Mirror Image

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I wake up and try to remember the events of the night before. The last thing I remember was the lights of the club and dancing with some guy, Steve or Stephan, something that starts with an S. I sit up and survey my surroundings. Musty old motel room with a sharp pungent smell, probably mold in the bathroom, defiantly the last place I would have thought I would wake up. Me, a straight A college student majoring in Law at Harvard, this was so not my scene. I push the moth-eaten comforter off me and walk into the bathroom. I splash the water that splashes out of the faucet onto my face and look in the mirror in front of me. Scattered with scratched in graffiti, I look past it at my reflection.


What I see is not the blonde hair blue eyed beauty everyone told me I was all through High School. No, what I see is a scared young woman. Her beautiful blue eyes look empty and hallow. Her beautiful blonde hair has thinned and fallen out in some places leaving patches of skin here and there. Her lips, which used to be plump and pink, are now a dull white as if she has been sucking them in. Her face looks almost lifeless. I look away, scared of the image.


When I look back, the girl is gone. I see my beautiful reflection and touch my fingers to the glass. I let go of my breath, unaware I was holding it. I walk out of the motel room and into the fresh air of Los Angles. I make a vow to myself and to the girl in the mirror. I will never let myself go down the road I was headed. I will hold my head high and hope for the best.
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin




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I think this would be the prolouge, perhaps the epilouge of a book. I like how you wrote
this was so not my scene
. It gives the narrator character. But when the POV changes from first to third, it makes it a little confusing. Or perhaps informative. It could be the young girl describing the other woman, which seems more cohesive.

I was all through High School
The capitalization particularly annoyed me. Also,

are now dull white as if she has been sucking them in
I think that it is a bit repetitive that you say dull, then white. Perhaps instead say "are now a dull white" And the tense is wrong. It should be had been sucking them in.

On the other hand, what I loved about this is the feeling of it. The girl first seems indifferent, then her character is slowly built in this small story of yours. I think, as I said before, it would be a great epilouge or prolouge.




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Musty old motel room... defiantly the last place I would have thought I would wake up.


Looking for definitely here.

Me, a straight A college student majoring in Law at Harvard


This could flow even better as "Me, a straight-A Law student at Harvard." Or even "straight-A Harvard Law student." Point being: if you're going to mention the university later, no need to mention that she's a university student.

I splash the water that splashes out of the faucet


Too much splashing! You've got a whole mess to clean up!

Jokes aside, "splash the water that splashes" is a lot of splashing so close together. Might be nice to change on of those to something else.

Scattered with scratched in graffiti


This is also a bit awkward. "Scratched with graffiti," or "Covered with graffiti," or "Covered with scratches" would probably work better.

What I see is not the blonde hair blue eyed beauty


You could use some hyphens and commas here. "Blonde-haired, blue-eyed" is the proper descriptor.

Thought: Los Angeles? I thought she was at Harvard? Unless she's on Spring Break or vacation or something. Or maybe she already graduated. That bit threw me off a little.

Overall, it's short. Hardly a chapter, but like EP above me said, a good start for a prologue or epilogue. I'm interested to see where this goes.

KF



I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin