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Chapter Two



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Fri Aug 19, 2005 11:10 pm
Kay Kay says...



Chapter Two: Kidnapping Complete
Renee:
The bus pulled to a stop as Budd said, “okay everybody out."
We all exchanged glances of confusion, but none of us daring to move. Slowly, the five of us climbed down the bus steps in a single file line. Before us was a familiar red ford truck with a giant crate in the back.
"Hey! That's my truck!” Lionel yelled angrily, his face red with anger.
"Not anymore it's not,” the bus driver, Jack Hyston retorted. "Now get into the crate."
Is he crazy? We can't all fit into that box unless they expect us t sit in laps. Either way, I walked towards the back of the truck with the others; avoiding eye contact with Budd whom was eyeing me suspiciously.
"Guys, what are we going to do?” Rex asked in a whispering tone; climbing into the crate.
"I dunno, but I'll figure something out,” Cameron said with an assuring tone, looking directly at me as he lowered me down into the crate.

Lionel:
I freaking hate buses my insides were screaming as Rex and I helped Violet get into the crate. It was then that I noticed how short the skirt she was wearing really was. Rex noticed me staring and shot me a warning glance. It looked as if he had already claimed her. I erased the thought from my mind. Here I am getting kidnapped and all I can think about is Violet's short skirt?
Cameron, whom was already in the crate with Renee, lowered her down. I was the last one to climb in after giving Rex a boost. Then, sat down in the small space between the guy I had just helped in and Renee. We were all cramped up against each other.
"Y'all be nice in there...Ya here?” Jack snickered. He laughed as the lid was closed. We all groaned. Few rays of light shown in through the holes in the top, allowing us to be able to see each other. Without them we would have been sitting in complete darkness. The closed crate quickly heated up causing sweat to run down our faces.

Cameron:
"Renee, please move your hand from my thigh," I said; feeling Violet's movement next to me. She slowly took her hand away, and I'm guessing that she probably moved to Lionel. It was way too quiet. So quiet that I could hear my own heartbeat, which were loud as gunshots.
I had a sudden idea. We could try to push the lid open. "Hey guys, lets see if we can push the lid off and escape."
"Yeah,” Lionel agreed.
Seconds later, we had our hands flat on the ceiling of the crate. "Okay, everybody push,” I ordered. We all pushed the ceiling with all our might but it wouldn't budge. That led to sighs of failing.
"There must be something holding the lid on like chains or something,” Violet exclaimed sadly. The four of us agreed with her. …Seconds later, I heard soft sobbing from beside me. Renee! Feeling bad that my plan hadn't worked, I then patted her on the arm to be comforting. "Don't cry. It will be okay."
"Whatever,” she whispered angrily; pulling away from me.

Violet:
The crate was so hot I swear I felt like I was on fire. Pearls of sweat trickled down my spine; my clothes sticking to my body like an extra layer of skin. My legs and behind were numb form sitting in the same position for so long.
"Guys,” Rex said suddenly. "We're on the ferry...listen."
“Looks as thought they want to get far enough so we won't be found any time soon,” Lionel exclaimed quietly. I sighed and placed my head on Rex's shoulder.
"I can't feel my legs anymore," Renee complained bitterly.
"Same here,” I assured her as the guy I rested against placed his arm around my waist.
For some unknown reason, I wasn't afraid the least big. Being between Cameron and Rex made me feel safe. The heat was really starting to get to all of us. "I hope they let us out soon."
"No kidding,” Cameron muttered, taking my hand in his. Startled, I looked at him, and all I got was a warm smile.

Rex:
After the longest time, way after the others stopped moving and talking, the lid was opened. Bright sunlight flooded the crate causing us to all shield our eyes.
"Get out!” Jack yelled, now holding the pistol.
Drenched in sweat, Cameron and I helped the girls out. It was while I was climbing out that I noticed a chain was hanging half off the side of the truck. Next to it was my cell phone. Just my luck, I screamed silently. The truck next to us was Lionel's!
"Get into the car,” Budd ordered. "Girls in the seat and guys in the floor."
Jack pointed the gun at us when we refused. So I was the first to climb into the old beat up car. Violet sat in front of me; Renee next to her of course, Cameron at my side and Lionel by the only working door.

Renee:
"They didn't hurt you did they?" a woman's voice asked. It was then that we noticed the woman sitting in the passenger seat. I looked out the window and saw a man sitting in Lionel's truck; he was starting it up, while talking to Budd. Budd got into the truck and it left us.
"I wouldn't call sitting in a crate forever pleasurable,” Violet snarled.
"True,” she replied with a high-pitched laugh. Cameron rolled his eyes annoyed and made a face.
Tears that I could not control spilled over my eyelashes and ran down my cheeks. The girl sitting next to me reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. Everyone was looking at me with what little hope they had left and tried to smile.
Time went by slowly. Everyone was depressed and miserable with the situations including myself. The five of us watched as the sunset gave way into nightfall. The entire time, we were silent as the grave.

