A Criminal's Heart Chapter-3

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CHAPTER-3

SEAN KERR
11: 25 PM
25th June, 2009

Me? Investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could one possibly gain from it? Unless, it was something very deep and intense, something that was out of my understanding? A series of such questions were popping into my head. But I needed to keep my head straight investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked me in panic. Just like me, they all couldn't believe their ears. Outside the room, everyone had gathered. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces had turned red. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she came in front of them. It looked to Chloe that I was joking to her and everyone present there. Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more. Hard to believe,” I answered back, still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. I wasn’t ever an Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious beauty. She was beautiful but was artificial. But no one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe, someone used to.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim been in front of me I would have taught him left right. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow!
“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded me with another question.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bother to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Lava started spewing out of me on thinking about Tim. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions. I know she wanted to…..I also wanted to answer….it was so confusing. Phew!
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run till midnight and she must have died some time before,” she raised a question.
“Why? Which film?” I said. I was never up to date with films even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday. They all need me for protection.
"Harry Knows Dancing…or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at him with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomach. The person pushed his face down so as to shun eye contact. I also darted away my glance away from this useless fellow.
“Chief, we should hurry up and go there,” Chloe said and started assembling her things. She always kept her desk tidy. That was the best quality of her.
Chloe had brown silky hair which she always tied up in a pony, always had her lipstick and mascara on (all women have, for that matter) and wore her blue uniform and small heart shaped earrings. She wasn't a beauty but neither she was ugly. She stood somewhere in between.
“I would want Chloe, Derek, Roger and Jack to go with me now. I don’t think we’ll need others,” I made myself clear, shattering the dreams of those who wanted to visit the site and look at Amanda’s dead body. Crazy fans!
“Sir, won’t we need more officers in case we have the criminal there?” Chloe as usual opposed my decision. Although she rejected my each idea, which she had no right of but still did, I had found some respect for her. This showed her level of interest and mind power. She didn’t believe in absolute subordination.
“I don’t suppose the criminal will be ours tonight. He or she has killed a big star so might be having big plan of living discreetly avoiding to be recognised. He or she would’ve planned everything. We might be having a tough night ahead,” I spoke as I was lost in the crime world. I had solved thirty five crime cases in twenty years of my police job. I was known for my excellence all over American Police department. And if I solve this case, I thought, I would be on headlines. A famous detective! I couldn't stop thinking about the fame.
“As you say, Chief,” Chloe agreed. I passed a pale smile to encourage my force. After all, they were going to work whole night and who knows maybe next day too without any break. I went to my cubicle and gathered my stuff: the latest revolver, bullet-proof jacket, a notepad along with pen to write down notes and some apples(we had to stock up some tit-bits for food. We didn't have time for proper meals sometimes). This would be enough! I thought.

Amanda’s mansion was nothing less than a palace. I couldn’t think of any reason that could support the idea of only one security guard at this extravagant mansion. I had to know more about Amanda now. She intrigued me.
I stopped the police car right in front of her house. The road was silent, giving me an eerie feeling. Every time before getting myself ready for any investigation, I had to push away the eerie feeling first. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a fraction of second to recompose myself. All the other mansions were dark. Beverly Hills’s residents like to party night long. They are known for this. I retrieved my walkie-talkie from the dashboard and looked back at my officers. They all nodded. We were ready.

