Chapter One

It's kind of rough, but be brutal.



Well-dressed figures swirled in the ballroom, for the moment careless to the events occurring in the world outside. Merry music resonated from musicians situated throughout the hall, and it combined with the sounds of laughter and pleasantries to overfill the room and spill over onto the surrounding grounds and hallways.

A handsome pair danced together at the farthest end of twirling couples. The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty; the man possessed good looks as well, but his attraction laid not as much in his face as in the power and strength of his stature. In normal circumstances their dance would have gathered looks of admiration and whispers of gossip, but this night it went largely unnoticed. The atmosphere was one of emancipation and marred the want of gossip.

“And how have you come to know the Merciers so well?” the man asked when the dance required the girl, still linked by his hand, to spin out from him.

“My cousin just married the eldest miss Mercier,” said the girl.

“Pierre Roux is your cousin?” The man raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, Madame Roux was my father’s sister.”

The man nodded. “He just entered the war, your cousin, did he not?”

“Yes, yes, the fourth unit. His father and his bride are very proud,” the girl said.

The man sensed displeasure in her voice. “But you’re not?”

The girl looked unhappy but forced a smile. “I just don’t agree much with this war, you see. It seems silly and pointless,” she said.

“Was it silly to the Belgiums?”

The girl conceded the point, shrugging her shoulders as she danced. “I don’t know. But I still don’t like it. I fear it will just be a mess of endless and unnecessary violence.”

He laughed and they continued to dance. “You women, you don’t understand the ways of men or power. I understand your concern, but that’s not what will happen.” He paused as the spun. “We will be home before winter, Germans put back soundly in their place, with victory on our shoulders,” he said, and smiled at her. “Do not worry.”

She smiled back at him. “I hope so.”

“Your father is in the war as well, correct?”

“Oh, yes. In the war, the government, I’m sure he’s in everything.” She dismissed the matter. “Let’s talk of something else, no more of this war.”

“Of course, mademoiselle. Anything you wish,” the man replied graciously. “So tell me, then, how you learned to dance so charmingly?”

The steps of the dance prevented her from replying right away. She spun into him, her hand on his arm and her chest almost touching his, much closer than necessary. The warmth of his body permeated her own. She laughed and spun back out with the beat. “I spent some time in Paris and Versailles growing up.”

“Haven’t we all,” he said gravely, and she laughed again at his tone.
The song changed into one of a much faster tempo, leaving no room for speech. Their bodies moved quickly and gracefully together, far outshining the other pairs in the room. His arm encased her lower back tightly as he guided her, and she had now pressed herself entirely against his chest. The first dance progressed, and then another, and another. When the third song finally came to a halt and a mellow tune begun, they stopped dancing but remained entwined together, breathless and exhausted. She leaned her forehead against his chest as she panted.

“Why don’t we go upstairs?” she heard him say quietly. She raised her head, not to look at him but at the people surrounding them.

He understood her action and caught on to her concern immediately. One could never be too careful. There was her reputation to consider and, more crucially, he did not want to risk displeasure with her father. “How about we separate now, and meet in the hall at the end of the next song.”

She smiled up at him. “The east entrance?”

The man nodded. She separated herself from him but kept his hand, which she held as she curtsied in front of him. She caught his eye once more before she dropped his hand and left. He watched her walk away for a moment before proceeding to find an acquaintance with whom to dance.


Less than ten minutes later they met in the hallway near the east entrance. The corridor was deserted and quiet relative to the deafening noise of the ballroom, though sounds of the festivities could still be heard. The attitudes of the two people did not conform to this new atmosphere, however; they instead seemed to have brought with them the merriment of the larger room.

He wrapped his arm around her waist as she first approached and they once more entwined together. She laughed from energy and excitement, bringing forth a contagious response from the man.

“I’m staying in a room on the second floor,” he said and motioned in the direction. She grabbed his hand and began to half-run down the hallway. They both had had a few drinks over the course of the evening, the effect of which was beginning to show. The pair continued to laugh at nothing as they made their way through two more corridors and up the staircase.

