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Young Writers Society


Changes: Chapter 1



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Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:13 pm
dreaming_mouse says...



I'm not sure if I'm going to post all of this now since its like 106 chapters and that might just take up a bit too much of the board. I'll probably just post bits that I think need the most work on. :oops:

1
Reina
My first experience with vampires was when I was twelve; I lived in a small village with fields surrounding the outskirts. The whole experience is a sort of blur, like a memory you would just love to forget but pieces of it are there and always will be. I remember sitting in my room talking to my older brother and sister, mama and papa were out in the fields harvesting the crops and preparing for the harsh winter that was almost upon us. I watched as the sky darkened, my sister was clutching my hand as the winds picked up. Small pieces of litter rushed past the window caught up in the oncoming storm.

“This is a bad omen,” she whispered, “very bad.” I looked at my brother Joseph nervously, our sister was…a psychic, if she said something bad was about to happen then something bad was going to happen.

“What is it?” I asked nervously brushing my long brown fringe from my eyes, my sister shook her head and let out a small moan of fear.

“I don’t know,” she whispered her face paling of all colour, “Joseph get everyone back from the fields, now.” Without a word he stood up and ran from the room and that was the last time I saw him alive.

“Please Mary-Ann your scaring me,” I whispered in my child’s voice, “please tell me what’s happening!” But Mary-Ann only shook her head, her brown hair that was the same mahogany colour as mine was cropped short and hugged the frame of her face.

My sister and I remained in my room by now I was too scared and I trembled like a leaf caught up in the raging storm outside my window.

“I’m scared Mary-Ann,” I whispered feeling small tears fall down my cheeks, “I want mama, I want papa.”

“Ssh,” Mary-Ann said stroking my hair gently, “they’ll be back soon.” Someone screamed outside and I jumped up to peer out of my window but Mary-Ann grabbed my elbow with surprising strength and pulled me back.

“What’s happening?” I cried again as she closed the ragged curtains that hid my room from view before I could ask again Mary-Ann had clapped a hand over my mouth her face had gone as white as a sheet. I could feel a cold sweat breaking out on her hands and beads of it trickled down my chin mixing with my tears of fright.

“Reina I want you to be a good girl can you do that?” I nodded. “Right…no matter what happens I want you to be brave, I want you to…not grieve over this…can you do that?” She took her hand away from my mouth so I could speak now.

“Why? What’s happening?” She fished a cloth out of her pocket and wiped my teary eyes with it like she had done when I was a small child.

“I told you I don’t know,” she replied solemnly but I knew she was lying, “Reina…promise me you won’t be frightened? If you’re frightened…it’ll overtake you…” I could tell she was going to carry on, she’d seen something about me. I opened my mouth to protest, to ask her what was going to happen but she cut me off. “Promise me you will be brave Reina.”

“I…I promise.” Mary-Ann kissed my cheek and I flung my arms around her weeping into her soft dress.

“Good girl,” Mary-Ann held me for a few moments before she grabbed my teddy bear of the floor. I loved this teddy; it was the only one I ever possessed. It was small and brown; it had beady black eyes and a button nose. I hugged the bear to my chest; he was my friend, my guardian. As long as I kept hold of him I would be safe.

We sat there for what seemed like hours, finally our parents burst into the tiny house. Both Mary-Ann and I rushed out to see what was happening. I heard mama shout something at my sister and she quickly pushed me back into the room. But not before I saw Joseph, I dropped the small teddy bear. He didn’t even make a sound as he thudded to the floor. Laying in my papa’s arms his neck was torn and bloody. I opened my mouth to scream but Mary-Ann pushed her hand back over it.

“You promised to be brave,” she whispered hoarsely the fear in her eyes had changed to terror and tears were now pouring from them, “keep your promise Reina.” I nodded but I found that hard to do. My brother was in the other room dead and my mama was screaming. I couldn’t stop the tears but at least Mary-Ann didn’t say anything, I think maybe it was all right for me to cry.

Mama came into the room a little while after that she took Mary-Ann aside and demanded an explanation; I strained my ears to listen to what was happening but their voices were inaudible as they bowed their heads close together. Mary-Ann looked terrified as her lips moved soundlessly; I cringed against the wall as she slapped my older sister.

“Get out of my house witch,” mama hissed, “stay away from Reina!”

“Mama don’t!” I cried throwing myself forward. “Mama don’t!” But she was pushing my sister out of the door beating her violently. I glimpsed outside my dirt encrusted window and watched as Mary-Ann joined the crowds of people scattering from some unseen danger. Why aren’t we running? I asked myself glancing back to see mama entering the room; she took me into her arms and rocked me back and forth like I was a small child.

