Chapter Two

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Hey everyone. So this is the second chapter of my story, first chapter can be found here:
post679790.html#p679790
You don't really need to read the first chapter, though it would help.

It's kind of long, but broken up into four parts, so feel free only to comment on one or two if you wish.

~~~~~~

It was a gusty, rainy day in Paris. Jacqueline Bouvier walked against the wind down a wealthy residential street. Victorian houses lined the road on either side, standing tall in the face of the harsh weather.

Jacqueline turned onto a side street and continued walking. The heavy rain made it difficult to see into the distance, though she could tell she was alone on the street. She walked to the side door of a majestic white house and shivered before knocking twice. Within a few moments the door opened.

A young man of around twenty stood at the door, wearing the neat yet tellingly plain clothes of the help. He had dark hair, kind eyes, and a serious expression that mirrored Jacqueline’s own. The young man gave her a smile but no greeting as he ushered her out of the rain and into the house.

They stood in a type of ante-room to the kitchens. It featured two ovens and a blazing fire; together they warmed the small space and gave it a homey atmosphere. A number of wooden tables and chairs stood about, and the young man directed Jacqueline to the seat nearest the fire.

They sat down across from each other and neither spoke for a long moment. The fire roared next to Jacqueline and she could feel its heat gradually starting to reach her frozen body. She looked at the young man across from her, quietly drumming his fingers against the table, and gave a small sigh.

“So,” she began, her voice confident and inquisitive.

“So,” the man echoed unsurely.

“What news?”

The man sighed as well. “Mr. Léon has a lady ‘round fairly often. She came by, say, five, six times in the last two weeks. I’m sure they’re to be engaged soon.”

“What’s her name?”

“Reece. A mademoiselle Caroline Reece.” He looked to Jacqueline to see if the name meant something to her but she simply nodded for him to continue. “The master of the house... left for the south a few days ago. Story is he’s visiting his sister in Auxerre. The way he left, though, there was something odd about it. Received a letter by the morning post and immediately made arrangements to leave by midday. Hurried about, writing letters and such, and left within two or three hours. I have reason to think he’s actually in Orléans, but I couldn’t tell you why.”

He stopped talking, glancing again at Jacqueline. This news was surely significant, but again her face expressed nothing.

“I’m sure Mademoiselle Dupont will find value in that. And Mr. Victor? He’s still in Aquitaine?”

Surprise showed on the young man’s face. “No, not Aquitaine. Bretagne.”

“I see. Anything else?”

“No, nothing of value.” He looked tired as he continued, “I still don’t understand how she finds any of this useful. Aren’t Durand and Charles Dupont allies anyway?”

Jacqueline noted the circles under his eyes and the weariness of his expression. He was an honest, quiet young man, and she knew his task troubled him at times. Nonetheless, he knew his duty and could be relied upon. She smiled kindly.

“Fortunately, it is not your job to understand, Lucas, only to provide.”

He nodded knowingly and opened his mouth to speak when a sound came from the door that led into the rest of the house. Its handle jiggled in its lock from the other side, and Lucas jumped at the sound. Jacqueline made no movement but sat rather stiffly in her seat.

The door handle moved some more but the lock held, and then three knocks sounded. They both remained plastered to their chairs until all went quiet.

After a few moments Jacqueline spoke. “You do know that would’ve been the end, if someone had walked through that door?

“Yes, yes I know,” he replied, his voice weary.

For a few seconds they both just stared into the fire roaring at their side. Then Jacqueline stood up.

“Well, if that’s all...?”

“Yes. That’s it.” He stood up as well. “I’ll work on finding out more about Durand’s trip.”

“Good.”

He walked her the few yards to the door and opened it for her. The rain continued to pour outside and a chilly gust of air blew into the room, reminding Jacqueline just how cold she had been moments before.

Lucas looked out into the rain and then back at her.

“Take care of yourself, Jacqueline,” he said, reminding her simultaneously of the years they used to know each other and the fact that he was actually older than herself.

She smiled up at him. “You too.”

He smiled back, but it did not reach his eyes.

Jacqueline stepped back out into the blundering grey haze of the rainy Paris day.


~~~~~~~~


Jacqueline walked back home to the townhouse. The front door was unlocked, as it always was in daytime, and she made her way through it and in past the drawing room. Her clothes and hair were drenched from the rain, and the rooms were barely warmer than outside. The kitchens would be warm, though. She headed for their sanctuary.

