Molly - Chapter 1

Sky tried speaking to Sophie this morning it was the first time either of them had attempted to in many months.

They were best friends last year now look at them. They had, had an argument over who was whose best friend. Jealousy if you ask me.

Luckily, I managed to stay best friends with both of them, but even though this argument was many months ago, and they both claim to accept that I am friends with the other as well, they both have a go at me when I speak to the other, or sit next to the other in class.

Sophie’s different...not physically, but mentally. Deep down I know she’s a nice person, but she comes across as very boisterous and bigheaded, and if you get on the wrong side of her...well I certainly know how it feels...we’ll get to that a little later.

because I desperately want them both their,

Sophie was now blanking me so I decided to sit with Sky in maths, I’d already forgotten about break and what I wanted to speak to her about merely because maths had never been one of my strongest subjects so I really had to make an effort this week as usually I could copy the answers off Sophie because she’s a maths geek.

I wanted to reply “what do you mean?” but I didn’t have the mental capacity to, and anyway, she had already started to walk off.

Sky tried speaking to Sophie this morning it was the first time either of them had attempted to in many months. They were best friends last year now look at them. They had, had an argument over who was whose best friend. Jealousy if you ask me. Luckily, I managed to stay best friends with both of them, but even though this argument was many months ago, and they both claim to accept that I am friends with the other as well, they both have a go at me when I speak to the other, or sit next to the other in class. To be honest I don’t know if this is normal anymore. They are so alike, you can tell without even knowing them that they are born friends, but they don’t seem to realise it yet. Well they do say opposites attract, and clearly they are not opposites.

Up until yesterday I had spent all my school time with Sophie, and most of my social life with sky. Sky and I thought it would be better this way. You see, you have to understand; Sophie’s different...not physically, but mentally. Deep down I know she’s a nice person, but she comes across as very boisterous and bigheaded, and if you get on the wrong side of her...well I certainly know how it feels...we’ll get to that a little later.

Anyway, yesterday, I was coming out of my maths class when I bumped into Sky, and it was really good timing as well because I needed to discuss birthday plans. Unfortunately, Sophie didn’t take to it too well, it’s not as if we were talking about her, in fact I don’t think she heard what we were saying, but just the idea of me talking to Sky was bad enough to her. Sky knew what this meant, and reassured me that Sophie would get over it, I really wanted to believe Sky, but as far as I was aware, this was all that went on between Sky and Sophie last summer, and this was where they were now. Yes, Sophie does over react, but this has far gone past over reacting, there’s got to be more to it than just a simple fall out, and I’m determined to sort this out before my birthday because I desperately want them both their, and I know that Sophie won’t go if Sky is there.

At break I started to think about why Sophie hated Sky so much, yet Sky didn’t seem to think the same way, and if she did, she hid it very well. In fact, Sky didn’t seem to mind being around Sophie at all. But the end of break came quickly – to quickly for me to quiz Sky about it. Sophie was now blanking me so I decided to sit with Sky in maths, I’d already forgotten about break and what I wanted to speak to her about merely because maths had never been one of my strongest subjects so I really had to make an effort this week as usually I could copy the answers off Sophie because she’s a maths geek. Luckily the maths lesson wasn’t that hard, and it seemed to go by pretty quickly.

At lunch I felt so let down by Sophie that despite all my common sense telling me it was a bad idea, I walked up to her and yelled at her, “Why do you have to ignore me? Am I not allowed to have my own friends? What has Sky done that makes you hate her so fucking much?”
Enter when a new person is speaking.
I think Sophie was slightly shocked with my exclamation, as she didn’t respond straight away, but after a moment’s hesitation she spoke calmly, “Molly, you wouldn’t understand, there are things you don’t know, can’t know, shouldn’t know, she did some things I can never forgive, and I know this ain’t your problem and I know it’s mine but I don’t want to see you get hurt like I did was.”
Generally you place an enter at every new idea/theme.
I wanted to reply “What do you mean?” but I didn’t have the mental capacity to, and anyway, she had already started to walk off. I didn’t know what to think, but if she was lying, well let us say it won’t be the first time.

After school, when I got home, did my homework whilst explain to my mum about my day as I usually did. I asked her what I should do about my birthday because I didn’t want to let anyone down, especially with what Sophie said to me today. I feel really stupid now, but what Mum said was right; invite who I wanted to, and if Sophie didn’t want to go because Sky is there then maybe she wasn’t a true friend. It sounds really selfish but it is my party, so she could at least try for me! Yet I wasn’t convinced, what I planned to do, just seemed like a way to wind Sophie up, and that was the last thing I wanted. But just before I went to sleep that night, I had an idea, it would make Sophie, Sky and I happy, but Mum would never agree to it. I guess it’s worth a try.

Lilicia wrote:This is a good start but I suggest you read over it. For now, it's very hard to read - the sentences are long and missing commas. This makes it quite difficult to stick to the general idea of the story, and once I'd read a few paragraphs my mind started to drift a bit... To catch your reader, try to make more suspense, more emotion.

BondGirl007 wrote:Well, to start off I had a hard time reading this; the plot was not well defined, the characters were flat, and I didn't really like the main character.I also didn't feel like the way molly talked was very realistic.

You do (as pointed out before me) need to use commas in many places in your story. Without commas, it makes it hard to read, and if it's hard to read- the person reading it will just get fed up. No matter how good the plot is, if it's hard to read, it's going to make people not want to read it. Try reading it outloud, it helps to find small things that you miss while just reading it to yourself. Like if the speech of one of your characters sounds a little off, or if you made a small mistake that was overlooked.

Over all I would say try to add to the plot a little more, because it has potential to be a great story, with only a little tweaking. This (In my opinion) is the kind of story that is better, longer, as opposed to trying to fit all the information into only a few pages. And if you make it longer, you can go more in depth into the characters. Like What is Molly's situation? How old is she? Does she live with only her mom? If so, what happened to her dad?

Oh, I was also confused about how long ago the fight between Sky, and Sophie had been.

Sky tried speaking to Sophie this morning it was the first time either of them had attempted to in many months. They were best friends last year now look at them.

"They were best friends last year now look at them."

"They had, had an argument over who was whose best friend. Jealousy if you ask me."

"They were best friends last year now look at them. They had, had an argument over who was whose best friend."

"Luckily, I managed to stay best friends with both of them, but even though this argument was many months ago, and they both claim to accept that I am friends with the other as well, they both have a go at me when I speak to the other, or sit next to the other in class."

"To be honest I don’t know if this is normal anymore."

"They are so alike, you can tell without even knowing them that they are born friends, but they don’t seem to realise it yet."

"Well they do say opposites attract, and clearly they are not opposites."

"Up until yesterday I had spent all my school time with Sophie, and most of my social life with sky. Sky and I thought it would be better this way."

"You see, you have to understand; Sophie’s different...not physically, but mentally. Deep down I know she’s a nice person, but she comes across as very boisterous and bigheaded, and if you get on the wrong side of her...well I certainly know how it feels...we’ll get to that a little later."

"Anyway, yesterday, I was coming out of my maths class when I bumped into Sky, and it was really good timing as well because I needed to discuss birthday plans."

"Unfortunately, Sophie didn’t take to it too well, it’s not as if we were talking about her, in fact I don’t think she heard what we were saying, but just the idea of me talking to Sky was bad enough to her."

"Sky knew what this meant, and reassured me that Sophie would get over it, I really wanted to believe Sky, but as far as I was aware, this was all that went on between Sky and Sophie last summer, and this was where they were now."

"but as far as I was aware, this was all that went on between Sky and Sophie last summer, and this was where they were now."

"Yes, Sophie does over react, but this has far gone past over reacting, there’s got to be more to it than just a simple fall out, and I’m determined to sort this out before my birthday because I desperately want them both their, and I know that Sophie won’t go if Sky is there."

"At break I started to think about why Sophie hated Sky so much, yet Sky didn’t seem to think the same way, and if she did, she hid it very well. In fact, Sky didn’t seem to mind being around Sophie at all. But the end of break came quickly – to quickly for me to quiz Sky about it."

"Sophie was now blanking me so I decided to sit with Sky in maths, I’d already forgotten about break and what I wanted to speak to her about merely because maths had never been one of my strongest subjects so I really had to make an effort this week as usually I could copy the answers off Sophie because she’s a maths geek. Luckily the maths lesson wasn’t that hard, and it seemed to go by pretty quickly."

At lunch I felt so let down by Sophie that despite all my common sense telling me it was a bad idea, I walked up to her and yelled at her -"

“Why do you have to ignore me? Am I not allowed to have my own friends? What has Sky done that makes you hate her so fucking much?”

"I think Sophie was slightly shocked with my exclamation, as she didn’t respond straight away, but after a moment’s hesitation she spoke calmly"

“Molly, you wouldn’t understand, there are things you don’t know, can’t know, shouldn’t know, she did some things I can never forgive, and I know this ain’t your problem and I know it’s mine but I don’t want to see you get hurt like I did.”

"I wanted to reply “what do you mean?” but I didn’t have the mental capacity to, and anyway, she had already started to walk off."

"I didn’t know what to think, but if she was lying, well let us say it won’t be the first time"

"After school, when I got home, did my homework whilst explain to my mum about my day as I usually did."

"I asked her what I should do about my birthday because I didn’t want to let anyone down, especially with what Sophie said to me today. I feel really stupid now, but what Mum said was right; invite who I wanted to, and if Sophie didn’t want to go because Sky is there then maybe she wasn’t a true friend."