Young Writers Society

Chapter 1.

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley. It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death. Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces. Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.

A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.


The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.”

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger. His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear. With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight. A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

******
Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upward, he looked around in confusion. Where on earth had that child gone? His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to pinpoint the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly. It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone. Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

Chapter 2.

He stood, silent and still, letting the night wash over him; concealing, caressing him with its velvety darkness. He didn’t like how things were turning out, he’d been robbed of his meal, and what should have been easy quarry had become elusive prey; he didn’t like such surprises- they foreshadowed change, and not in a good way. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night; quickly disabusing him of that notion. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded. It seemed he was not the only one who had noticed the advantage of the crossroads as an ambush site.

He’d been fooled; led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.

What a fool he’d been!!! He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned the rationale; the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long…and now he was paying the price. Even as he accepted his fate, a niggling suspicion wormed its way into his mind…and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph; it was a silence that spoke of hesitation, indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldn’t see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice, “Please confirm if you have visual”

A chorus of, “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips; there was hope yet. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, then sprung himself into the air; revealing his position. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.

Shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Moments passed. Then they rushed out, faces suffused with glee, which quickly turned to dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, and they rushed in; following it blindly.

Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.

**********
The soldiers stumbled about, having rapidly lost both the trail and their sense of direction while regaining a very sensible fear. They had lost the trail to the muck in mere moments, but had carried on, bolstered by a wave of confidence that had since melted into a bundle of nerves and confusion.

The night cold descended with a vengeance, and soon they were shivering; afraid. Cold. No longer the strong, confident soldiers; reduced to wretched, unwitting prey. The heavens opened and pelted them with freezing, rock hard droplets of water; droplets that formed a seemingly impenetrable curtain of water around them. Like a herd, they inched towards each other, standing in a little group, unconsciously taking comfort from each others presence. Their assault rifles tried to peer through it; little torches roaming aimlessly; futilely.

A shadow, dimly seen by squinting eyes, flitted by.
Icy fear crept up they’re backs, chilling them, whispering insidious things into doubting minds.

The seconds crept by, the fear intensified…and they waited. Shaking hands gripped slippery weapons, heads shook water out of their eyes, bodies tried to stop from fleeing into the night.

Then the moment passed.

Shoulders slumped, grips loosened, and shaky laughs slipped from chattering mouths. Then a snarling form smashed through the curtain, slamming into the leader of the four and thumping him against the wall which produced a satisfying crack. Spluttering bursts of gunfire, muffled by the downpour, crackled into the night. But it was too late; the senseless form slumped into mud, with a wet splat. The shadow was gone. The remaining three huddled even closer together, the attack had sent a very clear message; your mine for the taking.

A dark chuckle shivered through the night.

Chapter 3.

They were cold, tired, wet and afraid… they were about to die. The youngest was barely 19; he had eagerly joined the organization, when its existence had been revealed to him, swept up in the fairy tale aspect of killing monsters, saving humanity, being a hero…the reality was all too shocking.

He found himself staring at the body of his captain, lying face down in a puddle, and shaking his head. That was not the future he’d envisioned, no, he didn’t want to die. He looked up into the eyes of his lieutenant and friend James,
“Bobby” he said warningly, having seen that look before “Bobby, don’t do anything stupid!”
“I don’t want to die!” he said desperately, his nerve having cracked.

Ignoring his friend’s warning, he turned and ran down the alley, in a crazed attempt to get away— back the way they’d come. An arm shot out, weilding glinting death; from a figure which had stood so still that it had merged with the night. Unable to halt his maddened rush, he could only watch as the blade came closer, gleaming wickedly in the rain. He felt curiously detached, as if he were watching a film rather than his own impending doom. He tried to yell out, but got no further than a short scream that was cut off, abruptly.

There was a barely audible thud. The arm moved not an inch; the body ran, stumbling onwards, for moments only before death caught up with it and it dropped to the floor. The head, staring blankly, balanced precariously on the blade; gushing bright red blood which stood out starkly against the dull, grey rain and gloomy night.

The figure stared at the head curiously then began to lob it up, and catch it again, before lobbing it up once more. It was grinning. Tiring of the game, he let it fall to the ground, where it landed with a wet plop. Turning, it looked to see if the others had noticed anything untoward; perhaps they had, but feared to fire lest they harm their friend.

Soft, stifled sobs, reached his ears.

“You wanted to hunt me, kill me like a common animal.” He roared over the downpour, “I had done nothing to you and yet still you wished me harm, well now you will know pain; you will now what it feels like to be hunted!”

No sooner had he said this than his hackles rose and the hairs on the nape of his neck stirred. He turned and saw, standing behind him, the child.

Ooh very good ! You kept me interested the whole way through. You're fab. at creating suspense . There is just one little thing ...

Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Should that be a capital H ?

Very good though !

Thanks a lot.
Ah, I put that there intentionally, but perhaps I should change it.

Once again, thanks for the comment.

I like the purposeful capital h. The third chapter was good but not quete as great as the first two. I liked the way you ended it. Made me catch my breath. Good job continue.

I liked the description of the 'soldier's' thoughts and stuff. very good, nice picture and descript. I want more. Good ending/hook...Ever Onward Jigsaw.
~Torpid



p.s. One o' Them War Stories is revised and LONG.

Jiggy!

Chapter 3 was great. Nice descriptions. It's easy to form scenes and picture what's going on.

Except, I noticed one thing that is confusing me. Towards the end of Chap 3, the child pops up again. I admit, I forgot about the child and was caught up in the soldiers stalking Shadow. But, if you read through Chapters 1-2, the child just vanishes and in Chapter 3, he/she magically reappears? This to me, makes no sense. It's puzzling. It's like you forgot about the child yourself and focused on the little action sequence.

My only suggestion, since Shadow displays a keen sense of smell and it is far superior than a human, would be to mention on an occasion that he realizes or sense another presence besides the soldiers, thought chapters 1-2, maybe 3. This way, the readers don't forget the importance of the child and he/she just appears out of no where.

Maybe something along the lines of, He sniffed the air. A faint presence was around him; the smell was weak but nonetheless it lurked in the darkness. Something else was nearby, and it wasn't the group of men he was stalking. LOL, don't ask where that came from, but at least you get the idea what I'm referring too.

I enjoy your writing style, Jigsaw. It's original, crisp and clean. Great work!

Chapter 1.

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley.

What is it? Is it the “he” in the story, or the child? And is the child on the roof or is the child walking down the alley? As you can probably see, this sentence is confusing and NEEDS to be reworded. More specifically, it needs to have a jackhammer put upon it. Break up the sentence. What do you want to say? Then, as clear as you can, put your sentence down.

The first sentence is always the one that draws in the reader. From the confusing first sentence, I really didn’t want to continue. It’s confusing! I have no idea who he is, nor where he is. All you’ve described of the main character is smell fear, whatever that smells like. So you need to describe much more in the first sentence. Start by clarifying it.

It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death.