The light was dimmer in the hall of the second floor, the passageways narrower. “Which one is your room?” the girl asked.

“It’s on the north end,” he replied.

The two proceeded to make their way to his room. Out of nowhere, the soft taps of footsteps sounded from just a few feet behind them. The girl did not turn around but instead looked up to the man at her side. He returned her gaze with the hint of a smile before dropping in a heap to the ground.

The girl turned around to see a dark haired stranger strangling her companion with a cloth. Her companion laid unconscious on the ground as the stranger drained the life out of his body from behind.

The man’s eyes opened after a second or two and he appeared to recognize the situation at once. He thrashed about but the stranger had the upper hand, countering his movements of escape and tightening the cloth around the man’s neck, until the man successfully managed to elbow the stranger in the gut from behind. The stranger’s grip loosened and the man took the opportunity to get up and gain a few feet of separation, though noticeably weak and winded. His opponent, however, was fresh and alert and attacked again at once. The two exchanged a few blows before the stranger knocked the man to the ground once more.

As the man hit the ground, his eyes searched for the girl. The girl, to his surprise, merely stood observing the action from a few feet away with careless impassivity. The touches of fear on his features were replaced with indignation as he processed her expression and demeanor. She stared back at him coldly as any energy fled him and his movements became stiller. Their eyes remained locked, hers hardened and his unforgiving, until his last breath left him and his body slumped lifeless on the ground.

The stranger strangled him a few moments more for good measure. He was a man of medium height, well built and with dark coloring. He possessed looks attractive enough and was dressed as impeccably as any of the guests that night. For the most part he focused intently on his task, but glanced up occasionally to look at the girl.

Ignoring him, the girl took a few graceful steps toward the body on the ground. She bent down at her companion’s side and turned over his arm, pressing her finger against his wrist. Satisfied, she raised her head to meet the stare of the man across from her.

“You have a plan for the body?” she asked him.

The dark haired man studied her carefully before allowing signs of amusement and arrogance to cross his face. “Of course,” he said.

She stood up. “Good. I don’t need to know.”

He straightened as well so that they were standing close to one another, directly over the body of the dead man on the ground. He reached for the small of her back and pulled her into him, grinning.

The girl gave a laugh and pushed him away. “Don’t. I need to get back downstairs. I’ll leave you to deal with this mess,” she said and smiled as she turned around. Dark hair curling down the back of her scarlet dress, she started walking back down the dim hallway without sparing him another glance.

“Adieu, Adèle,” he called after her, a touch of mocking in his tone.

“Adieu, Nicolas.”



Minutes later, the girl called Adèle stood once more in the midst of the mass of swirling bodies and the merry music. Familiar faces lined the crowd, but none that she would call upon. She made her way to a quieter corner of the ballroom where groupings of men and women stood talking. A circle of men naturally disbanded and Adèle approached one of its members, a man with graying dark hair and a strong stature, as he walked away. He took both of her hands and smiled grandly.

“My darling girl! I hope you are enjoying yourself tonight?” he asked merrily.

“Of course.” They walked out of earshot.

“And did you take care of Lefevre?” he questioned in the same tone.

Adèle smiled. “Of course, father.”

They continued to speak for a few minutes more, and the events of the festive night wore on as usual.

I like this piece, and I usually hate anything and everything set in WWII, but I do seriously like this.

I'm gonna avoid grammar because that's not my strong point, so the only criticism I'd have is that the fight scene is messy. I completely lost track of who was who and what was happening, and had to re-read it a couple of times. What I would do is:

1. Either call their mystery assailant the attacker OR the stranger. This would clear things up a lot.

2. Use more detailed, expressive language to let the reader know what's going on. For example instead of the stranger/attacker "strangling the girl's companion with a cloth" say something like the stranger/attacker "had quickly wrapped a length of cloth around his neck and was now strangling him determinedly from behind."

3. Maybe make a plan of this fight so you know exactly what's going to happen. At the moment it seems a bit random and unrealistic. Especially this "backhanded blow." If the stranger/attacker has him face down on the floor, how is he going to reach back far enough to deliver a strong enough blow?


