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Young Writers Society


Bandit: Prologue



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Mon Sep 12, 2005 12:24 am
Firestarter says...



He darted to the edge of the tree line and watched the black carriage trundle along the lane. Surveying it quickly, he saw just the driver and no guards. However, experience taught him if something was too good to be true, it usually was. He kissed his hand and then touched it to his pistols for good luck, and crouched to the ground. Scanning around him, he decided to drop to the floor amongst the shrubbery. His brown leather garments and clothes would hide him unless a man stood straight above him.

It was obvious that with no guards walking alongside the carriage there would be a few scouting ahead and a couple scouring the nearby countryside for potential risks. This was a dangerous area and doubtless the passengers had made suitable precautions. He sighed. In the old days it was so much easier to make your fortune robbing the ill-prepared and surprised gentleman, moving around carelessly with large amounts of wealth just asking to be raided. But now they had wised up and nobody left home without at least armed guards. Most had even trained themselves to fend off highwaymen single-handedly.

He drew back his breathing to a minimum. His right hand strayed back and lightly gripped the handle of his knife, while his left hand stayed in front ready to propel him upwards. In his mind there was no doubt a man would search this forested area, full of dense vegetation that sometimes reached knee-height. It was a prime suspect for an ambush. He knew he had an advantage though – any men would certainly be looking for a group of robbers. He had always worked alone. The Lone Marauder they call him. 50,000 silver pieces, dead or alive.

He pushed any thoughts of capture out of his mind and focused his keen ears, eyes and nose on any intruders to his adopted territory. Just the slight crackle of a fallen leaf and he would be on top of them before they had moved another muscle. Knife out, slash across throat, hard but quick, hold body and let it hit floor slowly, move on. He’d done it a hundred times before and he’d do it a hundred times more. No emotion. No regret.

And then it came – a hardly audible sound of boot hitting the ground, but he felt the tremble against his pressed-down ear. Just over ten yards to his left. Maybe a little more. Too little time to think. Closing in. He jumps up; knife unsheathed, and sprints behind his man, slicing his throat in one swift motion. Blood is spilt. Five seconds later the man is dead on the floor, still clutching his musket, eyes wide in surprise or fear.

Fresh from another murder, he wipes blood from his blade using his sleeve. He doesn’t even take another glance at the young man that he has just killed. Back to the edge of the tree line. The carriage has moved on some distance and if he waits too much longer it will be lost in the vast empty meadows that filled the next few miles. No place for an ambush. No robbery.

He decided to risk it. His eyesight was good and he could see no scouts ahead, and any other roaming guards would be too far away to save their employers and would die if they tried. He sighed again. A year ago he wouldn’t have attempted something so risky. But times were hard and you took what you got. And this was as if gold was dangling in front on his face, tempting him to grab it.

Speed was key. If he could run to the front of the carriage and overpower the driver he doubted it’s passengers would be too much trouble. If they were, his brace of pistols would make them change their mind. He would prefer not to use them, for the discharge would echo far in this empty place, but if the situation demanded, he would oblige.

He kept low and ran as fast as he could in that position, using odd outcrops of rocks and small bumps in the ground for cover. Pausing just behind the carriage, whose wheels bounced and rolled along the worn path, he flexed his hands and took a deep breath. This one could make him rich again. He drew his pistols, and looked at them.

“Do me proud, my babies,” he whispered, and walked casually forward, overtaking the slow pace of the carriage and appearing beside the driver, who lazily held the horse’s reins. “Nice morning, is it not?”

The driver appeared startled and looked incredulously at the man walking next to him who was holding two flintlock pistols and engaging him at the same time in small talk. “Who the bloody hell are you?” he spluttered out.

The highwayman smiled a little. “I’m the Lone Marauder,” he replied, and cocked both his guns and aimed them at the driver’s head.
Last edited by Firestarter on Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2005 1:28 am
Ego says...



Totally digging this story so far, Jacko.

My only peeve on this one is the action--it switches from stuff like "the blood was wiped from the blade," to "he drew his pistols." Maybe I'm being over critical, but I don't care for the inconsistency of the action. To be consistent, you'd need to say "he wiped the blood from his blade."