Heady. Oh wonderful.
1.
a. Intoxicating or stupefying: heady liqueur.
b. Tending to upset the mind or the balance of senses: standing on a heady outcrop of rock.
c. Serving to exhilarate: the heady news of triumph.
2.
a. Impetuous and rash: a heady outburst of anger.
b. Domineering; overbearing: too heady to reason with.
3. Swift and violent; headlong: a heady current.
4. Showing intelligence and good judgment; prudent: heady tactics.
5. Suffering from a headache: a heady, throbbing feeling.
Is that really the word you want? Yes, you have used it correctly, so at least that’s okay. But really… it’s too ambiguous. In fact, the whole sentence is ambiguous. Think about it. You use the word promise in the context that smell offers the promise of death. But really… you haven’t described much except that the smell. The smell of fear that promises death. In fact, two sentences in, and the only thing I’m aware of is 1) this guy has an awesome sense of smell, and 2) this guy is being exhilarated because of this smell. Oh, and there’s a kid around.

I know that you’re trying to have suspense, but really! Good suspense is created by good description, and good description is about describing everything so well that the writer remains intrigued of what’s going to happen.

Okay… third sentence.

Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces.

Eh…

First of all, you made a mistake in not telling us the gender of the child. Because you’ve only described to us the smell, we’re not emotionally attached to the child, at all. For all we know, you’re describing a doll. Yes, you said the word child, but still. It might as WELL be a doll. So we have no connection to the child and we really don’t care.

See why you have to describe in the first sentences?

And remember: grammar. It should look something like this:

“Silently shifting position, he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling, as he tore it to pieces.”

Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Upon seeing the word “salivate” it makes me hungry, but instead of visualizing the child, like I should (remember, writing should bring me into the main character’s soul) it makes me yearn for a chimichanga. Next time when you write, if a word seems strong, but doesn’t make you think of the thing you’re supposed to be thinking of, it’s a sign that you need to describe more.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted.

Okay… perhaps I’m the only one who’s wondering this, but why is a child wandering around in the dead of night, alone? If this child is a beggar who has no home, he (or she, seeing that I have no idea what the gender of this child is) would at least hide. Not wander around wherever this kid is running around. And if the kid has no idea what’s going to happen… then why is he alone?

It defies logic. Think of a good reason why this is so and tie it in to your story. And it better be good…

Also, the description is rather… interesting. What you’re doing is holding up the story by the use of adjectives and adverbs. The child’s heartbeat (yes, only one word) frantically. The instinct is indefinable, which, on another note, indefinable is a horrible word to use since it means that it can’t be described and what are you doing? Oh yeah, describing it. And your verbs are very showy, yet you don’t really describe anything. It’s rather frustrating to say in the least.

He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in.

So the genderless child is wandering around because its lost?

Eh…

And you’re not describing anything! What is the child doing? You said that the child was nervous and lost. Fine. And now the child is approaching the crossroads. But then… then what? You didn’t describe the actions. Is the girl playing with her hair? Is the boy walking quickly? Because I don’t know of the details about what’s going on, it makes it hard to imagine in my head. What is going on?

The reason why I keep on stressing the importance of the child is because it offers some contrast. What you’re doing is trying to contrast this beast between a child. This beast is cold and merciless, I’ll give it that. And it’s not particularly human either. It doesn’t care one way or the other.

The child, on the other hand, is the contrast for the beast. Instead of being cold and merciless, the child stands for innocence and purity. A lost lamb, if you will. If you wanted to incorporate symbolism into this story, a good starting place would be describing the child as wearing white. Where you’re going with this is the child will be brutally murdered. Okay, I’m fine with that. But you have to contrast it better, and that means you must describe the child. Why? Because basically you’re saying when the child dies, “All hope is lost; evil has triumphed over good.”

You just need to describe it better.

It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

Ha. I didn’t even read that part and I got what you were trying to say.

Instead of saying it directly, use symbolism. You’ll thank yourself for it.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.

I don’t know if Smaur will cover this or not (we were talking together about this story in YWS chat) but this is an awkward sentence. It’s much too flowery to really fit. This is a born killer, and he’s being described like that?

Plus, avoid descriptions such as iron hard. That’s just too clichéd to come up with a clear image.

Instead of all those words, I would shorten it. Why? Because in action scenes, you want to have it written as clearly as possible, which means you’re going to want to be short.

I would write it as such: “He chucked and tensed, preparing to spring.”

Short, sweet, and to the point.

A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.

Do not use ellipses that way. Instead, fragment the whole thing. Perhaps like this:

“A moment passed. Then another. And then a dark shadow launched into the air.”

Or maybe you should scrap it altogether. After all, is this dark shadow attacking the main character or the child? Or is this shadow the main character? We don’t know. You went for style before clarity, and so the whole thing becomes confusing.

The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down.

Gah! Sentence makeover time!

*cues music*

First of all, this sentence has WAY too many adjectives. What do I mean by that?

Okay, you’re a guy, right? Now imagine the most beautiful naked lady in the world. She’s in a magazine you own. You set the magazine down and get some chocolate. Why? Because chocolate is good. When you get back, you find the magazine all scribbled on. The woman now has a moustache and a dark black shirt over her magnificent bosom.

That’s what too many adjectives do.

They clutter up the sentence and make things which were once beautiful absolutely hideous. A little scribble wouldn’t have hurt much but… gah.

“The shadow hung suspended in the sky for several moments before plummeting down.”

Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace.

No semicolon. In fact, if you delete all the semicolons in here, you’ll be fine. You’re using them incorrectly.

He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child.

Is it really steamy?

He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game.

This would be the place for a semicolon! Except that it would probably be better for a fragment. No matter; what you have is a comma splice error.

“He could have ended it there, but that wouldn’t have been exciting. No, he wanted to play a game.”

Yeah… that would be better. Note that I deleted the word “terribly.” It’s a terribly weak word in that instance.

Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.”

Instead of a colon, I think a period would be better.

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran.

Wait… who ran? You’re confusing who’s doing what again.

He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him.

RELISH! Like in hot dogs?

Er… relish on lips should probably be avoided. And if he’s intoxicated by the fear, then he’s not going to move toward it very quickly. He might even fail. The word is not needed.

Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky.

Why is he doing this? I don’t know… it just sounds corny. He’s no beagle.

Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

I didn’t mind the extra capitalization. Literary license…

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger.

No semicolon there!

His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear.

Gah! You’re making this sentence longer than it needs to be!

First of all, what are you trying to say? Next of all, how can you say it better?

There are several things you’re saying over and over again. I realize you want us to be more aware of the hunt and the enjoyment of the hunt, but a better way of doing that is talking about what the child is doing. If we can visualize in our heads what exactly is going on, we’ll get a better picture of your character than if you just told us what was going on in your character’s head. With that said, describe the action and not so much the thoughts!

Instead of saying that overly long sentence, you can say this: “His forked tongue slithered out, tasting the child’s fear.” That sounds much better. Plus, it gives a better picture of what’s happening. The rare delicacy stuff only cluttered the sentence. Remember: beautiful naked lady with a mustache.

With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.

