The night was cold, but the air was warm. The dark sky was filled to capacity with stars. The moon was shinning brighter than I have ever seen it. Joy kicked the soccer ball to me, it flew passed me and I ran to get it. As I turned to kick it back to her, three shadows surrounded her. Joy’s face went blank. She yelled to me, “Run Claire, run inside!” She tried to get away but the men grabbed her arms. One of the men pulled a gun from his pocket. “Claire, shut the door,” she screamed! As I closed the door I heard a gun shot. “No!” I cried, “no.” I didn’t go back outside till I knew they were gone. I walked out the door, they were gone but so was Joy. Not even her body lay there....[pre][/pre]
The suspense is good, but next time, post a bit more.
Besides being very vague, you don't start off very well. The fact that
'The dark sky was filled to capacity with stars. The moon was shinning brighter than I have ever seen it. ' could be combined sticks out like a sore thumb...
When you're writing something that's so short, people are going to notice everything, so be careful.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
Gender:
Points: 890
Reviews: 36