Things I liked:
Quick, real, clear dialogue.
Extremely well paced, reads easy.
Good questions, suspense and tension raised.
Overall a good atmosphere.

So...fix the fight scene and then get the next part up

Baboon

Wow, nice twist there! I was not expecting that at all! And it was worked in well, not in a way that made me groan and want to stop reading.

I only noticed one strange thing...

The atmosphere was one of [] and marred the want of gossip.

Either I'm not familiar with the meaning of [], or there is supposed to be a word there.

The only other think I have to comment on is when the guy attacks the other guy. It seemed a bit realistic, and rushed. One big thing was the attacker had a lead pipe in his hand, but then started strangling the man. Did he do this while holding the pipe? Or did he do something with the pipe? Just try re-writing that bit and making it clearer.

Great job! Keep writing! I'm interesting in seeing where this goes. PM me if you have any questions.

-Lauren-

Thank you Baboon and Lauren. Yeah I kind of slacked when writing the fight scene; I put off writing it and the end of the chapter for the longest time, and then I just sat down and pumped it out with minimal effort because I wanted to finish the chapter. Thank you both so much, I'll definitely use your guys' suggestions when rewriting it.

Not that it really matters or that it is even possible to tell from this part, but it's actually WWI .

And yeah Lauren lol sorry obviously the [] is supposed to be a word, I just can't find the right word/phrase yet and its bugging me, so I've filled its void with that for the meantime. The closest thing I can think of is "reckless abandon", but that is much too strong for the atmosphere I'm attempting to convey so I'm at a loss for how to describe it. Anyone have any suggestions?

This is fairly written well and it was enjoyable to read, in fact it's the first piece I've read from start to finish! I usually enjoy stories with balls, wars etc. Grammar isn't my strong point either, lol but I DID find some mistakes while I was reading, mostly with dialogue tags (I have trouble with that too) I've just learned that if a dialogue doesn't have a she said/he said after it then it ends in a period, not a comma, thought I might share! But anyways this is good work so keep it up!

Overall impression: it's tight, it's coiled, it leaves us feeling on the 'edge'. There is great sense of tension and a feeling of being wound-up in this, even in the earlier parts, where there is merriment and festivities, just from the way the dialogue occurs - not exactly short, sharp and snappy, but kind of like the man and the girl are in a verbal sparring match. I don't know if that was your intention - to keep the audience tense - but if it was, you've certainly donw a good job of it.

I'll explain further - you have not named the man or the girl (at first) or the attacker or her father. You open up the first scene to us the way we would view it from an outsiders' angle - with no idea what's going on, or who anyone is, or what they're thinking. You reveal nuggets of details to us slowly - the fact that there's a war, that it involves Belgians and Germans, that this whole scene is taking place within a wider context of social and political upheaval. We do not know the characters - and so we cannot identify with them (yet). We do not know, and we cannot sense the direction of the plot - and this, more than anything, keeps us feeling tense - like a suspense story. But, when I picture this, this is the form of media it reminds me most of: a film. I can see the events and the characters and the setting from outside, but I do not know their thoughts (the internal stuff), or what might happen. I can imagine, VERY clearly, thanks to some superb details slotted subtly throughout the story - but all I am getting is an outsiders' perspective, like I would in a film, where we are forced not to identify with anyone in particular, and just made to sit back, and watch the events as they occur.

All of the above is a statement of fact - I have given you no opinion on it. That is the way the story (I have to be REALLY careful not to refer to the piece as a 'film,' even though that's how I see it) pans out. I can perfectly and vividly imagine the camera shots and angles were this to be filmed; the transitions between each, the music, the dialogue taking place. I believe that you are a writer who imagines everything very vivdly and very clearly before they happen, and plans how you want things to occur from the outset, but does not reveal this detailed planning to the audience to maintain an element of surprise.

Examine the following:

A handsome pair danced together at the farthest end of twirling couples. The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty; the man possessed good looks as well, but his attraction laid not as much in his face as in the power and strength of his stature.

The biggest thing that leaps out to me is the immediate distancing of the audience/reader. Here, I refer to character-distancing, as opposed to identifying-with-the-character. The very fact that you introduce the man and the girl as 'the man and the girl' - without names, and only descriptions from the outside - is what drives your character distancing. We think: 'there is a man, there is a girl, here is the story.' We feel decidedly on edge - but that is not because you are manipulating our EMOTIONS - that is because you are manipulating ou MINDS, which makes us feel this way. Our mental confusion is the cause for our emotional tension. This is clearly a story where I can say: 'I think, therefore I feel.'

A word of warning: at first, mystery is enticing for the readers. It draws them in, it gives an air of suspense, it makes them curious, wanting to know what's going on. If you withhold that information from the readers for too long, then they - we - are annoyed, confused, and even more on edge. So...how long is too long?

“Adieu, Adèle,” he called after her, a touch of mocking in his tone.

“Adieu, Nicolas.”

You finally reveal the central girl's name to us at this point in time. Where the story finishes off, the atmosphere is still one of tight suspense, but we feel just marginally better about knowing one factual teensy weensy thing about the girl. The fact that you introduce the girl and the man at the same time at the start of the story makes us wonder which the story is actually about. But later, as we see a few more things from the girl's perspective, we get a vague idea that this is about the girl. One such thing was:

She leaned her forehead against his chest as she panted.

“Why don’t we go upstairs?” she heard him say quietly. She raised her head, not to look at him but at the people surrounding them.

This is actually one of the first places where we see things more from Adele's perspective than from the man's. I would suggest making it more obvious from the outset who the story is about, instead of bouncing dialogue back and forth between them.

So, that was just a brief note on characterisation. Now, for step-by-step impressions:

Well-dressed figures swirled in the ballroom, for the moment careless to the events occurring in the world outside. Merry music resonated from musicians situated throughout the room, and it combined with the sounds of laughter and pleasantries to overfill the room and spill over onto the surrounding grounds and hallways.

A handsome pair danced together at the farthest end of twirling couples. The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty; the man possessed good looks as well, but his attraction laid not as much in his face as in the power and strength of his stature. In normal circumstances their dance would have gathered looks of admiration and whispers of gossip, but this night it went largely unnoticed. The atmosphere was one of () and marred the want of gossip.

The bolded parts are really what we, as readers focus on. Generally, people slur-read. Which means that they focus on details that fit in nicely with their first impression, and ignore those that do not (but even these details contribute to their overall impression).

First up - the details that fit our first impression: 'well dressed figures...ballroom...careless...merry music...a handsome pair...man...girl...' Look at these words together. What impression do they first give the reader? Answer: romance. The story overall begins with a romantic scene.

Which lines or phrases do we dismiss? 'events occurring in the world outside...in normal circumstances...the atmosphere was one of...' (By the way - you don't need this line at all - the atmosphere is clearly one of unease, and you do not need to point it out to us). However, we still file these away subconsciously, and they surface during the dialogue between the 'handsome pair' when they speak of the war etc. However, although we are slightly at uneasy here, we are not overly uneasy. Think about it: there is a war going on outside, but so what? The reader only cares about this inside story; the fact that they are dancing, making small-talk - it all looks like flirting to us. But the reason as to why we ARE uneasy all the same, is because of the character-distancing. We don't really know them; we odon't really know that this is what is truly going on. So that is what gives the story an 'edge'.

“And how have you come to know the Merciers so well?” the man asked when the dance required the girl, still linked by his hand, to spin out from him.

“My cousin just married the eldest miss Mercier,” said the girl.

“Pierre Roux is your cousin?” The man raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, Madame Roux was my father’s sister.”

The man nodded. “He just entered the war, your cousin, did he not?”

“Yes, yes, the fourth unit. His father and his bride are very proud,” the girl said.

The man sensed displeasure in her voice. “But you’re not?”

The girl looked unhappy but forced a smile. “I just don’t agree much with this war, you see. It seems silly and pointless,” she said.

“Was it silly to the Belgiums?”

The girl conceded the point, shrugging her shoulders as she danced. “I don’t know. But I still don’t like it. I fear it will just be a mess of endless and unnecessary violence.”