I stepped out of the van and so did the others. We marched forward when we saw someone emerge from the darkness. Immediately, we all lifted our revolvers in case the person was dodgy.
“No worry officer. I am Tim,” he informed raising up his hand for surrender. We went forward and looked at him clearly. He was a lusty man with big mostache and beard. He had black eyes common to most of the Asians and Africans.
“So you are Tim, sir’s useless fellow,” Derek gave a sarcastic comment making Jack let out a weak grin.
The lusty man looked abashed.
“Yes I am. Let me show you where I found her dead,” he turned back and started walking towards the mansion. I didn’t ask him any other questions and obeyed his instructions which was quiet unusual because I was the one giving orders always.
I heard Chloe talking to Roger in whisper. But as I was right in front of them, I could hear them talking. Chloe could never really talk in whisper.
“What if we never get the killer? LAPD will have another incompetence marked against it. This case is important to be solved,” she whispered.
“I know Chloe. We need to solve this case. This is about public’s favourite Amanda. They won’t tolerate any delay in this matter. Keep your fingers crossed,” he said.
I very well knew what they were talking about. The Lanter case was the only case so far I had difficulty solving in. I just left it halfway. Tonight, I wanted the file for examining it again but then this case came up. I made a mental note of taking back the file home for study.
The Amanda case needed to be solved.
“Why did you go out for ice-cream?” I asked him a silly question. I just didn’t want the silence to continue itself.
“Officer, I just felt like eating it today. Besides, Ms. Bailey was supposed to be in her party. I didn’t expect her to be at home so early. Had I known this would happen then I wouldn't have stepped out of my security cabin,” he was very frightened.
"Of course, no one would have known. But sneaking out like this is outrageous." I couldn't stop myself from being rude. This was my duty; I couldn't afford to be sweet with everyone.
We had now reached the entrance and he turned the door knob.
“Didn’t she have surveillance system?” I asked.
“Yes she did. But someone, maybe, the killer closed it down,” Tim replied.
“Then I guess the killer was a regular visitor or was a computer expert,” Chloe said.
We were standing in the lobby which was then dark. Tim switched open the lights and the place transformed into a mind-blowing area. On both the walls, there were several pictures of Amanda in her different films. I hadn’t seen any of her films after Midnight Thief. That was superb and worth watching again but I hardly had any time. We walked around in the lobby until the room grew bigger and changed into a big hall. This was huge and beautiful. The hall had two staircases which took you to the next floor and the ceiling was studded with a crystal chandelier. The walls had a beige paint showing aristocracy and royalty. There was no blood around so I guessed the murder had taken place on the next floor or somewhere else.
“Isn’t this pretty?” Roger asked a rhetorical question.
“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” I replied.

ROGER HOPKINS
11:50 PM
25th June

“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” my dastardly boss replied to me.
Jack chortled. He always envied me and had started who’s-the-best competition of which the whole department knew.
I sighed but didn’t comment further. Had I asked this question at any other time then he wouldn’t have mind, in fact he would’ve stretched the topic further but this was not the right time. He was out on an investigation and won’t tolerate any nuisance. He wasn’t a cruel or dastardly boss but a martinet. He had high expectations from himself and us.
“Don’t mind, Roger,” Chloe silently came to me and whispered. I didn’t mind. Why would I? After all I had said a thing at a wrong time. But still I couldn’t help myself calling him a dastardly boss.
“Where is her body?” Chief’s voice was hostile as he asked Tim.
“Upstairs, near her bedroom,” Tim fretfully replied.
We all climbed the marble stairs and reached upstairs. Right in front of us was Amanda sitting on a chair, her hands tied. But she was dead. Tim wasn’t joking. Her mauve nightgown was crimson red with blood. Her angel like face too had red spots of her blood. This is not true, just a dream, a nightmare, I thought to myself.
“Shit! She looks terrible without makeup,” Chloe remarked.
“I knew she was artificial. I knew that,” Chief said rejoicing his victory. Long ago, we all had bet whether her next movie would work. He didn’t think so but lost the bet after her film grossed highest amount that year. A crooked smile spread on his face.
“We should rule out suicide, Chief. There’s no way possible she could have killed herself when her hands are tied and there’s no revolver around,” Jack made an unnecessary statement.
“What do you think Jack that I don’t know his all,” Chief scolded him. This was my time to chuckle on Jack but I let it go. I just enjoyed his gloomy face.
“Sorry Chief,” he apologized sinking down his head.
Chloe looked very disturbed after witnessing this scene. That’s why I say we shouldn’t have women on the force. They are way too touchy and sentimental for this brutal and difficult work.
“Are you all right?” Derek asked her.
“Yes, I am. Don’t worry, I won’t vomit or faint,” she smiled.
Derek too smiled back to which Chief Sean raised an objection. “No laughing now. This is serious work,” he said to both of them.
Chief Sean went close to Amanda to check for some evidence. I too joined him there while others distributed themselves to other areas on the floor.
“Roger, you go help Chloe. She needs you there. She is not feeling well tonight. I can handle this alone and I have Tim here for help,” Chief politely told me and looked at Tim.
“Are you sure?” I asked him. Somewhere I couldn’t convince myself to leave Chief alone with this Tim. Maybe Tim killed Amanda, I thought. No one was sure that he wan’t the killer.
“Yes. I will manage here. Don’t worry,” he said just like my dad.
I stood up from my position and walked where I had last seen Chloe walk to. I heard Chloe’s shout from the same direction.
“Look what’s here,” she screamed. I felt my heart palpitate. What was there she had found. Had she found someone or something? I could sense her in grave danger.
Last edited by MiaParamore on Sat Jun 19, 2010 3:46 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
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Corrections, comments and suggestions in red.

