Young Writers Society

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Hey, I like the plot! but it sounds a little to much like a romantic comedy movie I watched once. It fairly old came out at least six years ago. Basically the plot is almost the same but your characters are obviously a lot better.
I don't remember what it was called but it was about theses three girls who enlisted the help of a new student to break the heart of the school player. Ohh, actually it was called 'John Tucker Must Die'. It was not the most serious of films and I have a feeling your plot is going to be a lot more complex and quite a bit better.

I really like the character you have created, he seems likeable but still retains that self loving player vibe which is great. I can actually Imagine a boy like this!
Your dialogue is also very good and as far as I can tell the grammar is good too.

I question the virgin thing though. Being a little feminist I think the virginal, innocent thing is overrated, chauvinistic and anarchic, even being a virgin myself.You could make it into a guy who breaks hearts, don't accentuate the virginity thing. A girl without her virginity is not a 'spoiled' and ruined. This is just my opinion though, sorry if I misunderstand your plot.
If you want to stay with the whole virgin thing, make sure your female lead is strong and sassy . Not just a pretty face and a nice academic scorer, a little more than a 'miss perfect'.

Be keeping my eye on this! Putting it on my reading list.

Hello there! I write my corrections in bold

1
Rhys


“Shh, it’s okay, baby,” I cooed as I petted her hair. The girl in front of me was practically trembling in her uniform. I could see her glossed lips beginning to quiver as her waxed brown brows crumbled together. It wasn’t always easy letting girls down, sometimes they flipped out, sometimes they cried, sometimes they swore vengeance, you get the picture, right? This is just a suggestion. How about: sometimes they swore vengeance. You get the picture, right?

“But…but…you said…what we had was special. You said I was your one and only true star,” the girl—Selene Argon—mumbled as tears sprouted in her eyes. Oh great.

In all of my four years at Lexington Prep I never once stopped using that line. It was such a money maker.

I took a step back and rubbed the back of my neck, was it really my fault they all fell for the same lies?

“I tend to say that a lot, I can’t help it.”

Selene gasped, raising her hands to cover her mouth.

Here was when reality sunk in and they all realized I was exactly as bad as my reputation let on. Usually this was where the flipping out or the crying occurred.

I looked around the hall; no one was paying us any attention. At least Selene could avoid the humiliation.

I looked back to her, to my surprise she reached out and slapped me across the face, “I hate you Rhys Sanders! I hate you!” she shoved me against my locker and stormed off as she began crying. I regained my composure as I watched her disappear around the corner. Oddly, I didn’t think Selene had it in her; she was by far one of the most modest girls I’d ever encountered. I never saw her as the violent type before. Strange how bad news changed people. ( Another suggestion. You can go both ways: Strange how bad news changes people)

I turned around and caught my best friend, Sawyer Hailey, staring my way shaking his head.

I grinned my famous crooked grin and gestured with my head for him to walk with me.

He came over and followed in stride as I headed into the boys’ restroom.

“Enjoy the show?” I smiled as I headed over to the sink. I looked in the mirror and fixed my tie. I looked up and grinned at the beautiful reflection in front of me. Conceited much? No, just very observant. how about: "I grinned at the beautiful reflection..." other than "I looked up and grinned".

“Not really, looked like a repeat to me,” Sawyer shrugged, leaning against the hand dryer. “Honestly, I don’t see why you keep doing this. Aren’t you bored yet?”

Sawyer and I were two very different people. He enjoyed playing by the rules whereas I enjoyed breaking them. He wore the halo while I proudly bore my horns.

“No Sawy, I’m not bored. I haven’t even reached my peak yet.”

Sawyer shook his head, “I don’t get it, what’s in it for you?”

I turned from my reflection and faced my best friend, “Two things, the look and the power.”

“Look? Power?”

I sighed, preparing to explain my logic to him, “They’re all different, the girls, The girls are all different but when I manage to get them into bed they’re all the same. They all give me the look, the look of realization, them realizing they’re no longer virgins and that they’ve given their innocence to me, that I now hold what was once theirs in the palms of my hands. That look gives me power, Sawyer. The very essence of succeeding gives me power.”

Sawyer stared at me for a long time before suddenly clapping his hands, “Bravo Rhys, brilliant.”

I rolled my eyes, “You asked.”

“You’ll learn one day,” Sawyer said as we left the restroom.

We started heading to our next class. We both were seniors at Lexington Prep and we both happened to be at the top of our class academically and the top athletes. Those two things drove the girls to us, that and our good looks and wealth. Girls loved money and trouble and that they found when they were with me.

Sawyer was the one who needed to learn. I was just giving the girls what they wanted. What was wrong with that?

Overall, it was a really good plot and story. It's typical, but untypical, if you catch my drift. I can't wait to hear more!

Kirah

This seems decent and deserves a decent review. I will do my best.

Grandison wrote:1
Rhys


“Shh, it’s okay, baby,” I cooed as I petted her hair. The girl in front of me was practically trembling in her uniform. I could see her glossed lips beginning to quiver as her waxed brown brows crumbled together.

This is a little awkward. Lines like 'I could see' ring a little better and puts us inside the narrators head when you phrase it like ' I watched as her glossed lips began to quiver.' Change 'as' to 'and.' Waxed makes it seem like her brows are waxy, or have wax on them, change this to manicured, or better yet describe how thin and neat they are. Do they 'crumble together?' I mean how do eyebrows crumble together or do they 'almost converge over nose?'

It wasn’t always easy letting girls down,. Sometimes they flipped out and sometimes they cried; sometimes they swore vengeanceto get me back. You get the picture, right?

The reason I changed this is because it read like a financial ledger, very awkward. You need to break lists up if you can, otherwise they are become a little dry.

“But…but…you said…what we had was special. You said I was your one and only true star,” the girl—Selene Argon— Selene mumbled as tears sprouted in her eyes. Oh great.

You don't need to be so wordy about this. You can just use her name, it is a female name and at this stage there are only two characters, a male and a female, so we can assume it's 'the girl' talking.

I took a step back and rubbed the back of my neck, was it really my fault they all fell for the same lies?

This line is great.

“I tend to say that a lot, I can’t help it.”

Selene gasped, raising her hands to cover her mouth.

With this reaction there better be an axe-weilding murderer behind the man. I mean gasped really? maybe, at most, she sobbed. She is being dumped, not finding out she has cancer.

Here was when reality sunk in and they all realized I was exactly as bad as my reputation let on. Usually this was where the flipping out or the crying occurred.

Make it clear he knows the phases a little more eloquently.
eg,

"I knew the motions well, and in a few moments, when it all had sunken in, she would probably be bawling, and wildly throwing her hands at me."

I looked back to her, to my surprise she reached out and slapped me across the face,

Wait, what? to my surprise she reached outreally? this sentence takes much longer to read than it does to get slapped - if that makes sense. I mean action can always be phrased a little better.

" My cheek burnt as her hand connected." that's enough.

“I hate you Rhys Sanders! I hate you!” she shoved me against my locker and stormed off as she began crying. a sobbing mess. I regained my composure as I watched her disappear around the corner. Oddly, I didn’t think Selene had it in her; she was by far one of the most modest girls I’d ever encountered. I never saw her as the violent type before. Strange how bad news changed people.

the end of this paragraph for me is the highlight of the piece.

I grinned my famous crooked grin and gestured with my head for him to walk with me.

How? I mean how did he gesture and how did he know his famous crooked grin? it seems strange for someone to talk about themselves like this, no major though.

We started heading to our next class. We both were seniors at Lexington Prep and we both happened to be at the top of our class academically and the top athletes. Those two things drove the girls to us, that and our good looks and wealth. Girls loved money and trouble and that they found when they were with me.

You tell us everything here. This is all information that can come in a much more edible form. Instead, you decide after an otherwise decent shot at showing us everything you force all this information down our throat. Talk about how they had competed for starting quarter back, top of maths, top of english etc. Talk about how they girls eyed your MC when he arrived in a Mercedes or how they all watched him at the lake race around in his 30ft sports boat. All this information you decide at his goes begging "Please, I can provide so much depth, I am all important information that needs to be narrated in an interesting way! Don't do this to me Grandison, Grandison!"

Sawyer was the one who needed to learn. I was just giving the girls what they wanted. What was wrong with that?

Not a bad closing line.

All in all this is a fantastic premise. No all that original but is enticing enough to keep the readers interest and sets it up nicely for a great story.

Intro 4/5 - Decent intro. Jumps straight into the action and hooked me. No real complaints here, not quite perfect though.

Plot 3/5 - Not much really in the way of plot just yet. I mean we know some poor girl has just had her heart broken and we know our MC is a womaniser but other than that there really isn't a great deal of plot.

Characters 4/5 - perhaps the strongest part of this piece is the characters. The MC and his best friend clearly have different thoughts about woman. A neat conflict her has been set up and already lightly stressed. I would perhaps provide a bit more depth as far as appearance go but this can come later, its not worth forcing it just yet.

Dialogue 3/5 - Dialogue is generally realistic. Once or twice it fell a little awkwardly. Speech tags aren't great. I don't know how you can improve this cause there really isn't enough dialogue just yet for me to seriously root out the issue. It's fine as is, but it wasn't remarkable by any stretch.

Narration 2/5 - As far as revealing the character of the MC it is good. But too often you use the passive voice, and tell rather than show. You need to really focus on painting a bit more of a picture, set the scene. This is the biggest draw back by far and if you can sort this out the piece will be much more readable.

Hope all of this helps if you have any question feel free to PM me.

Ok, I recently made some changes to the second to last paragraph by adding some examples of their deeds. I hope it isn't all a mouth full. Let me know if it still needs polishing

Grandison

I changed the title to Resisting Rhys and now would like more feedback, the entire story has been posted online on two other sites, I would like some feedback on it here now that I've changed some things