Young Writers Society

(Ok, this is slightly weird, but it was inspired by a dream I had...I hope its in the right topic )


Swish....swish.... my sandals are the only sound that breaks the silence as we walk along. The corridor is cold and dark, and water drips from between the old crumbling bricks overhead.
A trickle of cold water lands on my neck and I shiver. Reaching for my friend’s hand, I squeeze it gently and its warmth comforts me slightly.
We continue to walk aimlessly down this corridor. The arches in the wall that run alongside us are endless, and we are lost. Lost...in this dreary, wet, never-ending dungeon.

Then, I hear someone walking behind us, and I glance back. As I do so, I put my foot in a bowl of cold grapes that appears in front of me, and I slip and twist my ankle clumsily as I fall. I sit down on the cold wet floor and start to laugh hysterically, half in pain, and half at the ridiculousness of the situation. My friend glances up, fear on his face, and he ducks behind a pillar, so that I can see only the suede toe of his boot sticking out.

“I saw you walking with...” the spy starts to say, coming over to me, then breaks off as I reach up and shove a handful of the grapes into her face, crushing them against her, and the juice runs down my hand.
While she sputters and chokes, rubbing the mangled fruit out of her eyes, I scramble up and limp off, signalling with my hand for my friend to follow me.

Is it just me, or are dreams the hardest things to critique? LOL!

Lost......in this dreary, wet dungeon, that seems never ending.

Too many dots! And you have all these adjectives on front and then an adjective on back. For shame! "Lost in this dreary, wet, never-ending dungeon."

Ok, I changed it

For a dream this is not that confusing, it actualy sort of makes sense. All I can say is good adaptation of a dream.

This is really very cool...very short, too, so there's really not much I can say.

whats with the grapes? I never know what to say about peoples dreams either.

It's okay if it was just inspired by the dream, but if you want to write an actual dream sequence, it needs to be a little more disjointed.

I agree with Rei, dream sequences (if written as a dream) would be more disjointed. However, if this was just inspired by a dream, and you're using it for a short (or long) piece, I would explain a bit more.. such as the grapes. where did they come from? in a dream, things appear, but writing something purely using the dream as inspiration requires more thought than just writing down the dream.

anyhoo, I'll just copy this and put my comments in green.. easier that way. hope this is what you want, and it helps! oh yes, my general things with critiques/edits, feel free to ingore anything I say (unless I threaten to hit you over the head with a bunsen burner, or something) as most of what I say is opinion.


Swish....swish....ack! too many dots, still. three is the standard, I believe, and I think you could get away with two, but more that that, no. also, I would italicize (sp). my sandals are the only sound that breaks the silence as we walk along. The corridor is cold and dark, and water drips from between the old crumbling bricks overhead.
A trickle of cold water lands on my neck and I shiver. Reaching for my friend’s hand, I squeeze it gently and its warmth comforts me slightly. ok, pet peece time. progressive tense (-ing endings). I usually try to avoid using it (not always, but mostly, yes). I would rearrange this in past tense, especially as this is first person, and first person sounds weird in progressive.
We continue to walk aimlessly down this corridor. The arches in the wall that run alongside us are endless, and we are lost. Lost...in this dreary, wet, never-ending dungeon. here, I agree with Snoink. Too many adjectives. also, I would (for sake of sounding more like a dream), fragment your sentences a bit more. so, instead of "endless, and we" I would say "endless. We are", it sounds simpler, and is more direct, while still being vague, like dreams. you remember specific things, but nothing of the context, well, I don't usually

Then, I hear someone walking behind us, and I glance back. sentence nit-pick! (yes, I'm in major overhaul mode here) I would have this be more direct, and start with "I hear footsteps on wet stone. I glance back." something like that, but this falls under the "feel free to ingore mesh's rambling nit-pick" category. As I do so, I put my foot in a bowl of cold grapes that appears apprears out of nowhere, like poof? or was it there, you never noticed it? in front of me, and I slip and twist my ankle clumsily as I fall. adj seem to be modifying the wrong words.. this sounds like you clumsily twisted your ankle, and I think you mean you fell in a clumsy manner, and then twisted your ankle. if you meant a clumssy ankle twist, then leave as is, if not, I would clarify that I sit down on the cold wet floor and start to laugh hysterically, half in pain, and half at the ridiculousness of the situation. My friend glances up, fear on his face, and he ducks behind a pillar, so that I can see only the suede toe of his boot sticking out.

“I saw you walking with...” the spy starts to say, so this person is a spy? how do you know this? if you don't know for sure, say "ther person says", and then say somewhere else she reminds you of a spy, unless she has a giant sign on her head that says "SPY" and you see that, this is out of the blue, and make me think there's another person in this place coming over to me, then breaks off as I reach up and shove a handful of the grapes into her face, crushing them against her, and the juice runs down my hand.
While she sputters and chokes, rubbing the mangled fruit out of her eyes, I scramble up and limp off, signalling with my hand for my friend to follow me.

Thanks, Mesh!!! I"ll have to sit down one day and think about changing it, lol! I understand what you mean. The spy is someone 'I' know, as you will find out later... lol