Counting Breaths: Prologue

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Last edited by tgirly on Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:35 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immdiately what it was. She'd seen it before.

Car smoke. Someone was trying to commit suicide. With a fit of coughing, she pried the door open. All she could see were masses of the awful, billowing smoke, everywhere. She felt panic whelling up inside her.

She backed away from the garage, trying to set her thoughts staight. She called 9-1-1 on a nearby pay-phone.

"Hello?" a lady answered.

"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulence."

"What happened, dear?"

"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.

She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.

"Hunny, are you a safe distance away?"

"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."

"Deary, that could be dangerous-"

"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"

"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"

"Good, thanks. Bye." She hung up before the lady could say anything else.She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath. She ran into the dark smoke. She hit her knee hard on the rear right tire. She gasped.
One hand on the car, the other in front of her, she made her way to the driver's side. She opened the door, the man inside's arm slid out, his feet on the dashboard.

She turned the car off. As she pulled him out, his foot got caught on the seat belt, but she couldn't see in the darkness. She pulled as hard as possible. It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders. She worked her way back to him, but not seeing where he was in the darkness, stepped on his ankle with a sickening crunch. By now, Lila was seeing dots, or at least she thought she was, everything was black. He seemed to get heavier by the second, and he was already at least twice her size.

Just a few feet from the exit, her asthma finally got the better of her. She fainted.

Four minutes later, the ambulance pulledinto the driveway.



Awww this made me sad. I say you need to space your paragraphs out like I have done so it is easier to read. Other than that I can't find anything wrong other than add some more detail. Like her thoughts. Or what's going on before. What color are her eyes? Things like that. Other than that I don't really have anything else to say. Good luck and I hope you get more reviews!!! May you receive helpful ones at that and Good luck. Keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!!!!
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Hi!

So, you have interesting threads here, and it will be neat to see where you take this story and these characters that you've introduced. I suppose my main note here is that this isn't exactly as emotionally jarring as I feel like it should be. Maybe it's because we don't know the girl, Lila; I suppose you had your note at the beginning, and this isn't a prologue so usually there isn't too much detail, but there has to be something.

For instance, we are never told who the man is that she finds in the car; I suppose it would still be very scarring for a little girl to a scene like this even if she didn't know the guy, but even if she did, it would add a whole layer of dimension. You also say that she recognized the smell and the sight; where? What happened to her?

I would also try to channel some more of her thoughts as she's trying to rescue the man and calling 911. Is she frantic? Is she trying to remember once what her parents told her in the case of an emergency? What does her voice sound like when she's on the phone?

In addition, I would try to develop your beginning a bit more. It's a bit bland as it is, and doesn't hook us into the story. Instead of telling us who she is right away, introduce her. Then, somehow, either she can or someone else can bring up her name and other things like that; make it seem natural.

I hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to shoot me a note if you have any questions/comments.

~ Elinor

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Hello, I'm Jelly and I shall be your reviewer today.

First of all, I thought this was a little too short. You also do a lot of telling instead of showing.

Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immdiately what it was. She'd seen it before.


Not the best way to start off. I like how you introduce the smoke so quickly, but I don't like how you introduce the character. Maybe you could have her thinking about her day as she walks along and then she sees the smoke and is snapped out of her daydreams? It would definitely provide some suspense and surprise in your first paragraph. :) Elinor Brynn talked about this a little bit too in her review.

She called 9-1-1 on a nearby payphone.
"Hello?" a lady answered.


In my experience, when someone calls 911, the person on the other end doesn't say "Hello." They say, "911 what's your emergency?" or something to that effect. Just a small detail you might want to fix. :)

"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"


"Ingaler" should be "inhaler".

She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath.


"Steal" should be "steel".

She ran into the dark smoke.


This part confused me a little bit. How did she get into the garage? Was it opened? Did she go in through another door?

It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders.


"Loosed" should be "loosened".