Outside the door to the kitchens, Jacqueline paused at the sound of voices – an argument.

“You are not to go near her, do you hear me?” The voice of Marie, the forty-something cook.

“I can take care of myself, Mother.” An insolent adolescent voice – Louis, her son. A rather arrogant young man, he had just arrived the previous day and was to live at the house with them now.

“No, you can’t. And you don’t know this girl. You don’t understand this girl. She ruins people.”

“It’s not like I’m expecting to court her, Mother. I know our place. Fine, I’ll stay away from her if it’ll really make you happy.”

“No, it won’t, because you’re not listening to me. Did you hear what I said? She ruins people. Have you heard of Sophia Martin? Did you hear how she was ruined?”

“She ruined herself, Mother. Well, she and that boy. Adèle didn’t do anything.”

Marie’s voice got quieter, almost indecipherable through the door. “No. That was her. That was her doing.”

Her son’s voice lowered as well. “And how exactly did she do that?”

A pause. “You don’t understand her. And you shouldn’t try to. She lies, she manipulates. She doesn’t feel. You are to tread carefully whenever you’re around her. And if you can help it, try not to be around her at all, do you hear me?”

Not a bad description of Adèle, Jacqueline thought, though in reality Marie knew next to nothing. She wondered how Marie knew about Sophia Martin.

Having heard enough, Jacqueline opened the door.

The two had been standing near one the counters used for cooking. At Jacqueline’s entrance, they froze and stopped talking.

Louis just stared at her, looking alarmed. Even he knew her position.

Marie did not appear frightened, only wary. She and Jacqueline had lived and worked together for years. She knew Jacqueline wouldn’t pass on anything she may have heard, and even if she did, she knew Adèle wouldn’t find much interest in it. But it was still not good to be caught speaking poorly of Adèle Dupont, especially by Jacqueline Bouvier. The two women exchanged a long glance.

“You do know Miss Adèle will be arriving home this evening, Marie?” Jacqueline asked pointedly.

Louis stood by, watching their exchange with his mouth agape.

“Yes, of course. I will prepare the lamb.”

“That would be lovely,” Jacqueline said, and she continued walking to take a seat next to the fire.


~~~~~~~~


A few hours later Jacqueline sat in a plush armchair in one of the two studies. Adèle, who had arrived the previous hour, walked through the open door, closed it behind her, and took a seat nearby.

“Jacqueline,” she said as she sat down.

“Adèle.” Jacqueline matched her solemn tone with a faint mockery.

Adèle laughed charmingly, as was her custom. “Oh Jacqueline, Jacqueline,” she said, looking out at the window to her right. “Whatever will I do with you.”

Jacqueline said nothing. The question was rhetorical, and Adèle had little tolerance for people of unnecessary words.

Adèle continued staring out at the rain, which was still falling outside. “Have you been anywhere of interest lately?” she asked.

“I went to Durand’s this morning,” Jacqueline said, and related all that Lucas had told her.

There was a pause while Adèle took it all in. “Durand has certainly become sure of himself,” she said, smiling.

“You know what he’s up to?”

“I have an idea.” The rain poured loudly from outside. “Caroline Reece...” Adèle gave a harsh laugh but did not continue.

There was another pause before Adèle spoke again. “That was all he told you?”

“That was it.”

“I want you to visit Lebrun’s next.”

Jacqueline simply nodded. “How did everything go in Reims?”

“Well enough. Successful.” Adèle said. “For me, at least,” she added. “Not so for others.”

Jacqueline wondered what was so interesting in the rain, and joined Adèle in looking at it through the window.

“My father is arriving home later this evening.”

“Tonight? From Reims?” Jacqueline asked, surprised.

“Tonight, yes.”

“I’ll let the house know.”

“If you must.”

~~~~~~~~~



Late that same night, Adèle and her father sat in the study. After they had exchanged greetings, Adèle spoke.

“Did everything go as planned in Orléans?”

“Enough so,” Dupont replied. He was still dressed in his traveling clothes, and despite his journey and the late hour, he did not seem tired at all. He possessed the air of a man always moving, always alert. “Lebrun and Simon are being difficult.”

“Ah. And how are things progressing along the front?” she asked, referring not so much to the fate of the army as to the politics behind it.

“Uncertain to tell as of yet. I’ll need your help with those matters, as it turns out.”

“In what way?”

