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Shadow (with chapter 2)



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Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:51 am
Jiggity says...



[pre]Chapter 1.[/pre]

[pre]He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley. It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death. Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces. Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.[/pre]

[pre]Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence. [/pre]

[pre]Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring. [/pre]

[pre]A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air. [/pre]


[pre]The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.” [/pre]

[pre]He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on. [/pre]

[pre]Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger. His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear. With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight. A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements... [/pre]

******
[pre]Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upward, he looked around in confusion. Where on earth had that child gone? His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.[/pre]

[pre]Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to pinpoint the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly. It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone. Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.[/pre]

Chapter 2.

[pre]He stood, silent and still, letting the night wash over him; concealing, caressing him with its velvety darkness. He didn’t like how things were turning out, he’d been robbed of his meal, and what should have been easy quarry had become elusive prey; he didn’t like such surprises- they foreshadowed change, and not in a good way. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night; quickly disabusing him of that notion. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded. It seemed he was not the only one who had noticed the advantage of the crossroads as an ambush site.[/pre]

[pre]He’d been fooled; led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.[/pre]

[pre]What a fool he’d been!!! He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned the rationale; the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long…and now he was paying the price. Even as he accepted his fate, a niggling suspicion wormed its way into his mind…and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph; it was a silence that spoke of hesitation,indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldnt see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice: “Please Confirm if you have visual”[/pre]

[pre]A chorus of “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips; there was hope yet. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, then sprung himself into the air; revealing his position. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.[/pre]

[pre]Shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Then they rushed out, faces suffused with glee, which quickly turned to dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, and they rushed in; following it blindly.[/pre]

[pre]Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.[/pre]
Last edited by Jiggity on Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:49 am, edited 2 times in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Sun Jan 29, 2006 7:10 am
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



reading this brought a large smile to my face, very very good job, shadow kill some soldiers and have fun, what exactaly is shadow?
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
  





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Sun Jan 29, 2006 3:47 pm
Dynasty cow says...



huh
Last edited by Dynasty cow on Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:47 pm
Dynasty cow says...



That was phliping exelent , i envy you , howed you do it , at one point in reading it i was lost in your words , only when i remebered that this was written by a 16 year old did i snap out of it and go back to my judgeing mode when reading stories from this site , i dream of having skills like that . and you better use em cause i dont think i have ever lost myself in the story thats a lie .

how long did it take to write somthing this good
  





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Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:01 am
Jiggity says...



Thanks a lot guys.
Your encouragement helps me, and it will, I hope, only get better.
The first half took me, all together...an hour, an hour and a half maybe. The second half, while smaller took a little bit longer. So all up maybe 3hrs, give or take a bit.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:15 am
Torpid says...



good story, u kinda left us hangin but it was good and ure not hitting stops or slowing the story down so I give it a b, low a. Ever Onward
~Torpid
Last edited by Torpid on Sat Feb 11, 2006 3:55 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sun Feb 05, 2006 1:36 am
Jiggity says...



Thanks a lot guys, I'll put the next part up as soon as possible.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Tue Feb 07, 2006 8:09 am
deleted6 says...



Not bad i still prefer fantasy, but this led me on good enough keep it up.
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
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Tue Feb 07, 2006 8:27 am
Jiggity says...



Chapter 2.

He stood, silent and still, letting the night wash over him; concealing, caressing him with its velvety darkness. He didn’t like how things were turning out, he’d been robbed of his meal, and what should have been easy quarry had become elusive prey; he didn’t like such surprises- they foreshadowed change, and not in a good way. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night; quickly disabusing him of that notion. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded. It seemed he was not the only one who had noticed the advantage of the crossroads as an ambush site.

He’d been fooled; led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.

What a fool he’d been!!! He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned the rationale; the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long…and now he was paying the price. Even as he accepted his fate, a niggling suspicion wormed its way into his mind…and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph; it was a silence that spoke of hesitation, indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldn’t see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice, “Please Confirm if you have visual”

A muffled chorus of, “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips; there was hope yet. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his uncanny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, then sprung himself into the air; revealing his position. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.

Shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Then they rushed out, faces suffused with glee, which quickly turned to dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, and they rushed in; following it blindly.

Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.


**********
The soldiers stumbled about, having rapidly lost both the trail and their sense of direction while regaining a very sensible fear. They had lost the trail to the muck in mere moments, but had carried on, bolstered by a wave of confidence that had since melted into a bundle of nerves and confusion.

The night cold descended with a vengeance, and soon they were shivering; afraid. Cold. No longer the strong, confident soldiers; reduced to wretched, unwitting prey. The heavens opened and pelted them with freezing, rock hard droplets of water; droplets that formed a seemingly impenetrable curtain of water around them. Like a herd, they inched towards each other, standing in a little group, unconsciously taking comfort from each others presence. Their assault rifles tried to peer through it; little torches roaming aimlessly; futilely.

