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Recruited: Chapter Four



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Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:51 am
TheClosetKidnapper says...



Spoiler! :
This is told from Jason's point of view, obviously, taking place after he was taken to the medics. I know it's a little short but I believe that it shows what goes on well. I like this one but not as much as the first so any help would be appreciated. Thanks!


Jason:

I awoke from a trance-like slumber and was forced to slip on another shirt. Looking down, I noticed I barely even had a scar where I’d been hit. A strange man with glassy eyes walked in and sent chills down my spine. I took a few steps back and ended up falling, flashes of images colliding with my mind. I saw what happened over again. Alex freezes and jabs his arms out on either side, tensing. A surge passes through him and everything around us blows up in flames. He doesn’t move for at least ten minutes. I fall to the ground with him after that. He wouldn’t wake up. I count the minutes he’s motionless before it sinks in. My hand flies to his neck and desperately finds slight throbbing. Swallowing, I relax. Then I see his side. He’s bleeding but his blood isn’t red…it’s gold. I call his name and his eyes roll open, distantly staring straight up. We exchange words and I go to apply pressure on the blood that is now scarlet. A jolt is sent through me and daggers are forced into my side.
I blinked a few times and came back to reality to find him closer.
“Stay away from me!” I scrambled backwards and grabbed a chair, holding it in front of me like a shield.
“I’m not gonna hurt you.” He retreated.
“Alex!” I screamed.
Some of the soldiers outside mocked me.
“Alex!”
My brother bolted in and in between the man and I, tugging the chair from me and setting it upright. He wasn’t in his uniform…
“What are you hollering for?” He asked.
“He…um…he – “
I gave up on words and brought a hand to my eyes while the other pointed at the man.
“Relax, he’s alright.” Alex told me, gripping my forearm and forcing me to sit.
“B-but – “
He made me put my arms down and looked back at the man.
“I said you didn’t have to come to him.” He said. “I said you’d freak him out.”
“I came to check his healing process.” The man said. “I overheard some of the medics talking about how quickly he’s recuperating.”
My hand subconsciously rose to guard my side from view when Alex turned back to me.
“Stop that,” He placed my hand back on my knee.
Just to be stubborn, I set my hand on the scar again. His eyes narrowed at me for a second before turning back to the man.
“Jason, this is Callaway.” He introduced. “He knows about…before. He’s gonna take us somewhere so we can understand it.”
“But I – “
He sent me a look saying “shush or else” and my mouth snapped shut. My eyes darted back to Callaway and studied him, avoiding his gaze.
“Once the medics give the okay, we’re leaving.” He reported.
Alex nodded and he turned away to leave. We both watched him until he was out of sight before looking at each other.
“The war…” I trailed off, not finding words still.
He sighed and sat next to me in the chair he’d ripped from my hands. Lifting my hand a little, he looked at the scar.
“Can I ask you something?” He questioned in a low voice.
I didn’t respond, hoping he’d answer me first. Of course, he didn’t.
“Did you…did you see what I did?” He asked, looking at his hands.
“I don’t know how, but yeah.” I replied.
“I just… I don’t know. I guess I – “
“You don’t have to justify it.”
He glanced up at me.
“I killed them all.” He whispered, making me notice just how pale he was. “Not just the Nazis. Our troops, our own soldiers…”
“You didn’t mean to, Alex.” I said.
Even I was shocked by how weak that sounded. It came out unbelieving instead of confident. He studied me before looking away. I cleared my throat and said it again.
“I just wanted to protect you.” He said, barely audible.
My heart hung heavy with the guilt of making him think I didn’t believe that he hadn’t meant to throw everything around us in flames, but I didn’t know what to do. A pair of medics came in before I could and had him stand aside as they checked my vitals.
“Everything seems normal.” One said, eyeing me warily.
The other agreed and started checking up on some of the others. Alex handed me a black shirt with a military-issued coat and waited until I’d put it on to walk out with me. He led me back to our tent and grabbed both bags.
“I-I can handle it.” I told him, trying to take it.
He shrugged me off and walked in silence to a jeep with Callaway at the wheel. I swallowed and got in the back with him, wishing I’d said nothing at all.
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, twisted up
Inside

Semiautomatic
twenty one pilots
  





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Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:29 pm
ShootingStars says...



Hi, UpandOut! This is ShootingStars as requested here to review. :D
First of all, I really like your descriptions and the way you put in the flashback when he's talking. Great job!
Pink= corrections
Blue= comments
UpAndOut15 wrote:Jason:

I took a few steps back and ended up falling, flashes of images colliding with my mind. I saw what happened over again Great work of placing the transition to the flashback without making it seem forced[/i]. [i]Alex freezes and jabs his arms out on either side, tensing...

Love the beginning.
UpAndOut15 wrote:


“What are you hollering for?” He asked. I don't think that "He" should be capitalized, even though it's after a question mark.
“He…um…he – “
I gave up on words and brought a hand to my eyes while the other pointed at the man.
“Relax, he’s alright.” Alex told me, gripping my forearm and forcing me to sit.
“B-but – “
He made me put my arms down and looked back at the man.
“I said you didn’t have to come to him.” He said. “I said you’d freak him out.”
“I came to check his healing process.” The man said. “I overheard some of the medics talking about how quickly he’s recuperating.”
My hand subconsciously rose to guard my side from view when Alex turned back to me.
“Stop that,” He placed my hand back on my knee.
Just to be stubborn, I set my hand on the scar again.

When you have a sentence like, '"Relax, he's alright,' Alex told me" you need to have a comma before the quotation marks if afterward it says that someone spoke. I noticed you put a period there, instead.
Other than that, I found very few to none mistakes! Pat yourself on the back for that. I could really feel and picture whT was happening here.
Overall it was a good piece and I enjoyed reading it. It didn't have too much action but wasn't boring either. This chapter was very interesting!
Great job and keep writing!
---Shooting Stars
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  








The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous