Young Writers Society

Wow! That was truly amazing! You have a true passion for writing and you can see it in your work. I was hooked by the end of the second paragraph! I'm really glad you PM me so I could read this. I hope you continue writing and posting more of this awesome story!

Hi there Shubhi!

I'm here for a review, as requested. I hope it will be helpful

She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself.

This should not be part of the paragraph since it was Olivia who was speaking previously. Just start a new tag for this one

Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up.

The use of the word 'power' doesn't sit right with me here. I would prefer maybe using either 'determination' or 'will', something like that. Because, the power? I mean, Amanda's tied to a chair and can't defend herself. That's preying on the 'innocent', not using power. To me, anyway.

This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give?

Ok, there are two things wrong with this quote.
First, how could Amanda know Olivia envied her? She couldn't. Olivia only said she had ruined her life. How? Maybe because Amanda stole her bf, stole a pair of shoes, had a better face/body. Anything but envy would first come to mind UNLESS Amanda had noticed the envious looks Olivia sent her way or something, you know?
Second, you said, 'just for some silly reason she was going to give'. DO you know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like the author is speaking through Amanda. How could she know the reason was silly? If to Amanda, whatever reason is silly because let's face it,there could be no good justification for killing her, then you have to say it. But when I read it all I thought was 'well, the author is using a cliché by making Olivia seem nuts and telling us in advance that the reason was silly. ANd it was. BUt you told us in advance that it would be, you know? (if any of this is unclear, please let me know and I will explain it differently)

I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.

This paragraph had me picturing Amanda's hands tied behind her back. Why? Because if they were in front, she would have known whether the ropes left burn marks or not. But then, in the next few paragraphs, she reaches forward to get the gun. So which one is it? Can she see the marks, or are they tied behind her back?

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you

I may be grasping at straws here, but because we don't know much about Olivia, I have to point it out. You know how they say that evil people don't think they are evil? Well, somehow, I just can't picture Olivia knowing she was jealous. What might be a good way of showing us her jealousy is screaming to Amanda, "how could someone like you deserve all that? You are nothing, NOthing! I taught you everything you know, you selfish, ungrateful bitch!' Anyway . . Do you get what I'm saying?

While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.

Don't italicise 'i thought to myself'. Only the thought itself.

Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought

first part needs to be italicized.

“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.People think you are, however you don't fool me I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.

You see, this paragraph you could have included where I mentioned up there, about showing us her jealousy. The good thing with that is that you can give us a clue about Amanda. I mean, we know nothing about her and like it was mentioned before, we should know more before she is written in the first person. But if Olivia calls her selfish and ungrateful and so on, we don't know if Amanda truly is all that or if it's only Olivia demented opinion. BUT during the flashbacks, we'll be able to see how Amanda was, whether she was good or selfish and so on. Gah! Am I making sense?

"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,”

How could she get the role if it was already filled? THis doesn't make sense to me.

I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me.

Ok, how? I mean, you start the sentence, which could be interesting although it doesn't belong in a prologue, then cut it off and she gets killed. Hmm...

Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

Ok, how in the world can she know Olivia's motives? I mean, she's in the first person and the first person only knows her or his own thoughts. Is it because she is dead and she suddenly understands everything? Can she feel/sense Olivia's reasons?


Ok, I hope you didn't find me too harsh. I nag, it is true but I truly think this story has potential. The readers here have love/hate relationships with prologues and I'm surprised no one has mentioned that yet. If not, count yourself lucky, it seems to fit with your story.

Keep one thing in mind; you said you'll do flashbacks. Make sure it is well integrated within the story or it'll just be annoying. We will start to wonder if you have perhaps started the story too late.

I'm glad to see Olivia has went all the way. When we will read the next chapters we will know exactly what she is capable of. I am truly curious to find out what your plans are for her? Is she truly crazy? Was she pushed to the brink? Was Amanda simply a victim or someone who deserved death and much more? Hmm...Intriguing

GOing to read the next chapter now...Tanya

Hey Shubhi!
Wow, this piece has already been throroughly nit-picked, so I shall just give me general comments.
1) Description:
Like peanut has said, prologues can be descriptive. I'm guessing that you were referring to plot description, but its also good if you can find a good balance of imagery description. The prologue was largely based on the thoughts and conversation between the characters, but you can also give us a better visual picture of their actions and the surroundings (you don't have to give too much details if you want location to be secret, of course). This is an important technique to really let your readers experience the story

2) The ending:
Umm, okay, that took me by surprise, haha. I wouldn't advise you too make the ending thought so gigantic, because it seems overly emphasised and too in-your-face. I'd suggest italics

3) Amanda:
For someone who's being held at gunpoint, her tone towards insane Olivia is rather risky, no? Would you be raising your voice in anger at or adopting a demanding tone if someone, regardless whether they know you, is holding you at gunpoint?

