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Young Writers Society


~Waiting~ *Part One* (Sort of musings)



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Sun Aug 14, 2005 12:23 pm
~beautifuldisaster~ says...



We sat in the dark, rat infested underground cellar. It was nearly midnight, or past, so those upstairs had long retired. We were alone. I could hear his gentle moan as he drew the needle to his forearm and inserted it. A small clatter as the needle fell to the cement floor. I flinched, waiting to see if the sudden movement had elicited any movement upstairs. Nothing. Crouching down, I felt around for the syringe. Success! Smiling, I took the cold cloth and wiped it gently against the dark spot on my arm, then proceeded to do the same with the needle. Yes! Perfect. I could feel myself falling into that world - the world I longed for day and night - a gently streaming rainbow of colors - twisting me gently from right to left. Up and down, spinning faster, harder but softer....Perfect! And then suddenly - my perfect world - turned upside down by a hard shove in my right side. "Get up! Now. Their coming! We have to get...out...of...here." He had come out ok and was watching me with gray eyes. Standing, I tried to steady myself on the edge of the chair. Yes, now I could hear them moving faster down the floors, one flight of stairs to the next, faster and faster, they were coming, their voices becoming clearer. His voice yelling louder in my ear, "We have to get out of here! Come on!" Tugging on my arm, shoving me out the door, up the right flight of stairs and into the cold night air. "Your lucky you know," he said, when we had reached the other side of the road and were sitting in the shade. "Your very lucky."

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~beautiful disaster~
  





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Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:10 pm
Rei says...



My reccomendadtion for this is to get a thesaurus. It's a decent start, and you play with tone pretty well, but you use words more than oncewhen you could easily find other words that would make it sound much better. And the first sentence fragmanet doesn't work. It should be a complete sentence.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 1
Sun Aug 14, 2005 9:33 pm
~beautifuldisaster~ says...



haha lol i know it kinda sucks i was just fooling around cuz i was bored.
~beautiful disaster~
  





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685 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 685
Sun Aug 14, 2005 9:49 pm
Rei says...



I know I'm not the best example for this, but you should never say your work sucks, no matter how little effort you put into it. This isn't fabulous, but it's not bad either. Besides, some pretty fascinating stuff can come out of just playing around. Just take a look at the thing I wrote called "Enigmatic Lunatics." :wink:
  








Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis