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Caste- Chapter 1



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 9:50 pm
PersephoneMary says...



Chapter 1- The Beach: Iris

“Yes. No! Not the scarves, they’re simply ghastly! Yes use the bangles, no the gold ones. The… the gold ones you idiot, can you understand English anymore!” My mother yelled down the phone to her colleague, waving me away with her hand. She put one hand over the phone.
“Iris, go and get dressed. We have to be out in less than an hour.”
“You mean, I still have to go? I’m just back from hospital. I’m tired, can I not just stay and rest?”
“No you certainly may not! This is your coming out party! Your dress is on your bed, now go and get ready.” She went back to her colleague. “Yes Harold, yes the blue skirts. Uh huh, yes that’s right. No! Not the white purse, the red one! The red one! Are you completely deaf?!” I went upstairs, slower than I would have liked. I almost lost my footing walking upstairs.
Why me? A coming out party! It was completely ridiculous. A chance for mother and father to parade me like a prize, like a stuffed pig or a goldfish you win at a carnival. Certainly there was no more sense in this than a carnival; at least they can be fun, but not this. Not to mention the fact that I only barely have enough strength to stand up for 20 seconds at a time without feeling light headed. I was just out of hospital! A few hours ago I had doctors and nurses rushing about trying to find the right medication to keep me alive. My skin was paler than it ever was, and my hair felt sticky and messy. Sure, this was a great time to hold a party!
I took off my jeans and t-shirt, deciding I definitely needed a shower. It had to be quick though; standing up for long periods of time was not exactly wise. I washed my hair along with the last traces of blood from my neck. As long as I didn’t start bleeding again I should be alright. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me. I felt so much fresher, but still tired.
I sat down on the bed and dried my hair. I brushed it out, untangling it, and pulled the front parts of my hair around to the back of my head, clipping it into place with a diamond encrusted silver clip. I slipped into the white silk sleeveless dress that my mum had laid out for me. I zipped it up at the back and straightened the hem. I put on my ivy-shaped diamond necklace and slid my feet into a pair of white ballet pumps. Mum would “suggest” I wear heels to the party, but I wasn’t going to the party, nor would I be comfortable in heels. Heels were a male invention designed to make it harder for women to run away, so I heard in a film.
So yes, I wasn’t going to the party just yet. Mum would kill me if she caught me, but I needed to get out of the house, desperately. I snuck out the back way and walked out through the thicket of the orchard out back. Mum probably wouldn’t notice I was gone, as long as I was back on time. I heard twigs cracking behind me and stopped. I turned around. There was no one, just trees. Then I saw I rabbit disappear down a hole. Rabbits. They made me paranoid. Always when I came out through this orchard I felt as if someone was following me. Turns out, the place is infested with rabbits.
The thicket of the orchard began to clear, and the grassy earth beneath my feet turned to dry sand. The sound of twigs turned the sound of the tide gently stroking the edge of the beach. There was a gentle breeze billowing through my hair. The back of my neck stung, so I sat down, hoping to catch less breeze. The sand was warmer than I expected. Considering it wasn’t especially warm at this point in the year. March in Salem was normally rainy and dull, with no scorching heat, or even a mild breeze. I lay back in the sand. Mum would kill me for getting sand on my dress, but I didn’t care. If it meant I couldn’t go that stupid party, great. I made a sand angel on the shore, my feet just barely skimming the waters edge. I took off my shoes and squiggled my toes into the sand.
This was my special place. This lake, it was always safe. It was always here to welcome me when I was bored. This beach was my place, and no one else’s. When mum was away, or getting me annoyed, or drinking like a fish, I would come here. When my dad was in a mood, or having a meeting with those “officials” as he calls them, or being horrible in general, I would come here. This was my place. No one else came here.
I never really understood why people hated the Tans so much anyway. They were just people. Sure they didn’t have as much money as us, that didn’t mean that we should be trying to set laws to make them poorer, or for that matter making their situation more difficult by excluding them from society. If anything we should be trying to help them. But it seemed it was my opinion against the worlds on that take. I just wish that there were some kind of agreement between the Tans and the Ashens. I barely even understood why we called each other that anyway, considering they didn’t apply. Dad said it was to do with way things used to be, before society became diverse.
But I just didn’t understand why we couldn’t just leave them alone. Why did we have to look down our noses at them and make it harder for them to earn more money? According to Daddy it’s because they are a bunch of reckless criminals, closer to animals than humans, but I don’t believe that. Sure, some of them are criminals, but its only a few, not every tan is in the Deliverance Corps. Daddy was just as bad, if I’m being honest. I know enough to realise that he is just as bad as them. He was the one who made it legal for them to be hung, if found guilty of terrorism. Terrorism! They were trying to make us see that we are treating them badly; they just want some freedom, that’s all. There’s another thing mum would kill me for, thinking about political matters.
Another twig cracked behind me in the orchard. Those bloody rabbits! They made me jumpy. I should have to ask Laurence to check it out tomorrow when he’s collecting the apples, like he does every Sunday.
“Miss Hendricks.” A deep male voice called from behind me. I turned around slowly. I couldn’t see his face, it was getting dark.
“Yes that’s me, who is that?”
“GET HER!” He whispered in a yell. Before I could think I had two, no, three men with their arms reaching out to me, grabbing my hair, yanking my arm, dragging me off the beach.
“Help!” I called, but one of them put a hand over my mouth. I kicked my legs out, but it was no use. They dragged me back by my hair, my feet slid over rocks, I was bleeding, and I knew it. I was getting dizzy. Oh no! Fine, let them take me, but don’t make me bleed! Not again… my head spun, the world turned upside down and I could feel my muscles contracting and retracting at the knowledge that a pinprick, never mind a gash in my foot, could kill me. It was a matter of seconds, not minutes, before I drew a deep breath and my world went black.
Mary x
  





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Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:45 am
Demeter says...



Hi Persephone! I'm Demeter. ;)


“Yes. No! Not the scarves, they’re simply ghastly!


I think this was a nice way of beginning this story - it pulled me in the middle of action immediately.


A few hours ago I had doctors and nurses rushing about trying to find the right medication to keep me alive.


It seems rather unrealistic that she would already be home if a few hours ago she was on the border of life and death.

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me. I felt so much fresher, but still tired.
I sat down on the bed and dried my hair. I brushed it out, untangling it, and pulled the front parts of my hair around to the back of my head, clipping it into place with a diamond encrusted silver clip. I slipped into the white silk sleeveless dress that my mum had laid out for me. I zipped it up at the back and straightened the hem. I put on my ivy-shaped diamond necklace and slid my feet into a pair of white ballet pumps.


Notice that you start every sentence with "I". This creates a choppy and stagnant atmosphere, so you should try mixing it up a bit. You can, for example, combine some sentences:

"I slipped into the white silk sleeveless dress that my mum had laid out for me, zipped it up at the back, and straightened the hem."

You can also rephrase some of them:

"After drying my hair, I brushed it out and pulled the front parts..."

In the example above, you get rid of some of the redundancy and details that might not interest the reader that much. You don't have to describe everything in detail, just tell the most important things and express the others through a bit of description, for example.


Rabbits. They made me paranoid. Always when I came out through this orchard I felt as if someone was following me. Turns out, the place is infested with rabbits.


You probably mean "was infested"? About "turns out" I'm not sure - I think you can have both "turns" and "turned" even though the story is in past tense.


“GET HER!” He whispered in a yell.


"Whispered in a yell"? I do understand what you mean by this, at least I think so, but I really don't think this is the best way to say this. Why not just say "yelled"? It doesn't cover the same meaning exactly, but it's slightly better than this, I think.


the Tans, the Deliverance Corps, Laurence


All these things need more explanation in my opinion. I understood that the Tans are some kind of a lower class family, while the girl's family is higher class. Laurence seemed like a servant of sorts, and the Deliverance Corps I have no idea. It's okay not to reveal every detail of everything, as I already said, but these things seem rather important to the story and I, as a reader, weren't satisfied enough with how they were introduced in this. Just add some more background and we should be good.


I was only questioning the hospital thing a little -- first of all, the fact the girl was even home already, and secondly the fact she said she wasn't able to stand up more than 20 seconds at a time, yet she goes on a stroll through a thicket and a sandy beach? You had one little bit where she had to sit down for a while, but apart from that, there was nothing to suggest she wasn't as healthy as the next person. So I think you should may more attention to that.

All in all, this was quite an interesting first chapter! You also ended it well, making the reader want to know what happened next.

I hope this helped!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:58 pm
Gingerhead says...



Greetings, persephone (I'm digging your name by the way- Hades' wife in Greek mythology :) )

I just want to say......WELL DONE. I know I'm new here and everything, but I think your story was one of the better ones that actually caught my attention today!
CUDOS! - or however you want to spell that pesky foreign word that means CONGRATZ!
Down once more into the dungeons of my black despair. Down we plunge into the prisons of my mind.....- Phantom of the opera
  








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