“I’ll need you to take care of someone, again.”

Adèle waited for the name.

“...François Perrot.”

“François? You want me to kill Jesus?” she asked, shocked yet slightly amused.

“You were already going to hell, Adèle,” her father said, smiling.

Adèle laughed. “Don’t I know it.”

The storm continued to rage outside.
Last edited by Attolia on Sat Jun 12, 2010 10:22 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hello Attolia! I'm gladly here as requested. :)

I really enjoyed this a lot. Both Jacqueline and Adele are very intruiging characters. I really admire the way you portray them, and convey the character to the reader. Great job!

Here are my only nitpicks:

Nonetheless, he knew his duty and could be replied upon.

I think you mean "relied" ;)

The rain continued to poor outside and a chilly gust of air blew into the room, reminding Jacqueline just how cold she had been moments before.

Pour is what this should be. Same sounds, different spellings, and different meanings. :)

There wasn't much else to comment on in this chapter. Very good job! I'd love to see more of it if you post more.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Heya! Sorry about the delay, essay deadlines have been kind of crazy this week.

Instead of heading toward any of the homes’ front doors, [Sometimes I find your writing a little lengthy, for example here. Is this necessary? Surely it's enough to tell us she turned onto a side street and went to the back of the houses etc. It's already implied that she didn't go toward the front.] Jacqueline turned onto a side street that spat her out onto a road exposing the less impressive back ends of the houses. The heavy rain made it difficult to see into the distance, but she could tell she was alone on the street. She walked to the humble side door of a majestic white house and shivered before knocking twice. Within a few moments the door opened.


They stood in a type of ante-room to the kitchens. It featured two ovens and a blazing fire, together which [Phrasing is a little awkward. Maybe semi colon after fire and they instead of which?] warmed the small space and gave it a homey atmosphere. A number of wooden tables and chairs stood about, and the young man directed Jacqueline to the seat nearest the fire.


He walked her the few yards to the door and opened it for her. The rain continued to poor pour outside and a chilly gust of air blew into the room, reminding Jacqueline just how cold she had been moments before.


“Take care of yourself, Jacqueline,” he said, reminding her simultaneously of the years they used to know each other and the fact that he was actually older than herself.
I think your phrasing could be better here. Clearly they still know each other but you mean spent time together or knew each other better? Maybe take another look?

Jacqueline Bouvier walked back home to the townhouse. The front door was unlocked, as it always was in daytime, and she made her way through it and in past the drawing room. Her clothes and hair were drenched from the rain, and the rooms were barely warmer than the outside. The kitchens would be warm, though. She headed for their sanctuary.


Outside the door to the kitchens, Jacqueline paused to at the sound of voices – an argument.


Marie

Some excellent dialogue from her and I found the character very believable. Nice work. The son was good as well, I think you have a strong talent for voices. I would like some descriptions though, being able to put faces to the voices would be nice. Even if it's only a quick one, like describing Marie smoothing the brown hair under her bonnet or dusting flour from her apron. What are they doing in the kitchen? Just standing and talking or baking?

General comments

Lovely. You've really taken all the comments on the last piece on-board and I found this chapter to be very entertaining. I think you could still have a little more of the senses occasionally. In that kitchen scene more than anything else. Maybe the smell of baking? Descriptions of some of the characters. Other than that though, you've done very well. You've got some awesome dialogue, a good bit of humour and enough action and intrigue to keep your readers interested. Feel free to let me know when you have the next part,

Heather xx
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Heya Attolia :)
Here to review as requested.

I'm not going to mention the nit-picks, simply because Kitty and Lauren have already covered them. The other reason I'm not mentioning nit-picks is because I can't find any that haven't already been found. That's a good thing though, I guess!

I haven't read the first chapter of this, so I won't be able to compare this chapter with the first one. I will definitely try my best to review this second chapter though, even if it doesn't end up being a good critique. Knowing me, I'll probably fail epically. I'll try my best though. :wink:

Overall

I actually really enjoyed reading this! I didn't actually think I'd enjoy this all that much, especially because I haven't read the first chapter. I must say though, I was definitely very impressed. :wink: You've got an even amount of description, dialogue, action e.t.c. You haven't overloaded your story with descriptions, for example. A lot of writers actually do this without realising. You clearly aren't one of these writers! Your grammar was very, very good and so was your spelling. Your characters were also believable and in my opinion, entertaining to read about. Like Kitty said, I especially liked Marie's dialogue. It was definitely enjoyable to read!