“My little Reina…” She said sadly.

“I’m not little mama,” I said stubbornly, “I’m twelve…Mary-Ann is only fourteen an’ you don’t call her little anymore.”

Shush Reina,” mama’s voice was harsh and I flinched, “that…that witch is not to be mentioned in this house.” She let out an ear piercing scream as my window broke and a group of people lunged into my room. “Run Reina! Run!” I ran, I looked back once and almost screamed but I remembered my promise, I couldn’t break it. I couldn’t disappoint Mary-Ann.

The streets were crowded with terrified people of all ages, they all ran and as I tripped over a bag of grain I managed to see why. Vampires, I had heard about them raiding villages, killing everyone in sight and leading some of to an unknown fate. They looked even fiercer then described, although they had unnatural beauty their features were scarred in a terrifying way. The blood of the innocent stained their mouths, dagger like teeth poked from their upper lips and their eyes burned with a fierce pleasure. I scrabbled to my feet grabbing onto the bag to pull myself up. I ran and ran until my feet hurt from running, stones from the jagged cobbles pierced my soles and the blood mixed in with the dirty water on the ground. I tried not to yelp from pain, I tried not to cry from fear.

I had to stop eventually otherwise my lungs would have burst from the lack of oxygen I was giving them, I looked around wildly for somewhere to hide but there was no where. Only a small darkened alley, taking a risk I decided to lay my life in the hands of this dark alley. I was an idiot to do something like that, but I was so desperate…I would have done anything to get out of the screaming crowds to stop from being bumped about into walls and other people.

Panting I sat on my knees and tried to make sense of what had been happening. Vampires were attacking my village, my home, the last time this had happened had been almost a full moon ago with the next village five miles or more down the road. No one had been left alive in that village; their leaders were found throats ripped open lying in a pool of their own blood. I clutched my own throat dreading the thought of that happening to me.

“Are you lost little girl?” A silky voice came from behind me and I froze. Promise me you will be brave Reina, Mary-ann’s voice rang clearly in my head and I nodded to her mentally.

“I am not a little girl,” I replied stubbornly trying to mask my terror, “and I’m not lost.” I stood up preparing to leave I never should have entered the stupid alley but I would make up for that. I would run and run until my legs dropped off, I would run to the next village and warn them about our terror, I would make them leave so they didn’t have to suffer.

“Shush little girl,” the voice was taunting me; “c’mon now I’ll help you find your way home.”

“I’m not lost!” I screamed desperately. “I’m not lost! I’m not lost!”
Last edited by dreaming_mouse on Sun Aug 28, 2005 11:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:09 pm
Matt Bellamy says...



Ooooh. o.O

I liked the way you built up suspense in this and made the reader ask questions, a good start that makes the reader want to find out more. So just a couple of things:

:arrow: A minor detail, but there were a couple of places where you missed out commas and full stops, so be sure to check it over.

:arrow: The way this was written sounds a little like Reina is telling someone her story, face to face, if you know what I mean. Actually, in some places it does, in others it doesn't. Hmm okay I'm confusing myself here, I'm not saying it's a bad thing but it does sound quite conversational.

:arrow: Reina says she manages to see the vampires when she trips over. At that point I felt a bit of description wouldn't go amiss, I'm sure you describe them fully later on, but maybe just a little bit of description to give us a taster, sort of whet our appetites?

I'd quite like to see some more of this story, good work :)
Matt.

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Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:14 pm
dreaming_mouse says...



Thanks for the Matt! I will go over and put in the commas and fix the grammar in a bit, but it's always been my weak spot - damn grammar! I'm not sure what parts aren't clear about where she's telling the story to someone and when she's not, perhaps you could give me an example and then I could iron out the rest? How does this sound for your third comment?
The streets were crowded with terrified people of all ages, they all ran and as I tripped over a bag of grain I managed to see why. Vampires, I had heard about them raiding villages, killing everyone in sight and leading some of to an unknown fate. They looked even fiercer then described, although they had unnatural beauty their features were scarred in a terrifying way. The blood of the innocent stained their mouths, dagger like teeth poked from their upper lips and their eyes burned with a fierce pleasure. I scrabbled to my feet grabbing onto the bag to pull myself up. I ran and ran until my feet hurt from running, stones from the jagged cobbles pierced my soles and the blood mixed in with the dirty water on the ground. I tried not to yelp from pain, I tried not to cry from fear.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2005 11:49 pm
hekategirl says...



