Young Writers Society

PART 1:

"I'll be home late so why don't you eat a sandwich" the voice on the other side of the phone comes in blurry. Cradling the phone against my shoulder i answer "Sure thing mom." Staying home alone at night is no different from what i've been doing for the last 7 years. The first couple of months i was scared but i soon realized that when i was alone i could do whatever i wanted. "Love you sweety, i'll try to get off soon” sure you will, cynically i place the phone back in it's holder. 'She never tries to get off early, why would she start now?' Glancing around the room, my eyes rest on my computer. 'Might as well get online. Then i’ll watch some T.V.’

'You have no messages'........The green words seem to scream, jumping off the screen and settling in my mind. I can't even remember the last time i had a message that wasn't spam. Quickly i sign into my xanga account. A splash of color greets my eyes. I haven't been on here in ages, i left after my mom saw it. The colors are so bright... what was i thinking. No wonder i didn't get comments my page was frying peoples retinas. They probably left as soon as possible. Pulling my feet onto the chair, i brush my hair out of my face. 'I should just change these colors now, not that anyone will ever see it.' Browsing through the colors i settle on a washed out blue color for the background. Then i change the letters to a dusty grey.

A box pops up asking if i want to add a blogring. 'What is a blogring?' Curious i click "yes” Almost instantly a separate window opens up.

'Please type the topic of your blogring.'

Pulling my chair closer to the computer, i type "Fitness". Another list comes up, the dark letters on the glowing screen invite my fingers back to the keyboard. Scrolling down the list, I read titles such as “-PRO ANA-“, “###ANA SUPPORT###”, and “*Ana Worshipers*”. “What is Ana…?”


PART 2:

After reading through the blogrings i understood what ana was. Short for anerixia, the blogrings were full of weight jounrals. One girl even had thinsopation. These consisited of pictures of models and actresses. Lindsay Lohann was one of the favorites. Every girl said how beautiful she was, so thin, so delicate.
One girl; Anna had recorded her wieght loss for 6 months. She started out at 150 pounds and weighed 120 2 months later. If she oculd loss that much weight why couldn't i? Curious, i entered my first entry.

"Today i stummbled across a blogring that supports and encourages ana. If ana is supported it can't be wrong so here is my first record. I weigh 120 pounds, am 5'4 inches tall and i want to loss ten pounds."

Quickly i signed off, what would my mom say? What did i just do? No one will answer this site eithor so i have nothing to worry about. I'll just delete it tomarrow.







PART 3:

"You have 5 messages!" the electronic voice of my computer actually sounded happy. I was just surprised. Never had i received 5 messages? From who? Reading the first one aloud my fingers clenching the mouse, i leaned forward.



"Ï read your entry, and i just wanted to say good luck, I have been Ana for 3 years now. It's not wrong; people just say that because they don't want you to weight less than them. Good luck i'll check back.

~ Bailey ~”

"

"Take Cold showers, because then your body is forced to raise your body temperature. Drink only ice cold water, this will help you loss weight. Write how you’re doing!!!

Ash



The other messages were pretty much the same. One even told me how to hide my throw up. She said to keep little jars in my room, and throw up after i'd had a snack. I had always hated throwing up so it was hard to force myself. After trying to stick my finger down my throat i punched my stomach in frustration. A river of color burst out of my mouth. Streaming down my chin, the vomit ran into the sink, sticking to the sides.



Hearing the front door being unlocked, I quickly turn the on cold water. As it rushes out I quickly splash the sides of the sink. The evidence of what I’d just done runs down the drain. My mothers voice shattered the silence.

“Brittney, I bought Chinese on my way home. Do you want sesame chicken or sweet chicken?”



"Ummm, neither mom, i'm not really hungry i had a big snack.." letting my voice trail off i pat my wet face dry.

OK I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS AND FRIGGIN MISS IT. SO PLEASE HELP ME!

hey---I love Relienk K too, been a fan since I was eleven. Saw them in concert last summer, in fact...

Anyway---This is NOT bad, but the spelling is AWFUL, so I'm sure you'll get crap for that. this would be much better if you worked out the spelling, and your character is somewhat generic, so that's not good. You want to work to make her stand out, to make her more believable. If you want to keep writing, do it. But try to focus on Brittney's life OUTSIDE the home-her going to school, what she wears, the addiction to anorexia and so on.

overall this is good. Just work on your spelling

*~Misty Lynn

Whoa... You've picked a tough subject here. Good luck.

I read through it and there were only three things that really stood out to me.

1) Spelling.

There's a spell check here on the site that you can use. Just click the button at the bottom of the screen before you post and it works about the same way spell check works in Word.

2) Dialogue format.

Dialogue, as a rule, begins a new paragraph and generally runs something like: "I went to the store," Jane said. (note the comma before the closing quotes. You were missing it a lot in your writing). If you want to structure the sentence differently, it becomes: She answered, "I hate chicken." (once again, note the comma.)

3) Why?

My biggest question after reading this is quite simply, "Why?" You don't give any set up to say that Brittney has any self-esteem issues or believes she is over weight. And at 120 pounds and 5'4", I can't imagine anyone in their right mind telling her that she is. So where did this sudden urge to try anorexia come from?

From what you wrote, it sounds like she was just looking for attention, which could be a plausible cause, but you have her decide to do it BEFORE she even thinks that it might get her more messages. Is there anyway you can set that up a little more believably?

Besides that, nothing really stood out to me, but I'll come back tomorrow when I have more time and when I'm not quite so tired (it's 11:50 pm where I am).