You picked the point of view as the beast. Now you are taking the point of view as an impartial observer. Because of this, the reader is confused and believes you are describing the child. DO NOT SWITCH YOUR POINTS OF VIEW! Once you’re established, then don’t move, however tempting it is. And believe me, I know how tempting it can be, but you just have to resist. It sounds really awkward now.

A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child.

Don’t use elipses that way. And the same as the above comment. It might not seem awkward to you, but it’s incredibly awkward for us.

He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

AHA! IT’S A BOY!

*keff*

And finally… there was a reason for that boy (yes, a boy!) to be lost.

But you told us too soon and in another POV. What is happening? Instead of saying, “He didn’t know what was coming to him, but this was going to happen” just say it. We’ll love you forever if you do that.

******

Ha ha. You’ve realized that writing in another POV creates very awkward transitions. That’s important. Don’t use those in chapters. It makes for an excuse in transitions.

Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air.

True or false! Say this one sentence out loud. Does it sound like a lot of words?

True!

You have 33 words in this one sentence. That’s too much. Edit it a little bit. First of all, no semicolons or ellipses. Second of all, separate the sentences. Third of all, don’t make it as fragmented. Fourth of all, don’t use clichés.

I would do this:

“Skidding around the corner on all fours, he lunged forward to kill.

“But the child was gone.”

There. Seventeen words in two sentences. I broke them up into paragraphs to create maximum impact so the reader knows the child is gone. That way, you don’t have to use the other POV.

Scrambling upward, he looked around in confusion. Where on earth had that child gone?

Seeming that your beast is not really in what we know as earth, then that clichéd phrase might not be good here. “Where did he go?” might be more effective. Play with it.

His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished.

There should a comma between “but” and “the.”

Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.

No semicolon… please. Just have a comma and then “but to no avail.” Or get rid of the clichéd phrase and try something different.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to pinpoint the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly.

Staring at these three sentences, Snoink realized they sounded familiar. Twitching her fingers as she began to type, she wrote slowly. Nodding off as she realized she spent four hours on this critique, she finally understood why she didn’t do full critiques very often.

Vary your verb forms.

It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone.

This sentence is 35 words long. You know the drill! Split into sentences, delete the evil ellipses and cut down the adjectives.

“It didn’t taper off. No, it ended as if it had never existed. And as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up, stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone.”

And… for good measure, change the word “junk” to “trash.” It sounds better.

Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

Eh… this is a pretty good sentence besides the ellipse and the second part of the sentence.

I would rather see this:

“Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose.

“He shivered.”

The ending leaves you hanging a little bit more, and we like cliffhangers.



So…

1. Ellipses and semicolons should be used sparingly, and when they are used, they should be used correctly. Read grammar books on this subject before you try to use them again.
2. Contrasting is an essential thing you must do for characters. Contrasting can make characters richer and more mysterious. Describe the characters for this effect.
3. Adjectives should be used lightly. Do not hold the story with them.
4. Don’t stray from your POV.
5. Don’t clutter up your sentences. Follow the KISS method whenever possible.

Okay… I’m done.

hehe. I was waiting for this. In fact it was the main reason I moved the story to this Forum, because I know you tend to read more story's here then in any other Forum.
So.
A lot of what you said seemed mildly ridiculous. A lot of what you questioned should have been obvious, in fact every single person who has read it before you (and believe me there have been quite a few, as this isnt the only place Ive posted it) has had no problem ie they havent been confused. Not at any one point.

Ive noticed this about you before, you get confused by things that no one else does, and Ive formed an opinion. I think that, too often your reading a story as a critiquer and not as a reader. Purposefully analysing every sentence as you read it, is going to confuse you, things which flow naturally for those who simply read without analysing, will stump you and often give you the opinion that something is wrong, badly written, or simply obscure. So, thats my theory, mind you I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

Throughout your epic critique, you say 'clarify', 'clarify', 'clarify'. I shouldnt have to do this. You are not a child, therefore I shouldnt have to explain every little thing to you, if every author were to do this...well there would be an abundance of over-sized books, to say nothing of boring.

Okay, so to your post!

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley.

Okay, you said "is the child on the floor or on the roof?" Im going to enlarge this bit. "He could smell the fear on the child, FROM HIS VANTAGE POINT ON THE ROOF".

clear enough?

Heady: all you need to take from this, is that it exhilarated him. Nothing more.

First of all, you made a mistake in not telling us the gender of the child

Wrong. The reason I didnt tell you the gender was because it was irrelevant to the creature. It didnt matter, all that mattered was the fact that there was prey to be had.

Upon seeing the word “salivate” it makes me hungry, but instead of visualizing the child, like I should (remember, writing should bring me into the main character’s soul)

You werent ment to visualize the child. You were ment to visualize pointy teeth...covered in saliva. That's all. He's drooling over the thought of ripping a child to pieces, if that doesnt give you an insight into his soul...well the less said the better.

So the genderless child is wandering around because its lost?

The child is bait, as you yourself realise later on in your critique. Which backs up my earlier point on analysing instead of reading. I mean, seriously, were you critiquing as you were reading?

the child stands for innocence and purity

The child is no such thing. He's ment to fool the creature into believing that. Finding out that child is bait for the murder of a creature, should have dispelled that thought immediately.

Quote:
Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.



I don’t know if Smaur will cover this or not (we were talking together about this story in YWS chat) but this is an awkward sentence. It’s much too flowery to really fit. This is a born killer, and he’s being described like that?

In movies, does the villain gaffaw? Or laugh as loudly possible? No. Why? Because its creepier this way. It also serves by not betraying his presence.

Plus, avoid descriptions such as iron hard. That’s just too clichéd to come up with a clear image.

Whether its cliched or not doesn't really matter, as in this instance it fits. Ever ask yourself why cliche's are still used? Its because, in this case anyway, it is an apt description. Again, all your ment to take from that is: he's strong. BTW how do you get that little dash above the 'e' in cliche? Thats always irritated me, but I digress.

After all, is this dark shadow attacking the main character or the child? Or is this shadow the main character?

Considering this sentence comes after: he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring", Id have thought it would be clear, however someone else once mentioned this, and the reason behind it is, I wanted you to get an image of the creature lunging. This serves to give you a picture of the overall scene.
Or it should.

Next, I understand what your saying about to many words and I'll get to...adjusting it.

Quote:
He watched as the child turned without another word and ran.



Wait… who ran? You’re confusing who’s doing what again

Gaah! Your doing the analysing thing again and your still wrong. You are dead set starting to piss me off. Again, im going to enlarge a part. "HE WATCHED as the child etc etc"

Next, why did he roar his merriment to the night sky? Because he was having fun. Period. And corniness be damned, I'll write as I damn well please, be it corny or just downright sad.

Quote:
With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.



You picked the point of view as the beast. Now you are taking the point of view as an impartial observer. Because of this, the reader is confused and believes you are describing the child

No, the reader does not get confused at this point, you do. How on earth could you match that description to a child? As with the lunge, so it is with this. You needed to get an image of the creature. Therefore there was a description. I cant write it entirely from one person's Point of View, even in seperate sections, because you wouldnt get an entire image of what was happening.

Okay, I see what your saying about the wordiness, I get it, im a word whore, I'll get to the adjusting. I also agree about the semicolon use, there is abit too much of it.

So thats the end of my post, and as you can see, your not the only one who can write epic messages.

One question, which throughout, you did not answer: Did you like it? I mean apart from all the "mistakes".[/quote]

A lot of what you said seemed mildly ridiculous. A lot of what you questioned should have been obvious, in fact every single person who has read it before you (and believe me there have been quite a few, as this isnt the only place Ive posted it) has had no problem ie they havent been confused. Not at any one point.

Snoink has a habit of pointing out the ridiculous with the ridiculous. It doesn't make her points any less valid.

Ive noticed this about you before, you get confused by things that no one else does, and Ive formed an opinion. I think that, too often your reading a story as a critiquer and not as a reader. Purposefully analysing every sentence as you read it, is going to confuse you, things which flow naturally for those who simply read without analysing, will stump you and often give you the opinion that something is wrong, badly written, or simply obscure. So, thats my theory, mind you I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

When you ask Snoink for a critique, she doesn't read as a reader; she reads as a publisher. This is why she is one of the best critiquers here on YWS. If your story doesn't pass publication, readers will never see this story.

Throughout your epic critique, you say 'clarify', 'clarify', 'clarify'. I shouldnt have to do this. You are not a child, therefore I shouldnt have to explain every little thing to you, if every author were to do this...well there would be an abundance of over-sized books, to say nothing of boring.

She seemed more interested in having you cut down words so that the action comes through, not simply a description of the action.

Okay, so to your post!

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley.

Okay, you said "is the child on the floor or on the roof?" Im going to enlarge this bit. "He could smell the fear on the child, FROM HIS VANTAGE POINT ON THE ROOF".

clear enough?

Hardly, if this is your first sentence, the reader has no idea who you're talking about, since the main character isn't known! We assume it's someone else, but the only subject in that sentence is the child; the creature is a very vague subject at best.

Heady: all you need to take from this, is that it exhilarated him. Nothing more.

First of all, you made a mistake in not telling us the gender of the child

Wrong. The reason I didnt tell you the gender was because it was irrelevant to the creature. It didnt matter, all that mattered was the fact that there was prey to be had.

Later on, you mentioned the gender of the character as a boy. How come it is important later, but not important now? Also, why would the beast not care? Even a predator picks his prey for a reason, even if it is simply the biggest deer. Frankly, I don't see any nutritional value in the boy. Girls on the other hand...

Upon seeing the word “salivate” it makes me hungry, but instead of visualizing the child, like I should (remember, writing should bring me into the main character’s soul)

You werent ment to visualize the child. You were ment to visualize pointy teeth...covered in saliva. That's all. He's drooling over the thought of ripping a child to pieces, if that doesnt give you an insight into his soul...well the less said the better.

So, why am I supposed to care if the beast tears apart the child? The child might as well be a posterboard. Last time I checked, killing posterboards isn't nearly as satisfying as killing characters. This is reading equivalent to listening to music that is muted.

So the genderless child is wandering around because its lost?

The child is bait, as you yourself realise later on in your critique. Which backs up my earlier point on analysing instead of reading. I mean, seriously, were you critiquing as you were reading?

Wait a minute, you said that this appealed to readers. Readers don't have the benefit of foresight and wouldn't know ahead of time that the child is bait. They're just trying to figure out what is happening. So, from a reviewer and reader standpoint, your excuse isn't valid.

the child stands for innocence and purity

The child is no such thing. He's ment to fool the creature into believing that. Finding out that child is bait for the murder of a creature, should have dispelled that thought immediately.

If the child has no symbolic meaning, why then is it a child? Why not a young man or a warrior? Why send out a little pip-squeak?

Quote:
Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.



I don’t know if Smaur will cover this or not (we were talking together about this story in YWS chat) but this is an awkward sentence. It’s much too flowery to really fit. This is a born killer, and he’s being described like that?

In movies, does the villain gaffaw? Or laugh as loudly possible? No. Why? Because its creepier this way. It also serves by not betraying his presence.

Snoink was way too nice on this point. Why would the beast laugh at all? I mean, wouldn't it be that much better if he sneaked up on the victim. Frankly, a tap on the shoulder would be more effective than any evil laughter at all, even if it is chuckling. Of course, if you must have the character make a noise, go with a chainsaw start-up; that always creeps me out.

Plus, avoid descriptions such as iron hard. That’s just too clichéd to come up with a clear image.

Whether its cliched or not doesn't really matter, as in this instance it fits. Ever ask yourself why cliche's are still used? Its because, in this case anyway, it is an apt description. Again, all your ment to take from that is: he's strong. BTW how do you get that little dash above the 'e' in cliche? Thats always irritated me, but I digress.

Iron hard? I'd use that if this was some gym commercial, not for a hunt. Seriously, iron hard describes a person who has lifted weights or "pumped iron". Has the beast done either? Find something better or leave it out.

After all, is this dark shadow attacking the main character or the child? Or is this shadow the main character?

Considering this sentence comes after: he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring", Id have thought it would be clear, however someone else once mentioned this, and the reason behind it is, I wanted you to get an image of the creature lunging. This serves to give you a picture of the overall scene.
Or it should.

Next, I understand what your saying about to many words and I'll get to...adjusting it.

You switched the POV without telling anyone and you expect a clear image? For all the reader knows, the shadow is a third man (so to speak) that will inject some an unexpected variable into the plot. Switching your POV is one of the greatest sins in all of writing. It sure screwed me up really good.

Quote:
He watched as the child turned without another word and ran.



Wait… who ran? You’re confusing who’s doing what again

Gaah! Your doing the analysing thing again and your still wrong. You are dead set starting to piss me off. Again, im going to enlarge a part. "HE WATCHED as the child etc etc"

Next, why did he roar his merriment to the night sky? Because he was having fun. Period. And corniness be damned, I'll write as I damn well please, be it corny or just downright sad.

When you don't include commas, how are we supposed to know who is running? Your sentence isn't arranged in a manner which would convey this. This is how it could be configured: "As he watched, the child turned and ran."

See what I mean?

Quote:
With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.



You picked the point of view as the beast. Now you are taking the point of view as an impartial observer. Because of this, the reader is confused and believes you are describing the child

No, the reader does not get confused at this point, you do. How on earth could you match that description to a child? As with the lunge, so it is with this. You needed to get an image of the creature. Therefore there was a description. I cant write it entirely from one person's Point of View, even in seperate sections, because you wouldnt get an entire image of what was happening.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! You can't switch from third person limited to third person omniscent just because you feel like it! I mean, if you want to do descriptions like this, write in third person omniscent. Don't confuse us by switching in the middle of the story.

Now, it is time for my finale. You are the writer, we are the readers. Who do you think has a better perspective on whether or not the story makes sense? It isn't that we can't figure it out, it is that we didn't know what was going on. If this happens once, just once then you break the readers concentration. If you think of your story as a river, you will find that there are small rocks in it, these are the minor mistakes, like spelling or missing a comma. When you have a bad transition, you go through a set of rapids.