Same with what Matt said about the missing some commas, and their was also one place where it was awkward to read:

"We sat there for what seemed like hours, finally our parents burst into the tiny house. Both Mary-Ann and I rushed out to see what was happening. I heard mama shout something at my sister and she quickly pushed me back into the room. But not before I saw Joseph, I dropped the small teddy bear. He didn’t even make a sound as he thudded to the floor. Laying in my papa’s arms his neck was torn and bloody. I opened my mouth to scream but Mary-Ann pushed her hand back over it."

I think it should be:

“Good girl,” Mary-Ann held me for a few moments before she grabbed my teddy bear of the floor. I loved this teddy; it was the only one I ever possessed. It was small and brown; it had beady black eyes and a button nose. I hugged the bear to my chest; he was my friend, my guardian. As long as I kept hold of him I would be safe.

We sat there for what seemed like hours, finally our parents burst into the tiny house. Both Mary-Ann and I rushed out to see what was happening. I heard mama shout something at my sister and she quickly pushed me back into the room. But not before I saw Joseph, I dropped the small teddy bear. He didn’t even make a sound as he thudded to the floor. Laying in my papa’s arms was Joesph his neck torn and bloody. I opened my mouth to scream but Mary-Ann pushed her hand back over it.

And you loose a 'was' that way too. But this is a FANTASTIC story, the imagry is great. But I didn't really like the thing about the Teddy Bear, it seemed cliche-ish and un-needed.
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

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Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:22 am
Matt Bellamy says...



Good description you added there DM, you seem to have a knack for it. Places that seemed a bit conversation-ish:

Okay now that I look I can't find many examples, but, "our sister was…a psychic, if she said something bad was about to happen then something bad was going to happen." I think the dots make this sound like that, because it gives the impression of a pause in speech. That's all I can find today.
Oh, and I agree with Hekate about the bear-it does seem a little cliche.
Matt.

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Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:41 am
dreaming_mouse says...



It might do but it kinda has an important role in the story :oops: it's not something I just added because I was staring at the teddy on my desk...not that theres one there now :roll:.

"our sister was…a psychic, if she said something bad was about to happen then something bad was going to happen." I think the dots make this sound like that, because it gives the impression of a pause in speech.
There's supposed to be a pause because she's trying to be thinking about the word she needs but do you think it would be better if it was taken out?

Thanks for critting guys -x-
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:46 am
Matt Bellamy says...



If she's telling the story out loud then that's fine but it's not something you normally see if something's just been written down.

Anytime you need a critique, honey :)
Matt.

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Mon Aug 29, 2005 3:47 am
Snoink says...



AHH! WHY DO YOU TYPE SO SMALL??????????????

*grumbles and copies and pastes it on Word*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon Aug 29, 2005 4:29 am
Snoink says...



Okay, I've looked it over. I'm not going to bother you with all the grammar mistakes, but I will tell you this. You have a lot of comma splices or places that are missing commas. Look for them carefully and change it to achieve a smoother effect.

Now, I'm assuming this story has something to do with the "Changes" prologue. I think. I say I think because if this was in a book, I wouldn't expect the prologue and this chapter to be together. I suppose this means that the prologue and chapter 1 don't go together, eh? ;)

But at the same time, these seem to be two completely different stories. And they don't seem to connect well.

That and the grammar aside, this story flows fairly well. There are only a couple of problems that I can see. For one, I don't like this sentence: "Laying in my papa’s arms his neck was torn and bloody." Who? I think it might be Joseph, but it's in the passive tense and doesn't seem to fit there well.

And the ending with Reina talking to the silky voice needs to be described better. Does she turn around? I would. What does the guy look like? Perhaps this is Damien.

Also, the characters don't seem too developed. The dialogue doesn't seem to fit with the 12 year old girl image of Reina. Sam on YWS is twelve years old. Do you think she would say the things Reina did? I dunno... it just doesn't seem to fit. Tweens can be remarkably deep, but their dialogue here seems to make them look childlike. Perhaps I'm being too cruel (I probably am) but it doesn't seem to fit.

And I suppose that's it.

Now, you may be wondering why this is shorter than my previous one. (Perhaps my fingers are getting tired?) Mostly because the thing that bugged me most was the transition between the prologue and this. It seems like two different stories and the two stories, while meshing somewhat, don't have a seamless transition with one to another. Perhaps you've noticed this?

Hope that helped!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World