He laughed and they continued to dance. “You women, you don’t understand the ways of men or power. I understand your concern, but that’s not what will happen.” He paused as the spun. “We will be home before winter, Germans put back soundly in their place, with victory on our shoulders,” he said, and smiled at her. “Do not worry.”
She smiled back at him. “I hope so.”

“Your father is in the war as well, right?”

“Oh, yes. In the war, the government, I’m sure he’s in everything.” She dismissed the matter. “Let’s talk of something else, no more of this war.”

“Of course, mademoiselle. Anything you wish,” the man replied graciously. “So tell me, then, how you learned to dance so charmingly?”

The steps of the dance prevented her from replying right away. She spun into him, her hand on his arm and her chest almost touching his, much closer than necessary. She laughed and spun back out with the beat. “I spent some time in Paris and Versailles growing up.”

“Haven’t we all,” he said gravely, and she laughed again at his tone.

Yes, they are talking of war, but the way in which they do so forces us to believe they are flirting, more than anything else. Oh, and a quick note on dialogue here: the pauses, the actions in between are perfect. The diction sounds slightly off to me - and this is because it is set in another time and place, so seems unrealistic - I don't think the characters would have actually talked like that. Although, I have read many novels that are written about historical events using more modern language, so this may not necessarily be a bad thing. Just something to keep in mind when going back over it .

He understood her action and caught on to her concern immediately. One could never be too careful. There was her reputation to consider and, more crucially, he did not want to risk displeasure with her father. “How about we separate now, and meet in the hall at the end of the next song.”

This passage is where the unease really takes off. There is an element of secrecy introduced here; the characters know something we do not - in fact, they know something even the other characters do not know! It heightens the drama and the mystery, but at least you let us in on a nugget of detail that we can hold on to. Even when I read this, I had no idea where the story was going, or what it might lead to - in fact, I was not even sure if these were the main characters! I was not confident that the next scene we'd have would include them; but pleased when it did.

This next bit was not as coherently tied in with the rest:

She laughed from energy and excitement, bringing forth a contagious response from the man.

“I’m staying in a room on the second floor,” he said and motioned in the direction. She grabbed his hand and began to half-run down the hallway. They both had had a few drinks over the course of the evening, the effect of which was beginning to show. The pair continued to laugh at nothing as they jauntily made their way through two more corridors and up the staircase.

The view of the girl, Adele, that we have at the end is: devious, cunning, a mastermind of a deceiver, a liar, pretty, sophisticated, artistocratic, heartless. The fact that you do little to describe her personality further enhances this view. However, the previous few lines do not tie in with this - she seems drunk, breathless, energetic, jaunty, as you call her - and not, by any means, the cool calculated person we expect her to seem at the end.

I know that you are showing us the events as an outsider might see them. But for this to happen, it is imperative that you do not give us false details about her. She is, I believe, not jaunty and woosy at all - she knows what she is doing. So, do not give us that false impression. You CAN include that she 'grabbed his hand and began to half-run down the hallway' but including the bit about 'too many drinks' is entirely unecessary, since it leads us to a conclusion we quickly dismiss as false, when we see her reaction to the attack.

There was a clang of the sound of metal hitting the ground. The girl turned around to see a lead pipe rolling on the floor and a dark haired stranger strangling her companion with a cloth. The man laid unconscious on the ground as the stranger drained the life from his body from behind.

This only serves to heighten the drama - you never, never put us at ease. Others have already mentioned you need to neaten this up a bit more - think more clearly about what is actually happening, and replay it out to us like a film-scene, just like in the rest of the story. Currently, it seems confused and hazy (unlike that obvious clarity in the first part) - and this actually annoys us; we do not know what's going on already -why make it even harder for us? I'd like to be able to imagine this preceisly as it occurs - and at the present, I cannot.

He hoped she had escaped and was ready to wordlessly plea with her to run if she had not. But the girl, to his surprise, merely stood observing the action from a few feet away with careless impassivity. The touches of fear on his features were replaced with indignation as he processed her expression and demeanor. She stared back at him coldly as any energy fled him and his movements became stiller. Their eyes remained locked, hers hardened and his unforgiving, until his last breath left him and his body slumped lifeless on the ground.