My main critique is actually the same as what Kitty said. I don't really know what your characters look like. I can recognise their personalities well, so that was very good. I just found that I wasn't sure what your characters actually look liked. It is especially important to let the reader know what the main character looks like. They are the main character, after all! I'm not asking you to have a random, giant paragraph about your MC's hair or anything... that would make me cry. To be honest, little sprinkles of description here and there are much more effective than giant clumps. What I'm basically trying to say is that you need to let us imagine the characters standing in front of us. Us readers need to know what they look like. :)

My only other real critique is once again about the descriptions. Us people have five senses, remember? Sight, sound, smell, feeling and taste. You have used the sense of sight well, I just don't think that you've used the other four senses quite as well. What I mean is, what can your MC hear? Can she hear birds chirping outside? What can she smell? Like Kitty said, could she smell bread baking or something? Do you understand what I mean? Sorry if I'm saying a load of pointless stuff here... I'm trying my best!

I'm sorry this hasn't been the most helpful review in the world, I couldn't find much to critique. That's a good thing though, I guess. It is for you, anyway!

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Skins
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Hey there! Sorry it took me a while to get to this. Finals sort of ate my life for a while there. :)

Nitpicks

They sat down across from either other and neither spoke for a long moment. The fire roared next to Jacqueline and she could feel its heat eventually starting to reach her frozen body. She looked at the young man across from her, quietly drumming his fingers against the table, and gave a small sigh.

Typo: "...across from each other..."

I'd also replace "eventually" in "...feel its heat eventually starting to reach..." to "gradually" or "slowly." Eventually seems to imply that she's had to wait a long time and is finally beginning to warm up, rather than what's actually happening: she's only been inside for a few minutes and the fire is just now beginning to do its job.

“So,” she began, her voice confidant and inquisitive.


"Confident," not "confidant." ;)

“Take care of yourself, Jacqueline,” he said, reminding her simultaneously of the years they used to know each other and the fact that he was actually older than herself.

This is good information, but the presentation doesn't work. I know you're wrapping up this scene and want to keep things moving, but it wouldn't hurt to break this up into a couple of separate sentences. Something like:
Take care of yourself, Jacqueline," he said. It was at once an admonition and a reminder; they had known each other for years, and he was actually older than she was.

He gave a smile back, but it did not reach his eyes.

Sort of awkward. I'd just say "smiled back" instead of "gave a smile back."

There was a pause while Adèle took it all in. “Durand sure is becoming mighty sure of himself,” she said, smiling.

A bit of a slip in the diction here - "mighty sure" is such a cowpoke phrase. What about "has certainly become sure of himself" or something like that?

Overall

I'm really enjoying watching this unfold! I'm a big sucker for historical fiction, so it would be great to have more little details thrown in. See what you can find about Paris during this time period and try to use those details. The little things will add up and make a huge difference overall in terms of tone and authenticity.

Your dialogue is excellent, but you remind me of myself in that you don't seem terribly interested in describing the characters' surroundings. A bit more description of their actions - even if it's just little things, like how they move or sit or talk - would make a difference. What is there already is great; I'd just like to see more.

Looking forward to the next part!
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Hi again, Attolia!

Wow, I really enjoyed this chapter. The first chapter was excellent already, but this one sealed the deal—I will definitely be returning to read chapter three!

Again, one of my favorite parts of this chapter was how well you worked in the background, the setting, to create an atmosphere. You’re a real master of creating a vision of the world around your characters, and using that to heighten the emotions of the scene. Like a few people mentioned of the previous chapter, it’s very cinematic, in a good way—I have this perfect picture of the street, the rain, the warm fire, everything, I could feel the cold and fog and rain and fire; and yet you didn’t overload us with details at all. Whatever you’re doing to keep up that smooth, subtle description style, keep it up.

I also think your characters are developing very well—Jacqueline is quite likable, even though we know so little about her. In fact, I think the fact that we know little about her adds to my interest in her a bit—I’m very curious about her secrets and her motivations. But I also like how her narration contains more hints of her thoughts and feelings than we got about Adele’s in the previous chapter. It humanizes her a lot, and it makes me more willing to identify with her and enjoy letting her guide me through these scenes. I understand her feelings, but her motivations are still a mystery—it makes for a pretty interesting character.

