Young Writers Society

Prologue
I tried to block the screams of the young girl from my mind as I darted out of the kitchen. Tears blurred my vision as I ran through the large hallway, my bare feet pounding on the marble floor. In my mind all I could see was her flinching in agonising terror as the vampire who stood over her dealt blow after blow to her frail body.

I stopped on the second floor of the huge mansion, my “home”, and leant against a wall trying to calm my shaking nerves. After three hundred years nothing in this godforsaken place had changed. Nothing. I set the mug of tea I was carrying down on the floor and wiped my eyes on my pale blue sleeve.

Get a grip, I told myself as I heard footsteps approaching; you didn’t really think anything would have changed did you? I waited for the footsteps to fade away so that I could carry onto my room without confrontation.

I continued up to my room once I was sure my emotions were under control, I didn’t want Damien to know something was bugging me. If I told him what was wrong he would feel bad for bringing me back here, but this was his home after all. I didn’t want him to feel bad for having a home, he deserved one after all. I paused outside the large oak door to our room and wiped my tear blurred eyes trying not to think how long it would be before we could leave again. I didn’t want to rush Damien, this was his home…he didn’t even have to leave it. It was only because of me he would leave for so long.

When I opened the door I smiled and walked over to the bed where Damien was perched on the cream coloured bedspread with it's intricate golden celtic pattern. Beside him on the floor were his calf length soft leather boots and littered across the floor were the clothes we wore in the outside world. Mine were neatly piled up in a corner ready to be sorted for washing or storing, his were just thrown around in disarray. I looked around the room, this felt slightly like home - the walls were a friendly cream colour just like the carpet, oak furniture was placed neatly in the room. Two chest-of-drawers, one littered with Damien's art gear and the second with creams and soaps. In the middle of the room in front of the large window was an oak coffee table which at the moment had a pair of his jeans from the outside world tossed carelessly across it.

“You live like a pig,” I laughed handing him his tea, “can’t you learn to clean up a bit?” He accepted the mug and flashed me a teasing smile, his fangs poking out from his upper lips. I looked away briefly, like all the other vampires he walked around with those things on full view.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled setting the mug down and pulling me close, “I…I thought you’d be okay after all this time…” I moved so that I was sandwiched between him and the wall, I had always done this – it made me feel safer. As if Damien was protecting me, hiding me from all the evil.

“I am okay…” I lied closing my eyes and trying not to think about the girl getting beaten. He lay down and pulled me with him, wrapping his arms around me securely. “I know what you’re thinking,” I said as he bent his head and kissed my lips tenderly.

“You don’t want to?” I shook my head and blushed, he smiled and kissed me again but left it at that. “Will you at least tell me what’s wrong?” I sighed and buried my head into his side.

“Nothing is wrong; I’m just tired from all the travelling.” I knew he didn’t believe me but I was thankful that he left it at that. If he persisted I probably would have broken down and told him everything and who knew where that would lead. It was best that I relived my memories alone, sighing I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. I tried not to think about the past that I had longed to forget…

It felt like you were too eagar to get the story going. In your first paragraph, you tell us that this is a story with vampires. That sets up certain expectations. In a good vampire story, tone and atmosphere are essential. Here, no time is taken to enjoy that. You tell us that this person was killed by a vampire, then we just forget about it. If you take out that first paragraph, it wouldn't change the rest of the story. Think of how your choice of words and use of language and sentence structure influence the emotions felt while reading it, as well as how it feels (different from emotions) overall. Play with it. Have fun. Give us lots of dark, grusome images. Think of how a vampire enjoys its victims, and the horror that can create for anyone watching.

She's GOOD. No really, good. Rei, you got it.

I liked it though. (Nevermind that I've read most of it already, lol)

I really like this. Its short and fast paced and confuseing. I haven't read any other vampire stories, so I dont know the standard, but it seams really good. It would be cool it you added more descriptions though, like what does the mansion look like?

I concur with all above statements, but I think the final suggestion can be stressed somewhat.
In my humble opinion, when it comes to descriptions, either they shoudl all be there, or there should deliberately be little. But either way, it should be a concsious choice. In other words, read stuff over a trillion times, and pay attention to whether people, mansions, coffee tables, etc are getting an equal amount of description and recognition.
Think about it, you dont want people drifting over one of your favourite parts because there wasnt enough detail to make it register in their mind and stick around.

GRAMMAR

I know what you're thinking now. "I have this story that needs help, and the first thing that Snoink is paying attention to is the grammar before she even comments on the story???" Yep.

If I explain the grammar mistakes very simply, this doesn't mean that I think you a dunce. On the contrary! I just love making really completely boring things simple, so you only have to read it once and you understand it. Plus I can't seem to write anything completely obtuse with out jamming my fingers. See? It works for both of us.

The Dread Comma Splice

The biggest grammar mistake had to be the dreaded comma splice. Now, what is a comma splice? Sometimes two different sentences are combined with "and" or "but" to combine the different ideas into one sentence. Other times, commas can be used to combine the sentence. "She loves me, don't you think?"