When you switch your POV though, you are stuck behind a dam. You just sit there for awhile. Like all dams, there is a steep drop after it, which is, oddly enough, proportional to the distance the book travels on its way to the trash bin.

An excellent story flows perfectly, with no obstructions. No dams, no rapids, and some without even stones. Your readers desire this, above all things. So, using Snoinks suggestions, write this over.

JigSaw wrote:hehe. I was waiting for this. In fact it was the main reason I moved the story to this Forum, because I know you tend to read more story's here then in any other Forum.

You might as well have stayed put. I critique stories with interesting titles. It's not my fault most of the stories with interesting titles are in Original Fiction, lol. I would have completely passed this story up, if it weren't for your asking me.

Wow. I am awed at both the greatness of the story and at Snoinks critiquing prowess. Snoink your crazy. lol. Bravo to both of you.

Jigsaw--this was your reaction to Snoink ripping apart MY piece, Emergence.

Just a little reminder.

Well we have a critique of a critiue of a critique of a story here. So Im just going to read it casually and post some general comments. Because thats me: Mr General. Right...

It was a heady smell...full of promise

Wouldnt it be: It was a heady smell:full of promise with the colon?

I love the first paragraph, so descripted yet not in a totally obvious way. One thing I did notice was the over use of a semi colon. Sorry for being picky about punctuation, Im analysing stuff in my english class lol.

Anyway...

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.

I like the use of the word "emitting" its excellent and portrays the character to me as slightly emotionless or has the feeling of indifference to all except himself.

Overall I liked your piece, interesting and pulled my attention all the way through, a few things could be made more water tight but on the whole a pleasing piece.

...well, I ended up writing this critique sooner than I thought I would. Blame it on Snoink. Speaking of which ... if our critiques overlap, it's because we were discussing your story on the YWS chatbox. (Be very, very scared ... ) So if some of the things I say are identical to her comments ... yeah. Don't be surprised.

Alright: the story. You've got an interesting premise; yes, the monster verses child/soldier has been done before, but you're bringing some interesting aspects into it. Most notably, of course, the child, who isn't what he initially appears to be. You've got a good grasp of words and which words blend well together, and while that often gets in the way of your narrative (more on that later), it's still something to be admired.

Okay, now — onto the editing. Be forewarned that I might get increasingly, um, grumpy as the critique progresses. It took longer than I expected to write, and I'm tired and short-tempered like that. So don't worry: it's me, not you. Really.

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley.

Two things. First of all, "from his vantage point on the roof." I do think this is relevant information, but it's cluttering the flow of the sentence; if you're going to put it in the sentence, put it someplace where it's not killing the rest of the sentence. At the beginning, maybe, although I would suggest somehow breaking this into two sentences.

Secondly, like Snoink said, this first sentence needs to be much more interesting. First impressions count in everything, including storywriting, and a dull first line is the surest way to send your readers in the opposite direction. After all, if you can't even captivate their interests in the first line, how can you be expected to hold their attention for the rest of the story, right? Right? Um, anyway. Yes. So the first sentence has to be something slightly more interesting.

It doesn't have to be overly epic or dramatic — it just has to pull the reader in somehow. And, again, the "vantage point on the roof" isn't helping the sentence. I'd suggest taking one of the two ideas in the sentence: either (a) his vantage point or (b) the child, and expanding on that as your first line. For example, if you're working on the idea of his vantage point, tell us about his surroundings. You don't have to go into lengthy detail — in fact, the less detail in this kind of situation, the better — but give us a few well-placed details for a more vivid image. Stark contrast works well; later in the story, you mention the moon. Maybe you should start the story with a contrasting image of his silhouette against the moon as he peers over the edge of the roof. Except, you know, make it interesting. Engaging. There should be something in the first sentence that draws the reader in — whether it's the fresh, crisp style of narrative or the catchy bit of dialogue or the intrigue. Decide on what you want to do for this, and go with it. But it must draw the reader in.

It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death.

Exhibit A: here, the combined effect of ellipses, inappropriate semi-colons, and repetition isn't pretty. First of all, cut out the ellipses and the semi-colon, as they're both poorly applied here. Secondly, cut the repetition of "promise". If you're going to repeat something, I'd suggest expanding on the idea of what the smell promised, exactly. Does it offer delight? Happiness? Eternal pie? Then go from there: "It was a heady smell, full of promise — of death, of despair, of eternal pie steaming in the oven." You get what I mean. Maybe not. I hope you get what I mean.

Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces.

Again, incorrect use of the lovely semi-colon. There should be a comma after "position."

This sentence is majorly awkward. The problem starts after "began to stalk his prey" — everything after that sounds clunky. "Delighting in its oblivious nature," sounds like it's been yanked out of a textbook. You're supposed to be conveying emotion to the reader, and the reader in turn is supposed to feel some of that emotion — I don't. I might as well be reading a textbook. This is not a good sign. He's a monster and he's about to devour a small innocent child, and my Accounting text sounds more fascinating.

"Anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces," is just poorly written. Grammatically incorrect, first of all — "anticipating the moment as he tore it to pieces"? That just doesn't work. "As" should be "when", but that would sound awkard with "the feeling." I'd suggest expanding on them separately. First, describe the moment, then describe the feeling. So, something like, "Anticipating the moment when he tore it to pieces, the feeling of warm flesh against his lips," (which actually sounds more sexual than anything else, but whatever). And, to go a step further, I'd suggest omitting the "the feeling" bit altogether. So, "Anticipating the moment when he tore it to pieces, warm blood thick in his throat." Except something of your own choosing, and slightly more well-written than my spur-of-the-moment "warm blood" suggestion.

Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Cut out the "causing" — not only is it entirely unnecessary, it completely disrupts the flow of the sentence. (If/when you do that, of course, you'll have to tweak the rest of the sentence to fit, but that's obviously not hard.)

Also, "pointed" and "sharp" are redundant together. One or the other, not both.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him.

"Heart beat" should be "heartbeat," and there should be a comma after "frantically." Then there's, "He smiled as he knew it had sensed him." There's a profound lack of drama in this part of the sentence — not to mention that this bit sounds very, very awkward. Read it out loud. Doesn't it sound weird? (If it doesn't, chances are that when you were reading it aloud, you mentally inserted a comma after "smiled", which is one of the ways to fix it.) My suggestion? Take out the "as he knew." Break the sentence up. Compare the two options. One, the cluttered up version:

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him.

Two, the slightly more cleaned up version:

Hearing the child's heartbeat increase frantically, he smiled. It had sensed him.

Doesn't the second one sound more dramatic? It still needs work, obviously, but it's a start.

Above all — Dramatic emphasis! The child is scared. The beast is hungry. The stakes are high ... and I'm busy thinking up ways to sneak out of the house and meet up with some friends. This is exciting, dramatic stuff that you've got here — now work with it. Cut these into shorter sentences and expand on the sentences separately. Build up the drama. Get us excited. Get us interested.

It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted.