Four minutes later, the ambulance pulledinto the driveway.


Space in between the "pulled" and "into".

So, I'm really digging the idea behind this, but I think you could expand upon it more and add in more descriptions. Maybe describe the neighborhood a little more and what your main character looks like. Once you do that, this will be spectacular.

I wish you the best of luck with this and I hope my review helped somewhat. :)

- Jelly
"Whatever will happen, will happen. You either face it as a coward or you face it as a hero." - O.R. Melling

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Okay, first things first: you need to click on the "story" format when you post it so that it won't look like a big clump of text and will be spaced out a little better.

This whole thing didn't have a lot of detail and you kind of just wrote like you were going through the motions rather than putting your heart into it. I don't really know how to explain it, but I can tell when someone writes like that.

"Hello?" a lady answered.
"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulence."
"What happened, dear?"
"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.
She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.
"Hunny, are you a safe distance away?"
"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."
"Deary, that could be dangerous-"
"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"
"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"


My sister had to be life flighted a while back and let me tell you, that is not how 9-1-1 operators talk to someone on the phone. Yes they have to be nice, but the whole "deary" "honey" and "dear" is not something they would use, even when talking to a nine-year-old. My aunt went through some training on how to be a 9-1-1 operator so she knew a lot about it too.

Okay here's the grammar review:
Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immediately what it was. She'd seen it before.
Car smoke. Someone was trying to commit suicide. With a fit of coughing, she pried the door open. All she could see were masses of the awful, billowing smoke, everywhere. She felt panic swelling up inside her.
She backed away from the garage, trying to set her thoughts straight. She called 9-1-1 on a nearby payphone.
"Hello?" a lady answered.
"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulance."
"What happened, dear?"
"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.
She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.
"Honey, are you a safe distance away?"
"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."
"Deary, that could be dangerous-"
"I know, I'll use my inhaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"
"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"
"Good, thanks. Bye." She hung up before the lady could say anything else.She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath. She ran into the dark smoke. She hit her knee hard on the rear right tire. She gasped.
One hand on the car, the other in front of her, she made her way to the driver's side. She opened the door, the man inside's arm slid out, his feet on the dashboard.
She turned the car off. As she pulled him out, his foot got caught on the seat belt, but she couldn't see in the darkness. She pulled as hard as possible. It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders. She worked her way back to him, but not seeing where he was in the darkness, stepped on his ankle with a sickening crunch. By now, Lila was seeing dots, or at least she thought she was, everything was black. He seemed to get heavier by the second, and he was already at least twice her size.
Just a few feet from the exit, her asthma finally got the better of her. She fainted.
Four minutes later, the ambulance pulled into the driveway.


The last thing I would like to mention is this little girl doesn't exactly seem like a nine-year-old to me. Perhaps a teenager but she seemed pretty mature for being only nine. But maybe I just hang around the wrong nine-year-olds:)

I think this story has good potential and I know it's only a short prologue so maybe you plan to kick it up later and create a great conflict. And your whole "don't get too attached to Lila" comment scared me. I think I'm already attached to her and now I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Although I have a clue:O

Great job and keep writing!
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more amazing work from my favorite TFF!!!! This is a sad beginning filled with hope, if that makes sense. That's what I saw, at the very least. I hope you'll continue to write, practice and get even better. Danielle Twist, right?
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Hi there!
There's one thing that caught my attention. It seemed a little odd that a nine year old was so familar with suicide. She seemed a bit more mature, but that could just be me.
Also I think it was a little impersonal. I didn't really get to know Lila.
Other than that it's a really good beginning. I want to know what happens next.
I hope this helps!
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I've decided not to finish this. Does anyone know how I can delete this?
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




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Well I'm sad you're not going to finish it, but I don't think you can delete it because it has comments attached. You can, however, edit it and change it to the words deleted rather than the story, but the title and comments will still be assesible.

If that helped at all or made any sense:)
If you have a question you can PM me.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D



Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
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