shubhiloves2write wrote:CHAPTER-3

SEAN KERR
11: 25 PM
25th June, 2009

Me, investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could one possibly gain from it? Unless, it was something very deep and intense which was out of my understanding? A series of such questions were popping into my head. But I needed to investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked me in panic. No one present there you don't really need to add the 'there' could believe their ears just like me that doesn't sound right...start a new sentence and say something like, "Just like me, they couldn't believe their ears'. Outside the room, everyone had gathered. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces turned red. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she came in front of them. It looked to Chloe that I was joking to her and everyone present thereyou don't need to repeat 'and everyone present there.' instead just say 'everyone' or something. ;). Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more. Hard to believe,” I answered back still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. I wasn’t ever an Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious beauty. She was beautiful but was artificial. But no one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe someone used to.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim been in front of me I would have taught him left rightthat doesn't make sense, do you mean 'left from right?'. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow!
“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded another question.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bother to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Lava started bubbling out of me on thinking about Tim. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions. I know she wanted to…..I also wanted to answer….it was so confusing. Ehewwhat's this word? Is it supposed to be 'phew?'!
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run till midnight and she must have died some time before,” she raised a question.
“Why? Which film?” I said. I was never up to date with films even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday. They all need me for protection.
"Harry Knows Dancing…Maybe put the title in italics or something for the title of a movie.or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at them with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed their and theirRather than repeating 'their,' try to find another word or phrase you could use. family’s stomach. The person pushed his face down so as to shun eye contact. I also darted away my glace away from this useless fellow.
“Chief, we should hurry up and go there,” Chloe said and started assembling her things. She never liked to keep her desk untidy. That was the best quality of her. She had brown silky hair which she always tied up in a pony, always had her lipstick and mascara on (all women have, for that matter) and wore her blue uniform and small heart shaped earrings.
“I would want Chloe, Derek, Roger and Jack to go with me now. I don’t think we’ll need others,” I made myself clear, shattering the dreams of those who wanted to visit the site and look at Amanda’s dead body. Crazy fans!
“Sir, won’t we need more officers in case we have the criminal there?” Chloe as usual, opposed my decision. Although she rejected my each idea, which she had no right of but still did, I had found some respect for her. This showed her level of interest and mind power. She didn’t believe in absolute subordination.
“I don’t suppose the criminal will be ours tonight. He or she has killed a big star so might be having big plan of living discreetly avoiding to be recognised. He would’ve planned everything. We might be having a tough night ahead,” I spoke as I was lost in the crime world hmm...maybe make it 'I spoke as if I was lost in the crime world or 'as I did'. I had solved thirty five crime cases in twenty years of my police job. I was known for my excellence all over American Police department.
“As you say, Chief,” Chloe agreed. I passed a pale smile to encourage my force. After all, they were going to work whole night and who knows maybe next day too without any break. I went to my cubicle and gathered my stuff: the latest revolver, bullet-proof jacket, a notepad along with pen to write down notes and some apples. This would be enough! I thought.

Amanda’s mansion was nothing less than a palace. I couldn’t think of any reason that could support the idea of only one security guard at this extravagant mansion. I had to know more about Amanda now. She intrigued me.
I stopped the police car right in front of her house. The road was silent, giving me an eerie feeling. All the other mansions were dark. Beverly Hills’s residents like to party night long. They are known for this. Every time before getting myself ready for any investigation, I had to push away the eerie feeling first. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a fraction of second to recompose myself. I retrieved my walkie-talkie from the dashboard and looked back at my officers. They all nodded. We were ready.

I stepped out of the van and so did the others. We marched forward when we saw someone emerge from the darkness. Immediately, we all lifted our revolvers in case the person was dodgy.
“No worry officer. I am Tim,” he informed lighting up his hand for surrender. We went forward and looked at him clearly. He was a lusty man with big moustaches and beard Umm... You mean 'A big mostache and beard?' I don't think very many people have multiple mostaches. :lol: . He had black eyes which are mostly of Asians and Africans.
“So you are Tim, sir’s useless fellow,” Derek gave a sarcastic comment making Jack let out a weak grin.
“Yes I am. Let me show you where I found her dead,” he turned back and started walking towards the mansion. I didn’t ask him any other questions and obeyed his instructions which was quiet unusual because I was the one giving orders.
I heard Chloe talking to Roger in whisper. But as I was right in front of them, I could hear them talking. Chloe could never really talk in whisper.
“What if we never get the killer? LAPD will have another incompetence marked. This case is important to be solved,” she whispered.
“I know Chloe. We need to solve this case. This is about public’s favourite Amanda. They won’t tolerate any delay in this matter. Keep your fingers crossed,” he said.
I very well knew what they were talking about. The Lanter case was the only case so far I had difficulty solving in. I just left it halfway. Tonight, I wanted the file for examining it again, but this case came up. I made a mental note of taking back the file home for study.
Amanda case needed to be solved. Should ther the a 'the' on the beginning fo this sentence?
“Why did you go out for ice-cream?” I asked him a silly question. I just didn’t want the silence to continue itself.
“Officer, I just felt like eating it today. Besides Ms. Bailey was supposed to be in her party. I didn’t expect her to be at home so early,” he was very frightened.
We had now reached the entrance and he turned the door knob.
“Didn’t she have surveillance system?” I asked.
“Yes she did. But someone, maybe the killer closed it down,” Tim replied.
“Then I guess the killer was a regular visitor or was a computer expert,” Chloe said.
We were standing in the lobby which was then dark. Tim switched open the lights and the place transformed into a mind-blowing area. On both the walls, there were several pictures of Amanda in her different films. I hadn’t seen any of her films after Midnight Thief. That was superb and worth watching again but I hardly had time. We walked around in the lobby until the room grew bigger and changed into a big hall. This was huge and beautiful. The hall had two staircases which took you to the next floor and the ceiling was studded with a crystal chandelier. The walls had a beige paint showing aristocracy and royalty. There was no blood around so I guessed the murder had taken place on the next floor or somewhere else.
“Isn’t this pretty?” Roger asked a rhetorical question.
“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” I replied.

ROGER HOPKINS
11:50 PM
25th June

“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” my dastardly boss replied to me.
Jack chortled. He always envied me and had started who’s-the-best competition of which the whole department knew.
I sighed but didn’t comment further. Had I asked this question at any other time then he wouldn’t have mind, in fact he would’ve stretched the topic further but this was not the right time. He was out on an investigation and won’t tolerate any nuisance. He wasn’t a cruel or dastardly boss but a martinet. He had high expectations from himself and us.
“Don’t mind, Roger,” Chloe silently came to me and whispered. I didn’t mind. Why would I? After all I had said a thing at a wrong time. But still I couldn’t help myself calling him a dastardly boss.
“Where is her body?” Chief’s voice was hostile as he asked Tim.
“Upstairs, near her bedroom,” Tim fretfully replied.
We all climbed the marble stairs and reached upstairs. Right in front of us was Amanda sitting on a chair, her hands tied. But she was dead. Tim wasn’t joking. Her mauve nightgown was crimson red with blood. Her angel like face too had red spots of her blood. This is not true, just a dream, a nightmare, I thought to myself.
“Shit! She is looking terrible without makeup,” Chloe remarked.
“I knew she was artificial. I knew that,” Chief said rejoicing his victory. Long ago, we all had bet whether her next movie would work. He didn’t think so but lost the bet after her film grossed highest amount that year. A crooked smile spread on his face.
“We should rule out suicide, Chief. There’s no way possible she could have killed herself when her hands are tied and there’s no revolver around,” Jack made an unnecessary statement.
“What do you think Jack that I don’t know his all,” Chief scolded him. This was my time to chuckle on Jack but I let it go. I just enjoyed his gloomy face.
“Sorry Chief,” he apologized sinking down his head.
Chloe looked very disturbed after witnessing this scene. That’s why I say we shouldn’t have women on the force. They are way too touchy and sentimental for this brutal and difficult work.
“Are you all right?” Derek asked her.
“Yes, I am. Don’t worry, I won’t vomit or faint,” she smiled.
Derek too smiled back to which Chief Sean raised an objection. “No laughing now. This is serious work,” he said to both of them.
Chief Sean went close to Amanda to check for some evidence. I too joined him there while others distributed themselves to other areas on the floor.
“Roger, you go help Chloe. She needs you there. She is not feeling well tonight. I can handle this alone and I have Tim here for help,” Chief politely told me and looked at Tim.
“Are you sure?” I asked him. Somewhere I couldn’t convince myself to leave Chief alone with this Tim. Maybe Tim killed Amanda, I thought. No one was sure that he wan’t the killer.
“Yes. I will manage here. Don’t worry,” he said just like my dad.
I stood up from my position and walked where I had last seen Chloe walk to. I heard Chloe’s shout from the same direction.
“Look what’s here,” she screamed. I felt my heart palpitate. What was there she had found. Had she found someone or something? I could sense her in grave danger.