Like Snoink said in her crit, the "indefinable" should be cut out. You define it, by (1) calling it indefinable, and (2) calling it instinctive.

Secondly, if you're going to use ellipses start a new paragraph with "Yes, the child ..." So:

It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...

Yes, the child knew it was being hunted.

Operative word: "if" — if you're going to use it, I'd suggest expanding on the sentence preceding it, although I would suggest simply going with a period:

It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with.

Yes, the child knew it was being hunted.

Simply because the ellipses doesn't work with the sentence before it. Either work on that sentence or drop the ellipses, because they definitely aren't working together.

He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake.

Repetition + semi-colons = no. For starters, the semi-colon is inappropriately used and should be cut out. Secondly, the repetition doesn't work here. Repetition is a tool, to be used for flow and to give the piece more poetry. It doesn't sound poetic here, and it sure as hell doesn't help the flow. In fact:

He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake.

See all the text in bold? That can all be cut. That should all be cut. You're being needlessly verbose, and doesn't help the story in any way — you're not giving us any new information, you're not building drama, you're not helping flow, you're not clarifying anything. You might as well take it out:

He saw that the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake.

The sentence still needs to be worked on. "That it had mistakenly entered and got lost in," is the big problem. First of all, gotten lost, so, "that it had mistakenly entered and gotten lost in." Secondly, unless you're switching to an omniscient point of view (and POV switch = a big no), these are a lot of assumptions to be made by a creature who has supposedly lost his mind in the heat of the chase. You mention later that he stopped using logic and let his instincts take over — but, well, it definitely doesn't look like he's ruled by instinct here. (Unless you are switching point of view, and if you are — well, Griffinkeeper will take you out for that.) Not to mention that the sentence is so overloaded with words that you're killing any hope of dramatic effect that you might've ever, ever harboured. Or I might've ever, ever harboured, for that matter.

With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

"The sweetness of innocence?" Eeek. The cheesiness is coming off in waves. Like, massive tidal tsunami-esque waves. You're crushing the readers. And there goes the Western Seaboard ...

"With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew this was the place." Wouldn't that be better? "The sweetness of innocence," doesn't do anything in this sentence, except make me cringe. I'm not thinking about the sheer evilness of the monster, or the poor sweet child — it doesn't make the sentence more dramatic, or build the suspense, or do anything positive for your story. Cut it out; it's entirely useless.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.

I have to disagree with Adam101 (sorry — I was born this obnoxious) and say the "emitting" makes the sentence massively awkward. It's partly because of the word choice itself — "emitting" brings to mind images of radar and crappy 80s sci-fi with the machines that go beep-boop-boop, but also because it's so unnecessary. When you have "chuckle", which can so easily be converted into a verb, the emitting becomes pointless and kind of silly. Not to mention awkward. Have I mentioned that it sounds awkward?

He chuckled softly, darkly. Tensing iron-hard muscles, he prepared to spring.

Again, it's obviously not the best thing you can do with it, which is why you're the writer and I'm the critiquer. I get to point out your mistakes, and you get to make them beautiful. Speaking of which, you need to hyphenate "iron hard". And you need to use something better than "iron hard" — it's a cliché to end all clichés.

Wait. What?

Jigsaw wrote:Whether its cliched or not doesn't really matter, as in this instance it fits. Ever ask yourself why cliche's are still used? Its because, in this case anyway, it is an apt description.

Okay, thank you for (1) butchering the English language in a few short sentences and (2) making a really, really poor argument.

You're right, it's an apt description. But there are about five hundred and eighty-two other descriptions that are equally apt and not so clichéd. The thing about clichés is that they lose their effect from so much use. The cliché overwhelms the reader — so, yeah, maybe it is an apt description, but it sure isn't an effective one.

The other thing is that using a cliché is such a cop-out. It's a horribly lazy thing to do. It doesn't take much time and effort to think of something better, but you're basically telling the readers you can't be bothered to take that tiny, infinitesimal amount of time and effort to tighten your narrative. And if you can't be bothered to improve the quality of your story, why should anyone be bothered to read it? To critique it?

Let's recap: They kill the flow of the story. They're boring and unoriginal and stale. They make the writer look lazy, they're completely ineffective, and there are fifty-million (or rather, five hundred and eighty-two) other ways to describe his "iron-hard muscles". So, basically, clichés are bad.

(They're not always bad, and sometimes they can be used in description. But rarely, and this is not one of those cases.)

A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.

Ellipses overkill. Cut them out — they're not working in favour of the narrative. (If anything, they're very distracting.) I agree with Snoink; the sentence is better off as several smaller sentence fragments. "A moment passed. Then another. A dark shadow launched into the air." The "then" isn't doing anything for you, either.

The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down.

Please, for the love of God, don't use semi-colons unless you know how to do it properly. Read a grammar book. "The Elements of Style", by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, is a good place to start. And finish. In fact, you don't even have to buy it or borrow it out of the library or something — you can even find it online! You basically have no excuse for misuse of punctuation. Until then, veer away from semi-colons. In this case, it should be a comma, and the sentence should be broken into smaller pieces.

Also, "seemingly defying gravity," should definitely be cut out. If the "shadow" is hanging suspended in midair, then it's defying gravity and there's no "seeming" about it. It's also kind of pointless, because "hung for moments" and "suspended in mid-lunge" serve to illustrate the gravity-breaking much better than "seemingly defying gravity". Not to mention it sounds clunky and overly wordy. Also, "a dark blotch against the blue-black sky," is almost entirely unnecessary, because you're just reiterating (except for the bit about the blue-black sky) things you've said before. In the exact same sentence. The "shadow" metaphor covers the "dark blotch", and going back to describe it all over again with "a dark blotch against the blue-black sky," is an insult to your readers' collective intelligence as well as somewhat redundant.

And, finally, the shadow metaphor is poorly applied. Shadows don't hover in mid-air; in fact, shadows don't show up in the air. They need some kind of substantially reflective surface. So don't use the shadow metaphor here. (Unless it isn't a metaphor, and in that case, it becomes even more scientifically unsound, and should therefore still be cut.)

Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace.

Er, no offence, but when I think of predatory grace, I don't think of an animal somersaulting in mid-air with a cloak flapping behind it. A lion slinking through the grass, maybe, but in no way do (a) somersaults or (b) flappy cloaks factor into this equation. (a) reminds me of squirrels and (b) reminds me of villains. Or maybe Zorro. Or maybe Dracula if he was attacked by a washing machine. Not a predator, though.

Also, once again, improper use of the semi-colon. That should be a comma, since it's wrapping the parenthetical "with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him." Get rid of the "with" while you're at it; better flow.

He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child.

Cut out the "with". And is the clutter of human filth actually steaming, or are you just writing that? It's a railroad crossing, not an oven. "Steamy" suggests some kind of humidity, which doesn't make any sense if it starts pelting drops of cold rain twenty minutes later.

He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game.

