Young Writers Society

Campus was clearing out for the holidays. However, a few stragglers remained and could be seen braving the freezing temperatures, running last minute errands for professors that evidently did not have any willingness to comply with the university’s schedules.
Rose stuffed her frigid hands into the pocket of her cream, puff coat, stomping her dark boots across the courtyard. The bitter wind whipped her raven hair back, and she slowed down to tie her on her Eskimo hood. Her brief pause allowed just enough time for her to be spotted by Charlie from her creative writing class.
She waved to him as he neared, his langly form contrasting sharply with her petite structure.
“Hey Rose,” he replied, “I was just about to leave. Do you think you can hand this in for me?” He gently waved a manila folder in the air, which contained his manuscript, which would count as the final grade for the class.
“Of course,” Rose outwardly beamed at him, re-adjusting a grey back-pack littered with extra-curricular club pins and stickers. “Have a good winter,” she said politely, holding in her breath.
Rose trudged down the street to Professor Fen’s office located on the third floor of the Everest Hall, slightly perturbed that Charlie, one of the cutest boys she had seen on campus, had not spoken more than a few lines to her all semester, and then had the nerve to ask her to do his dirty work. She felt a sharp aching pang of loneliness, only slightly ameliorated by the manuscript, which she clutched in her frostbitten right hand.
Fen was rather occupied, nose buried deep in his own creative work, when Rose peered anxiously into his office.
“Rose!” he exclaimed, “Come in.”
She explained to Fen that one of the folders belonged to Charlie and Fen merely nodded in acknowledgement.
“Sit!” he urged, smiling.  Rose had a strong feeling she was one of Professor Fen’s favorites, but did not mind the special treatment, not one bit.  Fen was by far Rose’s favorite professor.  He was enigmatic, witty, and really knew his stuff, and besides, she was his star pupil.  He congratulated on her outstanding performance and even encouraged her to submit her work to several literary magazines.  Working with Fen on research this semester had been Rose’s highlight of the semester.  During the research sessions, Fen had let her in on his big secret, the historical fiction novel that he was working on with another colleague, Professor Green, a slimy looking middle-aged man with greased back hair and a moustache which curled ever so slightly.  Rose didn’t particularly care for Professor Green, not the way she admired Fen, anyways. 
“I hope to continue researching with you next semester,” she added merrily, just before closing the door behind her. He only replied with a smile of affirmation.
But she left him in his office on Everest Hall that day and never saw him again.
Rasheed Mohummad Fen was late again. He stumbled into the elevator, embarrassed by the gawking look his older colleagues gave him. Hands shaking, clutching his sixth draft of an touching story about one man’s struggle with autism, and the master-piece the man had just sold to a well-visited museum. It wasn’t ground-breaking news, but it was Rasheed’s opportunity to prove to Mr. Kelly that he was competent.
“Here it is,” he shoved the article towards Macy, the editor-in-chief.
“Sure hope it’s good,” she could not help but smile kindly at the new boy, “You’re two hours past the deadline.” Macy along with practically everybody else in at the Daily Gazette, excluding one bitter sniveling Eric Langhorn- Macy’s ex-boyfriend, had taken a liking to the new recruit, a soft-spoken, good-natured ethnically mixed boy.
Rasheed bantered with Macy for a while and then returned to his cubicle to edit some colleagues’ articles. He stared at the article, wondering if Eric Langhorn had gotten the point across clearly enough in his first paragraph of this pathetic half-assed attempt at a story. Bored, he glanced up at a picture of Moroum, his mother, and her second husband, Mustafa. He had taken the picture two Christmas’s ago and their faces were cheery, and grinned back at him. A more serious picture showed Benjamin Fen, his mother’s first husband, his birth father, with his arms around him during his college graduation. The old professor stood, skin white and withered as stone, grey-speckled hair and all, clad in a tweed suit. He was not unattractive, despite his age, and wore the same intense hazel eyes of his son. The sincere expression on Ben’s face was captured through the lens of the camera.
Later that night, after Moroum had returned from the hospital where she worked as a nurse, and put together a small dinner for herself and her son, she received a message from an unlikely stranger.
“Hello,” Moroum said, suspiciously, to the women who stood in the doorway in a blood-red peacoat.
“Hi, my name is Lisa Sparkwaters. I work at the University of Rutgers in New Jersey. I am sorry to have to break the news.” Her voice was loud and sad as if she was a robot actress, speaking on auto-pilot. “Sorry to inform you, but Benjamin Fen has just been found dead. He committed suicide at 12 am this morning.”
Moroum gasped, horror registering across her tiny face. But Rasheed wanted to know more, and asked to see an ID. Lisa complied, offering evidence which proved that she was a co-worker of Benjamin’s. “I’m not lying, and have no reason to, sir. Just reporting the facts. I’m so sorry for your loss,” Lisa said, the sorrow in her eyes reflecting Moroum’s defeatedness. Long after Lisa had left, Moroum stood in the entrance of her house, sobbing, comforted, only, by her son, Rasheed, who wondered why his birth-father, a seemingly happy man, had so suddenly, and unexpectedly committed suicide in the wee hours of the morning, in those minutes when night conspicuously turns to day.

