Young Writers Society

I’ve been alone all my life with just me and my family. Yea I was your somewhat average teen, but I never had a girlfriend for Christmas I never had one for years on end. No one to light my way when I was weak, I never had another person to make my holiday’s special, to guide me though darkness when there seemed no hope left. No sweet lips to kiss and bring me to my feet once more, no head to have rested on my chest. I shead my tears in silence with no one else to hear my desperate plea for help.

But it acted as a sword for me, I was never held back by emotional bonds. I fought my battles without worry of losing someone I loved. I gave my enemies no advantage over me, nothing to make me give an inch nothing to ward me off when I sought vengeance. I would fight without relent without having worry of the consequences. What becomes my desperate plea becomes my greatest calling.

It became what is my weakness is also my strength, it became my last resort strength when I finally face my enemies, but also gave my enemies a chance to strike and I may loss because of it. To show no emotion in public and have no weakness? Or to show it and have a girlfriend?

These questions rattled my mind though out the year’s. I still wonder to this day what would be the better opinion. Oh how I would want to have such beauties, but I still wonder would it be worth having?

Hey MasterLHeart,

This was a really good, strong written piece.
A few mistakes though:

Yeah I was your somewhat average teen, but I never had a girlfriend for Christmas and I never had one for years on end.

to guide me through darkness when there seemed no hope left.

I shed my tears in silence with no one else to hear my desperate plea for help.

Desperate plea for help? Little melodramtic, but that's cool.

Other than that, it's pretty good.

Well Done!

NightWriter x

Hi there MasterLHeart! 'Tis Lavvie.

I don't think I'm going to go too literary-review here and that's because I'm unsure if this is actually from you on a personal basis. I don't want to edit out your thoughts or opinions so much because that's not right. Anyway, let's see how this goes since it's so short and seemingly personal, almost private.

Already, I'm contradicting what I wrote previously about not editing thoughts. That line about 'a somewhat average teenager' annoys me a bit since it states that you're average, but not quite, that there is something different about you/this teenager. What is different about them? Usually, a phrase like such would insinuate that the little bit different would be something along the lines of some special power or ability. Instead, I, as the reader, am only supplied with something about girlfriends around Christmas that barely speaks true about average teenager. A lot of teenagers don't actually have relationships with anyone - and even then, it doesn't matter much. It's mostly experimentation with the opposite gender and thus the couple hold hardly substantial romantic feelings between themselves.

In short, I am trying to explain that not having a significant other during the holiday season is definitely not unusual about being a teenager. And so your point is redundant and therefore contradicts the entirety of your little short story. Nevertheless, I'll continue as if I haven't pointed that out.

But it acted as a sword for me, I was never held back by emotional bonds.

This is a prime example of the many comma splices you commit throughout this short story. If you want to keep it simple, that comma in the center can be replaced by only a semi-colon (;). Here is a YWS article about comma splices for your personal reference and knowledge to fix the other comma splices throughout here.

and I may loss because of it

...what do you mean? First of all, you have a sudden switch between past tense to present tense. This doesn't do so fix it. Secondly, this fragment I've quoted just doesn't make sense.

These questions rattled my mind though out the year’s.

This should be 'years' without an apostrophe. It's the usual possessive form versus the plural form.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie

Lavvie, read the description line next time I had a serious faceplam just now.