First of all: please stop using ellipses. Just, stop. Also, you don't have to go into excruciating detail about how he loves the cat-and-mouse chase. The reader can figure it out all on his/her lonesome, with only a bit of hinting about how it wouldn't be terribly exciting. (And cut the "terribly". Doesn't do anything for you.) Get rid of "No, he wanted to play a game," and play around with what you've got left:

He could've ended it there — but then, that was never exciting.

See? Once you give that tiny extra bit of emphasis to the "but that wouldn't have been terribly exciting", the "no, he wanted to play a game" bit becomes a thing of the past.

Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.”

Too many unnecessary details in this sentence, which completely plays down the drama. If you're going to put in "turning his head" you don't really need to stick in "to the side" — the "turn" suggests (unless otherwise specified) that he's turning his head to the side, anyway.

The "one word" should also be cut out. It doesn't do anything for your narrative. I know I'm repeating myself a lot, but only because it's true; it doesn't build suspense, make the story more dramatic or interesting — and, most of all, the reader can count. He or she will know that it's one word without you telling them. So by writing the number in, you're just making the sentence unnecessarily cumbersome.

If you're going to do anything, I'd suggest expanding on his actions ("turning his head"). Describe his eyes — are they glowing or gleaming? Are they laughing, gleeful, mocking? Does he smile?

This is drama. Give us dramatic emphasis. Give the "He hissed one word" bit its own paragraph. I'd also suggest going with

"Run," he hissed.

instead of

He hissed: "Run."

because, again, the "he hissed:" doesn't do anything for you. And the first method, with the tag following the dialogue, is always effective. (Especially when given its own paragraph, hint hint. Although dialogue should be given its own paragraph, anyway, so — yeah. Do that.)

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran.

Okay, if a child was stalked by a strange creepy monster-human creature thingy, this is not how it would react.

Yeah, yeah, I know — it's not a child. But at the same time, so far in the story it tends to react with human-esque emotions, such as fear and terror. Its heartbeat increases rapidly when it realizes it's being followed. I don't know whether it's an elaborate act to confuse Crazy Monster Thingy or if the child genuinely feels these emotions, but either way, this isn't the kind of reaction a child would have when attacked or threatened like this. Do your research.

He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him.

If you have the "as" you don't need the comma. If you're going with one or the other, I'd suggest cutting out the "as", and working with the sentence until it can be supported with the comma and without the "as". Also, "with relish" can and should be cut out; it's not helping enhance the mental image of the creature (whatever that might be). We already know the monster is enjoying this entire hunt-y gig, so "with relish" is just unnecessary.

Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky.

.....

Oh my god, this is so bleeding cheesy.

Next, why did he roar his merriment to the night sky? Because he was having fun. Period. And corniness be damned, I'll write as I damn well please, be it corny or just downright sad.

Okay two things.

First of all, you say yourself that this is stupid:

Jigsaw wrote:In movies, does the villain gaffaw? Or laugh as loudly possible? No. Why? Because its creepier this way. It also serves by not betraying his presence.

Secondly: you've built him up to this creature of predatory fluid grace, and then you have — this. Which completely ruins that image. Now he looks like an evil overweight villain twirling his French mustache and cackling evilly. In other words, your creepy, interesting monster now looks like this. Bad, bad, bad. You're killing your own story; you're undermining its seriousness by throwing in something like this. I don't care if you're too wrapped up in your writerly self-righteousness, this is ridiculous. It makes a creature that might be scary look ridiculous. It gives the story an element of ridiculousness. You're shooting yourself in the foot, Jiggy m'dear. So, buck up and listen to Snoink. She's right.

Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Dramatic emphasis. Can I say this more clearly? You have in in your hands an amazing wealth of material, and you're going the mediocre route and not doing anything dramatic with this. Paragraph breaks. Shorter sentences, sentence fragments, ellipses — you know these tools exist, and sometimes you even use them (or overuse them, in the case of ellipses), but you're not using them as the tools that they are. The style of storytelling you're using here is very flat — you're not spicing it up. It's exciting and dramatic content, but the way it's presented is unexciting and completely lacking in the dramatic department.

Oh, yes.

The Hunt was on.

I know it's easier said than done, but still. Like I said: you seem to know that the tools exist — you just aren't using them properly.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase.

See? You can do it.

Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger.

...sometimes, anyway.

"Adrenaline", not "adrenalin" — this is what "adrenalin" is, and it doesn't exactly work in the context of your sentence.

Secondly: semi-colon. Cut it out. That should be a comma.

If you're going to keep the "energizing him, making him stronger" bit, change the sentence so you can use repetition, so: "energizing him, strengthening him." It's not necessarily a very obvious use of repetition, but it helps the story. I would, however, suggest cutting out "energizing him, strengthing him," altogether. It's entirely useless. Your readers already know the effects of adrenaline; you don't have to spell it out for them. Also, go with "throughout his body," to "through him." Make the sentences shorter, sweeter here. You have to heighten the reader's sense of urgency, and having shorter sentences will help. (Don't make every sentence short — that only makes the narrative choppy. You have to maintain a happy medium.)

So, to recap, from:

Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger.

to

Adrenaline pumped through him.

Now you can use that extra word space to do other things; describe the creature's sensations, impressions of the world as it rushes past him/it, etc. Make the story more real for the reader.

His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear.

Too wordy ("forked tongue", "rare delicacy", etc.), too specific ("from moment to moment"), too cheesy ("the rare delicacy that is a child's fear"). There's this epic, frightening, dramatic chase and you're describing his tongue?! What on earth are you doing? This should be cut out altogether. It's silly and ridiculous and detracting the reader's attention from what should be a suspenseful, action-packed chase. And all it does is tell us that the monster has a forked tongue — something that could've been worked in earlier, or can still be worked in later, but is in no way relevant to the current drama.

With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.

Once again, butchering the use of semi-colons. Cut out the semi-colon. Also, cut out "with" and put an em dash between "back" and "he". And does the wild tangled "mane of darkness" (again with the cheesiness) making him look chilling? It just gives us the impression that he's badly-groomed; it's not exactly something that strikes terror in the heart of humanity. Plus, it's excessively wordy. So, out it goes. Which would put the em dash between "skin" and "he", like so:

Muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin — he was a chilling sight.

...although I do think you should stick a third descriptive phrase in here, only because these things work so much better in threes. Something that's short. So, like, "Muscles pumping, tongue lolling, veins visibly straining against his pallid grey skin — he was a chilling sight."

A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child.

Oh ... wow.

Wow.

So you've got this chase, and it's frightening and suspenseful and action-packed (this is getting increasingly hypothetical), and then you decide to start talking about casual onlookers?!?! What the hell??

There are no casual onlookers. There are no keen observers. There is a chase sequence, and you're going so off-track it's not even funny. I don't care what a casual onlooker thinks. I don't care what a keen observer sees. I don't care if this is an unsubtle way of trying to weasel in some more description. You're butchering the chase scene. Butchering. The mood is gone. This is completely freaking irrelevant. There is drama going on and you are talking about a completely non-existent, hypothetical observer. To use Snoink's naked woman analogy, it's like there's a naked woman sprawled out in front of you and you're describing the stack of newspapers beside her.