...Ah, screw it. Nice start buddy. You gonna do any more?
Got YWS? I do.

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Mon Sep 12, 2005 2:40 am
Boni_Bee says...



oooo, dramatic! :? :) It only had my full attention in some parts, but I like the cold, malicious way he does everything. Next bit please! Lol :)
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:11 am
concertchick16 says...



'And this was as if gold was dangling in front on his face. "
i thought sentances were never too start with "And"
maybe i'm wrong
but i really liked it, he sounds cool...lol
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2005 10:36 am
Firestarter says...



Thanks. I start plenty of sentences with "And" and "Because". I don't care much for those rules. I always use a lot of fragments. *shrug*

And yeh Hunter, I'm definitely gonna be working on this.
Last edited by Firestarter on Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2005 12:01 pm
Sam says...



Ahh, sorry! I didn't see this! Anyway, I'm going to critique after school...so yeah. See you then.
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Mon Sep 12, 2005 9:25 pm
Sam says...



Very nice.

'And then it came – the hardly audible sound of boots against the ground, but he felt the tremble against his pressed-down ear. Just over ten yards to his left. Maybe a little more. Too little time to think. Closing in. Jumping up, knife unsheathed, darting behind his man, he cuts.'

This section was awkward, because you never tell of any movement. We still think he's ten yards away from the other dude. (Unless he's got way long arms XD.) And, you might want to use a different word from 'cuts'- perhaps 'slices'. I thought he was slitting his wrists for a moment there...part of the confusion was with the no-action thing. I still would change it to slices though. :wink:

I love the highwayman thing. It rocks so hard...
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Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:12 pm
Firestarter says...



Thanks Sam. I've edited that and a few other bits if you would mind taking another look.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:30 pm
Sam says...



There we go! Much better. :D
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Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:13 pm
Meshugenah says...



(yes, I finally have time to sit down and do this, and am not skiving off a bunch of hw in the process)

ok. the first time I read this, I almost screamed COMMA'S! now, I don't have to (aka, I thank you for that). Now. Nit-picks, and yes, I'm in critique mode, as Sam likes to say.

It was obvious that with no guards walking alongside the carriage there would be a few scouting ahead and a couple scouring the nearby countryside for potential risks. This was a dangerous area and doubtless the passengers had made suitable precaution

sounds contradictory. no guards implies weakness, but then you say that means there must be guards of some sort, and scouting ahead. what if this group was especially stupid, or didn't know the area? then would they know to bring guards? unless you character likes toerr on the side of caution, and assume the worst possibility, but it's still a bit confusing. or, you could state the later bits of the paragraph first, and then the first part, and avoid any confusion, and nit-picks like me.

He had always worked alone. The Lone Marauder they call him. 50,000 silver pieces, dead or alive.

tense. call should be called, I believe. well, it could work either way.. but I'd stick with called.

And then it came – a hardly audible sound of boot hitting the ground, but he felt the tremble against his pressed-down ear.

when did he press his ear to the ground? and then, right after this, you change from past to present tense, "jumps" instead of jumped. actually, this entire paragraph likes to just around from past to present and then back.. same with the next.. intentional?

ok, tense keeps jumping around.. not sure if you meant to do that or not.. it annoys me a little, but the effect is kinda cool, but I'd stick with one tense for now (unless it's thoughts, speech, yadda yadda, you know that, though).

Fresh from another murder, he wipes blood from his blade using his sleeve. He doesn’t even take another glance at the young man that he has just killed. Back to the edge of the tree line. The carriage has moved on some distance and if he waits too much longer it will be lost in the vast empty meadows that filled the next few miles. No place for an ambush. No robbery.

first sentence is awkward. rest is just a bit.. like thoughts. different than other parts. good effect, but a little confusing if read fast.

hehe, nice ending.

name.. interesting. quite interesting. now. more?

oh yes..what hunter said.. I agree. that and tense! please, tense!

ok, bek done and out.
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