A shadow, dimly seen by squinting eyes, flitted by.
Icy fear crept up they’re backs, chilling them, whispering insidious things into doubting minds.

The seconds crept by, the fear intensified…and they waited. Shaking hands gripped slippery weapons, heads shook water out of their eyes, bodies tried to stop from fleeing into the night.

Then the moment passed.

Shoulders slumped, grips loosened, and shaky laughs slipped from chattering mouths. Then a snarling form smashed through the curtain, slamming into the leader of the four and thumping him against the wall which produced a satisfying crack. Spluttering bursts of gunfire, muffled by the downpour, crackled into the night. But it was too late; the senseless form slumped into mud, with a wet splat. The shadow was gone. The remaining three huddled even closer together, the attack had sent a very clear message; your mine for the taking.

A dark chuckle shivered through the night.
Last edited by Jiggity on Fri Feb 10, 2006 6:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Tue Feb 07, 2006 1:30 pm
Keowyn says...



wow.

this was completely awesome. It's full of potential, and like dynasty cow i got lost in this hopelessly. Keep it up. Oh yeah, at the end of chapter 2 you are using they're instead of their. they're is there are. EX:

They're all wet.

Their guns were dripping with the rain is the correct way to use this.

Once again, this was awesome so keep it up.
  





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Wed Feb 08, 2006 5:39 am
Jiggity says...



Hey,thanks. Thats like the first error anyone has pointed out to me; cool.
Glad you liked it.
I'll keep going, I really enjoy writing this.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:17 am
Fishr says...



Jiggy... :)

Alrighty. As I promised, I returned. I agree that this story has potential with its fast pace and your choice of words to describe the situations, which is great by the way. :) You have an interesting writing style and I do like it.

Should we move on to our favorite subject? Yes, we all love grammar, don't we? :x LOL :) Not many mistakes that I saw but I did catch a few mistakes with your dialogue.

As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice: “Please Confirm if you have visual”

A chorus of “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips;


First sentence; after voice put a comma instead. And you forgot a period after visual. ;)

Second sentence; put a comma after of. Also, I'm sure why but the second sentence doesn't sit with me. Perhaps, it's because of the word of. Maybe something along the lines of A chorus of muffled tones, "That's a nagative".... They're voices would be muffled if they were talking on wakie talkies(eh, if that's the politically correct word, lol), right? Just my thoughts.

Only other thing I caught is you use the word canny. I believe it is being used incorrectly in context. The sentence which it was being used -

As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, then sprung himself into the air; revealing his position.


Canny, by definition -
adj. can·ni·er, can·ni·est
1. Careful and shrewd, especially where one's own interests are concerned.
2. Cautious in spending money; frugal.
Scots.
a. Steady, restrained, and gentle.
b. Snug and quiet.


I think the word uncanny would work better in that sentence.

Uncanny, by definition -
adj. un·can·ni·er, un·can·ni·est

1. Peculiarly unsettling, as if of supernatural origin or nature; eerie.
2. So keen and perceptive as to seem preternatural.
Number two seems to fit best for the character shadow because he is, by nature more keen than that of a human.

I found the definitions from http://www.dictionary.com ;) Just in case, you're wondering.

Also, it is nice we, the readers, are getting action and there is a lot of energy in this story, but I recommend one thing. Don't keep the readers in the dark too long. You started describing him a little in Chap 1 but more insight should be available as the story progresses. Why? Because it could drag the story down, if the readers have not clue what this 'thing' is, its origins, its persona and feeding habits. From what I gather, Shadow is nocturnal, or is he? That's what I mean; you should try and work on developing him more as we move through the chapters. ;)

Well, that's all I caught. PM me when you post chap 3 please. And thanks for critiquing my story as well. I know its not exactly the easiest story to read through because its so long, lol and probably burns the eyeballs eventually. But thanks for taking the time. :) I do like this story quite a bit. Its definately orginal. Good job!
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.
  





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Fri Feb 10, 2006 6:16 am
Jiggity says...



Hiya fishr, thanks for the comments. I fixed what you picked out. As to the story, the little action sequence Ive got going now, has to end before I can go into any serious character building, although during the said sequence a little more of Shadow's features will be revealed.

Thanks for the encouragement.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:06 am
Griffinkeeper says...



You shouldn't wait to build character, you should do it quickly through nuances, words, and actions.

The actions seemed fluid enough, which is a good thing.

Here is my big question though: why are you writing this? Is there a particular message behind this or is this simple practice?
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The important thing is never to stop questioning.
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