4) Olivia:
Just one thing, I know she's insane,
But isn't it rather silly of a person to just drop the gun like that?

5) Overall
Not bad at all! You had a good hook to make readers want to read on
Your challenge would be to effectively convey to us Olivia's state of mind.
She might not be clinically insane, but you've set yourself the task of creating a mentally unsound character. Good luck!

~Meep(:

This is really good. From the very beginning you capture the audience's attention, by starting at the climax.
Just a little thing. At the end when the main character gets killed, you need to make it more dramatic. Instead of The next thing I knew was that I was dead.I think you need to make the character scared or angry, as she has just died and she can see her body and killer.
You then need to start a new paragraph for, I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise.he paradise I had created with my sheer hard work and talent. I was leaving everything behind me.To symbolise that the character is dead and that you are starting a new bit in the story .

But otherwise i enjoyed it a lot.
Please PM me when you have got other chapters.

Jessy Annies said
This is really good. From the very beginning you capture the audience's attention, by starting at the climax.
Just a little thing. At the end when the main character gets killed, you need to make it more dramatic. Instead of The next thing I knew was that I was dead.I think you need to make the character scared or angry, as she has just died and she can see her body and killer.

Thank you Annie. I also wanted to describe and dramatize it more. I will surely do that. Thanks for reviewing.

Hey Shubhi.

Well, everyone's done the the nit picks, I'll just give you a few points.

1.Your style has improved from this and your Mel/Jemima piece.
2.As Meep said, you'll need to focus a little on description of the surrounding and the atmosphere.
3.It's a good prologue, makes me want to read more.
4. I did not like the way you bolded and huge-ed the last lines. It makes a reader skip past lines and read only that.
5.As people have mentioned earlier, your dialogue is stiff. It takes time to get dialogues right, so I would suggest making them non native English speakers.

Anyway, I'm off to read the next xhapter.
~Lava

Thank you Lava.

Well, nothing to correct that hasn't already been corrected! I loved it! Gave me shivers, goosebumps, which is just what I look for in a story.
Well done!!

Thanks! Isha.

I have edited it but I am still not satisfied fully. Will do something more. Then I will PM everyone who helped me with this. Anymore comments?

Hey there! Tis WD here, as requested. ^^ Sorry it has taken me so long. This is coming along--you definitely have some interesting ideas going on here and this has some powerful potential. You already have a lot of great comments here--I'm just going to point out a few things that I think you can do pack more power into your prose. Right now a lot of it is falling flat, and I think you can change this with focusing less on telling and more on specifics images.

I'll explain through a few examples.

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?

All right, your beginning. The part where it is most essential to hook the reader. This beginning falls flat. Why? Because this image is vague! He eyes are full of insanity? What does that look like? Full of hatred? Eyes can be full of tears; they can glow. They can do lots of things, but how can they be full of a certain emotion? The vagueness of this image detracts from the power it could have! I would suggest really thinking about what this looks like. Does her face twist with hatred? Do her eyes look crazed? What other elements of her face and posture suggest hatred and insanity? We need a specific image here. Insanity and hatred are strong enough emotions that they can't just be thrown around in a telling manner.

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter? I am being serious. Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver menacingly. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me.

She twists it menacingly? What does that look like? 'Menacingly' is a very strong adverb, but we have no body language to back it up! Also, she doesn't sound insane or hateful in this dialogue--it doesn't seem frantic. It doesn't fit your earlier description of her.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was.

There's a lot of opportunity to develop the relationship between these two prior to the moment here. Right now, I have no idea how she knows this girl is dangerous or how she doesn't look dangerous. Specifics! A few, specific details speak ten times more powerful than a whole paragraph of vague description! Details are important!

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.

Right now this realization is dry. There's no body language to back it up. How does she feel when she realizes this? I'm not getting much of a feel for your main character here, which makes it difficult for me to sympathize with her! I want a window into her--I need to connect with her to care about her. What does she feel during this? Does she try to squirm away? Help me visualize this!

“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage,not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time . I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure must have left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.

How do you blink in rage? Another moment where the body language isn't sufficient support for a word such as 'rage'.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. It is unbelievable that a person on a mission would drop the gun so easily. Maybe, she was insane. I made a mental note of taking her to a psychiatrist if I survived this confrontation.

This is more like it! Notice how your body language works here! It supports the powerful words; it doesn't just lean on them. This creates a specific, powerful image. Nice job here! More moments like this, please!

