Young Writers Society

This is rated for later chapters.

This is my latest work, while I should be doing other stuff, but don't ideas always come to you during these times? Anyway Constructive critisism is what I really want. Chapter 2 is the Explanation if you like. I suppose you could call this a Prolouge. Anyway, Enjoy!

Dying in your arms.

Revised Version



Dying in your arms.

Prologue- Revised.

It was peaceful here. Rays of sun reflecting on the pearly white petals of the daisies. I just stood there. I knew it wasn’t real. Nothing in life was this perfect, this peaceful. Even so, I didn’t want to leave. Real life was bad. Why would I have wanted to leave? If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here. No. Staying there would have been suicide.

For whatever the reason I left that place. I felt myself leave to wonderful pits of my imagination and awake to the cold harshness of the real world. I woke up, if you’re wondering. Getting out of my warm bed, I left the place I used to call home. Walking among the hills towards the river, that’s where I first heard it. A deafening scream. Then another. Another. I had ran back as fast as I could but I was too late.

The village was in flames. My house was in flames. “Toki!” “Mother?” I whispered, looking towards the source of my name. My mother was there, my father too, both being pulled away from me. I couldn’t think of anything else. I went inside the house and got my father’s sword, drawing it before I could even realise I was trapped inside a burning building.

Did I get out? Of course I did! Jumping out the top window, I made my escape. From my house that is. There was no escape from the village that night. As soon as I had jumped from the window, two of them were on me. They came towards me, yielding their sub-standard weapons, no real training. Not that they needed it. Our village is peaceful, we would not expect an attack. I unsheathed my sword as soon as I got up, after all I had just jumped out of a second story window, and it had not been a soft landing.

I dispatched them quickly using a single stroke of my fathers sword and run after the men that had my parents. They were already gone however. I had failed. Soon after another man came towards me. He was different from the others. I could sense something from him. He was evil. Pure evil. He yielded two blades, unlike the others in every way, they were finely crafted and were yielded with great precision. I was no match for him. I was on the floor in seconds. Everything had gone black, blank. It seemed only seconds ago I was in the daisy filled field, in the perfect life. A thud brought me to the present. Someone had hit me. I was still conscious, but barely. I knew what to do. Using my last ounce of strength, I thrashed with my sword.

I met flesh in seconds. There was a scream and a gasp of surprise. I was on my feet. “You fight well” spoke a voice. It was the man of pure evil. “My father trained me well” I replied. “Very” spoke the cold, emotionless voice.

I knew He could retaliate in seconds so I ran. I ran as far as I could. Past the river, over the hills to the mountain. There was no pursuit, but my father had taught me never to take things for face value. He had taught me never to give up. And I wouldn’t. My journey had begun. Things would have been so much simpler if I had remained asleep, in that perfect, daisy filled field. I wouldn’t be here, carrying this burden.
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Yes, this is definitely more of a prologue than a first chapter. It's a fine place to start a story, and the character felt very real, but it has its problems

My main critizism is that it lacked focus. It seemed like you were jumping all over the place, so it was hard to follow. Draw it out a little more. Slow down. This is about a page and a half, but it could easily expand it to five or six at least. In fact, your first two paragraphs could be could be a full page. The tone is created very well in those paragraphs, but you could do so much more with it. If you decide to revise it, try plotting it out first so it flows smoothly from one event to another.

"I woke up, if you're wondering." Didn't really like the "if you're wondering" part. It doesn't sound very good, and seemed to go against the tone of the piece. There were a couple of points like that. While you should use past verb-tense, write it as though it's happening right now, not after it's happened. That way the action and drama will feel more immediate, and will impact the reader in a much stronger way. I mean, if you write it in such a way that implies everything turned out all right, it kills the tension, regardless of what is happening.

One other point that really stands out to me is when Toki jumps out the window. How high is the window, and how does s/he land? Does s/he hurt herself and if not, how can s/he jump like that and land on his/her feet so easily?

Overall, good work, but needs more detail and a heightened sense of drama.

I really like your story so far, and I am really looking forward to the next chapter, but there are just a few things..

They came towards me, yielding their sub-standard weapons, no real training. Not that they needed it. Our village is peaceful, we would not expect an attack. I dispatched them quickly and run after the men that had my parents.

How did he/she dispatch them? With the sword? And is it a he or a she? Thats pretty inportant for my imagenation to get a picture..

“My father trained me” I replied. “Very” spoke the cold, emotionless voice.

Very? Very well trained? Very what?

And what Rei said about the window. How tall is the house? Because a fall from a top window is gennerally not ignored.

I hope I don't sound mean or nasty or evil, saying all this stuff, but you said you wanted coments... Sorry if I do.
PLEASE HURRY UP AND WRITE CHAPTER TWO!!! (:p)

And now, Chapter 1- it's a bit shorter than last time, but I hope to make my next one longer, after all, I now have the holidays to finish this story in!:


Chapter 1- Introducing Myself

I suppose, if I’m to tell you my story, you’ll want to know about me? Fine, but it’s not an interesting tale.

My full name is Tokishuma Hatinka. My friends and family call me Toki. I’m 5”2’, and of slim build. I’m a woman. If you didn’t hear me correctly, or you are too bound by your own prejudice towards my sex, I’m a woman.

I apologize if I am being rude in any way. In my village, the men are treated much fairer than us women. We can’t even go out of the house without covering out face. Men can pick and choose who they want and we wouldn’t have a say in the matter. We can’t say no, we have no freedom. That’s what made my family so special. My father had always been against the old ways. He allowed my mother to say ‘No’ to his advances, or to disagree with his judgment. I suppose it’s him I got my rebellious nature from.

In my village, the men are trained to defend themselves, while the women are taught to wash, cook and be a good wife. Again, my father was different. He promised that as long as I kept up with my duties as a woman, he would teach me the art of a sword.

In all honesty, the swords are just for show. A long lost image of how our people should be. We once served the emperor of our land- Lord Nagitya, however; we failed him and he was assassinated by a rogue group of extremists. The following emperor would not entrust his safety with us. Nevertheless, we continued to watch over him, in secret, foiling the attempts of the extremists time and time again- but never by force. That was something we would not do.

Our village was a secret, we thought. But they found us. They had sought out their natural enemies and exterminated them by force. Nothing was left. They had taken the survivors and left the rest. And now the emperor was in danger. Nothing stood in the way of his assassination apart from one thing. Me.

I was on my way to the Capitol of our kingdom- Nyobak. I was hoping for an audience with his honor. Traveling miles over the plains, the hills and the mountains, I had finally found my destination. With an uncertainty in my step, I set out for the castle, and my new found destiny.