That bolded bit is really unneeded. I do not particularly care for what the man thinks - he's obviously about to topple right out of the story. Plus, he's not the central character, and it seems weird to introduce his thoughts right here. The rest is fine, and shocks us. It is here, in the italicised bits, that we realise the true extent of the girl's heartlessness. It is here that one thing is finally confirmed for us - her character.

But this does nothing to sooth us. She could do anything next, out of the blue, and we would be equally as shocked. I wouldn't say we 'lean in to see what she does next' because we identify with the antihero here (yes, sometimes in stories, we almost egg on the bad guy - here, I do not think this occurs). Instead, we're curious because we cannot help it.

“You have a plan for the body?” she asked him.

The dark haired man studied her carefully before allowing signs of amusement and arrogance to cross his face. “Of course,” he said.

She stood up. “Good. I don’t need to know.”

Bingo. Here we have one more thing concreted for us. She was indeed part of the plan.

And the end is not too surprising - the fact that there is someone else involved, overseeing the plan. Is he her father? I cannot tell - he might be, and then again, he might not be. I think this should be clearer (maybe similar colour/shape of eyes?).

So...last few comments: this is indeed the beginning of a brilliant novel, and I cannot wait to see the rest. However, this aura of mystery cannot be maintained in the long-run in a novel - it seems downright bizarre. Now that you have given us more details about the girl, we expect to hear her thoughts about everything a lot more; we expect to see her agenda (what's in it for her), and what she does next. This story/Ch1 finished on a cliff-hanger, and had a bizarre twist in the middle of it - good for the beginning, but we need some more character-identification here. We may not agree with what she does, but villains are intriguing nevertheless, and you can make her interesting enough (and less shallow) to make us want to 'egg her on'.

Any questions, discussions, arguments, feel free to PM me with them. I have enjoyed this story immensely, and you have a great hand for storytelling in general. I hope I have addressed your concerns - and if I have not, it would be helpful for me to know why exactly you did not like this as much. Atmosphere, imagery, details, audience-manipulation have been very clevery and carefully created - so well done.

Hey, hey! Okay let's take a look at what you have here...

Well-dressed figures swirled in the ballroom, for the moment careless to the events occurring in the world outside. [As a sentence, this isn't bad but as a first sentence it seems a little dull and as though you're trying to say too much in one go. You need to grab attention with the first sentence, hint at something more but don't give much away. Aim to make one point. For example, "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." This is from 1984 and it's amazing! It tells everything and nothing all at once and sets the tone for the rest of the novel. If nothing else, at least clean this up. I'd suggest making it less passive, perhaps something like: 'They swirled in the ballroom, their dress, reminiscent of better times, much more extravagant than they could currently afford. For the moment, they couldn't care less about the [insert events here, I presume it's the war? In which case maybe, 'bombs dropping in the streets, the phantom soldiers waging war.'] Merry music resonated from musicians situated throughout the room, and it combined with the sounds of laughter and pleasantries to overfill the room [Maybe hall? Repeating room does nothing for the story while hall is more descriptive.] and spill over onto into the surrounding grounds and hallways.

A handsome pair danced together at the farthest end of twirling couples. The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty; the man possessed good looks as well, but his attraction laid lay not as much in his face as in the power and strength of his stature. In normal circumstances their dance would have gathered looks of admiration and whispers of gossip, but this night it went largely unnoticed. The atmosphere was one of () [An edit gone array? Perhaps what you're looking for is a word, let's see, will liberation do? Or sudden release? Or, hmmm. I have the feeling you need soemthing along the lines of freedom from the war, perhaps emancipation?] and marred the want of gossip.

He laughed and they continued to dance. “You women, you don’t understand the ways of men or power. I understand your concern, but that’s not what will happen.” He paused as the she spun. “We will be home before winter, the Germans put back soundly in their place, with victory on our shoulders,” he said, and smiled at her. “Do not worry.”

“Your father is in the war as well, right?”

