Diaries of a Dead Girl Prelude

October 30, 1980
I saw him exit his house. I shot my hand down to touch the cold, slick metal of the gun in my pocket. I'd been watching him for two months now. There was something I wanted, and he had it.
I watched as the man came closer to me and I silently eased the gun out of my pocket and lifted my gun to point at my victims head. It was a nearly perfect shot and the bullet would easily have enough strength to snap the few branches it had to go through to hit the victim.
I squeezed the trigger and the bullet raced through the brush and hit the victim right in the head. He twitched like a rabid animal for a few minutes then the light left his eyes.
I laughed. Finally. I carried my victim to the near by pond and thrust him deeply into the water. I watched as his body sank out of sight. I only had one more Freaker to go.
I smiled and felt no guilt at all, for all I was a spirit on Earth collecting souls, doing two things and once.

I noticed a few grammatical errors, and I'll point them out here. I'll also add a few different word choices.

vanillavampire99 wrote:October 30, 1980
I saw him come from his house. Maybe "I saw him exit his house." I shot my hand down to touch the cold, slick you could add "reassuring" metal of the gun in my pocket. I'd been watching him for two months now. There was something I wanted, and he had it.
I watched as the man came closer to me and I coaxed the gun, silently, out of my pocket and to stop pointed at him. The fluency of this sentence seems a little off to me. Maybe change "...I coaxed the gun, silently, out of my pocket..." to "...I silently eased to gun out of my pocket..." I don't get the line, "...and to stop pointed at him." I don't know much about guns, but you could change this to, "I slowly raised the gun, pointed it at his head, and pulled to trigger." It was a nearly perfect shot and the bullet would easily have enough strength to snap the few branches it had to get through to hit the target. Change "...the bullet would easily have enough strength to snap the few branches it had to get through to hit the target..." to "The bullet easily had the strength to the few branches it had to pass through on it's path toward the victim's head."
I squeezed the trigger and the bullet raced through nad I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be "and." hit the victim right in the head. He twitched like a rabid animal for a few minutes I think if the bullet hit his head, it would be more like a few moments then the lgiht light went from his eyes. If you want to add detail, say what color his eyes are. For example, "The light faded from his clear, blue eyes."
I laughed. Finally. Finally what? Does it mean, "Finally, the task is complete," or is it, "Finally, I carried my victim..." I carried my victim to the near by pond and thrust him deeply into the water. Change to "Into the deep water." I replace "I watched" with "watching." Make it all one sentence. "I carried my victim to the near by pond and thrust him deeply into the water, watching as his body sank out of sight. watched as his body sank out of sight. I only had one more Freaker to go.
I smiled and felt no guilt at all, for all I was a spirit on Earth collecting souls, doing two things and once.

All that being said, I think you have a great idea and I cannot wait to read more of your story.

Howdy there!

I thought that this is a great start! I really liked the imagery used.

I do agree with BelarusBirdy's changes. It just really needs to be proof read. Don't just add them in, make sure you agree with them.

I can't wait for you to post up the first chapter.

The only thing I will say is, the layout meant that it was all bunched up, it worked okay with the Prelude because it was so short, but remember to set your writing clearly when you write your first chapter.


Well done! Great work!

Thank you both for you're comments and I agree with your changes. I must say that I do make just and and mistyped many times since I don't have Word downloaded on my computer yet and will have to check it very carefully. Thank you! And please check out my other book Life After Death, that I'm writing on my own. The chapters to this book are actually noticbly short since they are supposed to be diary writings.

I really like this and love how you used a lot of imagery. I think you have something really good going here. And I can't wait till you post the first chapter.

Hi,

Personally, I think you should have played a little more into it. I started reading and was automatically confused. Who's he? What is a "Freaker"? What are you? How is this the diary of a dead girl, if it is meant to be taken literally as a diary. I thought is should since you put the date, so that's how I got that last question. Uhm, The imagery was good but some minor tweeks could make it flow a teensy bit better. Overall though it was great! :] I would love to read more :]

Farewell,
A.

MissEssence: Thank you!

Alliaarany: You are supposed to not know anything from the prelude it is just an important part of the story when we near the end, and you will find out the rest through the book, like you do in many mystery novels.

Hello, Apple here.

I watched as the man came closer to me and I silently eased the gun out of my pocket and lifted my gun to point at my victim's head.

Reading through this sentence, I was weighed down (not literally) by how many 'my' words there are. I mean, yes, you used only three but they sound repetitive and pull down the quality of the rest of the story. I found that I was pulled away from the prelude to stare at this for an achingly long time. And on a side note, you must place an apostrophe between victims and head. Its just showing that the word before it owns the next. Confusing, I know but my english teacher is pretty persistent.

Suggestion:

I watched as the man came closer to me and I silently eased the gun out of my pocket. and lifted Lifting the my gun, to I pointed it at my victim's head.

It makes a little more sense from my point of view but it is up to your as the writer to use it. If you'd like to make your own changes then don't let me stop you.

I squeezed the trigger and the bullet raced through the brush and hit the victim right in the head.

I think you mean bush here, not brush.

I laughed. Finally. I carried my victim to the near by pond and thrust him deeply into the water. I watched as his body sank out of sight.

Ooh, this is guy is evil! Anyway, this next sentence doesn't make that much sense. I've tried throwing my older brother (he was alive, do not worry) into the pool once and hoping that he'd sink though he did not. Bodies float so without aid, your victim here wouldn't have sunk. So, I think maybe you should place in the aid of something heavy. Tie a heavy branch to his legs or even cinder blocks, just something heavy enough to make the victim sink. Unless the Freaker race is heavier then a normal human, then it doesn't matter. I could go into the back knowledge of why a human floats but I don't think you're interested.

I smiled and felt no guilt at all, for after all I was a spirit on Earth collecting souls, doing two things and once.

Interesting, yes, confusing, yes. I don't understand what you're trying to get at. Are you saying that your character is a spirit that collects souls on Earth? If so then I'd suggest getting rid of for and replacing it with after. And get rid of the comma, it is not needed. No, it still doesn't make much sense. You may want to rethink this last sentence.

Now that we got all that out of the way I have another problem that needs some clearing up. Is the character of this a girl or a boy. I thought it was male but then again I could be wrong. If it is female then you have to place an indication or else your readers are going to think oppisite. You mentioned before that just because this is a prelude it doesn't matter but gender is still needed to be known or else the reader won't know whose shoes they're falling into prior to opening of the book. This character may or may not be your MC but I still think we have to know. Just drop it in somewhere.

Other then that this was very interesting. I like the sound of these Freakers, they make me go 'Ooo!'. Good luck with the rest of your chapters, you have potential and YWS will definitely make it grow. And welcome to the site also. I don't believe I've seen you around. If you have any queries just pm me or post on my wall and I'll be happy to help. You can count me in for reading more.

-Apple.