Unfortunately, the comma sometimes is used incorrectly to link ideas together. That's called a comma splice. So when you say, "I continued up to my room once I was sure my emotions were under control, I didn’t want Damien to know something was bugging me." Well... it's not really correct.

What are some other ways you can say it?

"I continued up to my room once I was sure my emotions were under control, as I didn’t want Damien to know something was bugging me."

"I continued up to my room once I was sure my emotions were under control, since I didn’t want Damien to know something was bugging me."

"I continued up to my room once I was sure my emotions were under control, because I didn’t want Damien to know something was bugging me."

But then you say to yourself, "But that's awkward!" And it is. But that's why we have a semicolon.

The semicolon is your best friend, though most writers don't know it yet. It creates a grand tension, a pause, and when a reader sees it, it stops them in their tracks and makes them cogitate about the meaning of your use of a semicolon. This can make a really nice effect to your story, and I suggest it.

Other comma splices in the story:

"I didn’t want him to feel bad for having a home, he deserved one after all."

"Mine were neatly piled up in a corner ready to be sorted for washing or storing, his were just thrown around in disarray. "

There's a couple of others, but that's enough to start.

Not Enough Commas

Hopefully you're not too confused by now. I mean, here I am, telling you to take out some of your commas, and now I say you don't have enough!

You insert a comma when you feel yourself breathing slightly while you read the story. Not a big breath, but a very quick breath. Almost as if you pause slightly before you continue reading. Therefore:

"If I told him what was wrong he would feel bad for bringing me back here..."

should be:

"If I told him what was wrong, he would feel bad for bringing me here..."

There's also another reason why a comma should be there. It's an if then statement. "If Snoink is a dancing puppet, then I'm going to kill her." The comma would be there also. Many times, the "then" is omitted though.

There's also another one.

"In the middle of the room in front of the large window was an oak coffee table which at the moment had a pair of his jeans from the outside world tossed carelessly across it."

should be:

"In the middle of the room in front of the large window was an oak coffee table, which at the moment had a pair of his jeans from the outside world tossed carelessly across it."


Eep! That's the end with the grammar lesson, I got to go now, but style is coming up!

STYLE

Okay, first of all, the grammar stuff above was just how things are. This is me being a little nitpicker. So feel free to ignore any of the advice given.

The Introduction

Er... I don't really like these two paragraphs. I've italicized everything I don't like. Can you see why?

I tried to block the screams of the young girl from my mind as I darted out of the kitchen. Tears blurred my vision as I ran through the large hallway, my bare feet pounding on the marble floor. In my mind all I could see was her flinching in agonising terror as the vampire who stood over her dealt blow after blow to her frail body.

I stopped on the second floor of the huge mansion, my “home”, and leant against a wall trying to calm my shaking nerves. After three hundred years nothing in this godforsaken place had changed. Nothing. I set the mug of tea I was carrying down on the floor and wiped my eyes on my pale blue sleeve.

Okay. So I can understand the running from something she doesn't like. But really! She must be an awesome balancer, because she's able to run everywhere, her feet pounding, all the while holding a mug of hot tea. The descriptions you give above are those of motion. Her feet pound against the floor. I can feel the vibrations now. When feet pound, it's an almost clumsy motion. I believe she is so distraught from whatever she's seen, that she cannot bear to see it and instead runs.

But the tea...

Right now, you have the running theme, which is fine, except for that tea. Even so, it seems a little qwkward, because you go to the running to the emotionless scene. And it seems a little forced. I suggest a different approach. Now, and this is hard for some writers, but I think you could pull it off quite nicely.

The first scene is not a memory. It is. She has a cup of tea and is walking down the hall, but then, through an open door, she sees a vampire beating this girl. And she is terrifed of it. But, the only thing she does is hold the mug in one hand and close the door with the other. Then she walks quickly away from the scene before setting down the tea. And then the rest goes as follows.

Why would I suggest that? It seems to go with the "silent screaming" part of the story. The only two paragraphs which aren't like that are the first paragraphs. This would introduce the girl's plight quite nicely and give more description about the house without giving anything away. Plus, since it is like the rest of the story, it might flow better.

Repetition

First of all, this is the error I am famous for. Repetition. You will be glad to know that you aren't as guilty as I am of this crime, but these sentences come close.

If I told him what was wrong he would feel bad for bringing me back here, but this was his home after all. I didn’t want him to feel bad for having a home, he deserved one after all.

Now, I don't mind it, but then again, I'm the one who uses "the freak" ten million times in her first chapter. So... I'm probably not the best person to go to for that. I'll give you the advice of one of my critiquers. Try to do some some literary gymnastics and change the words around.

Strange Sentence

I'm not quite sure what to make of this sentence, but it sounds incredibly awkward. Perhaps you can look at it and see what you can do?

I looked around the room, this felt slightly like home - the walls were a friendly cream colour just like the carpet, oak furniture was placed neatly in the room.

The Almost-Love Scene

“You live like a pig,” I laughed handing him his tea, “can’t you learn to clean up a bit?” He accepted the mug and flashed me a teasing smile, his fangs poking out from his upper lips. I looked away briefly, like all the other vampires he walked around with those things on full view.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled setting the mug down and pulling me close, “I…I thought you’d be okay after all this time…” I moved so that I was sandwiched between him and the wall, I had always done this – it made me feel safer. As if Damien was protecting me, hiding me from all the evil.

