Young Writers Society

Part IV

Oh...where am I? I must have fallen asleep, I think, blinking, the light hurting my eyes. Light?!?!?! Are we out of the underground chambers?
“Get up miss, I want to have a look at you” a gruff voice says, shinning his torch (or what I take to be a torch) into my eyes. I grumble under my breath, and shakily stand up, leaning against the wall.
“Hmm...what a shame” the voice says thoughtfully. The strange creature peers into my face, and I stiffen in horror. Its face looks half human, half goblin, and it is pale grey, wrinkled, and sagging. Big, pointed ears stick out, giving it a comical look – although the situation is anything but funny. - The big green eyes stare out, and I shrink from their intense gaze. The torch is a long stick of white wax, rough and shiny, and it glowers strangely like that horse we had seen.
“Wh...who are you?” I stammer, standing as flat against the wall as I can, to keep away from the ‘creature’.
“Oh, I’m just the Monogblin, the resident of this wonderful palace” it replies, sounding very calm and matter-of-fact.
“Well, can you get us out of here?” I ask eagerly, blinking owlishly, and staring at the torch that is changing its light from white to green, and back again.
“Yes, I suppose so...although I can’t go all the way. You see, if any sunlight touches me, I’ll disperse.” The creature shuddered at the thought, although I was yearning to see sunlight
“Well, come on then, show us the way” I say impatiently, taking a step forward.
“There’s no hurry, just take you’re time.” It replies, shuffling, rather slowly away...toward the hole!
“Look out, there’s nothing beyond that!” I yell, startling us both
“Huh? Oh, yes there is...don’t you think I’d know my own home? Look...” and the creature pointed its light into the darkness. The chamber lights up, and I can see a rough path going downwards
“Oh...well, let’s go!” I start forward, and then I remember my friend
“Where is my friend?” I ask, the creature glanced at me
“I don’t know...he disappeared when I came up to you” it answers, then shuffles down the path. I shrug shoulders, then quickly forget him, and follow the creature.

(ok, let me try this again.. and sorry it's taken so long!). usual. I'll comment in green, ok? and same ignoringn rules, too.


Oh...where am I? I must have fallen asleep, I think, blinking, the light hurting my eyes. Light?!?!?! Are we out of the underground chambers? ack! italics, please. thoughts in italics, everything else out. even though this is in first person.. direct thoughts (aka if you say something like "I think" it's either thoughts of just highly confusing. make sense? a little?
“Get up miss, I want to have a look at you” a gruff voice says, shinning his torch (or what I take to be a torch) into my eyes. I grumble under my breath, and shakily stand up, leaning against the wall. poilte, this creature person thing is. and why in the name of heaven did you listen to him/her/it? are you that trusting? or would you be kicking and screaming?
“Hmm...what a shame” the voice says thoughtfully. The strange creature peers into my face, and I stiffen in horror. Its face looks half human, half goblin, and it is pale grey, wrinkled, and sagging. Big, pointed ears stick out, giving it a comical look – although the situation is anything but funny. - . hold up here. you're scared stiff, but this is funny? that doesn't sound quite right.. also, puncuation. no. "Big pointed ears stick out" and leave it at that, I think.. it sounds a bit funny as it is, but stating so is distracting, and inappropiate to the situation.The big green eyes stare out, and I shrink from their intense gaze. The torch is a long stick of white wax, rough and shiny, and it glowers strangely like that horse we had seen. ok, so it is a torch. the horse? oh yes.. so that is a horse, then? I don't recall being too clear on that, but my confusion could easily be a combinationof fustration at losing the first critique I did, and the fact I need sleep
“Wh...who are you?” I stammer, standing as flat against the wall as I can, to keep away from the ‘creature’.
“Oh, I’m just the Monogblin, the resident of this wonderful palace” it replies, sounding very calm and matter-of-fact. ... nonchalant about it, eh? this creature is sounding might weird..
“Well, can you get us out of here?” I ask eagerly, blinking owlishly, and staring at the torch that is changing its light from white to green, and back again. assuming he doesn't eat you first, he'll help you out, right?
“Yes, I suppose so...although I can’t go all the way. You see, if any sunlight touches me, I’ll disperse.” The creature shuddered at the thought, although I was yearning to see sunlight
“Well, come on then, show us the way” I say impatiently, taking a step forward.
“There’s no hurry, just take you’re time.” It replies, shuffling, rather slowly away...toward the hole!
“Look out, there’s nothing beyond that!” I yell, startling us both
“Huh? Oh, yes there is...don’t you think I’d know my own home? Look...” and the creature pointed its light into the darkness. The chamber lights up, and I can see a rough path going downwards
“Oh...well, let’s go!” I start forward, and then I remember my friend
“Where is my friend?” I ask, the creature glanced at me
“I don’t know...he disappeared when I came up to you” it answers, then shuffles down the path. I shrug shoulders, then quickly forget him, and follow the creature.

ok.. last part doesn't sound quite believable. If you meant it that way, it works, if not, I would try re-working the dialogue. I think that woud help loads, and maybe clarify other parts, as well. Hope this helped some

Thanks Mesh!!! I understand what you're getting at. The first sentance is meant to be in italics because she is thinking, not talking! lol

The reason she is not scared of the creature, is because he sounds so calm and matter-of-fact, and until she sees him, he sort of sounds like an old man just enquiring about something...if you get what I mean.

Anyway, thanks for the crit, and I'll work on it soon Any more crits are welcome.....