Get back on track.

In other news, cut the ellipses. A comma would work better in that situation.

He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

The "that he didn't notice that" is probably the most awkward bit of the sentence. Break this entire thing into smaller sentences. Up the drama. Cut out the "seemingly" — it does nothing except clutter up the sentence. Yeah, he's not really a lost and terrified boy, but the reader will come to that conclusion his/her own, without you shoving it in their faces.

******

Is this really necessary? This is usually used to indicate either (a) a passage of time, or (b) a change of point of view. Or both. But in this narrative, none of these things are happening — if anything, there's a passage of time, but nothing significant to warrant this. So, I'd suggest cutting it out. (Not to mention, if you're going to use it, use it consistently. You use it later in the story, but because you're changing POV. And in this example, you're definitely not changing POV.)

Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air.

The first comma, after "corner", isn't entirely necessary and could/should be omitted; it makes the sentence clunky with needless pauses. The semi-colon needs to go — the correct punctuation is a comma. There shouldn't be a comma after "shut". And if you want to keep the ellipses, I'd suggest starting a new paragraph with "only to have his jaw click painfully shut..." And if you do that, cut out "only to have" (and then put "click" in past tense), so:

Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…

His jaw clicked painfully shut on thin air.

Maybe even fragment it. ("His jaw clicked painfully shut. Thin air.") Your choice, of course.

Scrambling upward, he looked around in confusion.

Upward? Where is he right now, in an alley? Can he really scramble upward, unless maybe he's trying to scale a wall? Scramble around, maybe, but upward is just strange.

Where on earth had that child gone?

This isn't the kind of mental dialogue that you'd expect from a creepy monster — also, I do think it would be better to describe (not in-depth, though) the emptiness of the alley instead of giving us a bit of the monster's thoughts. Partly, I think, because you're humanizing the monster when you've spent the greater part of the chapter de-humanizing him, and partly because it's more interesting and has greater dramatic effect. In fact, I'd cut it out altogether and let the next sentence ("the child himself had vanished") do the job.

His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished.

I don't know if you did this on purpose, but "cloying but sweet" is usually the phrase used to describe decaying flesh, not a young, tasty child. And if you did this on purpose — well, why would Mr. Monster Man chase something that smells decaying? He can't be that stupid. And besides, I'd assume his instincts would kick in, so I'll pretend that it wasn't done on purpose. In which case: change it.

Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.

"Sought all about him," doesn't work. You can't seek for something. "He sought a sign," would work, but not "for." So either cut out the "all about himself for" or replace "sought" with "searched", or something equally appropriate. Better yet — do both. (Except, of course, don't cut out the "for".) We'd all love you a little bit more.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky.

Don't assign human emotions to objects, i.e. the night sky. It doesn't do anything. Of course the night sky is unforgiving — it sure as hell isn't endowed with the emotional capability to forgive. (For that matter, it isn't really endowed with the emotional capability to not forgive, but whatever.) It's just silly to give it human attributes, and while personification is good when used properly, it definitely isn't used properly here. So the "unforgiving" should be cut out. Also, there should be a comma after "back." And for a predatory animal, he's surprisingly emotional about lost prey.

Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to pinpoint the vanishing point.

AHHH. Use semi-colons properly. You're not using semi-colons properly. That should be a comma.

Also, "pinpoint the point" is kind of, y'know, redundant. The vanishing scent, maybe? I don't know. Something that isn't "point", because that defeats the purpose of the verb "pinpoint".

Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly.

"Completely and utterly" is redundant. Take one or the other, not both.

Also: semi-colon. Remove. Replace with comma.

It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone.

"A freezing breeze"? First of all, the rhyming doesn't help us take this phrase seriously, but a breeze is light and gentle, not freezing. Better word choice.

And speaking of which, find a synonym for "junk". Throughout the story, you've been consistently eloquent, and "junk" is a slang term that kills the style of your narrative. So, replace it.

Last of all — semi-colon. Repeat after me: delete. Replace with comma. Move on.

Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

More dramatic, please. He's just lost his prey, and there's definitely something fishy going on. And please don't use ellipses here. Break up the sentence. Don't list the "hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts" so methodically. Add a comma after "abruptly". That sort of thing.

.....

whew.

Okay, some final overall things:

You've got an interesting premise, but your main problem is that you insist on having style before substance, and it's hurting your narrative. You've got a nice sense of words and how they work well together, but you are so overdoing it. Don't be ridiculously wordy, don't be redundant. "Description" doesn't mean you have to have over ten words describing his evil laugh; a few, well-placed adjectives do the trick quite nicely.

Dramatic emphasis is your friend, especially in the kind of story that you're writing. It's supposed to be gripping and exciting, so use the proper dramatic tools to make it gripping and exciting. You seem to love description, but you're overusing it, to the extent that it hampers the mood of the story. (i.e. No more casual/keen observers, please, ever again.)

And for the love of God and his countless bunnies and all things holy, don't use punctuation unless you understand it. You clearly don't understand how to properly use semi-colons, and ellipses are strewn generously throughout the entire narrative without any thought to structure or flow or dramatic emphasis. Like I said before, sign out some grammar books. Start with Strunk and White (which you don't even have to sign out, because I provided you with an online link!), learn your stuff.

Okay, and if you have any questions, let me know and I'll try to help. The critique got increasingly incoherent and grumpy (I did warn you) but that's mostly because I just spent the vast majority of my lovely snow day writing this. But if you want me to clarify anything, tell me and I'll try.

Last of all — I'm going to stifle the urge to rant at you for complaining about Snoink's critique. First of all, she's right, and just because people don't point out your mistakes doesn't mean that they don't exist. (So, yeah, all those things she asked you to clarify? Clarify them, please.) Secondly, you've asked both me and Snoink, on repeated occasions (the chatroom, PM, etc.) to critique your story, so calling her comments "mildly ridiculous" and telling her that she's starting to piss you off ... yeah, not the best way to acknowledge someone who's just spent ten+ bloody pages trying to help you with your story.

(No, this isn't ranting, if you're wondering. Believe me, this isn't ranting.)

You need to take a step back and look at her comments objectively. All the points she made here are 100% valid, and everything in the critique will make your story tighter and more well-written. Like I said before, your self-righteous writerly outrage is just ridiculous. Half the time, your principle argument is that you don't want to improve your writing because

Jigsaw wrote:I'll write as I damn well please

and frankly, it's nerve-grating.

On a slightly lighter note: good luck on the story. You've got talent — now make the most of it.

Okay then.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I appreciate the effort. And thank you for killing the idea that I could write. I thought that I could, seems I cant. At least the idea of the story was good. Maybe I should just think up ideas for story's and pass them on to other more capable ppl.

Regardless, Im done. With writing. With posting. With doing anything here. At least I am for now. Maybe when school finishes, I'll come back.

Again, thanks a lot for your comments, I know you had to put some things aside to do it, and I appreciate your efforts.

Bye,
~Jiggy

That also a bad way to take a critique. The best way is to use it, not leave writing forever.

No one starts an excellent writer, one has to work at it.