I think this demonstrates the problem I had with this beginning. You're using powerful words and emotions, but the body language isn't backing it up! We need more details. You don't need to delve into a whole lot of description for this; we just need specific, concise details that paint the image for us and drag us into your characters! I think working on this will make this beginning a whole lot more powerful! You want to hook the reader straight away if you're going to have a prologue--so make it one of your strongest sections! Really go through the prose and try to visualize and recreate with all your senses what is going on. Pack in the relevant details and this will improve greatly!

I also wonder where your narrator is coming from here. Olivia is the one who just killed your narrator, yes? But if she's dead, how is she telling the story? I'm sure there's a reason behind it, but I'm just curious, and it's something you want to keep in mind as you continue writing this. Narrators are more than just first person tools; it's important to take into account their personality, position and attitude as you write.

You have a pretty good start here! I think working on those details will improve this piece a lot and put you down the road of making this beginning have a more significant impact. Nice start here! Keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

I also wonder where your narrator is coming from here. Olivia is the one who just killed your narrator, yes? But if she's dead, how is she telling the story?

Thanks Writer's Domain for doing this.
Actually. this is an imaginary story so I am telling this from Amanda's point of view. There was a movie in which this happened. I have written this story long before it released though.

I really liked Olivia, she was a really strong character... creepy but strong and interesting. Someone should have told her that it isn't good to bottle things up inside, because it might explode all at once. Anyway I really liked how you made her seem kind of vulnerable at one point and drew her back into the crazy psycho killer.

Thanks L5na2.

Yo,
as such this intro seems to be quite in order. All the elements are there, the nuances though need fine tuning.

“Please tell me you're joking,” I pleaded. Olivia’s eyes were full of insanity and hatred. She wasn't going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her? - unless the protagonist is a cool Victorian opium fiend who has stared into the face of death countless times while exploring Africa and Asia, it sounds utterly improbable, that someone would think in the situation you describe 'what in the world had gotten into her?'. They would think (as an example) 'oh my god, she's not joking', or 'I don't want to die' or something, anything which is more intense.


“You have ruined my life. You stole everything from me....fame, money, lfe..everything,” she spat at me - when someone spits out an angry sentence, it has to be short. Or a short number of short sentences. Once it becomes long and winding, it's no longer spitting out. Perhaps if you move 'she spat at me' to right after 'ruined my life', everything will click together. Now, there are people out there, who have read an ageing and bored Stephen King and believe him when he says that everything should be just 'he said, she said'. Bollocks, you can use anything you want, but you just have to be precise about it.

This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast - this metaphor is still half-backed, you have to bake it fully. In the sense that you are being detailed in the second half - 'like a splinter from a bomb blast', but vague in the first half, just a measly 'hurt'. I think, that if you're going for a metaphor of this sort, you have to balance both halves of the sentence. Like 'this accusation shocked me like a bomb blast', or 'this accusation made my heart hurt like it got hit by bomb shrapnel' or something. If you don't balance this sentence, readers will get the general idea, but the sentence itself will not be a pleasure to read.

This was another proof that she was determined of killing me - I think here the sentence can end with 'determined'.

“I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage, - here we have two issues. One is the previous, like with 'spat at me' - that the phrase uttered does not correspond quite to the mood being described. 'I don't understand. How have I ruined your life?' is not something someone 'barks in rage'. 'Listen here, you piece of crap!' is something someone barks in rage, or 'put down that gun and get the hell out!' or 'are you out of your mind?'
Right, so the described sentence is not a 'bark', it's rather a hapless inquiry. Thus two choices remain: either change the sentence being said to suit the description of it, or change the description of it. Maybe it's not an angry bark. Maybe it's a confused stutter. Or a pleading voice. But! If you do decide to leave it an 'angry bark', then you have to add at least a sentence or two beforehand, to describe how the main protagonist's confusion and fear slowly transforms into anger. Otherwise we have a baffled and afraid person, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, angry barking commences.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed wondering about how much God intends to give you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of this just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you!” she dropped the revolver - here, you have to add two things to cure this bit from being too heavy to read. One - mention who is talking right after 'stole my peace'. Two - mention again that she has finished talking, before she drops her revolver.

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.

I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. - here again, the main protagonist starts behaving like James Bond. She tries to figure out what's going on, reaches for the gun, while her former friend shrieks like a maniac, her friend suddenly stomps down, probably breaking her toes, and she raises an eyebrow? Hehe:) And, the way it is worded, it sounds like she raised her one and only eyebrow.

The role which eventually was mine but went to you. - eventually sounds a bit off, it breaks the rhythm. Perhaps she should say directly 'which should have been mine'.