Young Writers Society

(Ok, part II)

“Is she gone?” whispered my friend, peering around the pillar, his eyes shinning slightly in the dark.
“I think so...come on, let’s go” I reply, tugging on his sleeve. We crept back down the passage, looking behind us now and then, to make sure the spy wasn’t following us. My foot squelched in the sandal, the stickiness from the grapes making a rather unpleasant feeling. I limped slightly, my ankle twinging now and then.

I leaned on my friend (no name at the moment), and sighed softly, turning around a corner, and expecting to see another long dark passage in front of us. Then, I hurriedly straightened up, rather startled, as a shadowy white horse appeared in front of us, blocking the way forwards. I stretched out my hand and touched it’s warm, soft nose. It was a Lipizzaner, and it seemed...not quite there, although it certainly felt real enough. Its luminous coat glowed in the dark, and its big eyes were like pools of ink.
“Maybe Spanish people used to be here...” I whispered, shivering and pulling my coat closer around me. My voice must have startled the ‘horse’, and it disappeared, much to my disappointment, as I was hoping it might lead us to a way out. Sure enough, another long, and equally dark passage stretched on, although - I could be imagining things - it seemed like there was a tiny spark of light way, way in the distance.

It was short but I enjoyed reading it. I also read part one as well and thought you did well on that too. Sorry I don't have a suggestion on what you should call it, but I'll read more and try to help you.

Yeah, I thought it was okay as well, but nothing stood out for me other than the fact that you don't know the friend's name. It's okay if we don't know this early in the story, but you should know what it if. If not, pretend you do and don't tell us.

I don't like the name "Lipizzaner." Otherwise, it seems interesting enough.

Lipizzaner is a breed of horse....what is wrong with it???!!! lol

Well... it just eludes the reader, unless they want to look up the breed. Instead of saying the breeds name, I would stick with just describing what the horse looked like, which is what you did later.

ok, I get you now

ok, I'll do the same deal as last part, ok? my comments in green (and comments, only, unless there's some annoying gramatical thing I catch..). Anyhoo, hope this helps!


“Is she gone?” whispered my friend, peering around the pillar, his eyes shinning slightly in the dark. too many commas! maybe take the first part and say "whispered my friend as he peered around the corner, eyes shinning in the dark" it just sounds less wordy, if that makes sense.
“I think so...come on, let’s go” I reply, tugging on his sleeve. We crept back down the passage, looking behind us now and then, to make sure the spy wasn’t following us. My foot squelched in the sandal, the stickiness from the grapes making a rather unpleasant feeling. [color-=green]ok, I think this sounds a bit odd, this last sentence. second half especially, so perhaps rearranging the sentence? can't come up with a good example at the moment, if I do, I'll be back[/color] I limped slightly, my ankle twinging now and then.

I leaned on my friend (no name at the moment) this is for the reader's/critiquer's reference right now, correct? otherwise, I'd take that out, and just put an asterick next to it for reference until you come up with a name, or decide not to name him, like Rei said, and sighed softly, turning around a corner, and expecting to see another long dark passage in front of us. Then, I hurriedly straightened up, rather startled, as a shadowy white horse appeared in front of us, blocking the way forwards. I stretched out my hand and touched it’s warm, soft nose. It was a Lipizzaner, I agree with Snoink on this one. The name sounds out of place, and is distracting unless you know what a Lipizzaner is, and I don't.. and it seemed...not quite there, although it certainly felt real enough. Its luminous coat glowed in the dark, and its big eyes were like pools of ink. ack! adjectives attack! lol, mabe "its eyes were large pools of ink" or find another way to describe "big" such as refrences between hand sizes, or fingers, something like that. also..I dont' want to nit-pick too much, but action that starts with "then" is rather slow (up in the paragraph) so maybe taking that out? it flows a bit better that way, too.

“Maybe Spanish where'd the spanish refrence come from? is that where the horse breed is from? I don't think that's common knowladge, if so, thus this is a bti confusing. If it's not where the breed is from, where did the reference come from?people used to be here...” I whispered, shivering and pulling my coat closer around me. My voice must have startled the ‘horse’, why the single quotes? if you're skeptical as to it's identity.. maybe "horse like"? I don't know.. the quotes just kinda threw me off and it disappeared, much to my disappointment, as I was hoping it might lead us to a way out. Sure enough, another long, and equally dark passage stretched on, although - I could be imagining things - it seemed like there was a tiny spark of light way, way in the distance.