Listening to the same music over and over again may be rhythmic, to an extent, but is extremely insane. Seeing that same guy over and over again is like having some gun on your head that never shoots but threatens to do so. Thinking about the same thoughts over and over again is perseverance-testing, though not in a way it ideally should. Expecting to play a ball that’s not in your court is plain childish. And being overcritical about every damn thing in life... is just being ME.
It’s really difficult to digest that only you are the pilot of your life. Others can only guide. Makes me feel so damn lonely. At the end it’s your decision that supersedes. But you always have a choice. Always. You could always run away from a problem, or face it. You can definitely create one... I can vouch for that.
The whole of this summer vacation was just that. I’ve always ignored this mental block in my mind, and it’s been giving me a heck of trouble. It’s like playing hide n seek, and closing your eyes while hiding, hoping that the seeker doesn’t spot you just because you can’t see him. So freaking NAIVE. So I chose to do something about it.
Over the past one month, I swear I’ve grown about a year older. Yeah, that sounds ridiculous. It’s also what my dad says when he’s all tensed about something. But I think it makes sense to me now. ‘Cause you spend so much time just thinking... a normal person would think as much, in a much longer time. And never about such ridiculous issues, I assure you.
I don’t really get it at times... And ‘it’ could refer to any random thought capable of rousing conflict. As someone said, life is difficult stuff (sic;I know that sounds lame, but it’s true). It’s always a Yes or a No. True or False. Accept or Reject... No middle ground (if you ignore the stupid NOT NOW option). Sometimes, it’s not even worth the trouble that goes into making a freaking decision.
May be it isn’t worth making an effort to resolve a seemingly minor issue. But maybe the solution isn’t that farfetched either. Maybe you’re just looking in the wrong place. Or that it’s the wrong time...
It’s these two lines that I read somewhere, in a certain context and they make perfect sense...
Don’t think or judge. Just Listen.
Maybe that’s all I need at the moment, someone to listen to me. No advices. No warnings. No opinions. No consolations. No judgement. No feedback. Okay, a little feedback would do.
Let’s just put the whole story this way...
I’ve been this crazy Harry Potter fan since time immemorial... and it was really sad that the series just recently got over. I went to watch the movie (in English and in 3D on the 3rd day, 3rd row, 3rd seat \m/) with sheer anticipation of something spectacular and a supposedly uncontrollable emotional upheaval. And as the movie did reach its penultimate moments, I could indeed feel myself vehemently trying to control the tears that were swelling up in my eyes. Especially during the one in which Snape dies. ‘Cause the finale was approaching. But when the movie did end, I could feel it all sink in. I knew that the era was over. The story had ended. No remorse. I felt nothing, actually. Just blank.
Moral of the story... I ain’t no Snape. Not as heroic. Not as strong. Not as inspired. Not even close. So I can’t just keep it in within me the entire time. But I don’t really expect anything back either. May be I just want to get it out of my system. Say it out loud. Or write it out. ‘Cause it seems so much more real that way. I know that ..err..it’s not there in me... I’ve known it for a long time. I just don’t realise it. Sorry, didn’t realise it.
