Breathe (1)

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The steady stream of gasoline from the can weakens to a quiet trickle as he ambles closer, and when he sees this he pours the rest of the can out before flinging it to the side. He walks up to her and shoves the lighter into her hands, and she takes it with the same blank expression she’s been wearing since God knows when.

“Do the honors.”

Her eyes follow the trail, and she catches a glimpse of the community built of wood and thatched roofs. She can’t make out the details very well, and her voice is flat when she speaks. “You were quick.”

His arms are crossed and his upper lip is twitching and his right hand trembles. A pack of cigarettes peers out of his shirt pocket. “They didn't hide their stash very well,” he says, his eyes following the path he'd marked on the otherwise empty landscape. "Easiest find ever."

She squats by the grime, the lighter coming to life in her hands, but she doesn’t let it near the gas. She only stares at him despite the late afternoon sky flaring behind his scrawny figure. “You didn’t check if there were kids?”

“When did we ever check?” He sees her expression and sighs. “There wasn’t any time. Okay? Look, if you don’t want their little lives singing to your conscience, then give me the lighter and I’ll have fun for you. For me. Him. Us.” And he gives her this little one-shoulder half-shrug.

At this she lets the fire graze the grime. The reaction is instant, spontaneous. Bright orange waltzes down the accelerant and towards the decrepit shacks.

“Christ. About time.” He doesn’t bat an eyelid when an explosion drowns out the eerie silence of the asphalt desert, but she does. She watches as the town in the distance erupts into flames and distant screaming stains the air. He takes the lighter from her and by the time she looks at him he’s already reaching for his fix of nicotine.

“This used to be fun," she murmurs as she gets up. Some dust clings to her knees. "Let’s go. It’s getting late.”

He laughs. “What do you mean it used to be more fun? It’s still pretty interesting.” His voice lacks life, and the sentence spills out in monotone.

She’s already halfway to the red car parked a few meters away. “You don’t even watch it anymore.”

He kicks up some dust. “Not like we have anything better to do, unless you have a suggestion?”

No answer.

Fast forward a few minutes and he’s smoking a cigarette, every now and then letting the little white roll shit ash on the leather seat. Sometimes he looks at her and blows smoke into her face, making her expression tighten. Nothing else happens. No rant, no outburst; nothing but a thousand miles of asphalt caged in by the desert fill her eyes. The numbers on the dashboard drift towards ambitious heights.

Unspoken words coil around them, constricting her throat and burning his tobacco. Her eyes are red, stinging, wet. Teary.

His eyes are half-closed, and for a few minutes he dozes, and the little cigarette butt almost elopes with the wind running through his dirty blond hair. But then his grip on it tightens, his right eye opens, and he peers at the petite dark-haired driver beside him. The shadow of a smile skims his face.

Cinder kisses her soft skin. The air is silent save the whistling wind and the hungry engine, but she bites her lip hard enough to draw blood. Blink. Not a single tear falls.

He pouts, sighs, leans back into his seat again. “I wish you’d cry.” His breath stinks, bad as the cities from old days. "You should cry. It's good for you, you know?"

The sun is in her eyes now. He looks away from the windshield to avoid its accusing glare, but she faces it with a straight face.

“Like a fucking robot,” he mutters, head tilted to the side.

And because he’s looking away, her gaze flickers to him for a moment, but he misses it, and by the time he sneaks a glance at her, she’s returned to her staring contest with the sun.

Buildings dot the horizon, cracked and fading. Both still see bruised sunlight through pockmarked houses. Long strands of dark hair calm down and plaster all over her face as her grip on the steering wheel tightens. The car’s engine ceases its rumbling, and a small twitch on his lips foreshadows his words.