Right is too colloquial and you was doing so well until now, tut tut. Perhaps 'correct' or 'am I correct'][/color]

They continued to speak for a few minutes more, and the events of the festive night went on as usual.

You should choose your verbs more carefully in some places. Went on as usual is too colloquial and even were it not, it doesn't say enough. Perhaps wore on to suggest an increasing tiredness or passed on which reflects the passing away of the dead man but also emphasises how apart from the evening they are, how different their intentions. Consider a few of the other possibilities before settling on any one, you might find one even more fitting.

In general I liked this but I found your characterisation of the stranger a little lacking or rather, I didn't feel their emotions spilling into the piece. I know it's the style of the genre to be quite distant from them but I'd like to know why the stranger strangles the man when he has a lead pipe. Made me laugh by the way, so very cluedo. The stranger with the lead piping in the ballroom Okay so was it because he likes to feel the life go out of people or because our mr. dead guy managed to kick it out of the way. That would hurt though. Ouch! Probably wouldn't move it very much either.

Other than that, the only thing I felt it was maybe lacking was description. Not just blase description of rooms and items but the senses weren't there. I couldn't really feel his skin against her, you didn't say how it felt to be that tight against his flesh or how the sweat beaded on their arms after those three dances. There wasn't any smells in the air, there wasn't description of the tones of their voices. It isn't necessary but quite often just that little bit extra description will draw the reader in that last nine yards.

Good start and I hope this helps a little. Pm me with questions and feel free to let me know when the next part is up,

Heather xx

Hey there! After your intriguing prologue, I'm back for the first chapter.

A few nitpicks:

The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty;

I found "of the pair" to be really awkward.

The atmosphere was one of () and marred the want of gossip.

Hm. I see what you mean about "reckless abandon." What about:
"The atmosphere was light and marred the want of gossip."
"Laughter and abandon tossed around the room; no gossip was needed."
"Laughter and freedom fell with every swish of the dancers' clothes, and destroyed the need for gossip."

The pair continued to laugh at nothing as they jauntily made their way through two more corridors and up the staircase.

I love the phrase "laugh at nothing" but really dislike the use of "jauntily." Jaunty is just kind of a dorky word, if you know what I mean, and unnecessary in this context after you've set up their giggling and stumbling up to his bedroom so beautifully up to this point.

“And did you take care of Lefevre?” he questioned in the same tone.

Adèle smiled. “Of course, father.”

They continued to speak for a few minutes more, and the events of the festive night went on as usual.

Didn't quite stick the landing! 9.8.

Something about swirling dancers and people being happy and doing their thing would be perfect here. The last sentence is so boring! You've already proven you can do better.

You've really got an intriguing start here; I'm pumped to see what you come up with next. Good work!

Hello! I’m Zan, I don’t think we’ve met? Anyway, I thought I’d stop by and take a look at this story here. : ) Looks like you’ve already got a ton of good, detailed reviews on this piece, but I’m going to try my best to be helpful to you nevertheless. XD

First of all, I know a ton of people have said this already, but I really like the aura of suspense and mystery in this chapter. The atmosphere is just perfect, and I think it’s just right to introduce such a dark, tense story. Even the freedom and emancipation of the party at the beginning gives me a really dark, sort of chilling feeling—it doesn’t feel happy and free, it feels almost out of control, like the thin veil of normalcy is about to fall apart. I really like that aspect of the story. I agree with Navita that it seems very cinematic, but I don’t think this is a bad thing at all—this looks like more of a set-up chapter to me, pulling the reader into the story, so I don’t think we really need to catch such an impression of Adele’s feelings just yet. For this chapter, at least, it’s okay that we can just look on.

In any case, I really like the interaction between Adele and the other characters—it shows really well how cruel and manipulative she can be, and I like how the relationship between her and Nicolas, with his “mocking” goodbye to her, seems to be somewhat strained—it adds a bit of interest to her. I’m really curious to know more about her, Nicolas, her father, and their situation… I can’t even imagine where the story is going from here, but I’m really curious to find out. If I had pulled this off a shelf at the bookstore, I would be genuinely interested in picking it up for reading.
A couple of quick nitpicks, because all the deep important critiques have already been said XD.