Cameron:
I raised my head up off Violet's knee and as the engine was shut off. It was dark outside leaving me without knowledge of our location. The door was opened and Jack motioned for us to get out.
I was the first one to ever try to escape. Once I could feel my legs again, I took off running, but our kidnapper was faster. Tackled to the ground abrasively, I moaned in failure.
"Great plan,” Lionel called out sarcastically. "And just leave the rest of us while you're at it."
I was forced up to the front door with the others. I pulled away from the man whose fingers dug into my arm. The woman that had asked whether Jack and Budd hurt us or not opened the front door to an old run down house.
"Charming,” Renee muttered under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.
"Tell me about it,” Rex and I agreed in unison. Then, walked in behind Violet.

Violet:
The woman whom we later found out to be Cindy Hyston; Jack's wife lead us to the kitchen closet. She opened the door and we heard a creek from the inside of it. "Don't tell me you're locking us in a closet,” I groaned; pulling at a strand of brown hair.
"No, of course not dear," she said opening a door form inside the closet. "You'll be in the hidden room."
Jack jabbed me in the back with the pistol. I let out a gasp of pain.
Cameron snapped," don't touch her you dirty, son of a-"
I grabbed his arm saying," It's okay."
The man's mouth twitched in anger and he pushed me into the room. I stumbled to the floor. The door slammed shut and the click of the lock was heard.
"Violet, are you okay?” Cameron asked; kneeling to my side. I slowly sat up and swallowed hard. But that didn't stop the tears of pain form spilling over my lashes. He looked at me in horror; not believing that I was actually crying. "Violet, don't cry...Please don't cry."
He pulled me into his arms and I cried into his shirt.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young girl standing in one corner. My tears dried up quickly as I hugged Cameron; I looked at her.
No one else had seen her but me. "Who are you?" I asked, startling her.

Rex:
There was a girl about Renee's age standing a few feet away form us. She simply said," My name is Elektra Hyston."
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld

"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 267
Sat Aug 20, 2005 8:04 am
Boni_Bee says...



Kay Kay wrote:Renee:
The bus pulled to a stop as Budd said, “okay everybody out."
We all exchanged glances of confusion, but none of us daring to move. Slowly, the five of us climbed down the bus steps in a single file line. Before us was a familiar red ford truck with a giant crate in the back.


Ok, that sentance 'but none of us daring to move. Slowly, the five of us climbed down etc" it kind of contradicted itself....what about "After a long silence, we slowly climbed down"

"Hey! That's my truck!” Lionel yelled angrily, his face red with anger.
"Not anymore it's not,” the bus driver, Jack Hyston retorted. "Now get into the crate."
Is he crazy? We can't all fit into that box unless they expect us t sit in laps. Either way, I walked towards the back of the truck with the others; avoiding eye contact with Budd whom was eyeing me suspiciously.


.....????? that paragraph was a bit confusing, you need to make a more deffinet idea of where the characters 'think' and when they 'talk', and the 'either way' thing distracted me from the story.

"Guys, what are we going to do?” Rex asked in a whispering tone; climbing into the crate.
"I dunno, but I'll figure something out,” Cameron said with an assuring tone, looking directly at me as he lowered me down into the crate.


You don't need to repeat the 'tone' word, how about "Cameron said assuringly" instead?


Lionel:
I freaking buses my insides were screaming as Rex and I helped Violet get into the crate. It was then that I noticed how short the skirt she was wearing really was. Rex noticed me staring and shot me a warning glance. It looked as if he had already claimed her. I erased the thought from my mind. Here I am getting kidnapped and all I can think about is Violet's short skirt?


That sentance needs a full stop at 'hate buses' and it looks like there is too many full stops in the rest of the paragraph. Again, there isn't a set idea of where he starts 'thinking', until you read it a couple of times.




Renee:
"They didn't hurt you did they?" a woman's voice asked. It was then that we noticed the woman sitting in the passenger seat. I looked out the window and saw a man sitting in Lionel's truck; he was starting it up, while talking to Budd. Budd got into the truck and it left us.
"I wouldn't call sitting in a crate forever pleasurable,” Violet snarled.
"True,” she replied with a high-pitched laugh. Cameron rolled his eyes annoyed and made a face.


I imagine that the woman said that in a sarcastic/ voice...why not put "They didn't hurt you, did they?" a woman's voice asked sarcastically.."


Quite interesting, allthough it jumped all over the place. There where quite a few spelling mistakes, and gramma problems. It didn't grab me like the first chapter, and I think it needs a lot more work, but it's getting there :)


I'd like to see the next chapter.
  








That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend