Sacrificing Rememberance - Ch1

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Wolferion
Gender Male
Points 12142
Reviews 91
Mon May 09, 2011 4:53 pm
Wolferion says... · Mon May 09, 2011 4:53 pm
Under supreme reconstruction.
Last edited by Wolferion on Tue May 10, 2011 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
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Lollipopper
Gender Female
Points 2685
Reviews 46
Mon May 09, 2011 9:17 pm
Lollipopper says... · Mon May 09, 2011 9:17 pm
Hey, Lollipopper here to investigate.
Okay, generally, I liked this piece! Well paced with good information and detail. But I think there are a few issues here.
Gah, I don't know how to explain this. You're writing needs to sound more powerful. Right now it sort of sounds like a weak voice barely breaking through the surface. You need to make it loud and clear and make the reader familiar with your style of writing. When the writing itself has personality, a person can attach to the story quicker. Instead of sounding like you're reading a report or interview, jump outside your comfort zone when writing. Add distinctive mannerisms of the characters, oh, and definitely paint a brilliant picture of the scene.

And...I think that's about it. Sorry, short on time! Thanks for sharing! If you ever need a review, ask.

--Lollipopper
Yeah, that's Hedwig staring at you determinedly.
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Every time I’ve gotten feedback that was hard to take it was usually hard to take because there was truth in it and I didn’t like that (or didn’t want to receive it). That’s not to say all harsh feedback is good or that we should be harsh for harshness’ sake, but learning to absorb truth without letting it break your inner core/break you is a lifelong skill that keeps your mind elastic and open to learning.
— soundofmind