Well-dressed figures swirled in the ballroom, for the moment careless to the events occurring in the world outside.

This is just me, but I’d go with “careless about,” it’s a bit smoother.

The atmosphere was one of emancipation and marred the want of gossip.

I know you’ve been struggling with this sentence a lot, so sorry to nitpick on it again, but I keep stumbling over “marred the want of gossip.” I dunno. Once again, it might be just me, but it sounds awkward. I guess I’ve just never seen “marred” used that way.

“Was it silly to the Belgiums?”

I’m guessing you meant “Belgians”…?

Also, reading this conversation, I can’t help but wonder if people would actually talk about this at a formal event like a ball. Granted, you’ve probably done more research into this era than I have, so feel free to tell me if I’m full of crap, XD, but I have a feeling war and politics were probably taboo conversation topics in polite society (This seems to be early 20th century-ish to me). Granted, Adele seems to be acting like sort of a rebel here, but it would still probably be strange to have a woman chatting about the follies of war with her gentleman friend at a formal party.

He returned her gaze with the hint of a smile before dropping in a heap to the ground.

The girl turned around to see a dark haired stranger strangling her companion with a cloth.

I’m not sure that someone would “drop in a heap” exactly if they were being strangled. I can see it if he were being like, knifed or something, but this way it doesn’t really make visual sense.

The stranger strangled him a few moments more for good measure.

I’m not sure I like the phrasing of this… it just sounds sort of silly, actually. XD I suggest picking a different verb than “strangled,” maybe? I’m not sure.

All right! Maybe I couldn’t be as helpful as others, but I can tell you now that this is a really incredible beginning for a story, and I look forward to reading more. I’ll gladly go on to chapter two! This piece has a lot of suspense and interest, and I can’t wait to continue reading it.

Well-dressed figures swirled in the ballroom, for the moment careless to the events occurring in the world outside. Merry music resonated from musicians situated throughout the hall, and it combined with the sounds of laughter and pleasantries to overfill the room and spill over onto the surrounding grounds and hallways.

I like this opening, but I feel like a few more details might be in order. What does it smell like, for example?

A handsome pair danced together at the farthest end of twirling couples. The girl of the pair had a dark and exquisite beauty; the man possessed good looks as well, but his attraction laid not as much in his

I’m with others in that “the girl of the pair” stands out. Also, I think that “laid” should the “lay.” And, to me, “at the farther end” implies a row, which isn’t what you meant. Maybe the “edge”?

atmosphere was one of emancipation and marred the want of gossip.

I like this. ^__^

“My cousin just married the eldest Miss Mercier,” said the girl.

“Was it silly to the Belgiums?”

Belgians? Maybe this is just his way of talking, though.

He returned her gaze with the hint of a smile before dropping in a heap to the ground.

I almost missed this because it was so abrupt.

Her companion laid unconscious on the ground as the stranger drained the life out of his body from behind.

Well, first of all, “laid” should be “lay” (I think), but also we know he isn’t unconscious because he opens his eyes in the next sentence.

As the man hit the ground, his eyes searched for the girl. The girl, to his surprise, merely stood observing the action from a few feet away with careless impassivity. The touches of fear on his features were replaced with indignation as he processed her expression and demeanor. She stared back at him coldly as any energy fled him and his movements became stiller. Their eyes remained locked, hers hardened and his unforgiving, until his last breath left him and his body slumped lifeless on the ground.

The repetition of “the girl” stood out to me, but what I really wanted to say was that I loved this bit. Unlike those before me, I actually like that she didn’t seem at all devious before hand—if she had, it would’ve ruined the suspense.

They continued to speak for a few minutes more, and the events of the festive night wore on as usual.

Weak ending, compared to the rest of this piece.
Overall, I don’t have much to say that hasn’t been said already. It could use some more emotion (like others have said) but I don't think that it's really necessary. This is one of the most engaging, thrilling pieces I’ve read on here in a while. And I can’t wait to read the next one!
Excellent job, though once again, I feel like I’m not being of much assistance.

See you around!

Lupis