Young Writers Society

He was a tall man, but broad. He was around fifty, so in all natural light, his once gleaming chestnut hair (which was now pulled back into a silk ribbon) has begun to fade, leaving patches in his beard. On his shoulders, he wore a cape which drifted to his lower back, a navy blue to represent his army. His large, pale hands were folded in a triangular position, just touching his chin. His eyes were folded toward the subject across from him. She was watching him, unblinkingly, her gray green eyes cutting into his conscience like a knife into stale bread.

"Beatrice," he said finally, his voice rough and graveled from lack of sleep, "I do not have all day. I am a busy man, if nothing else. Please, commence."

A minute or so passed, the same silence evoked by his lack of energy and her careful choice of words.

"Have you considered revoking what you said earlier? Letting me go to school anyway, get an education?" He was silent for a moment, careful to avoid the landmines which seemed to be his daughters conscience.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. The profession of law is a mans job. The court room is no place for a woman. If you mustn't accept Benjamin's offer, than you should find yourself a suitable Career benefiting your experiences and gender."

The young girl opened her mouth to reply to this ever tedious response, but her father spoke first. "Benjamin is a busy man. He has much to do and many woman would long to be his wife. If you are so conceded to refuse his offer, than off with you. You shall become a nurse maid or hired help."

Beatrice stopped for a moment and took a short look around her fathers office. Tall, chestnut shelves lined the rough brick walls. Light shone through the grates in the fire, sending black shadows through the first pink rays of dawn which trickled through the half open window. Snow fell non stop outside, lining the once green country side with white. Through the weather, Beatrice could see several blue coated men patrolling the area, their faces hidden under matching coloured broad hats, nudging their thick blooded stallions in the side with sharp cutting spurs.

"Very well than father. If you so wish, I shall leave."

Her father nodded. "That would be best."

I liked that. It was well written, and aside from a few spelling errors and missing apostrophes, gramatically correct. You have just enough description and dialogue, neither overpowering the other. And you left out just enough detail to have me wanting more. Keep up the excellent work! I look forward to reading more of this.

Your story is really discriptive and interesting. I cant wait for the next part! One thing though, how can eyes fold?

I have a couple suggestions.

"He was a tall man, but broad." - being broad isn't conflicting to being tall. I am not sure if "but" is the proper word there.

"He was around fifty, so in all natural light, his once gleaming chestnut hair (which was now pulled back into a silk ribbon) has begun to fade..." - there is a tense shift there. "has" should be "had" . Unless you carry on with the brackets.

"On his shoulders, he wore a cape which drifted to his lower back, a navy blue to represent his army." - this needs to be fixed because there are two sentences there. ie. On his shoulders he wore a cap which drifted to his lower back. It was a navy blue to represent the army he was loyal to.

"Tall, chestnut shelves lined the rough brick walls." - unnecessary comma use.

Now that I got those out of the way.....Everything else was freakin amazing!!! That was absolutely wonderful dialogue, and both characters were developed nicely through the use of the metaphors. You are very very good, I am watching you, I want more of this, and fast.
Surprisingly stunning imagery as well.
Good show, cheers.