This is getting really good!! I can't wait to see how everything turns out! Just a few sentence structure suggestions and a few missed comas and such, but I still love it! After all, I do the exact same thing constantly!! :lol: Good work and keep me posted!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Hey Shubi, I'm here to review at yous request. Sadly, I'm late and Isha pointed out all you errors already. I wanted to do that :cry: . Oh well I like the intensity of the plot so far and please listen to Isha's suggestions and fix these errors. Update soon please and thank you for the read.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

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Thank you both of you. I owe a lot to you all.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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It got featured. Wow!!!!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey Shubhi!

Sorry I'm a little late. I had tons of work. (Blame the college.)
Anyways, onto this.

Me, investigating a high profile case?
A personal suggestion. I feel it would be better if it went "Me? Investing a high profile case?"
I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
This sentence is a bit awkward. You'll need to show us how he answered them, not say this, especially in first person.
Lava started bubbling out of me on thinking about Tim.
XD I like that sentence.
Okay, on a serious note, It would sound better if you say Lava was spewing out of me or something.
Ehew!
I would suggest removing this. It doesn't sound right, here.
They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomachs.

Although she rejected my each idea, which she had no right to but still did, I had found some respect for her.
Re-phrase this; it's a bit awkward.
He had black eyes common to most of the Asians and Africans.

The Amanda case needed to be solved.

“Yes it is. But we aren’t here for fun,” my dastardly boss replied to me.
Good way of switching POV. Dastardly is not the word to use here. What are you trying to say? That the chief is all serious and no-play or that he is evil?
“Shit! She looks terrible without makeup,” Chloe remarked.
Looks is a much better option.

Overall: Well, the story is heading along fine. The only thing I feel is you aren't making me feel the investigation strong enough. For this, you need to show us the descriptions. PM me, if you don't get this. Also; the chapter seemed a little low on the suspense when you suddenly left it at a cliff hanger. It's good, but you'll need to build up to it.

Hope I helped.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Thanks a lot Lava.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Alright...I'm going to give it to you straight. You need a lot of work. You've got some great story ideas, and you do a good basic outline, but there's a whole lot you need to work on. The way your characters talk is just horrible. It's just simpley not how normal people talk, we say can't not can not, stuff like that.

Also here I had no idea what this meant-
“What do you think Jack that I don’t know his all,”


If you could only fix your grammar and dialogue, you could be an amazing writer.

Work on it okay? Otherwise I thought this story was great, it was just the horrible grammar and some things that just didn't make sense. But I like it so far.

Good luck, and keep writing.

~Hope
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I like this story so far--besides the grammar and spelling mistakes. Others have already pointed that out, so I have a suggestion.

Wouldn't the cops be suspicious of Tim...? I mean, he did stay with her. His alibi is he went to get ice cream and found her dead body. Wouldn't they want to question him?

Keep writing!
-Cassie :smt026
"Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?" -(500) Days of Summer
Spoiler
My name is Eduardian.

Spoiler
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Hi I truly agree with your poin. They won't let him free without a proper alibi. Do read more!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey... again! :lol:
I'm on the third chapter now! Woop!

I've got to say, this was great! I'm not actually going to point out any nit-picks because there are hardly any! All of the nit-picks I would have pointed out already have been pointed out. There's no point in me repeating them!

Like I said when I reviewed chapter two, I really like the characters you have created. But I do have to agree that your phrasing skills aren't too amazing! Hope has given you a good example about that.

Well... that's about it! I can't find anything else to critique really! You have great story ideas, and I cannot wait to read the next chapter of this!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Thanks all of you who reviewed my work. I am editing it now.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hello! You already have a number of critiques on the other installments, so I'm just going to review this last one. Keep in mind I haven't read the beginning, so I'm focusing less on plot and more of actual writing style.