Hey there! Hawk here for a review.

Okay, you've got an interesting start. You've done a good job of introducing us to a few key characters; I feel like I've got a window into Rose and I already know a bit about her to make me feel like she's a real person. She's not just some character that I'm blankly watching on a screen; she's someone who's got depth and personality and that I'll hopefully come to care about and root for.

The Fens were a little less clear. At first, I thought that Rasheed was the college professor that Rose had met with, and I was confused as to his job and age. I think it would be a lot clearer if you indicated sometime during Rose's meeting that Professor Fen's first name was Benjamin. That would clarify who's who and not lead to confusion on your reader's part.

Another tip I have for the absence of confusion would be to separate each new setting with a row of symbols, like ***** or ~~~~~. For example, between these two sections:

But she left him in his office on Everest Hall that day and never saw him again.

Rasheed Mohummad Fen was late again.

There's really nothing to indicate that you're changing scenes and characters, which throws off your readers. So consider plugging in some kind of separating symbol line to show that.

Your writing style is nice and clear, which makes it fairly smooth to read. There were a few spots where you kind of went on in an unending sentence, which could have benefited from a bit of breaking up. For example, take this sentence:

During the research sessions, Fen had let her in on his big secret, the historical fiction novel that he was working on with another colleague, Professor Green, a slimy looking middle-aged man with greased back hair and a moustache which curled ever so slightly.

That's a lot of information you're giving us right there, and there isn't much breathing room. If you were to read this all with one breath, you probably couldn't get through it without rushing. And that's not the kind of tone you want your reader to have in their head. Slow it down and break it up. Try forming two or three sentences out of that information above. Here's an example of what it would look like if you broke it up:

During the research sessions, Fen had let her in on his big secret: the historical fiction novel that he was working on. He was writing it with Professor Green, another colleague of his. Green was a slimy-looking middle-aged man with greased black hair and a mustache that curled ever so slightly.

See how much easier it is to read? They're more bite-sized chunks which helps facilitate smoother reading.

All right, that's about it I've got to say. Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot regarding anything I said. Keep up the good work!

Cheers!
~Hawk

"as she slowed down to tie her on her Eskimo hood"

I have no idea what you are trying to say here. Was there a typo somewhere?

"But she left him in his office on Everest Hall that day and never saw him again."

Ok so there is a huge plot line gap here. She comes in and her favorite teacher says "sit" and she doesn't sit and just says "I hope to continue researching with you next semester". So you are basically missing out on a huge possible character development here for her professor fen. You could tell the reader why Rose likes him so much, what does the teacher act like, why does the teacher like her so much, how does he pamper her, all these things are key into adding into your story. They aren't very necessary but it makes your story flow better instead of leaving this huge gap here.

Ok so next big problem is you switch between rose leaving Fen's office until something else happens that I'm not really sure about, something about Macy turning in something late and Fen trying Fen being late again and this is so confusing with no clear definite break between Rose leaving Fen's room. To fix this other huge gap you should have Rose walk out and observe this happening.

"Moroum gasped, horror registering across her tiny face. But Rasheed wanted to know more, and asked to see an ID. Lisa complied, offering evidence which proved that she was a co-worker of Benjamin’s. “I’m not lying, and have no reason to, sir. Just reporting the facts. I’m so sorry for your loss,” Lisa said, the sorrow in her eyes reflecting Moroum’s defeatedness. Long after Lisa had left, Moroum stood in the entrance of her house, sobbing, comforted, only, by her son, Rasheed, who wondered why his birth-father, a seemingly happy man, had so suddenly, and unexpectedly committed suicide in the wee hours of the morning, in those minutes when night conspicuously turns to day."

Ok so this is your last paragraph and there is a huge problem here. This is a very emotional paragraph for Moroum. This is where we see Moroum's big reaction and I found your reaction in here seriously um-impressive. In any emotional writing your goal as the writer is to make the reader feel what you or your character is feeling in the story. In this case you want to make the readers heart break for Moroum and not by just having him gasp and then go cry. You need to add more description, how did he feel when he got the news (I think Moroum's a he but I'm not sure... correct me if I'm wrong) what did his heart feel like. How did the shock feel? Did he register it immediately. These are the things you need to answer and add in to make this much more emotional.

This story has a lot of potential in it and can be very good. Please let me know when you post the next chapter! Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello.

Your title caught my attention, because it gives off a vague, fairy-tale like feel. However, I found the plot rather bogged down by the details.

As I was reading, the action kept getting interspersed with details. Lots of details. Some of them were nice to get, like everything about the temperature. However, when you start putting in two or three or five details into a single sentence, readers have a hard time keeping up with all the information and start skimming.

This tends to lead readers to believe the information is unneeded. When you look at a story, start off with the bare minimum for the scene. This includes what feeling you want to create, what relationships you want to show, ect. Then, decide what is the least amount of details required to show that.

This doesn't mean going minimalist for the story itself. This simply means being strategic. If you really want to show how cold and blustery the environment is, load up details about setting and clothing. I would suggest to make your sentences and paragraphs shorter, so it's not so dense to read through (long paragraphs can be very intimidating), but you can still keep a lot of details.

However, don't let these details overtake the important thing: forward momentum. This means, the plot going forward. I read through the whole first segment, and I got an interesting hook at the end. Then I switched segments (I'd suggest you add in an extra enter, or some sort of mark to make the switch clearer) and... got lost. It feels like there is so much information presented in a short amount of time that you put in way too much.

If you cut back this information, then you'd give readers a chance to absorb everything you're talking about. Don't rush to give us every single little detail within the first chapter; you have a whole book to give us this information. I know it's tempting— I used to heap on details about a character's backstory and situation, too— but hold the urge in and cut back as much as you can. Ruthlessly ask yourself, "is this information critical for readers to understand what's going on at this exact minute?" If the answer is "no", then cut the details.

Again, this doesn't mean cutting everything, like what kind of coat she's wearing or the state of a desk. This means restraining yourself to passing mentions of things that can be saved for later, in order to have your plot progress at a decent pace. Right now, I'm getting overwhelmed with the details on the Fens, which makes me skim that section. I want to know what's going on with them, and what happens next, but the long paragraphs, long sentences, and huge volumes of detail make it really hard for me to get through this.

Overall, trim back the amount of information you give everywhere. Consider putting the present plot in focus, instead of keeping all our attention on the backstory. Readers are more interested in the now than in the past. If there's too much of the past, we start asking ourselves why the story didn't start there.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey