Unforgettable

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A piercing scream echoed around me and out of my lungs as I fell, trembling onto the ground; I could feel my muscles tearing, my joints snapping and my skin stretching over my new figure. All my senses enhanced and that made the throbbing pain that covered my body a whole lot worse. I knew what I was and I knew what was happening to me as soon as I saw the faces of my friends surrounding me in the small classroom; I was going through the ‘change’.

I pushed myself clumsily onto all fours and leaped out an open window. The wolf instinct was kicking in; escape from danger, keep out of the crowd. But I didn’t want to, they were my friends; we promised to look after each other, no matter what. But apparently the ‘change’ wasn’t counted, even with how rare it is.

I could see the way they were all looking at me; the words ‘she’s a freak’ seemed to be glazed over their eyes, as they stared open mouthed at me. They all had a different expression of shock or panic layered over their faces. The sad thing was that I knew they wouldn’t help me, that they didn’t want me, they wouldn’t ever accept me, I was on my own among them.

My body spasmed as I adjusted to the freezing temperature outside, I scampered over to a tree and clamped my two front paws into the bark as my body trembled, snapped and stretched again. The whole process was painful, tearing limbs apart to join onto others. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from screaming again, biting through the skin until blood filled my mouth; the blood didn’t taste like the natural rusty taste, it tasted wonderful, horribly wonderfully wrong. I knew that no one here would accept me now and I wasn’t even sure if I accepted myself. My human body hit the ground and I felt where every sharp rock penetrated my skin, all of my exposed skin. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to bring myself a slight amount of decency to my naked trembling body.

I glanced upwards at what was my school; dark windows were covered with prying eyes but only two figures were near enough to me that I knew they weren’t from around here. The first figure was roughly thirty and wearing a tight shirt that didn’t flatter him at all, showing off all of his bulging curves. He had dark eyes that stood out under his platinum blond hair and he was carrying a blanket that he casually threw over me. The second figure was somewhere around my age and wearing a matching shirt; but the way it clung to him was definitely flattering, clinging to all the right places. His eyes shocked me at first; they were sky blue, to an extent that I couldn’t have imagined, like the clouds circling a portion of the sky before they swallowed it up. His hair was coffee brown and layered around his face, just falling into his eyes at the front. I broke my gaze with the two strangers and wrapped the blanket around my body; I could feel the shivers running down my spine, unforgettably. I whimpered then, in a way that could only be described as animal-like as the two strangers quickly paced over to me.

“What’s your name..?” The younger guy practically ordered.
“C...Callee” I whispered, my mouth struggling to form words.
“Callee, we are going to take you somewhere warm, so that you won’t keep changing... is that okay?” The older man spoke in a soothing tone, obviously trying to keep me calm. I nodded ever so slightly and the younger guy instantly scooped me up into his arms and pressed me tightly to his chest. I felt confined, cocooned into a position I hadn’t created. I saw unsure whether to thrash about and run form these strange men or to let them help me.

“I'm trying to stop you from changing again. Your freezing” he smiled down at me, saying just what I need to be sure that I wouldn’t try for escape and struggle in the chilly snow. Slowly the two men started pacing away from the tree I had been lying under and marched us towards a black van.

“You need to focus on something, anything, just try to stop from shaking” he whispered and marched faster towards the van. I looked up at him, focusing on his eyes; a blue colour that I had only ever seen in the sky was now so close... I was torn away from his eyes as my body shook and trembled against his chest, a tear trickled down my cheek as I struggled against the ‘change’. I knew that my human body was letting out shrieks of pain, but I was somewhere else, somewhere between the girl and the wolf. I knew I should fight but I couldn’t, the pain was so strong, I couldn’t keep in one form.

“Callee! Look at me. You can do it!” Yelled the younger guy as he pushed me onto the floor on the van and straddled me, pushing my shoulders against the metal. The older man must have shut the door and started the heater up, shoving blankets at me at the same time. I was whimpering in that animal kind of way again as I felt the trembling calm down and settle into horrid shivers. “Callee... I told you that you could do it” the younger guy whispered as I heard the van start.

“Wh...What...Is...Y...Your...Nameee..?” I stuttered out from behind my chattering teeth. I was still so cold; something in my body was rejecting the warmth. He layered the blankets around my shivering naked body, but I couldn’t warm up, I felt so cold, all the way down to my bones.

“Zayden, my name is Zayden,” he whispered back and tucked me into his arms so that I could stop from shaking. “That’s Charles,” Zayden said, pointing at the older man driving the van. From this moment on I knew my life had flipped out of control, and today, my first change, was totally unforgettable.

:wink:
Last edited by Georgiexx on Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)




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Hiya Georgie! Pink here, and welcome to YWS! *dances*
So, I'm going to be reviewing this piece for you today and I'd like to start of with a bit of nitpicks, cause' it's my style ;)

Nitpicks

I screamed as I fell, trembling onto the ground; I could feel my muscles tearing, my joints snapping and my skin stretching over my new figure.

Wow, what a description. I liked it and it's a neat way to capture a reader's attention, but I still think you should have elaborated a bit more with the first part. "I screamed" doesn't seem to be doing the rest of the sentence any justice. I would add more depth to that single line to make it stand out even more.
From that moment I knew they didn’t want me, that they wouldn’t accept me, I was on my own for now.

Comma after moment. I noticed that you occasionally skip commas here and there, so I suggest you brush up on placement rules and such.

“Zayden” he whispered back and tucked

Comma after Zayden. Remember to use correct quotation punctuation, as well.