Also, proofread. You have some incorrect prepositions ("on" instead of "of" and things like that) and at one point you say "quiet" when you mean "quite". Watch for that.

“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.

“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim been in front of me I would have taught him left right. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow!

“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded another question.


Your dialogue and dialogue tags are quite repetitive. You have Chloe ask the question, and then you narrator says that she's throwing questions. Your narrator says that they catch them skillfully and answer, and then they actually answer in dialogue, and then you narrator says [i]again[/i that they're answering.

Basically, lighten up on the dialogue tags. You don't have to say that the character is answering three times; we should understand that from their dialogue. If this doesn't make any sense, PM me and I'll try to explain it better.

She never liked to keep her desk untidy.


Oddly phrased, almost like a double-negative. Consider saying: She always kept her desk tidy. Or find a better, more descriptive way to say "tidy".

“What do you think Jack that I don’t know his all,” Chief scolded him.


That line of dialogue makes no sense, dear!

:arrow: Sentence Fluency and Variation

You have a lot of medium-sized sentences, with the occasional short one thrown in. This combination makes the story's flow very choppy and monotonous. Try to throw in some longer, complex sentences to add a fluidity to the rhythm. Prose has to deal with rhythm just like poetry. ;)

:arrow: Character Voice

Just from these two different perspectives, I can see very little change in narrator tone. That's the problem with using multiple first-person POVs; you have to come up with different and specific tones for EVERY character whose perspective you write from. Right now, without those headers that said whose viewpoint we were in, I wouldn't be able to distinguish just by their tone. Work on that. Make sure that each character's voice is distinctive-- one more serious, one more prone to cracking jokes, one with more descriptive thoughts, one who uses more emotions in their narrative.

As far as the actual writing goes? There were some good parts-- I think the plot could turn out well, if you keep in interesting, and make sure to develop your characters so they don't all blend together. I'd suggest using more interesting description, though.
"Beautiful" and "brown silky hair" get the job done, but they're not very exciting to read about and don't paint clear pictures. You're trying to establish this scene for your readers-- use stimulating and descriptive words.

Good luck, and PM me for anything! Keep writing!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Here I am, as you requested. :)

Me? Investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could one possibly gain from it? Unless, it was something very deep and intense, something thatwas out of my understanding? A series of such questions were popping into my head. But I needed to investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked me in panic. Just like me, they all couldn't believe their ears. Outside the room, everyone had gathered. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces turned red. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she came in front of them. It looked to Chloe that I was joking to her and everyone present there. Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more. Hard to believe,” I answered back, still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. I wasn’t ever an Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious beauty. She was beautiful but was artificial. But no one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe, someone used to.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries.
“Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream, leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim, been in front of me I would have taught him left right. (What? This doesn’t make any sense.) From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? (something is off about this sentence.) A hopeless fellow!
“Did he find anyone there?” she bombarded me with another question.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bother to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Lava started spewing out of me on thinking about Tim. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions. I know she wanted to… I also wanted to answer… it was so confusing. Phew!
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run till midnight and she must have died some time before,” she raised a question.
“Why? Which film?” I said. I was never up to date with films, even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday. They all need me for protection.
"Harry Knows Dancing…or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at them with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomach. (Ugh, run-on sentence) The person pushed his face down so as to shun eye contact. I also darted away my glace away from this useless fellow.


… oh boy. Sorry, I won’t be able to get through the whole thing.

You need to work on your sentence structure. It’s been the problem with the past few chapters. Some of the sentences don’t sound natural, and that’s not good. As said before, you need to know how to use those commas, because it makes the story read better. Fortunately I stuck it out and read the whole thing, but others times you won’t get the same story. Just something to think about.

Story-wise, its an average chapter. It had it’s moments though/
“Shit! She looks terrible without makeup,” Chloe remarked.
[/quote]
Oh. My. Gosh. I love that paragraph!

The ending is good too, I like the cliffhanger. Though again, the difficult readability took away from the punch.

You have quite a bit of work to do.
Call me RK :)




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Hey Shub (I can call you Shub, right?) I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments will be in pink. Then I'll give a general comment at the bottom.
SEAN KERR
11: 25 PM
25th June, 2009

Me? Investigating a high profile case? I couldn’t believe my ears as the caller on the other end informed me of Amanda Bailey’s demise. Why would anyone kill her? What could anyone possibly gain from it? Unlesstake out the comma it was something very deep and intense, something that was out of my understanding. A series of take out such questions were popping into my head but I needed to investigate the case. Chief Sean Kerr is known for his detective talent.That sounds kind of wierd saying that he's talking about himself.
“What are you saying, Chief? She’s dead?” Chloe asked mein panic sounds really bland and telly. Maybe you could show what she looks like so you don't just have to flat out tell us that she's panicked. Just like me, they all couldn't believe their ears. Outside the room, everyone had gathered.How did word spread so quickly? Is it just a really small building that only a few people work in or something? I don't know, but it just doesn't make much sense to me. I could see them all through the glass pane. Some of their faces turned red.I would change this to: I could see their faces-red with fury-through the glass window pane. It looked they would slit the throat of Amanda’s killer if he or she maybe change to: They looked like they would eagerly slit Amanda's killer's throat if they were anywhere near. Or something like that.came in front of them. It looked to Chloe that I was joking to her and everyone present there.That's a very awkward sounding sentence. Maybe you should read your pieces aloud to yourself so that you can hear what doesn't sound normal and what does. Why would I?
“Yes, she is no more.Would he really say that? It seems way off character. Hard to believe,” I replied, still gazing at my laptop, refusing to comment anymore. It took me some more time to absorb this fact. I wasn’t take out everan Amanda Bailey fan, but a sudden mysterious death comes as a surprise and shock to everyone. She had meretricious What in the blue blazes does that mean? Don't use words that your reader would have to use a dictionary to find what it means. It cuts up the flow of the story. beauty. She was beautiful but take out was artificial. Take off the 'But' because you already used that in the last sentence and it doesnt take away anything from the sentence.No one else seemed to notice this except me. Or maybe, someone used to.For whatever reason I don't like the way those last two sentences sound...maybe change them up a bit.
“Who informed you? Where was she found dead?” Chloe threw questions at me. I caught all of them skilfully and answered all her queries. I don't think you need this sentence.
"Her security guard, Tim called. He found her dead at her Beverly Hills mansion. He had gone for an ice-cream leaving the house all alone,” I answered. Had the security guard, Tim been in front of me I would have taught him left right. From where did he have the guts to leave his duty and go for merry-making? A hopeless fellow! This whole paragraph is just---terrible. I have no idea what you mean at all! You've gotta re-read.
"Did he find anyone there?” Just say she asked. Please.
“Isn’t this our duty, Chloe? And I can bet you that a person as lazy as this wouldn’t have even bothered to search the house for any evidence,” I replied churlishly. Again with there incredibly rediculous words. You don't need to put all of that in a speech tag thingy. Lava started spewing out of me on thinking about Tim.Awkward sentence. Instead of gearing herself for a busy night ahead, Chloe was asking me irrelevant questions.None of her questions were irrelevant. I know she wanted to…..I also wanted to answer….it was so confusing. Phew!I don't get it.
I looked at Chloe, her face towards me and her eyes looking for something, for some answer.Kinda awkward. I just don't like the way it sounds in my head.
“Shouldn’t she be at the premiere of her film? It’s just 11: 26. The parties run 'til midnight and she must have died some time before,” she said.
“Why? Which film?” I asked. I was never up to date with films even though I lived in L.A. and met celebrities everyday.Living in LA doesn't automatically make you celebrity conscious. They all need me for protection.
"Harry Knows Dancing…or something like that,” one of my men replied nervously. I looked at him with disgust. They didn’t have time for an investigation, always wanted a leave, but they were up-to-date with the film world which didn’t even feed them or their family’s stomach. He's pretty tough on them. Why? The person did he use his hand? Otherwise just say he looked down. his face down so as to shunI don't think that this is the right word. eye contact. I also darted away my glance away from this useless fellow.Did it just say fellow? Who in 2010 says fellow? Besides, this sentence is kinda awkward.

I can't finish this right now. Sorry if this sounds rude, but there were a lot of mistakes. I mean A LOT!! You need to work on making your sentences less awkward, making them sound like different people for every character you do, and making it sound like normal speech and thought. No one and I mean NO ONE is that proper. I'll try to finish it later.
I still owe you your reviews, so PM me if you want them done faster. I'll be back.

Sorry,
~Danie
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