“I am okay…” I lied closing my eyes and trying not to think about the girl getting beaten. He lay down and pulled me with him, wrapping his arms around me securely. “I know what you’re thinking,” I said as he bent his head and kissed my lips tenderly.

“You don’t want to?” I shook my head and blushed, he smiled and kissed me again but left it at that. “Will you at least tell me what’s wrong?” I sighed and buried my head into his side.

“Nothing is wrong; I’m just tired from all the travelling.” I knew he didn’t believe me but I was thankful that he left it at that. If he persisted I probably would have broken down and told him everything and who knew where that would lead. It was best that I relived my memories alone, sighing I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. I tried not to think about the past that I had longed to forget…

This brings forth certain questions. What does she have against showing fangs? It has to do with the girl, but if she loves this vampire (which certainly seems to be the case) then why does she hold that against him?

This whole passage can be made better with more description. Don't be afraid to describe!

Characters

The main character (I think she's a she, but I could be wrong!) reminds me eerily of some people who, at the moment, I am ready to kill. She is indecisive, but she cares, and will go to all lengths to do whatever she needs to do. She sacrifices, and when can sacrifice no more, she stays silent. She loves Damien, but at the same time she is so confused by him that the love seems to be a frail sort of love where one dominates and one is the subordinate. She is the subordinate. When a wave of hopelessness comes over her, she tends to block it out and only look at the good things. For instance, when she talks about Damien in his house, she says that he does not deserve to get moved out. Even though she doesn't like the house, she comforts herself in the fact that Damien likes it, therefore she will like it also. Or, if she cannot learn to like it, she will stay silent.

Damien seems to be clueless in respect to her. He loves her dearly, which can be seen when he holds her tight, but when she says no, he backs away. In a way, she forces him to be a gentleman and he respects that dearly. Perhaps he views her as a contact of humanity when he is surrounded by cruelty. Who knows? He is not keen on her being silent, which is seen when he asks her what is wrong. He is no fool and he knows something is up, but he cannot understand her because she will not open up to him. Perhaps he has never known a time where she has opened up, or maybe he has forgotten it since it was so long ago. This frustrates him because he does love her, but since he is the gentleman, he will not do anything to make her uncomfortable.

Kind of miserable, eh?

This is a Prologue?

I don't think this should be a prologue. This is more like chapter 1. When I read Chapter 1, I'll tell you whether you should reconsider changing this from a prologue to chapter 1.

Final Thoughts

Too often, we perfectionist writers have some sort of complex where we think anything we write, if it isn't perfect, must be alarmingly bad. It's strange that we write our stories in shades of gray, but think of our stories in terms of black and white. With that said, the story is not as bad as you think. Fix up the introduction, and you'll have a winner.

Er... this isn't really a prologue.

This is simply a flashback.

The problem is that flashbacks aren't necessarily prologues. While prologues involve the past, it is usually written in the past tense in the entirety. There is no fast-forward into the present in a prologue. Since you did fast forward it to the present tense, you have done a flashback, which would be just fine for Chapter One.

*Slays Prologue with the Warleader*

Except that just because you don't say it doesn't mean it's not there. The characters should seem fully formed right from the start, whether you say it or not. They should be complete in your mind already. If there's stuff missing in your knowledge of the character, whether you say it or not, it will result in weak, underdeveloped characters.

If they're done in your head, then what is preventing you from explaining them on paper? Maybe Rei told you were she was having problems?

You could keep the prologue, but I would seriously recommend against it. The prologue is in the format of a first chapter, to make it a proper prologue would take a great deal of revision.

Either you make the revisions or make it a part of the first chapter. I'm just saying that if you keep it as it is now, the reader will get confused, which is not good. You want a clear and broad overview of the events preceding the story when you are talking about a prologue. In my opinion, it doesn't do any of this. The story has about one paragraph regarding the past, the rest is in the present.

Consider you have nine paragraphs and only one of them talks about the events preceding the book. For a first chapter, this is just fine.

For a prologue, it is grossly irresponsible. All paragraphs in a prologue are written in the past tense, or of past events at least.

Sorry, this is slayed.

Here is what it comes down to. You know how it didn't fit in chapter one? It sure as heck doesn't fit here. You are using the prologue like you would the first chapter. What ends up happening when you do this is that the prologue and chapter one undermine each other so neither chapter one or the prologue work!

And I have put them down on paper just not right in the opening - this is a long story if I put everything about the characters right in the opening then it would just take out a lot from it.

In my stories, I never tell my readers everything about my characters right off the back. If you have a long story, sprinkle information about the characters over the entire story. That way, it shows the reader how your character grows while at the same time you don't overwhelm them with every little detail about them in the first chapter.

There is no rule anywhere which says the reader should no everything about the character immediately.

I know you don't like editing, judging by your refusal to do so here. If you don't edit this, you might end up having to do a lot of useless editing later. This is a lot to transition into Chapter One, but this is nothing compared to writing your story over because it doesn't seem right.