As for Adele, I have to say that I just love her type of character. She makes a great antagonist/villain protagonist… thingy… because she’s so unpredictable, and yet fascinating and charismatic. One can’t help being drawn into her mystique.

I do think the transition from the third part to the fourth part seemed a little abrupt and rushed. I would have kind of liked to see Adele’s father be introduced a bit more clearly, to see how Jacqueline, Marie, and Louis react to him, et cetera, before we dive into this scene. It’s up to you, though, of course.

A couple of quick nitpicks:

Jacqueline Bouvier walked back home to the townhouse.

Since you’ve already introduced her pretty thoroughly, I don’t think it’s really necessary to use Jacqueline’s full name here.

The two women exchanged a long glance.

“Exchanged a long glance” just doesn’t seem like the right phrase for this, I don’t think, since the atmosphere seems to be kind of tense. After all, it was just mentioned that it’s not a good idea to insult Adele in front of Jacqueline, but this description just seems kind of emotionally neutral.

“Tonight? From Reims?” Jacqueline questioned, surprised.

I’m not sure I like “questioned” as a dialogue tag… really, I’d go with just “asked”

That’s all I’ve got. This story is off to a fascinating and exciting start, and if I happened by it in a library, I’d definitely keep reading—I feel kind of fangirly and excited about these characters already. Know that you’ve got an amazing start here, I can’t wait for chapter three! *squees*
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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Lauren, Kitty, Skins, Areida, Zankoku - thank you all so, so much! You guys have no idea how helpful your comments have been. I have edited it to use all of your suggestions that I could immediately change without having to use too much thought. I will work on rephrasing some of the more tricky sentences, and adding in more senses and descriptions! Senses and description, senses and description, I have to remember those!

Again, thank you all so much.




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Hi again! Sorry this took so long. I will now begind the daunting task of trying to find something no one else has talked about. ;)

It was a gusty, rainy day in Paris. Jacqueline Bouvier, a comely young woman donning a resolute expression, walked against the wind down an affluent residential street. Grand Victorian houses lined the road on either side, standing tall in the face of the harsh weather.


I like that the description of the weather is brief, but this is telling. Especially since you describe the rain later, we don't need this sentence. Same with saying "a comely young woman."

After a few moments Jacqueline spoke. “You do know that would’ve been the end, if someone had walked through that door?


If this is such an unsecure place, why don't they meet somewhere else?

A rather arrogant young man, he had just arrived the previous day and was to live at the house with them now.


Try not to categorize your characters so much, especially when it's the only thing we have to go us. I'd also say that you can probably SHOW him being arrogant instead of telling us about it.

Ok, so my main critque here (besides what others have already mentioned) is that while this is virtually flaw-less in terms of grammar and spelling, the way the words flow could be tweaked a little bit so as to make them flow better and a bit more descriptive.

As far as plot goes, I'm a little confused by all the names, but I definitely like the way it is playing out. I'm not sure about the breaks. Part of me likes the fact that you've ommitted the extra details and only showed the important parts happening, but at the same time, they felt a little abrupt and jarred me out of the story.

Characters:

Adele--Love her! The way she is portrayed makes me hate and love her all at the same time, and I can't wait to read more about her.

Jacqueline--I'm a bit unsure here, because I don't really know anything about her. What is her station? She's talking to the cook like they know eachother, but also to Adele. I'd like that to be a bit clearer, unless the ambiguity was intentional. Like has been said, I like how mysterious she is.

Others--More description of Adele's father, I think. Same with the guy in the beginning. Actually, to begin with, I thought it was Jacqueline who was giving the information, not him, so a little clarification would be nice.

Also, admittedly, the voices could be more unique. That may just be me, though.
Description-- It has already been said that you need a bit more sensory description, and I agree, but I'd also like to go back to something I said earlier--try to avoid cliched descriptions. They don't really help you, and I noticed quite a few of them. For me, at least, they jolt me out of the story, which is not what you want. Ideally your descriptions should blend in so I have a clear picture but don't notice the descriptions themselves. That's hard to do, I know, (I have trouble myself sometimes) but try inserting descriptions of their actions or reactions to different things. You have some of this already, but I'd like more. :)

Also, passive voice: avoid it! I noticed quite a few instances of this here, which is probably something for you to avoid.

Ok, I think that's it. Like I said, I'm really, really liking this so far, and I would definitely read on if this was a book. That's really the most important thing, so I congratulate you. :D

See you around!

Luis



Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson