used.

He must be thrilled, terrified, thrilled

I didn't like this. It had no effect and it sounded annoying to the ear.

Otherwise, this was an interesting ride for me. I felt their panic, I felt that empty, lonely feeling at the end. And Donny had an outburst, didn't he? This entire chapter was full of empathy on my part. I'm glad you told it from Janet's point of view.

Thanks for catching those spelling glitches. When I have an idea, grammar and spelling go out the window. =]

As for the "thrilled, terrified, thrilled" bit -- I understand the lackluster effect it has, but I'm kind of partial to it, since that kind of wavering is something I like.

I'm glad I told this from Janet's POV too, it made the insights that much easier and that much more, well, insightful.