Plot

So, at this point, I'm figuring the girl is a werewolf or a shifter, per say. With that being said, she's being taken somewhere where these people are going to help her solve her 'changing' problem. Okay, I get that much. So, I guess I've seen this done before but it isn't as cliché, because it's got it's own uniqueness. In the end, I'm left wondering exactly who these people are and what makes them so trust-able, especially to the MC. I mean, If I were I would be shaking in my boots and warding people off, not trying to get close to them. But I guess, she's in a circumstance...I mean if they know something she doesn't then she might as well go with them and see, right?

Grammar/Punctuation

This is an area I think you should work on slightly. I noticed a bit of places where you missed commas and a few run on sentences. Although, my main comment here would be how this was like one big clump of a paragraph. I would recommend you double space or something so it's easier on the eyes. Otherwise, when you're editing this there should be something at the bottom where you can check either 'poem', 'story', 'default' etc. I would check story. If you don't understand what I mean, you can always pm me and I'll be glad to explain it to you. Anyways, I didn't spot many spelling errors so I think you're pretty set on that, just make sure to have correct quotation punctuation when doing quotes and all.

Overall
I like your story, It's neat and it's got it's own personal taste to it. Werewolves/shifters are something I find interest in, especially after the whole vampire craze. I like some of your descriptions in here, by the way. They were nicely done, especially the part where you explained her changing, I thought it was cool :)
Also, when I was reading this I noticed there were a few places where I couldn't grasp the setting and the flow of events so I would suggest you go back and make sure it all flows correctly from one action to the next. Unless, I'm just reading it wrong or my brain's still not on. It's quite early still...Maybe, I should have some coffee...
Anyways, if you have any questions feel free to pm :)
Cheers,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I liked it a lot, but I was a little confuzzled.
The way you typed it, It confused me. I had a hard time defining the paragraphs. That's really the only bad thing I saw in it.
I like it. Keep it Going!

-Love,
Charlotte Grace
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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Hello Georgie! Welcome to YWS! :D

Um, firstly I would like to point out that you spelt your title wrong. it's "unforgettable", not "unforgetable".

Secondly, it's hard for us readers to read bunched up text like how you've written your story! It would make our lives so much easier if you formatted your story like this:

I screamed as I fell, trembling onto the ground; I could feel my muscles tearing, my joints snapping and my skin stretching over my new figure. All my senses enhanced and that made the throbbing pain that covered my body a whole lot worse. I knew what I was and I knew what was happening to me as soon as I saw the faces of my friends, I was going through the ‘change’. It wasn’t unheard of but it was definitely rare.

I pushed myself clumsily onto all fours and leaped out an open window. The wolf instinct was kicking in; escape from danger, keep out of the crowd. But I didn’t want to, they were my friends; we promised to look after each other, no matter what.


Now, onto the review itself!

I could see the way they were all looking at me; the words ‘she’s a freak’ seemed to be glazed over their eyes. From that moment I knew they didn’t want me, that they wouldn’t accept me, I was on my own for now.


I would really love to read how their gazes were. Would you please expand this? It really isn't necessary, but it would be oh so lovely if you did. :)

The first figure was roughly thirty and wearing a tight shirt that didn’t flatter him at all, showing off all of his unnecessary curves. He had dark eyes that stood out under his white blonde hair and he was carrying a blanket that he casually threw over me.


Unnecessary curves? One can't possibly have unnecessary curves, right? I mean, the guy wouldn't possibly have asked for them or something.

But anyway, I believe there is a term called "platinum blond" to describe the very kind of hair Charles has! Or you could say, his blond hair was almost white or something of that sort.

“Callee, we are going to take you somewhere warm, so that you won’t keep changing... is that okay?” The older man spoke in a soothing tone, obviously trying to keep me calm. I nodded ever so slightly and the younger guy instantly scooped me up into his arms and pressed me tightly to his chest.
“Are you trying to suffocate me?” I stuttered out in a weak teasing voice.


If I were to undergo such a change, I probably wouldn't tease anyone. (Well, I probably would scream and shout and flail about instead of talking calmly to two strangers that were seeing me naked, but still.)

“Wh...What...Is...Y...Your...Nameee..?” I stuttered out from behind my chattering teeth.


Another thing: why is her chattering even worse when Callee is inside a warm and comfy car?

Just as PinkShearwater had said before me, I think it's actually a pretty innovative story! :D The only thing I don't like in this story is that it was a bit, well, short. XD I would love to read this if you added in more descriptions and stuff.

Anyways, keep writing! :D You already have a good story, just tweak it a little and it'll be really good. :wink: If you have any questions, you can always PM me!

~iceprincess =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Okay, I edited it.
I hope I fixed the grammar and spelling errors, and that everyone is no longer 'confuzzled'.
I also spaced it so it's no longer all bunched up- making it easier to read.
Thank you all for the help, but if there is anything else that needs fixing feel free to post it or PM me.

Love Georgie xxXXxx
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)




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Woo! I get to read an edited story! This is awesome. :) I guess this means that I should talk about the story, eh? ;)

First of all! I think you should talk about how she's feeling right before the change. Not at the change... right before. So, basically, start at a different time. That way, you won't have to tell us about her life in the quasi-flashback scenes you have. We can guess about it in the actual story.

Plus, I have to admit... I was wondering about whether she was expecting this change or not. It makes it interesting if she was... but it would also be interesting (and a lot more terrifying) if she wasn't!

Next! Guys... don't generally have curves. Girls have curves. I think guys would be super offended if you called their muscle bulges curves. XD

Also! Why does she trust these guys? I wouldn't. Of course, I can be a horrible person at times, but at this particular instant, if I were this character, I would be scared, hurt, and feeling very vulnerable. And very rejected and awful. So, why does she accept these people's help? I am not saying she shouldn't... but it is a lingering question!

Hope that helps! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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