A Criminal's Heart Chapter-3

Me? Investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could one possibly gain from it? Unless, it was something very deep and intense, something that was out of my understanding? A series of such questions were popping into my head. But I needed keep my head straight to investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked me in panic. Just like me, they all couldn't believe their ears. Outside the room, everyone had gathered. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces had turned red. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she came in front of them. Apart from Chloe, who wore a bemused expression as if I was joking. Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more. Hard to believe,” I answered back, still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. No. Just no. Please, stop making contradictions to your character’s personality. One minute he’s tough, one minute he doubts himself. You must make sure that the things your character says and thinks are true to him. I wasn’t ever an Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious beauty, but to me, her looks were artificial. No one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe someone used to.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe was throwing questions like mad. I would normally tell her to calm down, but today she had a good reason to be curious. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” {removed line here} Had the security guard Tim been in front of me, I would have taught him left and right. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow!
“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded me with another question.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bother to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Lava started spewing out of me on thinking about Tim. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions. I know she wanted to…..I also wanted to answer….it was so confusing. Phew!
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run till midnight and she must have died some time before,” We don’t need to know who’s talking here, so I removed the line.
“Why? Which film?” I said. I was never up to date with films even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday. They all need me for protection, not for idol-worshipping. {You don’t need this, but I thought it would have sounded cool}
"Harry Knows Dancing…or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at him with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomach. The person pushed his face down so as to shun eye contact. I also darted away my glance away from this useless fellow.
“Chief, we should hurry up and go there,” Chloe said, and started assembling her things. She always kept her desk tidy. That was the best quality of her. Eugh- bad grammar. It should be “That was her best quality.”
Chloe had brown silky hair which she always tied up in a pony. She always had her lipstick and mascara on (all women have, for that matter) and wore her blue uniform and small heart-shaped earrings. She wasn't a beauty but she wasn’t ugly, either. She stood somewhere in between.
“I would want Chloe, Derek, Roger and Jack to go with me now. I don’t think we’ll need others,” I made myself clear, shattering the dreams of those who wanted to visit the site and look at Amanda’s dead body. Crazy fans!
“Sir, won’t we need more officers in case we have the criminal there?” said Chloe, as usual, opposing my decision. Although she rejected my each and every idea, which she had no right to but still did, I had unearthed some respect for her. I had told myself it showed her level of interest and mind power. She didn’t believe in absolute subordination.
“I don’t suppose the criminal will be ours tonight. He or she has killed a big star so might be having big plan of living discreetly avoiding to be recognised. He or she would’ve planned everything. We might be having a tough night ahead,” I spoke as I was lost in the crime world. I had solved thirty five crime cases in twenty years of my police job. I was known for my excellence all over American Police department. And if I solve this case, I thought, I would be on headlines. A famous detective! I couldn't stop thinking about the fame.
“As you say, Chief,” Chloe agreed. I passed a pale smile to encourage my force. After all, they were going to work whole night and who knows maybe next day too without any break. I went to my cubicle and gathered my stuff: the latest revolver, bullet-proof jacket, a notepad along with pen to write down notes and some apples (we had to stock up some tit-bits for food. We didn't have time for proper meals sometimes). This would be enough! I thought. Not needed

I will review the rest of this later, dear Shubhi.
-Maddy

Greetings again, shubhi! I’m still trying, against all odds, to produce something no one else has said yet.

Wow, even more new characters. I’ve got to say, at this point, It’s actually starting to become a bit detrimental to the plotline. We’ve got a ton of people to keep track of, almost all of whom have similar narrative voices, and some of whom are in the same area doing pretty much the same thing. I actually kind of think, that unless this Roger guy and his thoughts are majorly important to the plot, his narration should probably go to Sean or Chloe—they’re in the same place, but we already know them, so it’s easier to slip back into their roles. If you can’t get rid of Roger’s POV section, then it might be a good idea to return to characters we know really soon, go back to Josh or Olivia, so the audience doesn’t just forget about them. It’s hard to keep up a connection with a character if you only spend about two or three pages with them at a time.

That said, I really liked the narration section from Sean’s point-of-view. I think his voice is the most developed out of all the ones you’ve written, I can really feel the character himself coming through the descriptions and narrations. It’s helped by the fact that I like the character a lot—he has a lot of flaws, but I think all of them are very humanizing and help to define his character. He’s a very strict person and takes his work very seriously, and I think it makes him more likable that he holds himself and everyone else to the same standard. I enjoyed the little quirks of his character, like the way he sneers at that poor guy who knew what Amanda’s movie was called. His character is flawed, but still likable and amusing, and I enjoyed the section from his point of view.

Roger’s character is also interesting, though I still think in the grand scheme of things his narration should go to somebody else. I liked his competition with Jack, and I like how some of his flaws—like his rudeness towards Chloe—come out in the narration, it’s a very smooth way to go about characterization.

Quick nitpick:

I didn’t ask him any other questions and obeyed his instructions which was quiet unusual because I was the one giving orders always.

The word you’re looking for is “quite,” not “quiet”—they’re easy to confuse. ^___^