Young Writers Society

I glanced at Bevan, wondering what he was thinking about. I was thinking about the city. As always I wondered what it held that could be so dangerous, so forbidden.
Bevan looked up to meet my gaze, and smiled.
“We’ll never know Astrid,” he said with silent amusement. “They don’t want us to know.”
“I will know,” I said stubbornly.
The village was quiet this early in the morning. Inhabitants of Sage Barrow never stepped out of their houses until the sun has fully risen. We were late today. The dawn light played merrily on the thatched roofs of Sage barrow. A few chickens clucked by on the dirt road, scrounging the ground for dropped seeds. Yew trees lined the path and little flowerbeds were set beside it.
I knew Diya would scold and give me a speech for being out before dawn, but a much worse punishment was in store for Bevan. His father was a retired warrior. He was formidable and strict, only popular for his former glory. These days you could only see him at night, skulking around in the village tavern.
I felt guilty, knowing the fault was mine, but he’d pay the price.
As we neared my house I saw his eyes grow weary. I wanted to give him a word of comfort, but I didn’t know what to say.
“Well, bye then,” he said, a shade of resentment in his eyes.
“See you at association,” I said, giving a feeble wave as he walked down the dirt path to his house.

Wow, its just as good as your other ones! I really need to read more of this! Its, how can I put it.... WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.

(To others who think I am crazy, please try and read her other stories on smoke and dust and you will understand why I like this so much)

Thanks Emma

Willow...I know I've commented on this countless times, but you have a very elegant style of writing. And your work is a nice break for us critiquers, having to go through and pick out every grammatical error and whatnot. Well done. I don't think I've read the first one, but I decided to read it because I've read all your other stuff and my conscience was bothering me...

'I glanced at Bevan, wondering what he was thinking about. I was thinking about the city. As always I wondered what it held that could be so dangerous, so forbidden. '

It just doesn't work for me, no offense. You say that she's wondering what Bevan is thinking about, and then never get back to that thought. Not a big issue, so do whatever you think is better for the story as it progresses, but that's my opinion.
[/quote]

As Sam said, yay for proper grammar! Seriously, you have no idea how much of a relief it is not to have to tell you to use commas, dammit!

Just one little nitpick: repetitiveness. Is that a word? Ha ha. It is now. Some examples...

I glanced at Bevan, wondering what he was thinking about. I was thinking about the city. As always I wondered what it held that could be so dangerous, so forbidden.

You use a form of "wondering" twice in this paragraph.

The village was quiet this early in the morning. Inhabitants of Sage Barrow never stepped out of their houses until the sun has fully risen. We were late today. The dawn light played merrily on the thatched roofs of Sage barrow.

Saying "Sage Barrow" twice in just three sentences caught my attention.



Other than that? Nice work. Just these few paragraphs makes me interested in the society you've created. So yay!

I said stubbornly.

dialogue tags are just annoying. remove 'stubbornly' we should know from her words how something was said, let your reader make the story up for themselves.

It's lacking a lot, it doesn't flow and some sentences seem 'strange' also, when is this? where are they? What kind of society is this? there is just a lot that's missing that, if given, would help the reader out a lot. Try to make your sentences flow, they seem real...systematic (for lack of a better word)

The village was quiet this early in the morning. Inhabitants of Sage Barrow never stepped out of their houses until the sun has fully risen.

in the first sentence 'this' seems strange and in the second I'm arguing with 'has' should it be had? I think the tenses are askew...

It's well written, but I agree with 'dette, there's not enough to go on. There needs to be more for us to go on, rather then just a short description, no matter how well written.

Oh and Cassandra, its repetition.

Repetition it is!

And Claudette, Jiggity: from what I understand, she has more of this written...this is just a taster? It's like me giving you a couple paragraphs of a novel and asking you what you think: without getting involved with the plot and characters too much, how does the actual writing look to you?

*Shrug* That's my take on it, anyway.