“Slowing down, Detta? Afraid someone’s going to flag you down for driving so fast?” He tosses out the pathetic butt he burned into her skin and fumbles around for his pack of cigarettes. He spots it on the dashboard and pulls out another of his beloved fixes, cradles it between two fingers, and moves to put it in his mouth, but doesn’t light it. His eyes shine when he sees her jaw tighten. “Finally. The fräulein stops pretending to be a mannequin. Here I was, thinking you died night or some corny crap like that." He tilts his head back and lets out a long exhale. "Remember what he said, Detta. They used to call it illegal, but today, no one gives a fuck if you do something illegal because no one who calls it illegal is left alive.”

--

Author's note:

I wrote this up last night. It's the first 850 words of my new project, Breathe.

All opinions are welcome, especially harsh criticism. I'm particularly interested in comments on the style/flow. Also, do tell me if you would read on? <3 Thank you for taking the time to read this.

**Edited <3 (Thank you to 332sivart, attackedbyleaves, peanut19, storyweaver13, and snoopysoap for pointing them out.)
Last edited by Octave on Sun Feb 13, 2011 12:13 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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I thought this was interesting, and I would like to see where this story goes. The flow and pace of the story were good, and so was the character development. There were just some major things bothering me when I read this.

A pack of cigarettes peers out of his shirt pocket. “Just light it already,” he says, kicking some dust towards her.

I feel like many things that the male character (I don't think you gave him a name yet) says are way too cliche. I would revise that sentence.

Fast forward a few minutes and he’s smoking a cigarette, every now and then letting the little white roll shit ash on the leather seat.

A personal rule of mine is to never curse if you are narrating a story as an omniceent outsider. Unless the person narrating is someone who is with your two characters and has a point of view as to what's going on, your narrator should not curse or have any personality or bias showing. But that's just me.

Great work, and yes, I would like to see more of this story!
-Alex
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Hi!

I liked this a lot. You really piqued my interest about why they're burning down towns/villages/etc. for fun, why lots of people seem to be dead, and who this "Him" the male character mentions toward the end is. The relationship between the female and male characters here is really interesting too; I thought you characterized them well through their dialogue and actions around and toward one another.

My critiques of this are all pretty minor. Toward the beginning, in the sixth paragraph down, you wrote:

He sees her expression and sighed.


It should be "He sees her expression and sighs." Sees is present tense, but sighed is past.

In that same paragraph you have this:

Look, if you don’t want to their little lives singing to your conscience...


I feel like you just left out a word there, but as it is it's a bit wonky and pulled me out of the piece to try to figure out what you were trying to say.

As to the narrator cussing, I generally agree with Alex, but I think you pull it off here. Maybe it's because I really love that sentence and description of the cigarette's ash so I'm biased toward it, but it didn't bother me.

Anyway, I thought the style and flow of this were wonderful--I especially liked your descriptions of things--and yes, I would definitely read on. Good job!




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I liked the fact that this makes me ask so many questions. Usually when writers do that you don't really want to know the answers because their approach is all wrong. But I think you did an amazing job of giving us enough information that we are invested in the surroundings and a tiny bit of the plot before we really start asking. As for the flow and way that you wrote this I loved it. I normally write in present tense and people tell me that past is better but I think the style this was written in is perfect for present tense. I didn't see errors; I think the other reviewers have pointed out tense changes and typos.

I will definitely read more of this if you will write it. PM me if you decide to post more.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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I really like your style, it's fast-paced with good word choice, and gives a really good mental image and some honest depth in your characters. Plot-wise I don't have any complaints so far, so my only recommendation would be to watch your grammar here and there (you have places around the beginning where the sentences could flow just a little better) but really this is cool. I'll keep my eyes open for the next chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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hey, loved this...i woud defineatly read on... its vey spontanious...entertaing. you had a few typos there to... you said landscaped instead of landscape :p keep writing, i loved it. who died? at least i take it someone died... you could probably name him or something...

Soap :thud:
Imagination is more important than knowledge. knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world-Albert Einstine
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience-Fool
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i like it but im sorry i dont really like the profanity all that much



People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin